Advice on how to get your ex back? It's been almost 3 weeks since he broke ...

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #31
acentrix
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No it's fine 😊

Regarding effort, yes I did, because I was afraid to get hurt again.. and I did, again..

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3 months ago #32
acentrix
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I received an inappropriate message off a guy that he knows and I screenshot it and texted the screenshot to him, he has just replied saying 'not sure what that is' followed by 'how have you been'

After not replying to me he is asking me this now?
And after me mailing out all his things? I shouldn't reply right?

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #33
Baron A.
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You do not have to make sense, you are hurting and it is understandable, you struggle with letting go because you saw the potential in the relationship, so I will encourage you to be strong with your decision and to continue talking as it appears to help, you are sounding stronger than you did initially and I applaud you for that. Crying is good, it purges the spirit and release those toxins from the body... you are getting there.

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3 months ago #34
acentrix
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Thanks Baron, I appreciate the support.
Do you think I should reply to him? He will be getting what he wants again, I sent all his stuff back with a note briefly saying that I'm moving on.. so I may look silly replying to his 'how have you been' he may just be after information if I have been speaking to other males (which I haven't)
Not sure how he asked me that after his decision of it being too hard to be friends, this is what I mean when I say I'm confused about what he wants.. which definitely makes me see the commitment issues
He could just not reply to me again anytime like he did yesterday, and that puts me back to square one which for me is so hard

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3 months ago #35
acentrix
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Should I tell him I'm moving on with my life, I feel like maybe if he reads it from me it might shake him a little ..?
Although if it doesnt or does shake him, I want to move on anyway..

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #36
Baron A.
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You do not have to say that, a person who once dated is reaching out in asking how are you it is the perfect opportunity to rub it in his nose.

I am great, never better! How are you?

That is all you need to say and be done with it, that normally challenges a man's ego, some come running back, because once you start showing how hurt you are the chase is over. 😉

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #37
Johnny Nicks
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No maybe dont tell him you are moving on with your life just yet..?

I dont see a problem with his ego, what I do see is a guy who maybe feels his romantic relationships may end up like is parents one, full of anger and conflict and he does not want that..He may be in fear..

Maybe try to make the link with him about that?

But here we are advising you off all kinds of things, and yet we have not understood what drove you apart..what went wrong?

Do you have a handle on it? Because this is the key..

These may help?
http://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/relationship-stages/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY&t=8s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q&t=944s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o&t=457s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

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acentrix avatar
3 months ago #38
acentrix
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I think it's too late, I think I've ruined any chance of him ever coming back or speaking to me again
I can't explain the feeling I'm feeling right now it's the most blank and empty feeling I've ever felt
I don't know what to do

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #39
Johnny Nicks
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Hang on to hope. A small portion..Things can change back as soon as they seemed to go wrong. But don’t wait around. Get on with your life. Go for some real personal growth.. wrote a stretching to do list and start actioning it..

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #40
acentrix
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This was his reply "I appreciate you for doing this ellie, its very mature how you handled this situation! I just received the letters and clothes now. If you could please tell you're parents im sorry for the way things ended. You're family were so nice to me and made me feel so welcome! So i wish All the best to you and you're family i really do"

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #41
Johnny Nicks
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I’m sorry Ellie. But just accept these words for now, but remember he can change his mind anytime..

How do you feel?

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #42
acentrix
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I feel like my heart has just been taken out of my chest I can't even explain the feeling right now
I feel so weak it's hard to type

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3 months ago #43
Johnny Nicks
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Ok, big hug☹️

You are in shock.. it’s really tough but you can survive this and eventually thrive.. Make sure you eat, sleep properly and stay off the booze..

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #44
acentrix
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I did the stupidest thing ever I called him and we spoke I tried to get a reason and he said 'I've told you I don't want a relationship' I told him then why?! From the beginning did so much to go out of his way
He said "that was then but I changed my mind"
He was the biggest smartass, so rude
He's bought me to down to the point where I hate him now
He said he doesn't hate me and he'll never hate me he said I didn't do anything, it's just him who doesn't want a girlfriend, I said so I was a test then? He said no
I feel so used and worthless
I ended the phonecall by giving it to him and hanging up
I even asked about how he said being friends and he said we can't be friends because of you (me)
He tried ending the call and said I'll talk to you later and I was like later? And he said oh yeah probably not like maybe in 5 years (being a smartass again)
He was like I don't want a girlfriend til I'm 30

My brain is all over the place I feel empty

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #45
acentrix
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This is not the person I fell in love with I don't know who this is but I don't want to know them and I wish I could erase everything

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3 months ago #46
acentrix
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He also bought up how I went out clubbing with the guy friend of mine who I've had history with before him (he always brings him up) and I said what does this have to do with anything and he was like I just laughed and I said wow and he was like not at you at him..

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #47
Baron A.
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Why are you torturing yourself with this?

There is nothing wrong with you, there is no need to be watching Youtube links from Johnny right now, there is no need to be searching for answers in how to get him back for now.

I know you want him back, but if you keep this up all you will end up doing is pushing him away. He seem to be a nice guy to me, he was concerned about your family's impression of him because of all of this, he is taking the time to answer your call, despite repeatedly sharing with you that right now he is just not interested in an intimate relationship and nothing is wrong with that.

How about a pause... just stop trying to make something happen for now, you are not going to try to move on and you are certainly not going to try and get him back, just take a pause. You are a beautiful and wonderful person, but a failed relationship can make you feel otherwise, please just stop.

