1.5 years later and I'm still not over her

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2 months ago #31
Agar
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Just do what your doing now and keep your mind active by talking and reading advice . Just get through this night (without the alcohol😀) and face tmrw with a look at starting it as a new you . I promise I will do the same

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2 months ago #32
Johnny Nicks
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Exercise?

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2 months ago #33
Agar
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Try to stop bringing yourself down we are stronger than we think

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2 months ago #34
Agar
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Yes Johnny’s right . Excercise does help

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2 months ago #35
Johnny Nicks
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I think there are some recent experiments saying the exercise is almost as effective as antidepressant medication.

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2 months ago #36
Hkz506
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I drank for 3 years straight. I partied like an Animal till i realized i have become and alcoholic and all I do is think about her when I'm drunk but in a happy way. I quit drinking and the pain is still there but its not as bad as when I drank almost every other day. Drinking will make the time fly by but you'll still be stuck on that person. Do it without drinking. It's way better.

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2 months ago #37
SolarStone
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I agree with all the advice about changing lifestyles and I've done that. At one point I was actually feeling much better.

That's why I'm struggling now as I've gone backwards after 1.5 years maybe it is the time of the year with the holidays but I lost my drive and sunk into depression I felt when the breakup was fresh.

I don't feel like I'm almost there and I don't think calling her to spill my guts is the solution (I wish it was). I have never heard of a situation where a grand gesture or proclamation of love got them back.

Besides, I don't think it could be the same. I would have a hard time trusting her again and feel that she broke us and I would never feel the same way.

I guess the solution is to realize my ship sailed and deal with it. My life, outside of this, isn't so bad and there are a lot of people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. Not to say I'm great but I'm sure a guy who can't walk or see or is homeless would rather be me.

I was a much happier person before this. I wish I had never met her as I didn't know what love was until I did. That feeling that you would kill or be killed, start a war, move a mountain, spend your last dying breath to protect her, is rare. I've never felt it before (and I've been with my share of women) nor do I think I will feel it again.

Sucks.

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2 months ago #38
SomebodyElse
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Just be mindful of your intake, phantomsp. That is something I would say to my sister or niece, so please don't be offended. Not that you or they are alcoholics, but drinking's not a great long-term strategy.

I'm glad you have family to talk to and of course, you are always welcome here. Good night to you.

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2 months ago #39
JerseymikesInCa
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What was wrong with the other women you dated?

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2 months ago #40
Phantomsp
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Thanks somebody else

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2 months ago #41
Johnny Nicks
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You might find these words comforting??

They are a bit deep..

Sonmi 451 (Cloud Atlas Movie)

“To be is to be perceived, and so to know thyself is only possible through the eyes of the other.

The nature of our immortal lives is in the consequences of our words and deeds, that go on and are pushing themselves throughout all time...the consequences of an individual's life rippling through eternity.

Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.

The concept of Eternal Return- Nietzsche

Whoever thou mayest be, beloved stranger, whom I meet here for the first time, avail thyself of this happy hour and of the stillness around us, and above us, and let me tell thee something of the thought which has suddenly risen before me like a star which would fain shed down its rays upon thee and every one, as befits the nature of light. - Fellow man! Your whole life, like a sandglass, will always be reversed and will ever run out again, - a long minute of time will elapse until all those conditions out of which you were evolved return in the wheel of the cosmic process. And then you will find every pain and every pleasure, every friend and every enemy, every hope and every error, every blade of grass and every ray of sunshine once more, and the whole fabric of things which make up your life. This ring in which you are but a grain will glitter afresh forever. And in every one of these cycles of human life there will be one hour where, for the first time one man, and then many, will perceive the mighty thought of the eternal recurrence of all things:- and for mankind this is always the hour of Noon.”

The works of Heinrich Heine, who once wrote:

[T]ime is infinite, but the things in time, the concrete bodies, are finite. They may indeed disperse into the smallest particles; but these particles, the atoms, have their determinate numbers, and the numbers of the configurations which, all of themselves, are formed out of them is also determinate. Now, however long a time may pass, according to the eternal laws governing the combinations of this eternal play of repetition, all configurations which have previously existed on this earth must yet meet, attract, repulse, kiss, and corrupt each other again...[14]

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2 months ago #42
Phantomsp
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I found those slightly calming

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2 months ago #43
SolarStone
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@jerseymike

All my dating has been online. The problem with the women is they are a combination of immature, selfish, entitled, and irresponsible.

