Do You Still Want Your Ex Back When They Have A New Lover ( Rebound Relationship )?

Rebound


In my situation, my ex started dating someone else and went into a new relationship just 2 months after we broke up. I am still in love with her and would still take her back. (But not by all means!)

Even if you think all hope is gone, there is always a chance both paths could cross again some day in the future. There is never a 100% guarantee, but you can minimize the mistakes and maximize the possibilities if you ever want to take a shot at the long haul. Keep in mind that you will not be together in the near future and you have a long and bumpy road ahead. Do not make yourself blind to only 1 option as it would only hurt you even more in the end.


First of all, when would you call and classify it as a rebound relationship?

This concept is hard to explain because every situation is unique and so is every person, but, in general, a rebound relationship is often explained as a new relationship to soften the pain or to suppress the emotions from a previous relationship. Rebound relationships start soon after a broken relationship because the person is suddenly missing intimacy and the daily routine. They need to fill the void and, in some cases, these persons are not really in love with this new person. They may feel butterflies, but may only be something temporary. In the so-called honeymoon stage (first 4-6 weeks approximately), everything seems new and exciting and they will not yet see each other’s flaws.

You can call it a rebound relationship when someone is not fully healed from the previous relationship and they take these issues into their new relationship. These issues will arise later because they are just suppressing it and this could break the rebound relationship or bring it down hill. That said even rebound relationships can last a lifetime if the rebound person hits the right buttons and/or you interfere with this relationship.

If it is a rebound relationship, then this relationship could end pretty soon in approximately 2-4 months because everything went too fast and the foundations were never stable to build on. Sometimes they do last longer, but, eventually, most of them will break because of unsolved issues or unsuspected feelings. Either the dumper or dumpee will notice it only helped him or her to heal after the previous relationship, but there was no real love. Alternatively, the rebound person may have found out he or she was being used to get over someone and they now see issues arising in their relationship with the person, and they may decide to dump the dumper.

Time is essential between the actual breakup and the new (rebound) relationship, but this could vary a lot for every situation because;

  • In most cases, a dumpee needs more time to heal and, thus, a relationship will most likely be a rebound because they simply are not over the old relationship yet.
  • In most cases, a dumper heals faster than the dumpee because they had the idea about breaking up several weeks / months before the actual break up. And, as they initiated the breakup, you can say that the dumper is more likely to end up in a rebound rather than the dumpee.
  • The longer your relationship lasted, the longer it takes for a person to heal,usually. This is simply because the bond was bigger and you share more memories. However, you can never really say how fast each person heals from a broken heart or hurt feelings. Some people just heal faster than others depending on how sensitive they are.
  • What was the reason for the breakup? Was it a bad breakup like someone cheated or with a lot of fights? The cause of the breakup could either decrease or increase the time which is needed to heal, depending on the person who is hurt.
  • If your relationship was an intimate one and your breakup did not end so abruptly, then it may increase the time to heal and get over someone.

What should you do if your ex has a new lover?

  • Accept their new date or lover and just say something like “I am happy for you and wish you all the best in your new relationship” as they will not expect you to accept it and they could try to make you jealous.
  • Search for what went wrong in your old relationship and do not bring this conversation up with your ex. Most people will find an answer after a certain amount of time passes and then you can start improving yourself. You cannot improve them as they need to do that by themselves. You were both guilty for a breakup because the relationship simply did not work, it takes 2 to tango!
  • Go LC (low contact) or NC (no contact) for the time being and try not to be around for your ex if they need a shoulder to cry on. They will just use you for the comfort and will get back to their new lover once you soothed them. To do this you can make them clear you both need time apart and you can’t be friends with them. At least not for the time being and you are not sure what the future holds. Bring it in a friendly way and keep it short for example by e-mail. If you stay around for your ex then their new lover will have an easier time to create a stable relationship with them as you are there to ease the lost feelings and get them through the initial phase. If they do seek any contact then do not talk about your old relationship or their new relationship and keep it short but always be friendly. But take your distance, in general people want to have what they can’t get.
  • Work on yourself and improve yourself just as the normal advises go (Sports, hobbies, going out, family, a job, school, pick something up which you always wanted to do because you never had time for it and in general we call it ”Have a life”).
  • Have the time of your life, you are single and you need to focus on yourself for the time being! Happy persons attract more people and with that I don’t mean you should live like a rock star and you would only go for sex / drugs, rock&roll (well it is your life but this would not bring you back to your ex)
  • Remove anything which remind you of them in your house (pictures, presents, other belongings from your ex) and store them in a box out of sight. This will only inflict more pain because it brings up memories and thoughts about your ex and will only push you back. Store digital pictures from your phone / camera / pc on an external disk so you can’t watch them easily. There is no need to delete those stuff or throw them away as you could regret it later on.
  • Never check out their profile websites such as Facebook, rather block them or delete them after you told them you 2 need time apart (depends on how your current situation is) You can keep them on your friends list but be prepared that you might get updates about their new life and this could hurt you. Just do not show how much this affects you because they might want to test your feelings and trigger a reaction from you. Just update your status as normal and show you are happy with your new life! You could also remove them from msn , yahoo messenger, Google+, Phone number(s), whats-app, ping etc.(Store them somewhere on a note or on your computer for later use).

Don’t do the following things if your ex is in a new relationship

  • As usual do not panic and do not act out of despair / stalk / beg / cry or plead, this would only push your ex further away. We are all human and I know you made some of these mistakes, we all do! It does not necessarily mean it is too late but you should stop with these mistakes right away, pick yourself up and control yourself.
  • If he or she ever tells you about their new date or lover then never raise your voice or get angry at them as this would only drive them further in his or her arms. Do not interfere with their new relationship as this would only backfire and you would only fight an already lost battle.
  • Do not blame your ex for any mistakes and do not make them feel guilty because this will not bring you 2 any closer!
  • If you made some huge mistakes, then you could make a sincere apology, but not while they are in a new relationship! This will just justify the breakup, but will not change their image about you and they will continue to move on.
  • Do not get yourself in the friend’s zone as it would only decrease your chances in winning your ex back in a later on, they will get used with you around and will be able to eat both cakes. You are there for their comfort and they also got their new mysterious lover! Having a best friend and a new mysterious lover? Hell yeahn the best of both worlds!
  • Do not try to convince them in any way that you or your relationship are better than their new partner or new relationship. Jealousy is not a way to attract your ex back. Even if you know his or her new lover is no good for them, you can hardly alter their thoughts about this person and it will only backfire on you. Sometimes the more other people say something isn’t good, the more the person wants it.
  • Don’t tell your ex you have changed as they need to discover this by themselves when the time is right. They already know the old you and when they see the new you, any positive changes may increase their attraction! Leave the bad habits behind, get a new haircut, get fit / toned, buy new clothes “dress to impress”, be creative, etc., but don’t overdo it. Just be fabulous and stun them the next time they see you! No need to show off and brag in words, let them see the difference.
  • Do not sit at home and do nothing, GET OUT! You will only increase the time to heal and you will not evolve. Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself will not bring your ex back in any way! You will only get into a downwards spiral of negative emotions. You will only get out of this emotional roller-coaster if you actually do something about it. Remember these fears in your mind are made by yourself and you can and will conquer them.
  • Do not send any present or letter to your ex gf/bf, this will not work because they are in an emotional state right now. The NC time is needed to think rationally again and you can start improving yourself for your own good. If you want to write a letter, then do so, but keep it to yourself! For some people it helps to write a letter and they will feel relieved. You can keep this letter so you can read it back later on and change it if you like. This will work like a journal to get through the initial stages of a breakup.

You probably made tons of mistakes already, just like I did. This is quite normal and we are human after all! But so are they, and they also made mistakes. It is not about pointing out who is more guilty about the breakup. It is about forgiving each other and understanding what went wrong. A lot of people have made these same mistakes. You are not any different! Accept these mistakes and leave them behind. The past is the past and you have learned from them. Do not bring any of those mistakes up to your ex because it will just remind them of the bad days. He or she needs remember the good days instead. However, this takes time. More then you think, but patience is the key.

Realization-> The Actual Realization-> The Crappy Part->The Rage-> The Crush-> Freedom

The stage of Freedom means you are ready to face them again because you are not emotionally loaded anymore.


Let time pass and let things go with the flow, do not close the doors entirely but keep your eyes open for any smoke signals because if you can see smoke then there is fire somewhere! Just stay under the radar for the time being and when things go wrong they can reach out for you.
If they do come back after an amount of time and they search contact with you then do not jump in right away. Try to find out what their real purpose is and make a better connection step by step. Try to understand them and be the person that wants to listen to them. Play it cool and be your “new” self! Be happy and see if their new relationship isn’t what they expected it to be or maybe it is already broken. Play a little bit hard to get so the flame will not be killed instantly! Tease a bit but try to let your ex think as they hardly have a chance to get you back. If you turned the tables and they are not taking you for granted then you are on the good way. If they want you back as in a relationship then be sure you both evolved and you both know what the problems were in your old relationship. You both need to work for it and should not fight for it. Remember this process takes time and you need to hit the right buttons at the right time! They need to show more affection and interest a couple of times until you show something back as well.

Just always keep in mind that there is a possibility of rejection but you can increase your chances if you play your cards right! Of course I don’t want you to be heartbroken again, but if you really think you 2 are mend to be then you should actually have a plan for reconciliation. The chances will increase if you were mature all the way, your previous relationship was a long term relationship and you 2 share some nice memories. These advantages could benefit you above his or her rebound!

Real love never completely dissapears and could be reignited!

*re-read articles like this every week or every month to keep yourself focused on your goals and it will be easier to get through the initial stages of the breakup*


Success stories are not always there on the internet because most people disappear when they are back together. A lot of cases fail because most people are not hitting the right buttons but there is always a chance if you implement these steps right away. I’ve heard some success stories and the time to get back together varies a lot. It could vary from weeks to months to years. So being patient can deliver you great results but remember to move on meanwhile, evolve and improve yourself.
Do not stare yourself blind to one outcome, place yourself on a pedestal and make yourself the priority.

Thanks for reading and I tried to sum up as much as possible and most likely I still missed out on some things.. but any additional information / thoughts / indifferences / other opinions are appreciated below.

Sorry my English is not perfect, but neither am I!

~ Shame on you if you fool me once! Shame on me if you fool me twice! ~


Feel free to post any comment below.

Update on my situation;

It took a total of 10 months for me to recover my heart, fully evolve, accept the situation, be happy with myself and be able to talk with her again on a normal level. I found out she met a new guy and live together. I am happy for her and I can say I accept the way it is. After all this time I don’t even want her back as my gf anymore and I am totally happy with it. No need to stay in contact either, our ways separated and I am totally fine with it. All this experience made me less sensitive, because I was just a bit too sensitive. My lesson in the end was, enjoy life but stand your ground when you have your opinion or when you think differently. Give your reasons and have a mature conversation because a healthy relationship involves with mature communication and foremost be open in your relationship. The trust you create with this is essential for long lasting relationships. This was my main problem, love blinded me so I didn’t see the problems and I didn’t want to communicate about these issues. My perception was; if I am happy then she must be happy also. All experience in life will help to create a better you for your next relationship(s). Nothing is guaranteed in life so take it day by day and be happy with what you have instead of being sad or hurt about the things we don’t have. Cherish the past and embrace the future, do not stay in the past with your mind as it will set you back and slow your process to heal. You will learn from everything in life and will use this experience for future purpose even if it is a negative experience. Eventually try to keep your head up because it is actually a waste of time to grief for ages. Although grieving for something that is lost or broken is human because you will be able to give the negative emotions a place and you will be able to conquer them!

- what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger! (I know very cliche! ;)

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.