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3 months ago #48
Johnny Nicks
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Do watch the video links, maybe Baron just wants you to remain a little ignorant so he can continue to feel good about offering you his kind of advice.

On the underlying issue I think there are signs that your playing "victim / persecutor " with each other and in some kind of underlying power game.. which you will both lose if you are not careful.

The signs of the 'game are:

He is angry and hurting from some of the things you have done:

1) He also bought up how I went out clubbing with the guy friend of mine who I've had history with

2) I received an inappropriate message off a guy that he knows and I screenshot it and texted the screenshot to him..

There are probably other things which we do not know about.

You are overly worried about how you "look" rather than how things are.. "so I may look silly replying to his 'how have you been' he may just be after information if I have been speaking to other males ..."

I would back away from how you may be perceived, and trying to 'connect' with him..

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #49
Baron A.
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This is very sad to read, one would have thought Johnny was more objective, the statement is very disappointing and I must say this is on becoming.

The poster is getting counselling and is doing fine, I offer no advice but offer support which is sometimes all we need, get over yourself Johnny, and I may add, it does apply that there is a split personality thing going on here, so instead of dealing with this Johnny it would be good in dealing with that personality that is objective and reasonable, not this combative and disappointing one.

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #50
Johnny Nicks
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Because of my training and experience Baron, we obviously we see different things at different levels.

I have provided limited evidence of what may be a dynamic that seems to be causing issues between the OP and her BF at the moment. It is for the OP to decide whether that is accurate or helpful.

You say you have offered not advice Baron.. You said the poster is "doing fine.. Im not sure they would agree..I think they are in considerable shock and pain.

You also said you are only offering support, but you said " there is no need to be watching Youtube links from Johnny right now."

Can I ask how is not providing potentially useful information to someone in need offering support?

I've no idea what you mean when you talk about a "split personality?" That phrase and term went out of psychiatric and therapeutic mainstream use years years ago?

It has been replaced by something called DID.. and I see no real evidence of that serious mental disorder in this thread.

I'm not sure what "I need to get over myself" means? So that is not very helpful either.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #51
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That is fine Johnny... I rest just tired.

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #52
acentrix
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I'm just really hurt, I never saw this coming, and some of his actions and words have just made me feel so silly about myself

I am the type of person when if something goes wrong, I automatically feel like I should take blame, it's not something I do on purpose, I know it's not good for me but it's just how it is, he knows this as I've told him stories about friendships in the past that haven't worked before havent worked me even though I did I'd nothing wrong I still still blamed myself
He's told me that it's not good that I do this and I know but I just can't help it, so I do partly blame myself for what has happened

I've blocked him off everything now its all over
This is a learning experience, as all of my previous experiences have been, I need to get on with my life now, thank you both for your help and words, obviously im not good and i dont know when i will be, guess I was just blinded by his love and all the good things, I really thought this was different..

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Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #53
Baron A.
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Self-esteem is one of those things that can eat away at you if you let it. Your poor self-image of yourself may have developed as a child but that does not mean that it has to live with you for the rest of your life. There are ways that you can learn to love yourself and learn to take responsibility and not continuously blame yourself for everything that happens. If you have allowed yourself to become very down and cannot seem to get over blaming yourself, it may be time to ask for help.

A good counselor can help you overcome some of these thoughts that you are having and help you learn to love yourself. You need to be able to move past all of the blame and come into a place where you are happy with who you are. We all make mistakes and blaming yourself does not help anything in the end. You can learn from your mistakes and move on and become a better person.

I guess being on here is a start, so you are making progress, not to worry.

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #54
acentrix
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I was thinking of getting help as well, the thoughts that I have been having since yesterday and just throughout this whole time are probably ones that you or anyone wants to hear.. and you are right, they are because of things that I have gone through in the past

I come across as strong and I am but when it comes to something that I truely believe in or really care about and put everything into only for it to be crushed in the end, it forces me down to a level in which isn't healthy
And this has happened to me multiple times in the past with work, friendships, other people that have crushed me (but not in relationships as we didn't even make it to that stage)

I would like to know, if you have an answer, how is he so fine and not effected by this? Even if he's said that it hurt him as much as it hurt me, I don't get that vibe off him at all which makes me feel more silly about myself for believing all this

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #55
Baron A.
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I was told that I am cold and calculating, not true.

If he says it is all hurting him then you have no choice but to accept, sure you can doubt because people will lie, but I really cannot see why he would lie about that. The fact that he is not reaching out may give the impression that he is cold but he doesn't want to give mix signals and so he stays away, that is a strength in his personality.

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #56
acentrix
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It was within the first week of when he broke up with me, I asked him yesterday on the phone and he acted like nothing had happened and he was absolutely okay and happy

Do you think I will ever hear from him again

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #57
Baron A.
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Maybe not, you keep pushing it.

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3 months ago #58
Johnny Nicks
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I dont blame you for where you are. You are pushing it because that has worked for you before..Its understandable

I dont think your self esteem is "eating you."

acentrix avatar
3 months ago #59
acentrix
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It's so hard not to let go honestly I don't know how to

Thanks johnny
I probably shouldn't have pushed it and now it's too late

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #60
Johnny Nicks
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Ace, ive been divorced twice and both my exs, some time afterwards, were looking for a reconciliation..Its not over till the fat lady sings 😊

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