Perhaps their myriad of choice online is the issue, but I've yet to find one who I wanted to keep as more than a sex partner for a few months. Things quickly fizzle when I just can't take them anymore and it becomes a chore to see them.

It's hard to claim all single women in my area and age bracket are like this though as I really feel the right woman for me doesn't use online dating. If I see a woman in person I find attractive and make a connection I'll ask her out but I don't see many in my daily routine.

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2 months ago #44
Phantomsp
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Its the same with me and men. There's so few that I'm actually attracted to.

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2 months ago #45
SolarStone
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@phantasomp

How old are you? I've found the older you get the slimmer the pickins. I never imagined not spending the rest of my life with my ex so I didn't even consider what dating would be like if we split.

Even now it doesn't feel real. Sure she's gone for 1.5 years but there are times when I feel this is all some big joke or bad dream. Like I'm still in denial.

Today is better than yesterday. I don't drink but was planning on it yesterday. Glad I didn't.

Of course I wake up to a LinkedIn email of "People you may know" and there was my ex with her pic staring at me from my phone. Thanks LinkedIn - ****.

Funny, when I dropped her as a connection when we broke up she was livid and said "I can't believe you went as far as to drop me from LinkedIn! What if we get back together??? Do we have to send each other an invite?? Yep, that's exactly what we'd do. Or, you could not have terminated our relationship. Either or lol.

I wanted to break all ties and not see anything about her (like her getting married and changing her name) and she took it as a personal insult.

If I knew when these feelings would end I would be ok. Not having an end date is what sucks the worst.

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2 months ago #46
JerseymikesInCa
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Dam i see, wait so you haven't had any contact with your ex? You said she married now ?

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2 months ago #47
Broken 77
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Solarstone,

I have no suggestions to share.
But I completely feel the pain you're going through.
It kind of reminded me of a relationship I was in, in 2007. When we broke up, it took me over 1.5 years to start feeling great again. I went on my first date 2 years after the breakup. When I dated these women, I remember feeling no excitement about a future with them. The dates were good, the sex was good, but the thought of a relationship was just something I felt indifferent about. It was in that phase of random dating, that this one girl and I ended up going on more than 5-6 dates and it seemed okay, not great, but okay. I was just going with the flow, you <email> right? Then, I dunno at what point in the next few months, she started becoming someone really important to me. I found myself really caring and loving towards her needs (she did the same). I found myself getting excited about the weekends when I get to see her (she did too). This continued for a few months and I didn't even realize when I'd actually formed that "connection" with her. Everything about her started seeming like she's the one. She was getting her PhD, I remember feeling super proud. Before you know it, I was genuinely in love with this girl.

I don't believe in the concept of love at first sight. I believe you need to stick around a little longer before you decide if there's a connection.
I hope you get what you wish for.

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2 months ago #48
Phantomsp
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Broken 77, are you still with this girl?

Solar stone, I'm 27. I cant believe what pain in going through right now. Its just another day of suffering. It feels like a nightmare.

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2 months ago #49
SolarStone
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@jerseymike

She's not married that I'm aware. But at the time of the breakup I figured that would be something I didn't want to see which is why I dropped her from LinkedIn (my only social media).

But yes, I have had zero contact sans a text I sent her around this time last year and an email she sent me over the summer. Everything I've read has stated it is best to completely remove them from your life and that's exactly what I did. She, at least initially, saw that as me not caring about her. It was because I loved her so much that I had to do it.

I've more than left the door open for her and she has yet to walk through. That can only mean she doesn't want to. This is why I stopped trying despite her severe emotional reactions to the breakup, talk of "if we get back together", "you are the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life", "you're the best looking man I've ever met", "I'll always love you", etc, etc, bs.

I'm used to a woman leaving if there is fighting, incompatible goals, loss of attraction, indifference but I've never been dumped by a woman who had such strong feelings for me she was literally on the floor doubled over hysterically crying several times on the day she moved out while also kissing me all day, performing oral on me, and holding me in the same day.

This was a serious mind F for me and still difficult to comprehend.

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2 months ago #50
SolarStone
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@broken

You still with her? I hope so.

I've had relationships form that way as well but the things I'm experiencing with the women I've dated are deal breakers.

When I was younger my goal was always to have sex and see where it goes. If a woman proved she was worth more than that I would get into a relationship with her.

After this breakup, my goal seems to first be a relationship and I end up getting disappointed when they don't meet the criteria. I've tried to go in with a none attached attitude but all that does is make me lose the desire to try. When faced with going out with a woman and spending my money that will likely go no where or end up in another 1-4 month mini RL, I would rather just stay home with my dog and watch tv.