479 Comments:

  • MoonlightDrifter: Its all on strategy and patience so you can get back the love of your life, it also depends on how much you have changed and accepted your own flaws. This is a really great for many people to know how to approach this situation. Many panic over the fact that they lost them and cling desperately to never let go, its a natural feeling. I know this information will help those that started to have this common problem, you explained it very well Roses :) I would like to say thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience, I hope all goes well for you and everyone reading this post. <3
  • MoonlightDrifter: Never forget there is still hope :) don’t give up yet.
  • Angelina1985: i dont want to hope..? what for?
  • vex_exil: Dude your post is awesome! Although you’ve told me most of these tips it was great reading them all together. Makes me feel much better about my situation.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Hope is the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Despair is the opposite of hope.
    If you have hope in a decent way then it is still healthy for not giving up so easy on love. But that’s why I also explained you should not be blinded to 1 option and you should really ask yourself if you want this person back and it is never a guarantee you can get back together.
    I know enough success stories from people who came back after 1 year and even if they had relationships with others in between. Some of them always kept some kind of “hope” but take into account they first let the love of their life go and moved on with their life to evolve. And then when you don’t expect them to come back they could actually come back in your life.
  • the.jessinator: I truly enjoyed reading your article. This summed up my entire situation right now. I am past the emotional depression stage and I am slowly grasping the happy, active, redefining myself stage. I have had a couple dates with this one guy and I do get the butterfly feelings again but I have a gut feeling they won’t last for long. But I’ll accept his comfort and let myself heal with time. Reading this helped me realize what I am doing is normal, and I am not the only one.
    Thank you.
  • MoonlightDrifter: I gave you a thumbs up :D <3 your post
  • adrian: It’s a good read. Thanks for the column Rose, It’s my second day after break up and IT’S been hard not to think about it. As I’m going through a condition which I’m not certain if it was a rebound for my ex, she jumped On to a new relationship without my consent & decided she will be with him cos he promised her a better life which I had no clue, this happens when I was only away for month. We were really good together and now that I am back. Utterly crushed by her.
  • Hispychic: Awesome read...needed this!
  • Mayforce: lol omg, you are doing a .... career here! No wonder I’d call you guru! You are doing so well and surely you will find your true love soon. I can see that. You’ve turned out to be a great guy.
    b(^ ^)d thumbs up
  • Tim: All gret tips. I have actually done them all already, have been upbeat. I wished her well in her well in her new relationship and only by text while we were discussing her moving her stuff out of my home. Other than that, total NC. She moved in with another, but have been avoiding my house so that we don’t see each other, as shte syllable has major furniture to move out. I have been staying at friends and family’s houses and getting support from them until all her stuff is out. Then I immerse myself in a complete cleanup of my place. It has only been a week so right now I am vulnerable and would take her back. I want to be in a position of power should she come back, but I don’t really think she will.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: do not worry about the outcome as it will only increase your healing time but it is still early and you can prevent alot of mistakes. So minimize those and maximize your chances and you will be a winner either way. Keep your self-respect and dignity. Goodluck! Share your progress if you like.
  • Tim: Thanks. It’s tough, but she should be leaving for work in a few minutes. Then I am going home to do some laundry and clean a bit. I still have not slept in my own home in over a week. I have my good and bad moments. When all is moved out, I must stop staying away from my own home. It’s a nice place and should be cleaned. I know it will pass, but its still quite tender a situation for my heart.
  • Tim: Oh, to clarify, I don’t think she has been sleeping there. She usually got home from work just before I was getting up for work. I just don’t want the chance of her coming by early in the am. Plus, ill admit, I’m still rather freaked out. Why was I really with her? Maybe because she was a young stunner. Not a mature reason to be with someone. I was a fool, and am now paying the price.....
  • a.t.: I feel ya Tim, am in a similar position as you. Give it few good weeks and try your best to lift yourself up.
    It’s my 3rd week now. As days goes by, you will feel better. Thanks to books, gym, family and friend’s.
  • Tim: Well, first night sleeping home since June 30th. Wow, she has really moved a lot. Just furniture of hers left. Big items in spare room and basement. Ok, I lost it. Did laundry, weeping and yelling at myself out loud about how stupid and weak I am. Man, was it rough. Fell asleep on couch. Can’t do the bed yet. Yes, I let her completely define me. Now I’m lost.
  • a.t.: Yes, it’s normal. You need to get through this. The sooner her stuff is out of your place, the better for you to heal.
    Speak to someone when you need to, friend or family member. I’m always the quiet one In the family, somehow on that dinner night, I broke down in tears big time. They were utterly shocked and felt my pain. In return there was love and words of encouragement. It was unexpected when it happened. Somehow It felt relief after spilling everything out. That’s how I felt for start.
  • Tim: Your family sounds wonderful. It does help. No breaking down in front of anyone for me yet. My parents are also supportive, they know what is going on. Sitting in my office now, just wanting to leave or breakdown. Or should I say, leave SO I can break down. Strange, this hurts more than when I divorced my wife of 16 years for cheating. I made my peace with her, and she ended up meeting a great guy. I know why I’m a mess right now. A fitful nights sleep on the couch is leaving me tired and vunerable. I have dumped enough on my friends and family. Just need to keep my mind off of things, I suppose. Thanks for the responses, makes me feel connected to reality.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: it will get better sooner if you implement the above stuff. Stay away in No contact or low contact to heal yourself and you will feel better eventually! I’ve been there and after 5 months i feel much better even if I don’t have her back. I don’t know what the future holds but I am getting stronger everyday and maybe I don’t even want her back anymore. I was too good for her and she didnt show me the love I gave her in return. Well I still love her because you can’t just remove someone from your heart but there will come a day and you will accept the situation and either make a last effort or move on...
  • Tim: Your situation is the same as mine and I appreciate you words of encouragement. Same here, I loved and gave all. Did everything for her with no demands for reciprocity. Am still sad but now I see the light. It was about me not wanting to be alone, and the fact that she fed my ego with her beauty and youth. See filled a very superficial void in my life, and I was wrong to think that it really fulfilled me. I still miss the fun times together but someday I will be glad she left. Someday.......
  • Tim: As I may have mentioned earlier, my ex still has big furniture item in my basement and a bedroom. I am now going on day 4 of actually sleeping at my house. It’s been really difficult and I have backed off trying to sleep at my parents and a friends to not be home, or alone. Then it happened. Received a text at 2:30 this morning saying she was coming over after work ALONE to pack more things. Yes she has a new man but is staying with her parents until she buys this house she wants. At 3:30 this morning she shows up. I’m get dressed for work and talk to her. I am smiling, asking if she is ok. I told her no matter what happened, I still feel protective of her, wish her the best, and infer that I have a friend but am not jumping into anything. That is a lie, but I wanted to appear that I have emotionally moved on and am desirable to others. She is like a machine, acting completely nonchalant. Also reading texts in between.I told her she could talk to me anytime about anything, even her new man. I know what happened. She met a guy at her new job, started liking him, and contemplated leaving me for months. That’s my estimation. That’s why she called me 2 weeks ago and said she was having doubts about us and was moving out. I left for work while she remained there packing things. Got into my car and lost it. I think I did all the right things in front of her, acted happy and happy for her. I just want to get to a place where I don’t even want her back. What a terrible morning....
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: I know how you feel, and you are acting in a mature way. She is behaving like this to see if she can get you out of that box as they do still care but they also want to put up that pokerface.
    I haven’t seen my ex gf for 6 months now and I still think about her from time to time but it gets easier everyday. I still spoke to her a few times so it set me back a few times. So I advice to keep No Contact up for a while after she got all her stuff and she will need to see the difference between you and this new guy but that only happens after the honeymoonstage. And maybe you have moved on by then and you will meet someone else instead. Do not blame yourself nor blame her as it will only make you crazy. Time will tell.
  • a.t.: Well you be fine. You will need to chance yourself to heal & move on completely. Since you said your part, shall just leave it as it is. Cos its done deal. She will get the idea. Managed your expectation as this will go for a very long time. Don’t think its a good idea for your fresh wound to be in touch to talk about her new man which I doubt she will. I feel the right thing to do right now is to let go and move as hard as you could. More or less I’m in a same situation as yours. Had passed that motion and giving my best not looking back at all. I do question every now and then. Funnily, I stumble on to few threads & write-up online about why a dumper can just dump you and move in with another.
    Google it. What she’s going through it’s somekind of syndrome.
    It is called the ‘G.I.G.S. Syndrome’. It kinda ease my perspective for not questioning anymore which I did when I saw her in my dream pathetically. Hope it works for you too.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: yes it happens when the honeymoonstage is over,... then the butterflies are gone and they think the grass is greener at the other side. They want to experience it again to feel the love and beloved when everything is new and mysterious. Some of them keep jumping from one relationship into another. Some do that their lifetime and never will be truely happy, some will jump a few times untill an age is reached where they think about children/marriage/settling and they are happy with taking someone less instead... just because they are in a rush. Well love is hard to describe and you can only truely feel it.
  • a.t.: Touche. So true. My ex jump onto me before she dump her ex when we started going out. She even told me there were plans getting married the following year too. Her ex found out via checking her phone. Maybe she did that intentionally so he could dump her. But then we were already going out. Now she’s doing it to me but with a more direct move in advance by texting me with illogical reasons. A pure decision she made herself without having a proper closure with me. A cycle seems so visible that I should have acknowledge it before. Nevertheless I won’t blame her or even hate her for that. It will only dampen my life more. At the end I feel sorry for her being instead. I will have to be careful if another G.I.G.S clash along.
  • Tim: The both of you are great thanks for the support. It means a lot. I will Google that one thing mentioned. Last Sunday, a friend of hers called me. A sweet older lady who I have met on several occasions. She asked what was going on, that my ex was just there asking for a temporary place to stay. She said sorry, but no. They have been friends for years. She said my ex dates rather low life types usually, that she never had a relationship for more than several months and it ends. I was in a better position to take her out, do things for her, and nice gifts etc... And for perspective, she was always attracted to me, said I wad the best man she has ever known. But yes, she was younger and extremely attractive. Maybe I’m being paid back for being too superficial. Thanks again to you all.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Yes, it is not your fault and not really their fault. They have something in their mind which is called the Grass Is Greener Syndrome. In most cases they don’t really know why they need to breakup and give illogical reasons just like my ex did. "its not because you, its because of me", "i need to settle things in my mind", "i need space" etcetera. In most cases there is just someone else which triggered their butterfly feeling again and they think they found "love" again and will rush into another relationship. Most of those things are in a rush and they will experience the same cycle again but they don’t really notice it. I am not hating my ex gf either because I deeply love her and I actually want her to be happy even if that is without me. I know I was really good to her and she should cherish that and the memmories we had. For now I am moving on and focussing on myself. Be happy with yourself and what you have, don’t be sad about the things you don’t have!
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Tim.
    Well just follow the steps and you will be fine either way.
    You know you were really good for her and it is not always the looks which counts believe me! Even your personality will make you look better, for example if you have a lot of confidence then your body language will change and will make you more attractive to others. Be confident, have a laugh and smile to the world like you can handle anything! Well I am not bad looking mysefl but I think my self-esteem was not good and I was just scared to lose her so I probably placed her on the pedestal instead of myself. Make yourself a priority and the rest an option. People who are happy with themself attract way more people then people who are happy because they have someone else. You are not dependant on someone else, it is all between your ears.
    Also do not blame yourself with the famous words "What if"... the past is the past and you learned your lesson and experienced how it went. You can’t change the past anyway, you life today and you can only improve yourself to be the best you can.
  • Tim: Thanks guys! Yes, you have me pegged quite well. That is the cycle I have been Going through most of my life. I’ve been happy alone before, casual dating, but then BAM! I meet THE ONE and I let her define me. A trend I had better correct or what I am going through now will be repeated. After I divorced my wife some years back, I was finding myself, was pretty happy actually. Then I met S. and lost that balance. It was just she and I and I was blind to all else. Moved to fast, moved her in and... Well, you see the result. Thanks again guys!
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: It is good you see the cycle and what is going wrong. Some people just do not want to see it and make themself blind for what is happening. They instead flee away for the real problem and will bring their issues into their new relationship.
    With or without this person you will be a better person because you evolved! good luck on your journey!
  • Tim: Thanks, Thorns. After work, I collected what my friend calls redneck welfare. Taking my returnable cans back, and went for a long walk. Saw my ex nephew as I waked by his house and we chatted. My ex mother in law was there too. Haven’t seen her in years. Really felt nice. Walked back home and watched a movie, and about what colors I may paint the interior my my house. Felt great, relaxed, thinking that someday I’m going to be ok. Now sitting at the office, I just had one of those sadness attacks. My mind just wonders too much. Then I take some earlier advice to me here, to think about what I have and not what I don’t have. Job, house, ex wife paid off for her share of house I kept in three months. I did help. I will take my time to weep of yell or whatever, but I’m at work. This is still fresh, and its going to be very hard, but someday I’m going to be cool with being alone. Then maybe ill be ready to try again.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: I know it is a rough and bumpy road but you can overwin the obstacles one by one. I also had ups and downs but I started to accept them. You are human after all so negative emotions are part of life so you cherish the positive emotions even more. Just do not get stuck into the downwards negative emotions and so let the possitive emotions get the upperhand eventually. It really takes time and you have to be patient, with days it goes better and you will feel whole again. Both a relationship and being single has advantages and disadvantages. Just enjoy your time being single again and your road will cross someone else road somewhere in the future. My relationship was 6 months ago and I still think back from time to time but it does not hurt as much as it did back then. Sleeping goes normal again and the same applies for sports and eating. Accepting is a big point towards healing and feeling better.
    I am not even sure anymore if I want to reach out to her in the future,... not even as friends. I am just asking myself, do I want to make an effort for someone who turned so cold and disrespected me? Maybe she had no choice and wanted me to heal because she couldnt help me out ofcourse. Breaking up with someone is hard and you do not want to hurt the other person if it went in a mature way but you simply can’t help this person healing as it will only decrease their healing time and hurt their feelings even more. Just get rid of everything which reminds you about her.. at least out of sight and into a box... You will feel better!
  • Johnny Nicks: Not all rebounds are bad, it depends on the individual. Check out http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19625631
  • Tim: Hey guys. Hope you don’t mind if I post here a lot. I wanted this to be like a journal of sorts so I can track my progress, and get support from kind and experienced people like yourselves. Spent the weekend with some friends, saw some family, now I am back on my friends boat alone just watching TV. Had a real bad breakdown this morning then recovered. Just a song on the radio in my car. I should go home, but I think ill sleep here on my friends boat alone. I basically dumped this friend for two years because of meeting my ex. He was nice enough to allow me to hang out again with him. I am so foolish. I so miss my ex right now. But I am tired and should sleep. I have friends and family, but feel so alone. Thanks guys. How were your weekends?
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Johnny Nicks.
    True and some rebounds do workout a lifetime as i told so you should never stare yourself blind that this relationship will break.
    @ Tim.
    Sure no problem at all to release your thoughts here.
    I know what you mean about some songs on the radio, they do remind you about your ex or about a memory. When I hear a song which reminds me about her I immediatly change the channel these days. I know you feel alone but with time it will ease the pain. I can sleep normally these days even if I still miss her. I still love her even if she moved on for 2 months with this new guy. I wish I could just push the reset button and forget about her but thats love and we learn to life with this with time. My weekend was great thanks. Went out to parties with friends and it is great for the time being but when I get home again I still think about her from time to time. Well everything happens for a reason and we must be strong and stay strong... hang in there! hope you slept well.
  • a.t.: Yea I wish I could reset mine too. And i really don’t want to stay on my mind for too long. And I don’t want it to affect my sub-conscious as I need it to digest with positivity about myself.
    And when I do think Bout them, will constantly read. Things that can keep me busy.
    Was at the gym earlier and sweat it all out. Been doing it 5 times a week. Was out last weekend 2 nights in row. Meeting new people n regain my confident back. But it was heavy nights of drinks. Not a good idea when u do it too much. Cos when it comes to Sunday, it will drown you due to the recovery. Better control myself so will bring in more positive energy. Been downloading on apps for Mandarin audio too. Maybe will help in learning a new languAge. I guess if we always on a quest to embark on what interest you. It will fade and as you go, you will start to appreciate yourself.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Same here, i sport for 3,4 times a week and i went out all weekend on Jack Daniels Cola. Gave me a huge boost but as you say your Sunday is a bit harder because of the recovery. Well i had a nice weekend and we life on to the next untill they are out of our system...
    I wanted to start a new language also but haven’t done it yet, maybe I will start Spanish soon. Which language do you want to start?
  • Tim: Thanks, guys. If you have Sirius satellite radio, listing to book radio channel 80. That’s what I stick with every day in my car.
    The family thing I did this weekend consisted of me going to my brothers and his widest house. My parents were there too. No opening up to the brother and his spouse about my issue. They know about it and probably figure I’m ok with it, or even initiated it. Pretty funny eh? Me the most broken hearted I’ve been and Afro.g all happy with the split she really wanted. Anyway, she is a licensed trainer, with a full gym in her basment and said I come come by for some free help or whatever. I’m not heavy, but need to stretch and tone. That was very human of her to offer, as my sister in-law and I can be like blood sibilings and argue sometimes. Oh, and I got a verbal lashing, out of caring, from the friend who owns the boat. It was me never learning to be happy with me, and about not being around for two years while I was seeing my ex. So yes, no sad songs ever...
  • a.t.: Starting is one thing but practicing it’s another. If you have someone to prActice with will be easier. I be picking up on mandarin course, to read n write n speak. In time, this will be important if I wanna pursue a career in china. Of course you can do your programme there for 6 months in an university. It’s affordable. As opposed to your Spanish class. Not sure if Spain offers that. Or you could do a private one in your area.
  • Tim: Sorry for constant typos. I do this from my phone and sometimes it picks out some weird words to insert. I meant I has acting all happy at my brothers house. Just a real nice house. Not WIDE. lol. I think Spanish would be a good language to learn also. That riders stone is supposed to be good but I really can afford it right now. Oh and yes, that drinking thing really messes me up the next day too. Thus the breakdown Sunday morning. Had to walk away from my friends dir a bit to regain my composure.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Yeh I will start with the one for dummies anyway and then go on for advanced. Sundays are the worst so you can better plan it with some friends instead. Anyway the memories always popup when I either go to bed or when I wake up. This will fade with time and everything gets better it just took alot of time for me. Just keep your head up and there are better times ahead...
  • Tim: Hey guys, hope you are doing well.
    What is bothering me is that I can have a couple beers, be fine, actually be thinking that she did me a favor by leaving, and then wake up the next morning exactly where I started with the depression and worry. Probably doesn’t help that I’m waiting for a tow, car broke down and ill be missing work now. I actually know she was no good for me, but I feel so lost and alone. We just packed a lot of experiences into 2 years. More then my long marriage. Yesterday was great. Talked to a cute bar maid. I wasn’t completely hammered or anything, but feeling good overall. You guys ever take any meds temporarily to get through your heartaches?
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Yes I have the same, weekends are great but not when it ends! then you are somehow pushed back a bit and think back about the time with that person but it will get better with time for sure. I still didnt reach out to her but I am not sure if I will. I know I was better for her then she could give me in return. Thats why she broke up with me because I gave to much love to her....
    I never took meds for heartaches but I know a friend took them and his emotions got to a flat level and I saw him changing. It is just surpressing your feelings. But not only the sad feelings will be surpressed but also the good feelings and thus you get a bit carless about alot of things in life. He stopped with it after like 6 months and now he is crawling back out of it and enjoying other things also. So I will help you but it will also have some negative side effects and thus I would not take it.
  • Tim: Thanks, Thorns.
    I do know a person who is on anti-anxiety-depression meds, she actually just told me and said that’s why she is sometimes a bit emotionless. She said she is not crazy or anything, it just keeps her on an even keel. I don’t think that i would take those either. I appreciate your advice. I don’t want to feel not happy either from meds that zone me out.
    What you said about your ex, about how she left because you gave too much love you think. That really has me wondering if my situation was the same, and that its possible to overwhelm someone with that. My ex always said that she has never know anyone who did as much for her, was always there for her and overall treated her so well. She had some abusive relationships. Thinking back, she would get moody and I would just accept that and not judge her. Maybe I put up with too much. Maybe she could not respect that? I got over a long term marriage ending, and I know Ill survive this, but the pain seems so much worse somehow. So intense....
  • Tim: Oh, and that reaching out thing that you haven’t done, and don’t know if you are going to do. Well with my situation, I figure that she left me, I was mature with the break even though I was dying inside, so i just think that if she has regrets later and calls I’ll listen but I don’t know what I’ll say. Plus, she won’t anyway. If I happen to actually be with someone I like I probably wouldn’t. I’ll admit, if she did it now I’d go right back to her because I’m weak now and still missing her.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Well I will not take her back right away, even if I still feel deeply for her. Just because I know how much she did hurt me, the harder a person can hurt you the more you give about this person. I would take it very slowly and I want a good conversation with her before we would try anything. I am not going to rush it as it will only fail like that. First talk everything out which is in your mind, both should be honest and sincere to eachother and in a mature way.... only then I would give it a second chance. But I don’t think she will see that option anyway.
  • Tim: Yes! That is exactly what I would do. But I really hold out no hope for that. She just will just jump to another if this new guy she is with turns out to be a foul fellow. She is very prideful, and would never admit the wrongs she committed. I’ll admit, that if she bought the house she wants, was not seeing anyone and called me back out of loneliness, I would entertain a few meetings or talks if only to help build myself back up. She would have to come back with a full admittance of her wrongs and basically beg me for another chance together, which as I said, will never happen. We had our great times, our bad, and right now I would lower myself just to see her. Yes, I am a very vulnerable man right now.... But like you, in time I won’t be in such a state of mind. It’s been longer for you and you are thinking clearly. I, however, am not to that point yet. The wound is still bleeding and will either fester and infect, or heal. I am hoping for a heal with minimal scarring.
  • a.t.: it’s never certain how the outcome would be. I won’t count for mine and so do you. Whatever its happening right now will not bring back the past. We need to be the new us. It doesn’t matter how much we are guessing about them would make us any better cos it’s already happened. It doesn’t matter anymore. Best to let go as much and open a lil room for your own happiness. Is tiring guessing, hating or loving someone that does not deserve to sulk for their doings. My blessings to their happiness too.
  • Mayforce: Pride and Love, which one you go for?
    I felt I should leave so I initially brought the BU talk with him to save my pride. But I am still not happy.. after a year, still missing him. I talk about this with some friends and I am encouraged to tell him my feeling, I miss him and still love him. Doing this need to put my pride aside.
    Is it wasting time? What do you choose? Pls share~
  • Johnny Nicks:

