Am i being unreasonable?

8 months ago me and my partner broke up, it was a few months after she started a new job, she didn't explain why at the time, just something was missing, she messaged me every day after that, friendly, 10 days later she added a guy from her work on Facebook, i admit i was checking, i was a mess, she had never mentioned this guy before which was weird because she would tell me everything, as soon as he was added she went cold, told me we shouldn't talk and cut off all contact, i immediately suspected something was going on, i was devasted by the break up, we were looking at getting a flat together a week before the split, i spent a month the lowest i had ever been, i went to the gym, lost a lot of weight, changed my appearance, dated other women, my confidence was through the roof, 3 months ago she got in contact and we started hanging out, 2 months ago we slept together, she said she hadn't came since we last had sex, we are back together now and things have been great, on my birthday a couple days ago she let slip that she slept with someone else, turns out it was that guy and i felt like i had been punched in the gut, she said it happened once and it was months after we split, he's this hipster looking dude with an art degree who plays in a band, she deleted him from Facebook the day she re-added me, she says it was horrible and meant nothing, but meant enough for her to block him, she says she felt humiliated because after it he wouldn't talk to her, and she went to see a gig he was playing at, and he went off with another woman. If it meant nothing why does she care? When i questioned her she crys, says she did nothing wrong and says im a hypocrite because i slept with other people, even though i didn't want to break up with her, i didn't think id see her again. If she slept with anyone else i wouldn't have a problem but i cant get over that it's this guy I've suspected since the start, i love this girl, do i try to get past this or should i break up with her, i don't know if i can feel secure in a relationship with her when she might jump ship the next time someone catches her eye.

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Posted on Getting Back
Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #2
Baron A.
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Trust issue is one thing and despite the fact that she jumped ship in the past there is no telling if she will in the future, you just have to grow to trust her all over again.

It is done, she slept with the dude, because of the past your ego is bruised, it happens, there is no reason to dwell on it, that is not going to add to any growth in your relationship it will just hold you both back, forgive and let it go.

Yes you are unreasonable to hold her to a higher moral code but it is human, it can be managed and the only focus you both should have is as you said, you love her, then prove that by letting go of the negative past and treat your woman like the princess she is.

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3 months ago #3
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She's just told me there was someone else, another guy who was sniffing around at the time of our break up, again she says it was months after we split and it was a mistake.

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Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #4
Johnny Nicks
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We all need firm boundaries, reliability, predictability and integrity for trust.

You have been hurt because of your expectations of her behaviour, and that she acted a bit unpredictably, but you can rebuild it in time.

It might be checking if you have something called ROCD, if you are obsessing about this a lot?

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #5
Baron A.
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What was the mistake, while you were together or being with this guy?

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3 months ago #6
Johnny Nicks
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Lots of guys can be sniffing..Sniffing happens all the time. Dont worry about sniffing. Self-esteem is the antidote to sniffing..

Spitfire avatar
3 months ago #7
Spitfire
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Technically, once a couple breaks up, both parties are free to see other people as they're no longer bound to be loyal and committed to each other.

Sometimes relationship is like buying a pair of shoes, you have to try all those nice looking pairs first before you can decide which ones fit you the best and buy them.

Of course it hurts, but yeah, get over it and take pride in knowing that you're still the best fit for her in comparison to all of those other shoes she tried on 😊

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Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #8
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Spitfire wrote:

Sometimes relationship is like buying a pair of shoes, you have to try all those nice looking pairs first before you can decide which ones fit you the best and buy them.

Of course it hurts, but yeah, get over it :)

<shocked>

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3 months ago #9
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The shoes that I bought pinch my toes a bit, but for the most part, it's a good enough pair of shoes 😆😆😆

Recent Blog Post: To love even when it hurts
Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #10
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For the most part? Lol

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3 months ago #11
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I'm making an effort to get past it and not let it effect anything, there is other things that are winding me up,last week she ignored one of my messages and replied back several hours later to say she had been at a friend from works house and was on her way home, then she calls me yesterday saying the same guy has had a hissy fit because he found out she's seeing me, whys he just finding out now, it's draining having to deal with this stuff constantly and she's too blind to see that these guys are all trying to **** her

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #12
Baron A.
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Ouch! Suppose you are wrong about that, suppose it is really all very innocent and it is all in your mind because you are jealous?