From the minute I met my ex I knew she was something special. We went to lunch for our first date and didn't realize 2.5 hours had passed and people were looking for us. It was more than a physical or emotional connection, it was spiritual. As it took me 37 years to find that, I'm not expecting to find it ever again. And that sucks. I wish I had never met her.

I just seem to be getting worse as time goes on. I don't even want to leave the house.

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2 months ago #51
SolarStone
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@phantasomp

Although you are in a lot of pain, you are much better off at your age than mine.

The intial devastation of my breakup lasted for about 10 months where I had to talk myself out of ending my life almost everyday. Had I not had my dog to care for I would have lost the argument.

It seemed to get better and I met this beautiful woman I dated for 4 months. As I got to know her I realized she was very ugly on the inside and it had to end. I wasn't upset about no longer being with her, it was the inability of me to find a women with whom I could begin the next chapter of my life.

After so many failed relationships since my ex, I've all but given up on the idea.

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2 months ago #52
Phantomsp
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I'm furious that my boyfriend has made me feel like ****. He said he loved me and then dumped me like I was trash.

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2 months ago #53
JerseymikesInCa
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If you guys love each other how can go almost 2 years without talking to each other or at least just checking in on them see if they are okay

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2 months ago #54
Broken 77
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Phantom, Solar,

No I'm not with this girl any more. She broke up with me this October & that's how I landed on this page.
She broke up because I took her for granted, got a tad comfortable in the relationship with her and hurt her. But she's still the same person.

It is tough, just give it time. I'm sure at 1.5 years post breakup, you've gotten to a point where it doesn't hurt every second, but there are reminders every now and then. Stay positive, and most importantly, 'believe' that something good will come your way. You will get to a new beginning with someone new or start a new journey with your ex.

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2 months ago #55
Phantomsp
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All I want is him back. I feel like I've been stabbed in the chest.

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2 months ago #56
Phantomsp
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I feel like there's no hope.

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2 months ago #57
Broken 77
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Phantom,

You really need to consciously be occupied, so you don't think about this for sometime. This feeling is expected. You feeling devasted is totally understandable.
This pain is not small, the pain of losing someone you love is immense. Accept that being in pain is okay. Slowly learn to get by each day, don't worry about the future.
Aim for the day, aim to get by today somehow.
You are totally allowed to cry, wallow, write into your journal about this, etc.
Remember this will pass one day. Remember you will be fine one day.
Tell me more, I'm listening.

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2 months ago #58
Phantomsp
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Thanks broken. I'll try to take that in. The pain is just excruciating, I've never been in pain like this before. On Tuesday I stayed awake until 4:30 just thinking about him literally non stop and being in torture. I've been with him for three and a half years and he's never blocked my number before or told me he's got a new girlfriend. Its just completely destroyed me.

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2 months ago #59
Phantomsp
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I'm not only feeling miserable and depressed I'm also angry and furious about him doing this to me. I want my revenge

Broken 77 avatar
2 months ago #60
Broken 77
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I understand Phantom.

You're going through the various predefined stages of a breakup, denial and anger being one of them.

The responsibility of taking care of your weak, hurt heart, is now yours. I have also been awake till 5am, looking at the ceiling aimlessly, trying to digest the shock of how my life turned upside down in the matter of a few days. I let myself cry, pour out my feelings on here, just like you are. When I read what they said, I would calm down momentarily, only to abruptly get upset some hours later. I could feel the ache physically as well.
Breakup is traumatic.
You're slowly, but surely, training your heart to be stronger. For now, just concentrate on eating nutritious food, going out for a walk when it's sunny, keep your job and career out of this and don't let it get affected, try hanging out with friends, reading a book.
You are to create a new "routine" that fills in the void left behind by your ex. And you just blankly continue this new routine, even if your heart is elsewhere.

Considering how devastated you are, I'd recommend not contacting your ex for sometime. The reason I say this, is because you will definitely pour all this out to him, probably bombard him with questions. Him getting aversed by that is the lesser of two concerns. The main concern is, he may react in a way that could put you into a deeper pit of sadness.
Cut the source of the pain, in the bud for sometime.

Just let him go.
You don't need to know if this is permanent or not, right now. You don't need to know if he will face consequences for his actions or not, right now.

Right now, you just let him go.
When you feel better, in like a month, we can address karma and revenge and any such feeling you have.

Keep updating.

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