    Why don’t we usually have the courage to be imperfect. Willing to let go of who we believe we should be. Have the compassion to be kind to ourselves first, and then repackage our gift of kindness and compassion and give it to others. Make a connection to them through being our’ authenitc selves’ Embrace our vulnerability. Believe that our vulnerability, although possibly potentially painful, is an attribute, makes us beautiful. Be willing to take the risk of saying “I love you!” first, where there are no guarantees that we will hear it back. Put down our shields of ‘Contol’ and prediction. ‘Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love. Dont numb vulnerability, we live in a vulnerable world, you cannot selectively numb emotion, we numb joy, gratitidute, happiness, and then we are miserable and looking for purpose and meaning and then feel....vulnerable! We try to make everything that is undertain, certain, and blame others to discharge OUR pain and discomfort. We perfect. We perfect our children.Our job is not to say they are perfect, but only they worth of love and belonging. We pretend. Let yourself be seen, to love with your whole heart, to practice gratitude and joy. To be grateful. To believe that you are enough. 

  • Tim: I wouldn’t go back if you initiated the break and are now just lonely. Don’t mess with his heart that way. If you do truly love him and could admit it was a mistake, then like thorns said, a real talk about the issues and take it very slowly.
  • Mayforce: I felt he wanted me to do that so he felt less guilty. He just refused my approach and said I look like frog with my sun glasses when I asked him for a kiss before I got off the tram. Even it’s me who initially did that talk. I felt it was his plan forcing me to say that. Was it my fault? I just felt alright, I set you free because I love you so I gave you what you wanted.
  • Mayforce: regarding Johnny’s post, Jonny, I like your posts, perhaps wise words from mature person, his experiences.
    I know hard to find a perfect as there is rare perfect thing.
    Most are imperfect and that’s why we’ve got the chance to put effort to make it better. The thing is about hard to give up after put so much effort and hard to give up what you believe. Since time and live never live twice. Keep moving on the new one like taking those trains.. you can’t remember those platforms and the carriages.. It is like you have sex with many ppl then you hardly have special feeling or be turned on by anyone next time.
    Some people can handle the memories with many but some only can handle one or two. Everyone has his limit. Hard to judge or suggest, perhaps we just need more courage and support and understanding. (not sure what I am saying but these words are from my heart at this moment, 4amish)
  • Tim: Sorry. Do not mean to come off judging of the situation I know nothing about. I’d say reach out gently but not desperate if you want him back. I just don’t know the dynamics of the the issue. My apologies if I came off in a bad way.
  • Mayforce: Hi, Tim, accept your apology and nice to know you tried to pay some understanding. I know you didn’t mean it but why I might sound emtional in my previous reply was I felt I was the one who got hurt and was forced to do that. I saw that on his body language but he didn’t say it, torturing us. I would rather be the hard one to do that talk. Surely I wish to make it work and still love him. He was waiting me to leave him. That was how I felt. I couldn’t bear seeing him unhappy and seeing our love dying till ash or sourer.
  • Tim: Thanks. You are stronger than I because I felt it coming with my situation but did not initiate it. I am sorry about your situation but am going though my own and am not thinking straight at the moment. The guys I talk to here are pretty wise and have helped me tremendously. Good place to get another point of view and get advice. I’ll be whining here often and always get sound and compassionate advice.
  • Mayforce: I was just strong enough to do that for him and managed to back to my family. I couldn’t take plane alone when I left and managed to got my friend from Geneva to London then from London to Taiwan. Otherwise, I didn’t know what I would do on the plane, a miserable crying asian girl to scare other passengers? I wish you all the good luck. And in fact, I am going to post something to my ex since he told me he got injured. I know it looks silly with what I try to do.. but if our love is strong enough, it will lead us back together; if not, I want to do this to some one I stayed with for 6yrs and truly love and still love. I still care him so let’s show it, better than missing him here alone.
    As you said, this is a good place for broken hearts because there are many nice helpers. I’ve also been to other relationship forums but here, there are more varieties with ppl’s background and age. I wish you find better way to handle your situation and managed to stay with your beloved after.
    x
  • Tim: Hey all. I had a question. As you probably read in earlier posts of mine, I’m a wreck, but acknowledged that it was a one sided relationship. I gave all and put up with some moody behavior. One thing, maybe this was for the best long term, but I still miss the connection. Is it helpful to realize the negatives of her, the odd behaviors to help the healing and recover?
  • Tim: Ok, it finally happened. THE DREAM. Shocked me awake to a panicked state. We were snuggled on couch not talking, me feeling the pain lifted. Then I was in the basement, seeing she had moved more things out. Then outside in an ocean shore with rocks and sand looking for her. There she lay on the couch sleepily. I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She was hesitant, in deep thought and the pain returned. I awoke. I know what I am doing. I am letting her define me and decide whether I am happy or sad. I am working on this. It was just so real, and my first remembered dream of her. Only three weeks into this.... Still so fresh.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: yes i also tried to just think about all her bad behaviors and negativities and I think it helped in a way. I didnt see some of those negative things back then because i was head over heels about her but now when i look back i also gave way too much love to her. I think they took it for granted and they felt they didnt need to work for your love and thus it got normal for them every day. Love is a thing of pushing and pulling, if this aint in a balance then the disturbance will kill the relationship sooner or later. If you see that you are giving to much love to a person then you should actually step a bit back and then they will see the difference and they need to show love back. I was blinded by love so i didnt see it back then but now we know what has led to the breakup. Learn from the past and use that experience to create a better future.
  • Tim: Yes. It is easy to see now. Thanks. But like a drug that you can’t go without, you invest more and more into it, being afraid to lose it. She just lost all respect for me because I gave too much. I was happy and confident but put up with to much. Thanks for the response, the journal continues. Maybe someone will read this someday and take something from our experiences.
  • Mayforce: guys... I am doing a letter to my ex... I have no idea if he missed or not.. Apparently, he has been doing lots of fun things to enjoy his life... everything, travel, plan, go out, dating website, meeting girls... pretty moving on.. but .. i do it for myself... even it is one-side or hopeless.... i do it for myself... wish something delighted on my way....
  • Tim: Hey there May. This sucks I know. How long has it been since the break? Write the letter, but maybe wait a day or so to think about it, read what you wrote. It’s therapy for yourself to write it. But hang onto it for a day or so until you really know it should be sent. I know exactly how you feel, but I am staying no contact for now. And another emotional breakdown of sorts for me today. But mine is still too early to reach out. Good luck either way. We are always here for you.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: How are all of you doing lately? any progress made sofar? I am pretty sucked up at the moment. Want to reach out to see if i can open the door and then reach out to her like once a week and nothing more for the time being. Just want to show that the door is open and see if her relationship would show cracks but i am not counting on that. Although i will never know if i let the door open a bit. Well maybe she does not want any open lines anymore and then i definetly know that i should move on...
  • Mayforce: Thoms, I wish you good luck. (Bonne courage!)
  • Mayforce: Tim, thanks for your concern. It’s been 12.5 months since BU.... I know it’s long but it’s almost my first true relationship. Before I never had any relationship over 6months... Anyway,if u knew my story, go to my profile and you can find my posts.....my ex is on holiday with his family and his parents’ god-daughter family.... whom I think/feel a thorn in our relationship. My ex knows her since she’s born and he calls her his best female friend LOL Despite of the distance, culture...and plus her, it’s too much for me to fight for this love if his heart were not strong enough to be my side. Anyway, I am a bit tired now. See you when I see you~
  • a.t.: @ thorns,
    Few things you have to ask yourself truthfully,
    given 6months has passed. Do you feel your ready without any expectation & whatever the outcome is gonna take, for you to contact her again?
    I mean, most of the article always mentioned about wait for her to contact you instead. Did you thought about that by standing firmly?
    Or somehow somewhere deep down inside you have not let go completely tho you been active moving in your own. Cos it does happen, it’s one of those days, all this things will just flush at you again.
    All I’m saying is do you think 6 months is a good time for you to make the first initiation?
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: I know it is really hard to say.
    I think I might reach out this weekend so I have still a few days to reach out. Well her new relationship is 2 months old and I either want to see how it develops to see if there are cracks or if it is going very well.
    If it shows cracks then I will talk to her from time to time like once a week or once in 2 weeks. If it goes well then I atleast opened the door and I will not contact her that often but she knows she can reach out to me instead. Last time I said I can’t be friends so I have to wish you the best and wish you all the luck and love in your relationship.
    If it goes pretty well then I hope I can just let it go as the honeymoonstage has passed and he succeeded. Somehow I either want to know if it shows cracks and I can slowly work on the communication or I want to let go. I did heal in a way that my nights are pretty good and I enjoy my time without her as for weekends also. She is still in my heart and thats why I would reach out,if she had left my heart I wouldnt even care anymore.
    You know, if it does hurt me then at least I tried. Sometimes you need to take a risk. Love itself is a risk anyway...
    The first contact would be short anyway just to see how she would react to me and if she would react at all. It will be my last shot anyway. And I will not bring anything up about the past, I know she has vacation now and I will just ask how she is doing and about her vacation... think I will know more in the way she would react.
    I know it might not be smart and the chance is I could get hurt but I think it would only hurt for a short period of time and then I can heal for good whatever outcome.
  • a.t.: I would thought 2 months is still fresh for her honeymoon stage. It gets shaky when it hit the 3rd or 4th month cos that’s when you get to see the compatibility signs. Then again it depends how individual deals with it.
    For me, it be on my birthday early next year. If she happen to text in kind. Otherwise I will take it she has move on completely. A benchmark I would set for myself doing perfectly fine with or without her. Least I know the things I’m working on at the moment is for myself to fully improve and a fresh start with a new chapter.
    You have few days to make the call, so best of luck to you man. Expect less & deserve more.
  • Tim: Good luck, May.....
    @ Thorns:
    Ups and downs. Major breakdown Monday due to lack of sleep at the fact that S. Texted me Sunday night to say she would be coming over. No mention that it was to move more of her thinks. Yep, I know that subconsciously I wondering if it was to talk about us. Nope it was not. I was usual upbeat fake me, but she basically cut me off in mid-sentence, said I am keeping her from moving stuff, so I went to bed but not to sleep. Couldn’t get any I was so freaked out. Monday was worse with bad and panicked thoughts. Early to sleep Monday night and today I’m am much better. I know she needs to do one massive move so I never again have to see her, but she is just so lovely, so hot, it just messes with my brain when I see her. I did one wrong thing when I saw here that Sunday night. I asked if her new guy gets upset that she comes by here to get stuff. Big mistake on my part. She just praised him, said he is not like that, not jealous. He may get words wrong when he speaks but no, not jealous type. So I am guessing rather uneducated. So no, didn’t my self esteem one bit. However, today I am better. If just not breaking down can be considered better. But thorns, I know I will never ever reach out to her. Not in a year. Once her things are out, I am deleting her number. All things are different, but she will just jump to another when done with this guy.. Your ex is probably much different than my ex and deserves further consideration.
  • Johnny Nicks: 2 months is a bit short. You need to wait min or 3-6 months for the conflict stage. But it really depends on which theory or relationships you believe in. e.g. Freudian, exchange theory or persona theory?
    [b]Exchange Theory[/b]
    We evaluate our self image and sense or worth and find someone of similar worth. This tends not to work so well if we dont have a very accurate view of who we really are!
    We find people for us with similarities to us (personality traits, looks for looks,money for money, etc.)
    People will exchange or barter to make up in areas (ie my looks for your money).
    This is why it is not uncommon to see people getting married that look like brother or sister, or are very similar personalitywise.
    [b]Persona Theory[/b]
    This maintains an important factor in mate selection is the way a potential suitor enhances our self-esteem. Each of us has a mask, a persona, which is the face that we want to show to other people. The persona theory suggests that we select a mate who will enhance this self-image. Again, this is problematical if our self-image is inaccurate.
    Maybe their masks have slipped a bit and you may be lucky :)
  • Tim: I had an ex call back who dumped me after a year. That was twenty some years ago, and I treated her poorly so she dumped me for another. She got dumped and called me a year later out of desperation, but was already with someone else. Just for reference, my ex and I showed cracks after a year, but she waited for 2 years to dump me. And not for her ex. For a new guy.
  • Tim: Sorry, its most difficult to type on this phone.
    To clarify, she dumped me, called me back a year later, but I involved by then with another.
    And, the woman who just dumped me weeks ago, well she dumped her ex, still had feelings for him, but finally dumped me after 2 years together with many cracks in our own relationship, but not for her old ex, but for a new guy. That’s why I hold out no hope, and will delete her number when I longer have a need to tell her to get ALL her things out of my house.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ a.t @ Johnny Nicks
    Well you 2 are right about the 2 months are not sufficient for the first cracks or flaws to come up. But what i’ve been reading is that you should open the door a slight bit before that scenario happens? so she can actually open that door to me? As I think she would not open the door because I told her I can’t be friends with her now and I don’t know what the future holds and ended the conversation with I wish you all the best, love and luck in your new relationship and she said that was really nice from me and thanked me for that and we said goodbye in the texting msg. Would she think I closed the door for good?
    There are just alot of website with info and I know every situation is unique so it is hard to say what is best so it is a bit confusing.
    Maybe I can wait one more month until I had my Euro trip through 8 capital cities and have some more to tell and see how the conversation goes.
    Not sure what type of relationship,.. can it be combined? :P
    Some kind of education and a level of conversations is important and she should be able to earn her own money just like i do. As for looks and stuff. Well if I am attracted to her then I am attracted to her, not clearly a type I prefer (blond, black, brunette) Could be any, but she touched my heart with her eyes and smile. I also appreciate it if she has the same humor type or at least understand my kind of humor and she did. We laughed alot and thats very important for me.. I still can’t understand it did break though. Well I couldnt get mad at her so probably she thought she could get a better guy just because I was not showing alot of Alpha male. I rather divide it and we both have an equal share in opinion decisions etcetera... but she sometimes tested me to get me mad and I didnt fall for those tricks which probably upset her instead... As for perona if we share some personalities and understand eachother then I feel comfortable around her and thats what I did of course, Not sure if that was vice versa because I lacked that Alpha thingy and I should have made some conflicts so they can release their steam also... sometimes a relationship needs that I guess ;) in a proper and mature way of course!
    decisions decisions... you give me some extra thoughts :p How long I should wait for those conflicts to arise.... I know she speeded up everything with this guy. Their intimicy went so fast, living together after 1 month...
    I am just not sure if I should say a short hello how are you, I am doing real great and see where it goes.. And leave it after that like I moved on instead but was just curious about how she is doing?\
    @ Tim