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3 months ago #13
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I believe it's innocent on her part, she's always had exclusively male friends, that's how we met, it's never bothered me, what's bothering me is the secrets, she became friends with a married man, purely friends from her point of view, and of course he tried it on as well, and hadn't told his wife they were friends, and it's caused rumours around her workplace that they are having an affair, this makes me look like a fool.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #14
Baron A.
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I see what you mean, she is immature in her approach to what impact she wants her image to have and then she became secretive I suppose because she knew you would approve of such a thing. I do get it, however since that is the case all you need to do is be consistent with your caring for her, do not get on her too much for these mistakes, in an effort to know people sometimes we do get in trouble with other persons perception of us.

I love being around women, they are my best friends, an insecure woman would have a hard time being with me, yet I am not a cheat, but if a woman was cheated on she would have a hard time being in an exclusive relationship with me.

Some of my female friends would love to go beyond platonic but I keep them at arms length, I am not naïve to the possibilities, so give her the benefit of the doubt, sure guys are going to want to get into her pants, but if she is strong enough then she will be okay, trust her.

I know you want to protect her from the wolves but you will not be there all the time, so she has to know how to take care of herself. If your friendship is important to her you will not have to remind her or push her, she will eventually reach back for you because you are consistent with treating her like a lady.

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3 months ago #15
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Think that's it over with now anyway, she came over, starting talking about the guy from work being upset she was seeing someone, i said it could have been avoided if you told him sooner, she asked me if i thought she kept things from me intentionally and i said regardless if it's intentional or not, the fact is you do keep things from me, she then stormed out.

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #16
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Of course you would have a right to question the motives and logic of somebody who surrounded themselves with members of the opposite sex, when they know what some of these people wanted, but claimed to always maintain a healthy - arms length?

Why continue to put yourself in a potentially difficult situation that you could easily remove yourself from? It does not inspire trust and confidence, to continually and consciously put ones self at the risk of temptation like that.

No doubt you might ask them why would they continue to do this if they knew what the other people wanted of them?

With substance abuse, addicts they rarely go straight for their fix, they consistently manage to consciously put themselves in situations of temptation first, which usually is the first stage of a predictable chain of events. This is called a SUD..

In situations where it does not take much of a slip to end up where they don’t want to end up or so they tell you. The expression for this is a “SUD.. “ It stands for a “seemingly unimportant decisions”.

For example a guy might have a Coke and pros titute habit.. However, he doesn’t go straight to the junkie or to the pros titute, what he does is go to an area of town where he knows his mates drink. He then buys his mates a few beers. His mates then buy him a few beers. He then gets so drunk he can easily take the courage to call his dealer and goes to get a bit of Coke. Once he has gets his hit of Coke he then has the courage to ring a pros titute.

The seemingly unimportant decision is the conscious one he took to go to the area of town where his mates might be. Of course he can defend that to himself that he is not doing anything wrong!!!

If she had told you about the friendship with this married guy?

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #17
Baron A.
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She stormed out?

There is something about the "I told you so" that people find irritating, I wondered if you just listened and was sensitive to her losing a friend then maybe she would not have stormed out, in this case it appeared that you were happy that it went flat and you were like, it is all your fault... what is better, telling her your truth or being sensitive to her feelings?

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3 months ago #18
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No, she hadn't told me until after we got back together, six months later, she also has an addictive personality.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #19
Baron A.
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Addictive personality?

What is she addicted to?

An addictive personality refers to a particular set of personality traits that make an individual predisposed to developing addictions. This hypothesis states that there may be common personality traits observable in people suffering from addiction. I am not sure of the reason why you threw that inside there... please explain.

Do you think she is being secretive with you for the very reason she stormed out?

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