Will she ever want to try again?

I am a lesbian who was in a committed relationship for almost 4 years. A major problem was that even though I had been out for almost 7 years I was still legally married. We lived together for 3 years. My "husband", not emotionally, but legally, and I chose to live together as friends to raise our children. My ex had a son who has many emotional problems.

My ex and I got along well and were very much in love, but after 3 years of her childs disrespect, anger, violence, etc I could not take anymore. I told her that i wanted us to be together, but that i did not think we could live together because of the abuse her son directed at all of us, including his mother. I tried so hard to make things better, getting him help through a therapist, working with his dad and step mom, giving him a normal homelife. Nothing worked, as he grew older the disrespect and violence escalated.

My ex decided to move out of our room. I didn't want her to, but i didn't stop her either. I was so angry and hurt I acted like I didn't care. We lived together for about 6 months, trying to make the best of things until we could see our house. Suddenly she texts me and tells me she is moving out, after a weekend out of state to visit a new "friend".

during the time we lived together as roommates, she decided that her son would live with his father full time and visit her on the weekends. This would have made a huge difference in our life prior to the breakup, but I never encouraged it because I did not want her to resent me for such a decision.

For about 3 months while we continued living together I really did some soul searching and realized I deeply loved this woman. I wanted things to work, but I needed to make some sacrifices to show her that I was committed to her. I worked through guilt, fear and several other emotions and realized it was time I got divorced. I was living my life to make everyone else happy, but not my partner or myself.

after my ex moved out I tried to move on. I dated a woman for about four months and though she had many great qualities, she had many bad ones as well. She was beautiful, intelligent, sexy, but one thing was glaringly obvious....she was not my ex. To others my ex is not much to look at....she is a big woman, not especially attractive, but to me she is the most beautiful woman in the world. There is just something about her that makes my heart race.

Other than disagreements over the childs issues, we were the best of friends. We laughed, talked, acted silly, but as time passed it became more and more difficult to connect. We were always being interupted. Her child was very disruptive, always doing what he could to get in between us.

My ex told me I was her forever, her once in a lifetime, her wife. She is not one to make those statement easily. She was so broken up about the relationship, but in just a couple of months she moved on. Yet, when I would go out with friends or on a date she would get jealous. I begged for another chance, she said no, that she would never be with me again. In one breath she would say that our paths were not meant to cross and in the next say they might cross again. One minute she was cold and distant and in the next she was hugging me and crying.

The breakup has gotten so bad that i have had to sue her for money that she owes. I hated doing it, but she left me with no other choice. We have not spoken to each other in six months.

I miss her so much, though she is not perfect I accept her faults. I never wanted to control her or change her, only be a support to her. We were the best of friends, lovers, partners and I hoped one day wives.

Can people ever recover from such a terrible situation? Can we learn from it and be stronger together? Can we have the chance we never had before because of timing/circumstances? She hurt me so much, broke my trust and yet I can forgive. Can she ever get past this and forive my errors as well?

I know people say it all the time, but i do believe we are meant to be together. I think we both needed time. We both needed to make sacrifices. I have never had a relationship that i felt was destined, quite honestly never believed in it. Is it possible to forgive one another and move forwards?

Did your ex do anything to stop her son from making you miserable during those three years? What did she say when you talked to her about him?

Hi there,

At first she tried, but she was very inconsistant. She would say that we couldn't discipline him because he would get angry and it would make things worse. She would also say that his dad disciplined him too much. Her son has ODD and possibly conduct disorder.

In the beginning she would beat herself up for being jealous because I had "perfect" kids and married a good father, that she made poor choices.

I am a pretty strict parent, i believe in manners and respect. My children are great kids, but by no means perfect. I rarely raise my voice, but I do get a mom tone. I would talk to my ex about being more in control of herself. She would either plead with him or scream at him. He was always in control, the rules of the house did not apply to him.

I bent over backwards to make things fair, even to the detriment of my own kids sometimes. I was always on edge when her son was in the house. I even woke up in the middle of the night with him standing next to me in bed....freaked me out. I didn't mention that i became ill during this time. I lost a career that I was financially and personally rewarded for. I took on the responsibility of caring for this child everyday: homework (which was always a fight), laundry, cooking, taxi driving etc. my ex took a promotion that required her to travel for days at a time and it was my responsibility to take care of him; which I gladly accepted. She no longer had to pay for daycare, neither did her ex husband.

At therapy, she hailed me as the greatest parent, partner and a blessing to her sons and her life. Now because I expressed concerns over physical violence toward everyone in the home I am now labeled as emotionally and psychologically abusive. I know that these claims are a way for her to save face because she cannot take responsibility for her actions (guilt over divorce) but I wonder if she will ever face reality.