    Sorry to hear about your experiences about relationships man. If you experience them a couple of times then you will see alot in black & white and will judge them faster then necessary I guess. My previous ex wanted me also back but I didnt want her back! she said if I turn 30 I want you on my side okay? And I was like,... Errrrr yeah right,... you think I am going to be your safety net? She knows I am a real good guy but I am not going to wait for someone like that also...
    What I did with her contact information is put it on a note and put it away somewhere so I am not able to contact her whenever I want. Of course I know where I put it but then I can have a clear thought before I do it. I think it really depends on how things evolved after the breakup and how they did treat you. Most cases are a bit cold and they act short in their responses and so did mine although she tried to stay nice but I think she acted cold to show it is over as she is with this new guy. I would probably do the same to not give my ex hope as I am in love with this new girl... Only time will tell and thats pretty hard, time is not always your friend but I should not make it my enemy! :P
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: errr poor english from time to time! I should re-read my responses a bit more before posting! can’t change it here ;) anyway I am off to the gym now and hit the barbs! be back later.
  • a.t.: One month moving in with the new guy is fairly new. If your thinking that’s a fast progression, my ex moved in with another guy instantly while I’m away a shortwhile. Sending me a break up SMS with invalid reasons. Did I see that coming? Nope. She even did mentioned she be happy if we could still be friend’s via a text. For sure it wasn’t a good idea for her ways of handling things immaturely. It’s been a month and am doing better and been thinking a lot more straight. Did sent her a reconciliation text with wishing her happiness with all my heart, only when she decides to call In future. Now as I’m healing, I’m not sure anymore about reconcile. She did it twice and third time before she dumped her ex while she was seeing me. Accepting her again is like slicing my wound on the same spot. It’s not fair for my happiness.
    you mentioned your not gonna contact her for ‘now’. She’s clear that your hurt and would respect that too same time she could be or may not happy with her current time. If you feel strong that this will be the key to your door that move on, by all means. We can’t fight fate, let the stream flow.
  • Tim: Tough times for all. Still not quite a months time for me. Several major breakdowns for me, but usually when I have not slept well. Thinking about it now, yea we had great times, but bad too. I have come to grips with the fact that I just don’t want to be alone. My memories of her will fade with time, but the alone time and lack of routine is difficult for me. She is gone, that’s done, but the living alone part, that I need to cope with. I do sound black and white I suppose, and I know that situations are not always alike. Thinking she may text someday gives hope, but first need to live, and be alone. Just friends and family. No more hand holding in the park..
  • Tim: @ Thorns
    Yea, i see your ex probably had more to offer intellectually than mine. I was a fool and should have not even gone there. But I didn’t care, I went for the stunning looks and figured I had an edge over the competition with more smarts tan her normal type of guys she dated. Nope. Not at all, she is with a kid who makes low wage and no education. And as far as the alpha male think, yep same here. I never challenged her. I’m not physically weak, don’t take harassment from anyone. But with her, I was an emotional weakling.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ a.t.
    One month is also fast to move in with someone if you ask me,.. but your ex even moved faster in.
    Remember the faster they advance in their new relationship the higher the chance for failure. They just don’t see that now in their honeymoonstage. Everything seems new and mysterious and they accept every bit of mud in their new relationship. But those issues will arise after 3 or 4 months... just keep your distance now and don’t act like a friend as she asked. She wants you to be the safety net like that... Keeping your distance and not acting like a friend has way more effect. Just improve yourself and evolve,.. heal from her and your heart! And only then we should make a decision if we want to keep them in our future!
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Tim
    I know what you mean with the living alone part. I exactly had the same, but before her i were living alone for 3 years and I was happy! So I should be able to be happy again, just the feeling of someone close to you and sleeping near you gives comfort and a happy face! This just takes time because it is still fresh when it feels like yesterday. When you start to accept the situation you will start feeling better, start healing and make visible progress.
    The fact she is with this low wage and no education tells me more about she like the bad guys? she is an adventures and seeks bad attention to make the relationship exiting. Sometimes a breakup is needed to harden up yourself because I also was too emotional and did not press back when needed. Next time I will not make that same mistake and I have learned from it, I don’t think it will bring her back but even then it is experience you take into any future relationship.
  • Tim: @ Thorns
    Thanks, it helps to hear from others who have been there with the living alone. I jumped too quickly to fill the void with moving her in. Went from 17 years living as a family, wife and child, divorced her she moved out, my brother moved in for a while to get away from his marital problems. I met S while he still lived there and she slept over most nights. my bro made up with his wife and S moved in. So really, I never had to be alone after marriage ended. Now, 2 years later I am finally facing what I should have back then. I am on an emotional coaster, happy thismorning thinking how lucky I am, three bedroom home on a cul-de-sac in quiet neighborhood. A job when many of my friends are unemployed due to economy, my plans to redecorate and clean it up. Then an hour later, an immense sense of loss and loneliness. It’s fresh, and I think less about her, but now its the empty, not part of a couple thing that’s bringing me down. Thanks my man, I think your assessment of her is correct.
    As a kid, I was a loner, ha, now look at me.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Exactly what you should do. Look at all the good things you have instead of looking at the things we don’t have. I know it is human, people always look what they don’t have but they forget to be happy about what they actually posses. And that’s why they say,.. you truly know how much value something has when it is gone. People do not appreciate things enough which they do have and they take those things for granted. The thing is,... we lost them and we valued them a lot. They also lost us and we should not forget to value our self! You know you posses a lot of good abilities/points but she values other things which are not good in our eyes. If she wants to be happy about things we do not value then maybe there was a mismatch after all and we should seek someone with the same interest/values.
  • Tim: You are so right my friend. Thanks. Strange how I know things, know what’s right and how to feel, but can’t seem to take my own advice. I am already dreading the holidays coming. Waking up alone Christmas morning. I know, I won’t feel as bad by then. Yep, I’m a bit off these days. But better then when it started. Like you said, it will get better, some setbacks, then more progress. I got over my ex wife, the sight of her with her new man and my daughter together doesn’t even affect me in the least. So I know ill get over this.... Thanks again all!
  • Johnny Nicks: Tim
    "Waking up alone Christmas morning." Well surely this is your choice. There are hundreds of internet dating sites out there, will millions of women on them :)
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: I know how hard it is. I also know what I should do and what I should avoid. But it is somehow better if someone else gives you advice even if you know that advice. Maybe it is because other people confirm that you should do or think in a way to make yourself more positive. I also think about that,.. waking up at Christmas or at her birthday and somehow it feels like loneliness. But in fact you are creating your own negative thoughts. It is all between the ears and there are enough single woman out there who can share the love with you and there is a bigger chance for a better relationship. The road is bumpy and rough but it will get better yes!
  • Mayforce: Hi, Tim and Thoms,
    I wanna let you know. I’ve started feeling I am attractive again recently after I’ve been doing things I like and I want to... Even though I put on weight again but I start thinking of myself... and yes, I still would think of him when I am in shops, I see things for men, I would have a feeling like I could get them for him like later I will see him at home as when we were together.. It is weird feeling and it makes me feel so sad when I arrive home and seeing myself all alone. But I know he didn’t appreciate me and I tell myself I wouldn’t want to go back to this person as I left. it’s not worthy and that’s why I made decision last year to leave him. Even though I haven’t found new spark on anyone. But I am trying to find my spark back.
    I will write to him what stuff he needn’t send back to me and my friend will hand over those stuff. Maybe it will surprise him that I want to cut off the last link btw us. But, I did my best while we were together even I did make mistakes as well but I didn’t treat him like **** or hurt his confidence. I still thought of him and followed him even he did them for himself. Anyway... the time start spreading its magic on me.... I’ve started thinking of how to make all my dreams come true in the rest of my life. =) Hope to tell you more positive things after...
  • kitty_pryde: you’re right about the dumper/dumpee POV, most probably it’s nota rebound relationship for the dumper. In my case, I had an inkiling he was going to dump me 3 months prior because he was shamelessly flirting with another girl on his Facebook wall.
  • Tim: Hey all, just checking in to see how everyone is doing. Had no phone for a week. Rarely use my home computer.
  • Mayforce: Hi, the laptop is sent to fix so no laptop to use at home. Feel more back to real life w/o laptop. I know I am heavy internet user. And had felt it’s one of the issues in my relationship, my ex and I both.
    That’s how we lost our communication and time with each other. well well, miss him but also feel we both are so far away and on the different path... can’t see how to make our paths cross again.
    we can stay fine without each other... but I don’t want to have family with other ppl so far. But .. but don’t know how to make plan to be with him... I don’t know. just sort out the money and things.. then no more things to talk to each other....
    I know if i had tried to get his help to stay in the same city with him. We might have back together... but I am in Asia and he’s in Europe... how how how....chance only comes once.. if you missed it, don’t expect there’ll be another chance...
    time never waits, life never waits, love never waits....
  • BrokenB: mayforce..Sometimes your first chance isnt your ONLY chance.
    Time and life may never wait BUT love never dies. It conquers all.
    If you two are meant to cross paths it will happen and chances are it will happen without you making it happen and when you least expect it.
    Never say NEVER cause ANYTHING can happen.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Thats not always true Mayforce but the thing is you don’t want to stare yourself blind to 1 outcome and you are trying to see the outcome of the negative path because you also want to protect yourself for being hurt twice.
    I know the chances are not in your favor and you should first focus on yourself because you will only get a second chance "with him or someone else" if you are healed and you are happy with yourself.
    Time never waits but you can use time for your advantage to improve life and with that true love never dies! :)
  • Igor: My ex girlfriend is in a rebound relationship,at least I HOPE.LOL Anyway,we’ve stayed "friends" throughout this whole ordeal,even though she has the new man in her life. I’m trying to follow most of the advice given above,but,some days it’s hard to keep from blowing up! So far,my mistakes have been corrected. Strangely,when we now have disagreements,our talks are calmer,more productive than when we were together.I think I’m making progress,albeit slow progress. We talk almost everyday,and see each other at least once a week.I hate to say this,but,as of 3 months into her new relationship,she cheated on him with me. She has continued to cheat on him,both physically and emotionally for the last 3 months. I don’t know if i should take that to meant that she is building a bridge to me for when she decides to break with this guy,or,is just using me to fill those needs this guy can’t. I know she’s not too happy with him,but,there is nothing I can do but stay the course,be there for her,and,stay true to myself. I just hope this ends soon,because the stress of it is KILLING me.Anyway,thanks for the article!
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Igor.
    Hard situation you have there but don’t you think she can cheat in your relationship as well? Won’t you question her and tell her that this isn’t the good way you 2 get along? Maybe she eats both cakes and you are just there for the pleasure on the sideline? I know you have true feelings for her but because of that she can have those things which she lacks in her relationship now as well. This could keep her longer in that relationship because she gets satisfied eventually and then goes back to this guy. Do not get dragged in and pushed away in the end, hope you will find out what is best for you.
  • Tim: @ Igor:
    I’ll have to agree with Thorns. Being available to her like you are is just prolonging your agony, and may have the effect of causing her to lack respect for you as wellcontact rule is best. Best for your healing, and will have the additional effect of letting her know that you won’t tolerate being treated this way. Easy words to say, I know. It does give relief, I know, but it also let’s her know you will tolerate her behavior and ultimately will lessen her opinion of you in the long run. People can change when they realize what they have lost, change their view of relationships. However, by allowing her to cycle between the both of you, she most likely won’t have that sort of growth. Good luck to you, stay strong.
  • Tim: Sorry, Igor. I meant No Contact. You deserve better.
  • Igor: Thanks for the responses. I think you guys are right. She’s obviously not happy with this guy,but,I DO get the feeling if i wasn’t around til now,this relationship with this guy would have been over by now. YET,she WON’T break up with him regardless of what I do. She’s in dire financial shape. This guy has a good job,making money. She can easily block out all the guys bad parts just she can get his money. I,unfortunately,am in a tough financial situation. I know from her past behaviour with me,that,when I helped her financially,plus,when she herself was doing well financially,our relationship was STRONG. Right now,she’s willing to forgo her happiness for some sense of financial security. Look,I don’t know if this has anything to do with Eastern European women,but,for sure,I know most women here seek financial security above all else. I don’t think American women would do that,but,I could be wrong. For now,I’m just breaking contact.I’m emotionally EXHAUSTED from all this. Give her a few days,weeks,whatever to think how life is without me. Wish me luck,and,MUCH thanks for the advice.
  • Tim: Igor, it may take quite awhile, months or longer. You may come to realize that you are too good for her. Very difficult phase to go through. Going through it now myself. Oh, and on the issue of women and money, I’m from the States and can say from experience that it can be the same here with women. Some years back when I was married, my then wife wanted more money, bigger house and all the rest like her girlfriends had. Those were two income families, but in our home I was the sole provider. She decided an affair would make her happy instead, with a married man no less. Not all women are like that I know, but there are no geographical boundaries to that sort of behavior.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Igor,
    Very hard when people are bound because of financial issues. And yes this is also an indication she isn’t happy with him about love but just for the security she has right now. Best is indeed to go no contact so you will let her see that you are not playing games and are not just there for her when she wants it. Turn the tables of power and keep your dignity and self-esteem. If she really loves you then she will miss you because you are not around anymore and it is a test if she will put money above you.... If she reach out to you then do not react right away and if you react eventually then treat her like a co-worker so in a calm but friendly way. Keep the conversations short and let her reach out to you and not the other way round. She knows the door is open but you are not waiting for her! thats the best you can do now :) heal your heart, get out of that emotional roller coaster and only then you are ready for a new relationship with or without her.
  • Tim: @ Thorns:
    Has anything changed with your situation? Still no contact?
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Yes I am still keeping No Contact up... I still think back about her a lot lately because I am curious what she is up to. But it is better for myself to leave her alone since she is with this new guy and this is not the time for me to contact her to figure things out. It is still to early to see what is happening although I want her back I wish this feeling was gone and I could just move on... It is just not a switch you can trigger like a light switch. Someone touches your heart or not... it just happens.
  • Tim: It is hard. I also think about my ex daily. Mornings are the hardest. Still no contact for me as well. One and one half months, still hurts. I am still hoping for a future with someone I have yet to meet. Until that happens, I’ll just work on self improvement.
