Change Someone’s Perspective On Commitment - Possible Or Not?



Well another topic which maybe some of you have experienced or wondered how to deal with is situation like this. You meet some girl (boy, if you are a girl) you like this person, you both have a lot in common, at least you think you do, you laugh, flirt with each other. You feel this spark between you, you date, you feel that you have chemistry and there is something in you that screams and says to you – let’s be together, let’s jump into it!

So you go to her/his place and you make love with each other. Everything looks perfect, even in the morning, so you spend the day together. But, in the evening when you promise her/him that you will text, nothing happens. The person starts being cold or distant over the next few days and when you want an answer, you hear – sorry I don’t want a serious relationship. But you do want one. How do you change this person’s mind? Is it even possible?

What I experienced in past is that it is possible to change someone’s mind, but only if things go slowly. You can’t jump into something fast. You have to “play the game” with them, meaning – if she says hey I love freedom, I don’t want to be in typical relationship, you say, Well, me too. Don’t worry, you are not my type anyway (punching her with smile in your face as a joke, but silently screaming long and deep, NOOOOOO). So what I have figured out accidentally, not planned, was that when I give her space, don’t try to change her lifestyle, respect her and swallow my pain and jealousy, then after sex or anything physical, she may still go party or maybe date someone else. And I wondered if I should tell her truth and risk being rejected.

What do you do in these situations? I think that if the person is not coming right out of a break up and just likes the single lifestyle, maybe there is some hole which someone in past dug in this person, which makes them less confident and unable to open up more emotionally.

Another possibility is if the girlfriends of your potential girl are single. Mostly I have experienced that a girl’s friends can destroy your chances with her if they have the attitude of “let’s go party, let him be.” Of course, this is just an example, but the point is that single women mostly tend to sabotage other girls’ chances for relationships. I do not say that it is every time, of course not. But maybe she doesn’t want to ruin the “girls’ group” so she carefully avoids a relationship.

So, how to solve these situations? I believe it depends on your attitude. As a male what I think and what I have experienced is that girls prefer men who have a rather free attitude and if you are not chasing them into something, like a relationship. I mean, of course, maybe they were thinking about it if they like you, but still you cannot talk about it. You need to be a free spirit, look independent and, of course, be independent. But don’t be too much into them. If she likes being alone, ok. Tell her yes, I understand, you are right. However, it is still about chemistry and emotions. If emotions beat logic, maybe she/he changes her/his mind. Question is, how long will it take?

So if you were in this situation, how did you change the person’s mind about being in serious relationship? Is it even possible or you should not even try it? What is your opinion guys?

Thanks for reading and patience with my chaotic thoughts tryin to be put in order.


So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.


  • Vale: I think it is possible, like you said. You just need to be patient and not try too hard to change them or their lifestyle. Try to fit in with what they like to do, but keep pushing for a date or time alone every once in a while. Sometimes people just aren’t ready to commit. And I agree also that if someone has too many single friends, then they may be reluctant to get into a relationship, especially if they are afraid that their boyfriend/girlfriend might want too much of their time and prevent them from seeing their friends and make them miss out on fun things their friends do. However, like in your last post, I think this mostly applies to people in their teens and twenties.
  • Duce: Thank you for your opinion :)
  • Vale: :)
  • gummybears: Changing a person’s mind is difficult.
    Its much easier to change their behavior.
    You can get a person to stay comitted even though they may not want to be. People will work at jobs they hate for decades. People will stay in marriages they hate for decades.
    You really don’t need to change a person’s mind at all.
  • Vale: Very true gummybears!
  • Johnny Nicks: It depends on why there is a lack of commitment?
    If someone is anxious, you can work with it, but it can be more difficult to build attraction where there is little. You can gradually build change to make people more authentic and put down their protective false masks, but it is difficult to put a new one on someone. Values and beliefs are difficult to change, but long term psychotherapy does work successfully with many issues.
  • Duce: Thank you for all your opinions people. My point was to make it easier - if you for example meet some girl who has been single for a long time, maybe she was scared that somebody will hurt her (like some **** in past or ex boyfriend) and you both resonate with each other, feel great etc, if it is possible slowly to shift in this example, her opinion towards you for a better, that she will not be able to resist this energy which is happening between you two and she changes her mind and will want to get together. And if so how to do it? Pretend you are free spirit too, or being distant to make her feel that she will lose you? Difficult, but as Johnny said if there are bigger issues you are short on changing her mind.
  • Johnny Nicks: You can lead by example to share your feelings and when she begins to voice fears you can explore and reassure.
  • gummybears: Or just kidnap them and keep them locked up in your basement...
    Or remove them from their support system, and make them financially, physically and emotionally dependant on you to provide all of that for them. Kinda like how marriage works in most places. Hehe.
  • Duce: Johnny Nicks: sounds reasonable
    gummybears: :D but what if you cannot support them in this way, they are richer or anything .. you know :D but I got the point.

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