Why now does she dump her son with the ex husband? She made many comments that she gave him 11 years of her life and now it was her turn. Why only when it doesn't make a difference to our relationship?

I guess what I am wondering is if I am crazy? I have never been one to believe people are destined to be together. Is it possible after everything to get that second chance?

I don't feel like I am hanging on out of fear, I just feel comfortable with myself and don't HAVE to be with someone to be happy.

Sounds like her son resented that she was lesbian, if you ask me..

I don't think it was that. I think her son resented anyone who took her attention away. Even though his father remarried and he loved his step mom, he didn't understand why his mom and dad could not be together.

Could be just expressing his anger towards everyone around him, or if they're quick unexpected bursts, bipolar disorder or if it's when you try to show him any affection, Autism.

Well as I said he was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and they also believed he had Conduct Disorder. As difficult of a child as he was, I know that part of it was nature and part of it was nurture.

I tried so hard, tried to keep things very structured, without being overbearing. With three children in the house, two of which who were very well behaved, it was hard to keep things fair. If anything my kids suffered and had priveledges taken away to keep the peace. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it was a very difficult situation.

What I struggle to understand is why after more than 3 years of all of us suffering, the child in question included, why when she leaves me she also gives the child to his father to raise full time.

Of course the original topic, was will she ever, after all the hardship give us a second chane? will she ultimately realize that we both were at fault and it wasn't all me?

You may have a point with "saving face." Maybe the three years of conflict with her son and you made her even more jealous about your marriage and family. For her son to disapprove of you, it may mean that she decided to follow that decision because he calls the shots. If you want to date her again, her son would have to not influence your relationship this directly.

The thing is i would say that her son was 90% of our issues. She said she didn't see it that way. I know in my heart that she loved me, but my friends tell me that she must not have because if she did she would have given us another chance. They say that there is no way that someone would walk away from someone they truly loved when that person changed and did everything they ever hoped for.

She says that too much had happened and she could never be with someone who treated her the way I did. I was hard sometimes, but i tried to get her to stand up for herself, with her son, her ex husband, her friends, her family and even me. I hated seeing her be a doormat for everyone. I did tell her that I felt her son was a sociopath and that we needed to seek more help. I know that wasn't easy to hear, but I really was trying to get him help before it was too late.

I think now she accuses me of emotional abuse so that she does not have to acknowledge her or her sons part in all of this. It is easier to make me the scape goat.

Sorry to be so worried. It is just complicated.

How were you actually "hard"?

I was hard in that I would tell her we needed to set boundaries with her son. I would tell her if we didn't get a handle on things now it will only get worse. I said he was a sociopath, manipulative. When things got really bad, i would not be very open or affectionate. I was very stoic. I didn't always listen, but she didn't always talk. There were times instead of being supportive I wanted to fix things.

I have learned a lot over the past year, really worked on myself, learned to open up and be vulnerable. Realized I couldn't take care of everyone, stopped feeling guilty about be gay and knew it was time to get divorced and make my life with her. I learned that no matter her sons issues were, I needed to be a support to her and not a parent to him. I begged her to work as a team and not allow him to come between us.

I love this woman with everything that I am, worked hard to deal with some of my issues. I just don't know if the person she said she had a spark with was a way to get back at me or if she really has moved on in her life. She won't talk to me. I hadn't contacted her in months, but sent an email a couple of weeks ago to say if she would like to talk I would be happy to. No response.

Yesterday I mailed a 5 page letter to clear up some misconceptions I was made aware of. When I saw her in court she was pleasant to my father, my "husband", but when i tried to speak about why we were there she became very angry and cursed. It just seems like if she was over all of this, moved on with someone new and happy with her choices she would not be so angry.

I meant to say earlier, sorry for being so wordy...typo.

Seeing as how you just mailed five pages to her so recently, it will be a while from now if she decides to respond to you.

That's the thing. I know this woman better than anyone. She is the type of person who likes to bury her head in the sand, she compartmentalizes things. She kept her family, her friends and me seperate. In four years I was rarely ever around her friends or family.

She tends to follow what others think and say. Since I wasn't around her friends much I am sure it is easy for them to believe I would be emotionally and psychologically abusive. I have a distinct feeling that based on what she told them they filled her head with what she should do. My ex is almost 37 years old. Her friends are the most important thing in the world to her. Constantly IMing, texting, emailing on her PDA. It was never far away. I always encouraged her to do things with her friends, but I had to draw the line with the PDA going off during sex and all hours of the night. We couldn't have a conversation without the cell phone being right there.