  • Igor: This is a sad situation,but,when I think about it,it’s FUNNY,at least in my situation. She chose someone TOTALLY opposite of me,and,it’s come to bite her on the ****. Near the end,she was never big on communication,but,with this guy,who BARELY communicates,she’s missing communication,along with laughter,freedom,etc.LOL Karma can be a **** at times,no?
  • a.t.: Somehow it is best to forgive and let go not only for love but also at life in general. It be easier to move and achieve for your own good. I’ve reach a substantial amount of pain since she left and it got me figured, all this negative vibe can’t stay for good and if we constantly on the same chapter, we willl never be able to move on. Definitely it’s hard to just erase her off memory. And each time she appears in mind, I will whisper myself repeatedly,’I am completely free from this habit; harmony and peace of mind reign supreme’. Before I sleep and the first thing I’m up in the morning. It did the trick on me and a well work lullaby to put me to sleep too. A reminder to myself to march forward positively. If she comes back or not, I wouldn’t wanna think about it, most importantly is to start learning how to love yourself and be BETTER.
  • qTim: What the hell is the matter with me? Why do I think about us now? Messed up girl, and I’m back again to memory lane...
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: not just with you tim, it is quite normal. I have the same from time to time but it will get better! Only time will tell and eventually you will either move on with or without her! Some day we will accept the situation as it might sound hard right now it will come :)
  • Tim: Thanks, Thorns. I was just having these feelings that I wish I had never met her. I was over the pain of my divorce and feeling good, just seeing some women causally that I knew I would never get serious with. Then I met Stacy, and let everyone go, even my friends. But now I know that even though this hurts now, I have learned a valuable lessen of what and what not to do in the future with my heart. I saw problems from the beginning with Stacy, but stayed anyway. I won’t ever do that again.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: same here but then again even breakups are positive because you will learn about the mistakes and you wouldn’t improve yourself if you didn’t met each other at all. the same happened with me,.. i knew about the problems also but love made me blind and i continued the relationship without evolving and that is why she broke up with me eventually. But we were both guilty because we did not talk about it with each other and let the relationship bleed to dead.
  • Tim: Yes, we are on the same page my friend. I have been walking a lot. 10 mile walks but not were we used to. I get to feeling so well, glad that she ended it. Now I can be available for someone in the future. Then I have huge setbacks. Like thismorning. It’s almost 9 AM here in Michigan, and I took a vacation day today. Just down again. In my head I know it will get better, but the heart just can’t catch up with the facts....
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: We want it to be over asap but thinking like that will just not work. Accept that it will take time to heal over it and accept the good memories and the relationship is gone. We have been happy without them so we can be happy again... We will see what the future has in store for us!
  • Tim: Yep, it will be some time. Not even 2 months yet, so still new. All morning I have thought about that. I’m not a kid, and know how these things work, but your positive and logical thoughts do help, and for that I thank you!
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: I know, and I also know what to do but it is easier to help others then helping yourself. Somehow if someone tells you what you already know has more impact... I have to wait 1 more month, and just to find out she is still with this guy probably. But I will just wish her a happy birthday and stay mature. Eventually I think I will just have to move on and find/meet someone else.
  • Tim: Agreed. The birthday greeting lets here know the door is still open, and that you have not forgotten her. I may do that someday, but not for a long time. You and I are better than ones who have to beg. Just a kind gesture of remembering her birthday and nothing more. Maybe the door is closed, but not locked. Maybe she will reply with a thank you, or not at all. Either way, you will make that gesture and see what happens.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Well I still wrote her a hand written letter which was my mistake and maybe she would see that as begging but i never said Please come back we can work things out. Only said I will remember the good memories we have and mentioned what I liked about her and that we shall see what the future brings but I still pushed her away with that. Well it happened and I will not regret it, the letter was not emotional and was clear and a good read for her and she thanked me for the nice letter. I think she will reply but just a short and cold one I guess.
  • Tim: I did the same many years ago with a woman who left. Exactly like the one you wrote. She responded a year later after her man left her. But was with someone else by then. The letter you wrote was a sign or showing her how you cared, and cherished her good qualities. Not a mistake at all.
  • Tim: Sorry, I meant that I was with someone else after she contacted me a year later. People change and come to appreciate different qualities in a partner. I’m not a rebel bad boy, and will never be. Some women don’t appreciate intelligence and caring until later. If she sees the difference between you and her new man, who knows... But by then, you may have moved on with another....
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: that is exactly what i tell myself also. If I meet someone else and she does steal my heart then so be it, although it is still very hard but I try not to close my eyes/heart for that. A lot can happen in a year and both people do evolve and realize what they had after a longer period of time.
  • agoodblackman: Perfect. Just what the Dr ordered. Meaning I neetded to hear that
  • Mayforce: Even, you just will live with less regrets. Strong man. I haven’t done my one yet. surely I will do when I post his stuff to him. It is so good to see everyone update your follow up till now. Take care, all of us.
  • Mayforce: hey, guys, I posted this on my facebook and would like to have your thought if you are willing to share, thanks!
    "Dit-moi,
    do ppl,
    who took your effort for granted,
    made lie without guilt,
    humiliated you,
    and said they are perfect,
    deserve to be forgiven and another chance,
    even though they had used to be so loving and nice to you?
    Would you accept these ppl back to your life after they realize the grass is not greener in the other side?
    can they be trusted again? ppl change and will change back to good one?"
  • Tim: Hey everyone. Just checking in.
    @ Thorns:
    I was wondering if the time had come yet for you to make your attempt at contact. If so, how that went.
    I want to share something, a few things actually. I was searching the web for info on narcissists and up came a hit on " Being Dumped By A Narcissist" If you allow it, maybe I would post the link here. You know my story but there was much I left out about how I was treated by this beautiful girl who I was with. I thought that she was a narcissist about a year into it. Believe me when I say that I am not trying some blame shift thing to make myself feel better. I had my issues in it, but mostly too much attention and love from my end, and putting up with anything weird or rude she did. Well this article blew me away. It was as if someone was writing a script of my relationship that had already happened and ended. I’m still lonely, but the article was like an epiphany for me. I felt the weight lifted some how, and really learned something. Now that was yesterday afternoon, so as I write this on August 20 7:53 am the next day something strange happened that I must relate. At 3:30 this morning I get a call from her, asking if she can come over. I asked for what reason and she just said to talk. Yep, it happened. The guy she likes is treating her badly and she said she knows he doesn’t love her and is immature. I must be getting better, because I was not completely floored by seeing her because I see her in a different light now. I’m not even seeing anyone, nor have met anyone else, but I know know that she is not well in the head. She was crying and talking about him for a long time. If you read the article I mentioned about narcissists, this behavior is also documented. Thorns, you ex may not be one of those types, but for anyone else going through what I did, the story I mentioned will really help. No talk about getting back together with my ex, but now I know that I couldn’t be with her. She is just using me as a leaning post because of her new guy isn’t working out. I can tell she likes him very much, but he is just leading her on, then pushes away, then leads on again. I must be getting somewhat better, because I am not weeping like a child right now. Not over her yet, but somehow more stable. Still lonely, but wiser from all I have been through.
  • Mayforce: @ Tim
    Thanks for sharing your update here. If that happens to me, my feeling for my ex will be faded away more. They left you and stay with an unappreciated person? I would have a feeling, they don’t deserve to be with but that is how i feel.
    Maybe I would leave the door not fully closed if I found no one else better in my front.
    But think deeper what if this happens to me and I still have feeling for my ex. Maybe I would meet her and let her talk but also I would tell her she needs to find out who is better for her and also tell her I am not here for listening to her sad story with her new man but I want us. I will tell her.. if she still stays with that guy, I will see less reason for me to think we still can back together. She needs to think through and make a decision before all my feeling for her shade away completely. And even she is just one of my friends, not ex, I also don’t want to see my friend be treated like this.
    Push her to make decision. I think it’s quite fair and right to do and mature, no?
  • Tim: Hello everyone. Holiday weekend here in the States. Anything new on your end Thorns? Did you make that contact yet? I saw my ex girlfriends brother at a concert last night. He is also hurting from a breakup. I just told him to say hello to Stacy from me next time he sees her. You are right, Thorns, it does get better. Still a dull pain but I haven’t broken down in weeks....
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Tim
    Hi there, no the time has not come yet.
    I will reach out to her on her birthday with a short msg to her phone. I will not make it emotional and just keep it short but brief. I will see how she will react on it and will then decide what to do. I am not expection anything and i still think she is with this guy anyway. Meanwhile i am just living my life and will see what the future will bring. i accepted the situation for the biggest part and it is going way better now.
    I was also on a holiday for 2 weeks and it cleared my head a bit more! ;) The pain is gone but just some memories popup from time to time. That is normal and your ex will have the same! believe me! they will not admit it but they will have them! :)
  • Aly Montagner: I love this! My ex boyfriend and I of 9 months broke up because I was going off to college (he is 2 years younger). He said I was the best he’s ever had and ever will have, he cried in my arms when we broke up, he was my first love and would give anything to be with him again! 2 weeks after we stopped contacting each other, he began dating this younger girl...talk about a rebound! I was devastated and am still in the recovery process. I can’t seem to get him off my mind. This has definetly helped me!
  • Tim: September 19, 2012
    It’s been almost 3 months. Where did the time go. Cold mornings now, and it chills my heart as well. I read my posts way at the top and see how far I have come, but the sadness has spread although not as sharp. I am not done grieving the lost relationship that never was. It was all in my head from the start.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Aly Montagner.
    Goodluck on your journey, take it step by step and time is essential! Think about yourself first, be happy with who you are and only then the unexpected can happen :)
    I know how hard it is because I still think about my ex gf after 7 months! but it doesn’t hurt that much anymore although I still care for her but because of that I should let her find her happiness even if that is without me. Else I would just be selfish and think about my own feelings only.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Tim.
    Its been 7 months for me man and I feel you. Accept the grieving, I know you did not expect it to last it this long but thats how much we cared for them. It takes a lot of time and we will get there no matter what! stay strong and keep your distance! ;)
  • Tim: Thanks, Thorns.
    I will never contact her, not even in my darkest hour. Its all about me now, and the lonely feelings, when they come, take me back to her only because she was the last
    and deepest love. The deepest love in my mind, but not hers.....
    Have you made your attempt yet, Thorns? Any contact at all?
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Not yet, next tuesday is her birthday. Not sure if I will send her an B-day card over email. What is wise and what is not. If I don’t send her anything then that could be either possitive or negative.
    It will give a sign I moved on if I don’t send her anything and she migth be curious but on the other side if I will then she might appreciate that I didnt forget her and she might to create some kind of communication.
  • Tim: Thorns, maybe an observation of her birthday with a neutral emotional content in the email? I got a text from my ex some weeks back that she had purchased a house. I replied " nice! Congrats" she replied "thanks". That was it. NC since then. She has few friends and just wanted to tell someone I’m guessing. Ya man, just do the email card, but like one to a friend.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Yeh I will keep it neutral and will see if she will react. I guess she will react, not sure how but I guess in a short way.
    Maybe you should have reacted in a bit longer reaction. Something like "At last your own house (or a new house)! You made some big steps and i am proud of you! enjoy it! Take care.".
    It still shows maturity and does not show you want her back but still care for her. Well you did it your way and you should not regret that of course.
    Lets see what my situation brings, I am not expecting anything!
  • Tim: I left some facts out. If you remember from earlier posts, I mentioned that I told her I care and will be here to talk. Well she came over 7 weeks ago to talk about the guy she left me for. A young stud who treats het badly, but she loves him. I listened patiently and said maybe he will grow up soon and to give him a chance. Yep, it killed me to be so cool about everything. She never asked anything about me, not my work trip overseas, nothing. That’s when I looked up somatic narcissism. She fits the profile to a tee. She will never care about me, only herself. Yep, I still care because I am not well in the head myself. She also told lies to her folks and brother. Her brother said she told them all we were just room mates. Weird stuff man. Room mates don’t plan a life together and profess their love for each other. Any way,thats why the short reply to her text. She is probably living with him.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: hmmz, she is living a lie? do you want to be with someone who tells stuff like that? I know I accepted some bad habbits from my ex gf also because I still care for her.... I wish it was different but hey we are human after all.
    If you truely want her back with time then you must let time do its work. In the mean time we should just continue our own lives and not close our eyes for new things as you might never know and then it is their own mistake. In most cases they will see what they miss and then they will contact you again but they might be too late. We should not wait for them because else we would still place them on a pedestal. They choose a different path and they must wear the consequences also.
  • Tim: So true. As far wanting her back, well that’s a bit complicated. When I first began posting here it would have a definite yes, I want her back. We just shared so many interests together an of course, the extreme beauty and youth. But she also alienated me from friends and family and was extremely jealous. I didn’t care then, I was just so proud to have her. I think that speaks of my own insecurity, that I was never willing to stand up for myself with her. I was too afraid to lose her. The emptiness I feel is more of a longing for the relationship that I idealized with her. A young and beautiful woman with no ex husband, no kids and really not many friends to take away from all of the "us" time. But that’s not how a healthy relationship works. There must be balance I think.
    So there you have it. I have learned much from all this, mostly that I need to be ok alone. And not to be so superficial when it comes to looks. I must look deeper. If she ever calls again, maybe to see her new place, I probably would go, if just to show I’m ok and to see how she acts now. Time will tell, and yes I have been seeing someone from work occasionally. She’s a cute, nice woman, divorced with two children. She knows my whole story and we were friends while I was living with my ex. I really like her, but can’t just jump to her because I am lonely. Just casual hanging out right now.
    Let me know what happens next Tuesday with the birthday greeting. I’m hoping for something positive...
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Exactly sounding like me man. I was also proud to have her next to me. My smile was as big as possible when I saw her. I was just head over heels in love with this girl. Beautifull, smart, a good laugh, loves going out, visiting new places, enjoyed eachothers company, amusements parcs, bowling, the beach, Paris, the cinema, restaurants (sushi) and so on.... Just all those memories bring up a smile. It all turned 180 degrees one day and she left. Dropped me like a stone,.. she cried for 2 hours telling me that she needed space. I told her if that is what you want then you should go and I will let you go because I care for you or else I am just selfish. She told me I should follow my feeilngs and should not seperate our roads because they will never cross again. So that is why I kept contact to show her my undying love. She knived it! and found someone else. Just to break my heart twice and the scars are carved even deeper. I will wear this bagage with me and I have to deal with it. This is also my own mistake because I told her our roads split up right after the breakup but she insisted to keep the contact.
    I am curious about next Tuesday also, but I don’t have any hope because she is online at her mobile a lot and that could only mean 1 thing. Yep.... this other guy and if she is happy with him then I will let her be happy with him.
  • Tim: **** , man, lots of similarity with your storyline. Lots of smiles and good times.The sushi thing really hits it. That was our favorite together. I still can’t go back to the places we went. Also, I was dropped cold one day, but she already had this new guy lined up before she moved out. The guy treats her badly so she wants him more. I treated her like a princess and she lost all respect for me. That’s the way it goes sometimes, but not every time. Someday someone will return the love and caring that I shower them with.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: yeh sushi was something we had together also but a lot of people go to sushi restaurants these days. :P I’ve been to one restaurant once and I noticed the place we were sitting. Only checked it once because it gave me back some memories. It was one of our last sushi time and if I look back then I noticed she acted a bit different towards the end and got a bit bossy but since I didnt spend to much attention to that it drove her nuts probably. She felt like she controlled it but I was more like whatever we are having fun and we are happy! it was not I was having an opinion but she could never get me angry with anything and it must have upset her.
    It is so true,.. I am thinknig the same,.. we showered them with love which they choked on and they felt it like pressure and it overwhelmed them. Someone they love someone who acts like they don’t care and act like they can have someone else in no time. Ain’t it weird.... one day they will see what they have but it is to late for them to turn back.
  • Tim: The same is happening now with the woman at work. We were friends before when I was in a relationship and I could tell she wanted more but I couldn’t do that. Now that I’m available she changes her mind a lot about us. It makes me crazy but I never pressure her. I just say do what ever makes her happy. Don’t worry about me. She sent a nice goodnight text last night with xoxox in it. Now she is at work but has her instant communicator turned off on her computer. I never initiate contact, but I can tell she has probably changed her mind again. Oh well, I’ll just keep my distance with her.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Well you know her for a while and I think you should just make one strong move! :) Just ask her something like "Do you like to drink something after work sometime?" At a pub or restaurant or something and just think like this,.. she migth say No and then you accept the idea and say something like "What a shame but okay" and leave her. But she could also say "yes" to it of course and you have nothing to lose! Besides if you asked her the first time and she declines she might always come back to it if you responded in a way you don’t feel hurt or frustrated and take it mature.
  • Tim: Guess I forgot to mention , she is the woman I talked about a few posts back that I work with. We have already been intimate, I have stayed at her place a few times and she knows me well. She is just undecided about making it exclusive, or if to even see me again. We were friends for two years, and recently spent the weekend together. She did meet someone while I was not available but he lives out of state. She admitted that things were different when I was taken. Kinda the same thing. Wanting what you can’t have, and not wanting what is available.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: oh okay sorry, i’ve read it but I read a lot on the internet lately! :) Well it seems like she is just chasing men which are taken? Maybe you should play it a little bit dirty also then. Let her indirectly know that you are enjoying someone else or you are dating someone else. Or tell her that you are going out, restaurant/cinema or whatever but keep it mysterious with who!
    Woman tend to get someone who is taken, my 1st ex tried to seduce me when I was in a relationship with my last ex but she didnt succeed of course! she even asked me, if we are both single when we are 30 then we marry okay? (Ughhh yeh right, sounds hopeless)
  • Tim: What an odd thing for her to say. Oh man, what a trip.
    Well, I’ll never figure it out with some people.
    So, the woman at my work, just saw her in passing. Said hello with a big smile and kept walking. Then she texts me about going to her family cottage in the upper peninsula of Michigan and if no one else is using it would I like to go next weekend. Well, I replied sure, sounds good. I’m either misreading everything, or I am just stupid. Strange stuff man...
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: You go man! you can do it! Sounds like a green flag to me if you ask me!
    Sigh,.. if only I wish to do to get her back.
    Somehow I keep thinking she keeps with this guy...
  • Tim: Yea, I’ll go. She’s nice.
    As far as your ex lady goes, she may be with this oter guy still, just like my ex is with another guy. What I wish we could figure out is how not to be hit so hard when love fails or leaves us. Maybe we’re just more sensitive guys... I don’t know man....
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Yeh she is with him for sure. Just to protect myself but also because she is a lot online on her messenger when she is at work. I know i am sensitive man,.. I wish i were not that sensitive. Sometimes some television shows can be sad, i get watery eyes! Not crying but i can feel for other people like i am in their shoes. And then i ask myself.. Wake up nutcake! No use for this... As you can see it only makes you weak. But experiencing these things in life like breakups turns you more into stone everytime untill someone stays with you and you can be sensitive from time to time when it is needed...
  • Tim: Yep. Exactly the same here. I water up at touching or sad movies myself. Guess it means I have a heart. I just to manage it better in relationships....
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: I dont have it at movies,.. more at realistic television. Because i know it is the truth and i feel for them somehow :P We do have a heart,.. they also but we care a bit too much which freaks them out or is just overwhelming and they feel pressured. They will flee and find a way out to get out of it,.. Thats why they say they need space and if you give it untill they come back then you might have a chance but i told her that she should choose because i am not someone who is waiting at a bench for his love to decide. Well i gave her 2 weeks after she told me that because it was really hurting me to let me wait while my heart was suffering.
  • ChiefyRich: Great article, and these sort of posts are keeping me going at the moment. Thanks
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Cheers man! keep your head up! and drop some posts from time to time if it makes you feel better. It is quite good to share it on the internet because people do listen more and better because some of them are in the same boat. Besides sometimes family and friends get sick if you tell the story over and over again how depressed or sad you are.
  • Tim: Hey, thorns. Just wondering if you got a response from Tuesday. Anything at all?
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Hey Tim! well I left it aside as I decided it is better to leave her for now. She has her own things right now and it would have more power if I just ignore her for the time being. I just let it go with the flow and I am getting over her pretty fast now. You will see their flaws day by day instead of covering them up and only thinking about the good things they gave...
  • OJ27: It helped. Thanks!
  • Ajay: Hi I’ve read ur advice and I must admit ur are absolutely right dude. Although I’ve made a few mistakes already like begged pleaded and cry! But I suppose if I stay focused on what you’ve written which seems like some really great advice things might Work out and be different so I’m looking forward to trying this as its better than sitting and feeling sorry for my slef so to speak. So thanks dude
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Thanks for the appreciation. I do hope it helps for other people out there because I learned it the hard way and after it is probably to late. I did accept the situation now and went into no contact for over 4 months now. It helped me healing nonetheless. Just stay strong and be your own priority for the moment.
  • Bender: Great advice. I have made every possible mistake in the book, several times. We broke up 2 years ago, then I tried nc and she started contacting me again, but I jumped the gun and we started spending all of our time together and I moved back in a few weeks later, yet she refused to get back together and told her friends she had nothing to do with me at all which was a lie as we still lived together and spent all of our free time together and slept together (sexually, and just literally in the same bed) as tho nothing ever happened. Yet she refused to get back together. I wouod blow up on her occasionally after i found out she lied to her friends and family about me. This went on until 3 months ago when we had a huge fight and she has not spoken to me since. She won’t even respond to my txts and I have not been able to go more than 5 days without testing her, only to feel 1 million times worse when she continued to ignore me. Some days I feel good, and some days I feel like killing myself. It helps to be able to do things to take my mind off her, but I am always broke due to being underemployed. Life truly sucks for me now but I know I can be worse. For me tho, it always does get worse as soon as starts to get better.. I believe there is a god, but I think he does not care much about me. Maybe even dislikes me a little. I don’t think he hates me yet tho :/)
    Do you think there is a chance we could get back together ? Lol... I have not gone more than 5 days without contacting her. I know I need to stop. I have already gone thriugh every emotion and stage of grieving multiple times. It just seems to keep repeating. If I did not believe in hell I probably would have killed myself a while ago.
  • Tim: Hey Thorns, what’s the latest? Hope you are doing ok man....
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Bender
    In most cases there is a chance but some things need more time then others. It depends on how much has happened between the 2 of you but it seems you 2 still had a good bond... although you need to stop contacting her because it will kill the spark eventually. Dont put to much pressure on her shoulders and give her some space. You both need time apart and need to evolve. If you keep close then things will get awkward the longer you try to be with her. As you say it will go into and endless cycle untill one of the 2 walks away for good. But just stay positive no matter the outcome!
    @ Tim
    No I haven’t contacted her and i don’t know if i ever will. Guess i am better off without her.... if they leave you once they can leave you twice. Think i will just move on instead ;)
  • Tim: Thorns, that is what I’m trying to do. Her thing with the new guy didn’t work out. She started calling me out of lonely feelings. I helped her out a bit at her new house, but she was just using me. No sex, just hanging out. I just told her to lose my number. The bandaid needs to be completely pulled off, fast. I made a mistake even seeing her again. It just made me hurt again.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: hmmzzz **** man,.. i think i would have fallen in the same trap tho. But did you tell her you want more or asked her if she wanted more? How did you know she didnt want more and was just using you?
  • Tim: Yep. Told her all. She even said she wanted to try again. Then changed her mind the same day. She knows I want her. She doesn’t want me in that way though. My fault, I reopened the wound.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: maybe you jumped to fast into her and she felt overwhelmed.. So what are you going to do now?
  • Tim: Actually, I kept it cool, no rushing. She knows I treated her well, was reliable. You just can’t ask why I think. Why not us. I’m just too available for her. Plus, she wants a younger reckless type I think. She knows I have a friend I like. She’s not affected by that at all. I’m going to drop it. Move on. I’m doing better now, can see more clearly. Just like you perhaps..
  • Bender: @EvenRoseshaveThorns, thank you for the advice dude. I truly think It is over between us. No more friendship no chance of ever getting back together. I think it’s over. I may try nc for 2-3 months and drop her a text or phone call one last time... Can I just come live with you in Holland? Lol j/k. Tho I would love to visit holland in the near future and my favorite fighter (Alistair Overeem) is from there. I will continue to follow your thread. Thank you again, you are great.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Tim.
    I know what you mean Tim, thats why i went off the radar. She knows i am available and maybe she still thinks that but i can’t asume anything. The best thing is i let her go to find her true happiness. In my eyes that would be love or else it would only be an obsession and i were never a jealous person. It does hurt in my heart but that is normal and i am just not a robot! ;) Good thing is you responded mature in your situation and the way you handle it now. There are better days ahead! We have to accept the situation and we should cherish the memories and thank them for that.
    @ Bender
    Just let it rest for the time now, I know it is hard and I felt the same as you do now. It is hard to accept and your mind is all over the place. The emotional rollercoaster is normal but you should not take that ride everyday so you shouldnt go into an endless cycle.
    Sure Holland is great and especially Amsterdam! :p
    I like Overeem also but also K1 fighting! we had some pretty good fighters in the past.
  • Tim: Thorns, the biggest mistake I made was talking to her again, going over to help her with her house. Huge setbacks now. She left me in late June. I was Hoping she wanted me back. She doesn’t.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: well if you didnt then you would still have that question and you might never knew the answer. Now you know and you were man enough to face her again. Take it as an positive experience even if you didnt want this outcome... I know it can hurt like hell because i went through the same but keep yourself together and maybe it is time to let her go for good if it keeps hurting you.
    As for my situation,.. i did sent her an email today. Just a short one to say hello and just asking how she is doing. Nothing more nothing less... not even emotional. I am not expecting anything and just would like to keep it on a friendly level. If she does not respond then so be it,.. then she is not the great person when i met her,.. She was so social and friendly even before we had a relationship so that would be weird. Well not expecting anything is the best you can do anyway! ;) just keep your head up,.. better days ahead.
  • Tim: Thanks man. Just been feeling down lately. I’m a superficial ****, she’s just so hot, cute, tiny. Drives me crazy. I’m just lonely is all. I give it a year till I snap out of it. I need to quit responding to her weekly texts. They are always about me giving her advice about her house repairs. I’m a sucker...
  • Tim: I think you are handling your situation right. Hey, you’re a nice guy and are acting accordingly. No harm in that. The thing is, how long can us guys put so much thought into how we act with them? How I would act in a relationship is to show my love and respect. Not worry about contacting them too much and to hold back. I like to let a woman who I’m with know that she doesn’t have to worry about my staying or leaving. If I’m into her, she will figure it out by how I treat her. I hate games.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: lonelyness is just in the head man. It is your own thoughts which keep the negative flow going. if you keep thinking negative then only negative things will come out. People around will see and feel that. People who think possitive and act that way can achieve a lot more. A lot of achievements in life can be reached by thinking possitively.
    Just next time if you speak with her then don’t give in,.. if she wants something from you then she should work for it,. if you give someone something without any price then they will just be flowered and take you for granted which will kill attraction. People want to have those things which they can lose and for what they should work. Thats why you should have ups and downs in a relationship also with both possitive and negative reactions like being angry but on a mature level. Make them laugh,.. make them cry,.. give them love and they will be addicted to your love! ;)
    i know you hate games but even love is like a game,.. ups and downs and with all the emotions included. Thats why love and hate are connected with eachother,.. if you can hate someone then they are able to trigger your feelings thus your emotions or else you would not even care about them at all! Just bigup yourself and place yourself on that pedestal, you are not dependant and we came alone and will go alone no matter what. Just cherish the time we have on earth! it is easier said then done but it is the easy truth.
  • Tim: So true, brother. But like we talked about before, we can know what to do and how to think, but actually doing the right things is easier when someone else confirms that which we already know. I usually get tired of feeling down and thinking negatively after awhile and force myself to see all the things I should be thankful for. Thanks for reinforcing that. I was thinking today about how I am available to meet someone new and interesting. A positive side of being single. :-)
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: see, you should look at the positive things right now and exploit them! :P