The point being that she will not respond to my letter. As much as I want a second chance I know in my heart that she will never give us a second chance because what her friends and family will say. It would be to embarrassing to her. When she is done she buries her feelings and never looks back. I guess I was just hoping her feelings for me were real and she would stop running away from her feelings.

So does anyone think her having angry outbursts at court when I tried to speak means anything? My friends tell me if she was totally over it, moved on with someone new in her life, and happy with her choices she would not still be angry?

Most of my friends think she is angry because she thinks that I moved on? I didn't move on, i tried, but I just couldn't because I realized more than ever that in my heart she is still my wife.

You said that you sent the letter to clarify misconceptions. She probably doesn't think that you have moved on after reading that, but it is still her choice to contact you or not.

I totally get that the ball is in her court. I have given it six months without any contact, I laid things out there, but it doesn't seem like there is anything further I cn do.

Feel free to keep me updated with more news.

Part of me holds out hope something will change, but part of me is realistic enough to know she will likely never speak to me again.

Sad really because I believe when two people have gone through a lot, grown and learned from it, it brings them closer together and more sure of the relationship.I think we just live in a a throw away society and when things get hard people just bail.

I don't mean that anyone should stay with someone who abuses them, but we had a good relationship. Unfortunately other things just got in the way.

If there is an change, i will let you know.

Hi Secondchance, I have a story similar to yours if you would like to talk about it..Let me know.

Does it have a happy ending? LOL. Feel free to share whatever your experience has been.

My story is on here...in the break up forum. There is no happy ending...yet...

Ok so how much better can things get?

My dad calls me today and tells me that he received the papers to show my ex was served his lawsuit. Just so happens she likely received them the same day she received the 5 page letter I sent clarifying her misconceptions about some things and that I still love her....

SHould I start taking a clue from the Universe that the fates are against me?

She is the one putting everybody in that position. When was she supposed to get the letter...today?

No, she probably got the letter the same day she was served, the next at the very least....

I know she has been unreasonable, but she doesn't see it that way. She thinks I am terrible. She is just angry that I had had it with her son hurting my kids and was fed up. I just thought we would need to live seperate for a while for the sake of the kids. I didn't intend for her and I to end. She told me, later, once she moved out of our bedroom there was no going back.

That seems kind of childish to me. If you really love someone you get over your pride, stubborness, etc. You communicate with each other. I have always been the type of person who says "if this was my last day, how woule I want to leave people?" This sure isn't it. Even now I think it is her pride and what her friends/family think that makes her do this. If she got back together with me, even if we were bilssfully happy, she couldn't handle what everyone else would say.

I say to hell with it. You only have one shot at life. Heck my dad is suing her and would think I was nuts to get back together with her, my friends think I am nuts to still love her. Honestly I don't care what anyone thinks. I want my chance.

Well it sounds right now she is not even being realistic, It is really terrible that she is even treating your dad this way. Hopefully she will come around and at the very least start being sensible about the finances and more civil.

From your mouth to God's ears, Heather.

As much as I want to believe, it is not going to happen. She hates my guts.

I was her longest relationship, the only one she wanted to marry and this is how things end. Who knew?

Someday she will think about this and she will regret it. It's amazing how people think all of their problems will be solved when they just run off with someone else. Honeymoon stages come to an end and when that is over they can think about who has stood by them through thick and thin when they are the ones left picking up the pieces.

I agree 100%. I am going thru the same thing. I haven't talked to my ex since Monday a week ago. She told me then she was moving in with her new boyfriend that has cheated on her with 3 different women in the 4 months they have been going out. I will never understand why sh wants to stay with him but it is her decision. She texted me this past Monday and I did not reply and I will not reply or ever answer her calls. Her life has been a mess ever since she has been with his guy and I offered her a good life but she threw it away like a piece of trash. I guess she will find out on her own.

Unfortunately that is all some people want...the honeymoon.

I am not saying people should stay together for any reason. If you are abused, you should leave. But if you have not tried everything you are just a quitter in my book.

We never went to counseling, we went on our own a couple of times to try and help us cope with her son's issues, but to me that doesn't count. If she was unhappy, thinking it was over she should have come to me and said "it's counseling or I am outta here", but nothing.

I wasn't ending the realtionship, I was trying to find a reasonable solution to stop my kids from being emotionally and physically hurt. I guess I was supposed to put up with it and if I didn't she would bail. Well she did in more ways than one.

I can't say for sure, but I do wonder if one day she will regret it. Will she look back on this period with an honest perspective and realize how much I tried, how much I put up with and how much I loved her and think "i screwed up"?