    I know what you mean with feeling down and you know the reason why and that you should be able to be happy but sometimes other people need to trigger that again by telling you the things you already know but just confirming them.
    Keep up the good work and go meet her! see where it goes and don’t jump right in, be yourself and be that happy confident person!
  • joshua: Just read this article and i can’t help but think i already made some of these mistakes and would love your opinion on my situation. My ex and were together for 6.5 years and we broke up nearly 2 months ago, she dumped me, over a large argument with other factors contributing as well. Since then her and i have had NC but i always thought that she had another guy either lined up or that she was cheating on me (she has cheated in the past so i felt that was a justifiable emotion. Yesterday i sent her a text after all that time asking if we could try to patch things up as i was still hurting and still had many things i wanted to know so i could move on. She replied by email within 10 mins telling me that she didnt regret us breaking up and that the way it happened was bad but ultimately she felt it was for the best and besides she already has a new relationship. I did find out that the guy she is with now she had been talking to online for a month prior to us breaking up and they jumped into a relationship shortly after we split. Now according to her she told him we are talking and said she told him all bout us and how she cheated and this guy just accepts all of it and trust her enough that he doesnt care if we talk and overall he’s "such a great guy". Now the problem i have is while we have been talking these last 2 days she had called me honey, used pet names we had for each other, said we could met up to see an art display she made and seems to be interested to know if i have gone out wither others and how i have been doing. So my question is she doing this to help me ease on to someone else, is she doing it to make me jealous or are things maybe not as great as she is making things out to seem between her and her new guy? Better yet what should i be doing as we talk for 8 hours a day while we are at work now, we work the same shift and both have desk jobs, and it seems like she is being pretty flirty
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Hi Joshua,
    It is hard to say to tell you what they are thinking or what they are planning to do. They could feel guilty and be nice to you and offer friendship. She could miss you and their current relationship is failing or showing small bricks. She could also play stupid games to see if you are still connected to her and she needs a boost for her confidence,.. some people are addicted to attention and they feel good when you place them on a pedestal. We can’t say what she has on her mind at this point and it depends on what you want to achieve. But since you took the effort to search for info on sites like these you want her back ofc, but not at all cost and don’t let her play with your heart indeed. Keep your distance and threat her like a co-worker for the time being because sometimes they only want the shoulder for comfort and then they run back to their new lover. Let her do the work for the moment and keep yourself busy with other things in life. If she wants more from you then you will definetly know it when time goes by. She will contact you more often if you contact her less,.. peoplel do want to have that which is just out of reach but you have to play your cards right. Although you are not sure what her reason is you have to play it cool and protect yourself also if she doesnt want anything else from you but just your voice for comfort.... If you talk with her for 8 hours she seems to be used to you around. She needs to know what it is to miss you,.. she is asking if you found someone else because she might see you as a backup option if her new relationship fails. But you should not be that second option! ;) So don’t be around for her all the time,.. be busy or reply a bit slower...
  • joshua: Thanks for the reply :). Thats kind of what i was thinking like today i decide i would not contact her but an hour into work she is emailing me about how i am doing, hows work, do i have new clients, and do i see myself staying here or doing something else. It is all very confusing since we had these talks when we first met and it feels as though in some respects we are starting from square one but at the same time she distances herself when talking about meeting up to say pickup clothes she left at my house or meeting up in the future. I do know that she told her parents when we broke up we no longer talk but has already said her dad still ask about me and she is going to tell him that we started talking as friends again in the near future so im not sure if that has any significance or if i am reading into that to much. I haven’t brought up her current relationship and she does not want to talk about, i asked her to avoid mentioning it if possible, and if there is a slip up she is quick to get off that topic as well. So she knows i have been talking to a couple other people, she knows i recently starting to talk to a girl that she was jealous of when we were dating as well and has already vented that i should not listen to anything that girl says and should avoid her but i guess im worried that like you said i may be a backup plan. It sounds to me like what she has is a definite rebound relationship and she already said she still cares for me, will never forget what we had, realizes she was ungrateful at times and there are fresh wounds but on the other hand she also said she does not see us as dating in the future and she wants to focus on what she has now. So aside from keeping a distance as friends should i return any of the flirt attempts/pet names or just keep it "business" until she comes around ( if that ever happens)
  • Bender: @Thorns, thanks again. You are a great person.
  • Tim: Hey Thorns, did you ever get a reply to the email you sent her?
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Joshua
    You should act like she is a co-worker for the time being,.. you need a lot of signs from her side if you want to give your first one back. Besides she is in a relationship so she might seek your attention at times for comfort. Do not use any nicknames or pet names yet because it is way too obvious you want her back. You will give all the power away to her and that is not attractive at all,.. if they know they can have you back in an instant then there is no game to play. Love is like a game,.. some people call it stupid but thats how it works with emotions involved. People want to have the things which they can’t have or are barely out of reach. That is also why she reacts a bit jealous about that girl you have met because you will be unavailable then for her! ;) she will lose you for good then! or she might lose you for good as it is now and unless she really knows this girl then it is obvious she wants you to stay single for the time being untill her relationship is going so great that she does not need you around anymore.
    So just keep your distance for the time being and you can keep it on Low contact for now. If she does make contact then do not reply right away and take some hours to reply or the next day and if she starts about it then just say you were busy but do not start about what took your time! ;) if she does ask it then you know she is really interested and you might say something like " I was out to a restaurant and went to the cinema right after". Or something you did with her back then but do not mention a name with the person you were. If she continues asking then you know even more... Just say something between the lines "With some good company". Just keep it mysterious and try to change the subject so it will stay in her mind. You will never have a guarantee to get her back but you can increase your chances. Just think for yourself first "Do I really want this person back after what she did to me?" "Would she take me back if I did the same to her?". Do not place her on a pedestal and you are the prize she needs to get back and thus you need to create that attraction first. You are busy with your own life,.. your new improved life where you don’t really need her! your happiness is not dependant about her! She needs to realize what it is to lose you for good. Besides if you don’t get her back then there are plenty of great girls out there! She needs to think that way also,.. you can have another girl in no time! even if you want her back like i do! ;) And of course you should not act rude and uninterested but you need to play your cards right. First get out of that emotional rollercoaster so you can think rational again and from there evolve and play your cards.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Bender
    You are welcome, hope you are doing great!
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Tim
    Not yet and 5 days passed now. I am not sure if she still use that e-mail adress. She might have read it and not sure how to react because it has been 6 months since we had contact. She did not block me so left the door open so I might sent her one txt to her phone next monday. Just a short one and I will keep it cool and see where it goes. I don’t want her back but I want to see if I can make her part of my life as I do care for her. She is not a bad person at all and I have accepted the situation a long time ago. All it takes is courage and face this fear of the love she broke. I just have to be a little bit more patient for now.. but that aint hard after 6 months! ;)
  • joshua: @EvenRosesHaveThorns.
    Hey thanks for the advice man but a lot has happened since then to be honest and i’ll try my best to explain it all and see what you think. Like i said before Fri she had contacted me first and we ended up talking emailing back and forth but come Sat. I dropped off a box of her things that i had rang her doorbell and bailed so there would be no contact however by the time i got home she emailed me a thank you asking me what i was doing for the day and if i wanted to go see and art exhibit she had made for day of the dead. So we ended up going like we did every year but then we also went out for lunch, went to target, walmart etc. and ended up hanging out from noon until like 10pm. By that time she had told me more about the guy she is with and was really interested to see what i thought about him since he has a lot of strange things about him such as a whole collection of sly stalone and arnold schwarzenegger things in his place, sleeping with a beauty mask and an ambient noise machine you know just fairly weird things. So we had a whole talk about that and everything was cool but just yesterday she was talking about how she wanted to watch Magic Mike and i ended up picking her up after work, going to pick up groceries for diner, then coming back to my place cooking and watching a movie until like 10 again. Now that was a little awkward giving our history but she seemed to be enjoying herself and at one point when her new guy called she picked up and said she was busy and they could talk later so i am getting the impression that she really isn’t into this guy so much as it was a guy there when she needed someone to hear her out and comfort her. So i am left confused as things seem to be pointing that we may get back together,at least in my opinion, and there are things she said last night on the way home that made me think she is getting sick of him acting more or less like a girl and has said "you have really surprised me in a good way" and "thank you for not trying to make a move on me or make it awkward". It has now also went from there is no chance we will ever date again to well let’s see what the future holds and if the guy i am with now doesn’t work out ya i’ll tell you and figure things out from there. So are things moving to fast, am i looking to much in the little comments and actions or do you think things look promising?
    Oh and this other girl in questions she has seen in passing and pics and knew at one point we worked together but she also knows she has a boyfriend of her own. There has always been bad blood between them as my ex was always jealous of her for various reasons and the other girl knows all about my ex and just thinks she is a horrible person and wants me to leave her behind so.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Joshua
    Seems like you are doing great but do not be that doormat or puppydog just waiting for her because if she tells you things like "if it does not work out then I will tell you and we can try again". She can’t not play with your heart like that,... like you can sit and wait around. It has way more attraction if you come up for yourself at that part. Tell her you care for her but you will not just sit and wait for her because it is just not fair to play with your feelings like that. You don’t want to push her and you do not want to force a decision but she should not just think about her own heart. Try to bring it in a mature way and that you do understand her, be a listening ear but she should also listen to you and what you have to tell. Don’t jump in right away and do not give that impression that you would take her back instantly. She should work for it and you will create attraction if you are less available to her because now she is eating both cakes and enjoying your comfort while she is experiencing this new guy.
    You should not really give an opinion about this new guy because you just don’t know him but you can just confirm her words if she has an image about him. You have showed your face now and she felt comfortable with you,.. maybe it is good to backoff a bit so she can feel what it is to actually miss you and only have this new guy around. Meanwhile just enjoy your time as a single and at least act happy towards her but not overly! ;) It seems you have a good chance but she needs to find it out for herself now.
    Keep up the good work and keep your head up, stay confident and show the best of you. Good luck.
  • joshua: @Thorn.
    Thanks man i am going to keep trying but you gave some solid advice and some of it i have acted on now like you suggested. We ended up hanging out for the last 2 nights and she brought up the other girl after looking at my phone and i nicely said hey look i will be here for you, i will try to help you and you know i still have feelings for you but as far as my love life goes if i want to talk to others i will or if i want to stay single and work on myself i will and you need to respect that. I was really surprised by her answer that she understood and has not even mentioned anything about it since so i guess that is good right? It also turns out that when she said she told her family/friends we no longer talk that apparently they continued to ask about me so i thought that was encouraging as well. Now she did say her family knows about this new guy and i guess her sister had sent him some embarrassing stuff on facebook, nothing major like stuff i already know but things she hasn’t told him yet, but she already told some of her closer friends we are talking again, she actually asked if i it would be ok if one of her girls came to hangout with us last night, and says her family knows as well or at least has an idea. Again she brushed off talking to her guy and from what i understand they really do not see each other more then once a week since he told her he works days and then has an evening class but after that he works out and eats and doesn’t have time to see her ( i know i probably should not be getting into it that deep but she offered it up so i sat there and kind of nodded my head)Other then that i think i have been doing good lol umm the only thing i think might put me back some is she twice now had fallen asleep with me there (once by my house and then yesterday by her house not snuggling or anything but her head on my shoulder)and she said that she should probably avoid that as it is so easy for her to fall alseep with me there and when shes tired she says things she doesnt want me to know/does things she wouldnt do if she were awake ( again nothing crazy but yesterday at one point she wrapped my arm under her and held it close to her heart while she slept which she use to do all the time before)
  • joshua: Follow up we did not stay like that i did wake her up and told her i should get going or we would end up falling asleep like that and i know that would just cause issues in the morning between everyone.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Joshua,
    You are doing great it seems, act like the way you are doing now and be cool about the situation. She will see how mature you are and she will be thinking "did i make a wrong decisions by leaving him? is he okay with it, am i not good enough? can he have another girl right away?". She needs to see you as a prize again and her feelings will rise sooner or later.. Keep doing what you are doing and time will tell.. :)
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Tim
    As for my situation here is an update.
    I think i lost her for good, but well maybe i can be friends with her.
    She answered with the following.
    Hi M,
    Thanks for your msg, I am doing great as in business and private.
    With the winter near I am getting a bit tired but I will survive. I dont like the cold weather. Tomorrow morning I will have a big interview with 8 managers of the biggest laywer companies of holland and I have to work it out in 3 days. So a great weekend for me I would say. I live togheter now and it goes well.
    I´ve been on vacation and soon christmas days. So even with these dark days we have some good things ahead. I hope everything is fine with you as well.
    Regards A.
    Bit stiff, cold and protective for her new relationship. But if she is happy then i let her be happy. It did not hurt me at all i must say, i just told myself accept it! life is not going to end! ;)
    I don’t think there’s a hidden msg in it but you can’t be sure.
    Although i think she is speaking the truth, i only asked her how she is doing and she somehow replied with all of this,.. still weird but honest i guess.
  • Tim: That is a lot of of information to give in reply to a short hello message. Do you think she was trying to let you move on by saying she is living with this guy? You seem to be doing very well with everything. I’m proud of you. Why do you think she said so much?
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Yeh I think she does not want to hurt me and not give the wrong impression. I think she still cares because she could have ignored the msg. She knows I am a good person and I really cared for her. I don’t know if she would accept a friendship and time will tell. I will reply next monday and we will see what happens.
  • Tim: Thorns, I wish I could be cool with being friends. She still calls or texts, but makes it clear we won’t be together. She is just lonely and I was reliable and always took care of her. She brought up last night that I probably did too much for her. I talk about other girls and she doesn’t care at all. It pains me greatly every time I think of our good times together. I always act happy when we talk, even joke that we were married and now are divorced. We just went out for 2 years but it feels like we were actually married. Guess I still miss us...
  • Tim: I told her the sushi guy at the restaurant we used to go to is no longer there. She said good, she was supposed to go to a barbeque with him, she wanted to get out and make new friends but turned him down when she found out it was more like a date. He got mad at her. I said maybe you are being a bit naive, what did you think he would want? She gets hit on constantly I guess. She calls me because I’m her only friend I guess, but the calls would stop when she meets someone she likes.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Well try to be less available to her. As you already noticed she is only seeking contact when she needs you as a friend and it is time to stop that. It is better for your own good aswell because I can see how much you care for her and love her. But this way it only benefits her and does no good for you Tim. Next time just do not pickup the phone right away or text her back a few hours or a day later. Try to be less friendly but still in a way like you would treat a co-worker. I did too much also for my ex gf and they are taking us for granted now and we need to turn those tables. If not for getting them back it is for your own good and healing aswell. I wanted to text my ex back today but i am not in a hurry so i’ll wait ;)
  • Tim: You are right. I must be stronger and not think that the next call will be her wanting me back. I kind of wish she would have made it work with her new guy and never contacted me to give me this false hope. Thanks man...
  • JuJu: Thank you for this post Thorns... It gives me a bit of a hope for my future. My high school sweetheart recently broke up with me last week after a nine year relationship, and what hurts the most is that he jumped right into a new relationship the day he told me that he was breaking up... I didn’t handle myself well cos just the day before before it happened, he told me how much he missed me and that he understood how much I loved him, and he rarely says such things. So when he broke it off, it felt like a sword went through my chest. I was even on the verge of taking my life, but I’m glad that I didn’t... Writing about all this even saddens me for what he had to me. We had a really strong long distance relationship, him in Korea and I in Japan. We had an overseas relationship for like seven years out of our nine together, and we were even planning to get married in the coming years... When I heard from him that day, I booked a flight to Korea to see him and I did. I stayed over his place for three nights and although we had time together it wasn’t like before since he has a new girl in his life. Every time I saw him texting her talking to her through the phone, it was so painful. I am such a vulnerable person, and I told him that I needed him to be a part of my life as a friend. After reading your post, I feel like if I had made a mistake of requesting his friendship and even flying over there to see him... Back here I have the support of friends and family, but he was my best friend and my forever love. It’s still been three days since I last saw him and I miss him deeply... I just don’t know what to do... I am such a sensitive... I know it was all my fault for this break up... Though we shared so many good memories, I did keep him on a short leash. Through our rough roads we patched things up, but now there’s someone else. She seems just like the person I am, in character and in interests... But I don’t understand how he could get with her when he just got to know her a couple days before hand. Unlike us, where we have history... I was his first sexual partner and so was he for me... I miss him so much...
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ JuJu,
    I feel for you and especially because 9 years are so long compared to my last 10 months even though I was blinded by love. He could say those things just 1 day prior to the breakup because he knew he would breakup with you and he still has a special place for you in his heart because 9 years can’t just be forgotten.
    Stop regretting about things you did in the past and it is not only your fault as I mentioned "It takes 2 to tango". A relationship is about 2 persons so when a breakup happens also 2 persons are responsible. One could be more responsible than the other but do not push yourself in the victim area. No need for that and you will only feel more guilty while that is not the case. It will only increase your healing time and the time you will learn about the past relationship. Everything is still fresh and you have a bumpy road ahead but you will get stronger in the end. Remeber so many people are not together with their first love in the world and eventually you will find someone again because there are just so many great guys out there. I know this will not give the comfort because he is in your heart and mind right now but this all will take time to accept. Nothing is guaranteed in life so take it day by day and you will get better in the end. You are especially feeling this way because he was your first true love and your first sexual partner. There are way more people who are ahead in numbers and the first one will be the worst because everything is new and it feels like he is the one. The first one will feel like the one in most cases because you never felt this way and you never felt this pain before. It strikes through you heart and it feel so real like someone is crushing your heart. I’ve been there and it took me 10 months to overcome it,.. i wish i met this point a lot earlier but it all takes time. Believe me, you will come there but you can’t set a point in which it will all be okay. Come back to this site from time to time if you feel you need some help because a lot of people are in the same boat! ;)
  • JuJu: I wish that I could gain that strength today Thorns :( In Korea I told him that I couldn’t let him go completely and that I at least needed him to be my best friend that he was, but he suggested we should be ‘good friends’ instead... To think of it, it was thoughtless of me to even request for that... After all he was the one who hurt me. I still feel like it’s a bad dream, and I’m so mad at him for throwing away 9 years of my life for someone who he barely knows! They just started dating and from what I heard from him, she already wants her own space and that she’s misses her single life! Is she playing hard to get?!? It feels like he wants her even more now... I’m losing hope for him... Is there any hope? But I love him and I always will have a place in my heart for him, and I want him back... And tonight... I called him and told him calmly that we could never be friends and I wished him the best of luck, and he did too (with confidence)... It took so much energy to say that and there’s no turning back now... If I contact him, then there’s just zero chance of getting him back right? I really want this pain out of me... I even got a new cut today lol. It’s been like half a year since my last visit to the salon :P Well... thank you Thorns...
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Don’t worry juju a lot of people made the same mistakes. Being friends right after a broken relationship is just to ease the pain. For the dumpee it is the wrong decision as you need to cut all the lines right away and need time apart for yourself only. It is not to get them back but it is to overcome most of the pain you will keep while staying friends. Get at least a month for yourself without even contacting them and you will feel better in the end, it will be hard at the start but this will let you think rational again, on the side effect the dumper does not know anything about your life also and they might be wondering about your life and if they are really interested and have you in their heart then they will reach out. This is a good test for yourself if you want to spent time with them again and give them the love back they and you deserve. if that ever happens of course else you should move on because you deserve much more then people like that,.. your heart tells you different right now but you should think with your mind for the time being.. Just take care of yourself right now, do the things you could never do and try to have a different mindset :)
  • Tim: Juju, sorry to hear about your troubles, but try to take Thorns advice, no contact for now. It really helps in the long run. It also gives the ex some time to think about you two.
    Hey Thorns, make any contact after her email reply?
  • paul: i separeted of my girlfriend back on october 2, we were on and off togurther for 5 years lot of fight she used to get drunk and the fisical would it star!! i try many time to have her change her ways of frustrations tors me but it was only for few days!! we have a 4 years son wich sinse we broke up i havent been able to see cause shes already in a relationship with my son soccer coach!! (hows that)??, on novenber 21 was my little one birthday and she took off out of town with my son and her new man for a week and few days after that i found out thru a friend that shes been posting picture of my son with her boyfriend saying that hes stepdaddy already!! a man that she meet 2 months ago already has a title of step dad???? how crazy is that?? and i think they alrady move in toguether in less tham two months!!! i only think the confutions my little one would have if that relationship dont work out!!! im going nuts, i havent call her or email her cause dnt wanna in the middle of whatever they got going on but i care about my son!! im his father and some estranger gets into my exs pant using my son!!! what do you guys think!! im saving money to take her to court and at least get 50/50 but my job is slow and i paid half to my attorney of his fees!! christmas is comming and she would do the samething with my son!!!
  • Rahul: i had a brk up wid my ex on oct 14th..
    She earlier had a bf who dumpd her n she was very sers abt him..aftr her brk up she came into touch wid me..we came clozz but she had a prblm in acppting relatnship wid me but things between us r lyk being in relatnship only..after 4mnths she finally accptd my love n came into relatnship but she dont want to tell dis to ne1..but soon my frnds come to knw..things wer good intially..but we always had a fyt just bcoz i dont lyk some of her behaviours(over friendly nature)..her bf had d same prblm in her past reltnship too..so,things wer not goin well.we used to fyt daily n she used to hide relatnship 4rm every1..one day we had a huge fyt n i abused her badly very badly,,den she left contct wid me.aftr 5 days,,after sayin sooo much sorry things get norml..we came more clozz.but after 15 days she used to say me leave me i dont want to be wid u,,after every small fyt. N evrytym i plead her n things get ok 4 dat tym only..but des things r continuing,,den finally aftr a smal fyt she left me compltly..also der was lots of chnge in her in last 15 days..aftr my brk up on 15th..der is no cntct..she used to talk daily wid a new guy who used to lyk her..just d nxt day of my brk up..she daily talk to her..they became soo cloz n now i hearing dat just aftr 20 days of brk up..they r goin to be in relatnship..even they get phyical lyk kiss each other n they all tym spend tym wid each other. Wat sud i do ?? I really love dat grl..but she **** hates me n curse each n every gud momnts betwn us n she told me dat i made her lyf hell..n she is no cntct wid me,,she blockd me 4rm everywhere..
    I plead her,beggd her,cried her..but she didnt listn nething..n now she is wid dat new guy just aftr my brk up..
  • Rahul: one thing i want to mention dat..i made a lot of mistake..i hurt her badly..i was over possesive,keep questing,n put some retriction on her..
    She dont lyk des things..even i bring her past in conversation which she hates a lot..
    Des things lead to our fyt..
    But her beahaviour chngd aftr i abusd her badly..but i abusd her 1 mnth ago n she left me aftr 1 mnth on dat same rzn..n she is wid sum1 else now..she is very happy wid him n they both together spnd lots of tym together..they r together just d next day of my brk up..wat sud i do to get her back..i tries every single things,,but she didnt listen..not ready to be wid me n hates me..
  • joshua: @Everyrose
    Hi rose just thought i would put an update out there which also may serve as a warning to those looking to get their exs back. As you know me and the ex were talking and she had a new guy who doesn’t seem very honest, he lied about his interest/lives with one ex/is friends with another, but we ended up fooling around about a week and a half ago. She told her guy who ended it and told her he needed space but in the during that time frame she slept with me twice, we fooled around again and she made it seem like things were ok for us. Then she told me this past Fri. while i am at work she is going to call the other guy and ask that he takes her back cause she loves him and thats what she wants which is ok but then told me she had to work later and shed call me Sat and we could hang out. Well i didn’t hear from her the rest of the night but i knew she wasnt working, she posted on facebook about a christmas thing we had going on over here, then when i called her on Sat. she seemed very distant and cold. Turns out they got back together on the condition that he wants her never to see or talk to me again. I asked if that was him or her saying that and the answer came back its what he wants so she’ll do it for him. Now i was upset obviously and asked if he knew what happened over that past week and she said he has no idea and isn’t going to tell him. So i kind of blew up and was like you have been sleeping with me for the last month at least 5-6 times, we fooled around, gone out together, i gave you a couple baths etc. and now your telling me that after all that and 6.5 years your gonna ditch me for a guy you knew for a month and has been lieing to you. Well her answer was you know i don’t want you and what that was was just a moment that meant nothing, i want him and will do as he asks to get him back then proceeded to chew me out as if this was my fault. So word to the wise if your thinking about getting back with your ex and things do start to go well make sure you both feel the same way and that you are not being used. Unfortunate i had to go through all of this to see what kind of person she really is but maybe what happened to me can be an example of what to look out for.
  • paul: is it possible tha my ex is in so much in love with her new bf in such a short period of time since we broke up? she started talking to this guy n dating him about a month before she broke up with me, its been about a month in a half that since she doesn’t let me see my son to the point that she has posted picture of my son n d new guy saying that his step daddy!! i been using a friend of mine fb account to see whats going on with my son but every time i go there shes all about love with this guy and she act like they been in a relationship for about a year or so! i kinda already block her out off my head already but since im taking her to court with evidence from fb that shes confusing my son which hes only 4 year old!! whats wrong with that picture!! and his father but she rader put a stranger that she met in a bar in september as a father figure!!!!
  • Tim: Hey Thorns. How is everything?
  • Maxim028: Why would I want to have anything with that person anymore? It basically tells you "I found my life, it’s time for you to do the same". I can’t stand the fact that she had someone after me, call it man’s ego, or whatever you want, but that’s game over for me,and you know what? It works pretty well for me, I get over that person so fast, I can’t even explain it. In some weird way, it actually helps me to realize some realistic things more seriously. Sometimes I wish I have some knowledge about Psychology , hehe.
  • eddie chang: I didn’t email you in a while. I just want to tell you everything has changed. Before life
    was hell, now its like heaven on earth. It’s really amazing how my life changed with your
    very powerful spell.dr okudu ( <email>
    Eddie Chang, Singapore
  • Danielle,: Thank you for always being there for me dr.okudu ( <email> ). I had spells cast
    before without success and successful ones, but I never felt so taken care of before. You
    really care of me and my problems. All problems and wishes are solved now thanks to you!!
    Pls tell me how I can repay you for this.
    Your friend forever
    Danielle, UK
  • midnitesdream: hey rose just thought i’d ask its been 8 months since she broke with me she’s gotten into a new relationship this week. we have had no contact for those 8 months (my choice) an it ended badly but i’m still in love with her an naturally want her back I have’nt gotten to that happy place yet as been in a funk so just starting to sort myself out now. it’ll be a while before i’m ready to make any good sort of impression with her anyway so just so long as the new relationship does’nt last (i have an idea it’s doubtful) then i’m hopeing to make a move then kinda thing ie ask out to dinner etc etc but what i’d like to know is should i contact her before or after her realtionships ends? it would only be like a merry xmas type thing so its not like i plan on talking to her alot while shes with the guy. any thoughts as i’m living by your rules now buddy :)
  • Dee: Very informative. Thank you
  • pamela: I have been married for 5years and my marriage was great, but few months ago our romantic feeling was going down everyday there was no romantic. I was scared that I am loosing my husband to someone else,so I search on the internet and I found a spiritualist that help in spiritual cleaning and divination to intervene in my love Life whit the necessary spiritual cleaning, everything was alright again in my Life. DR Mamudu I met on internet help me out whit in 48hours,passion and romantic was again in our home, our marriage is stronger than ever, you can contact him on his Email address <email>
  • Tim: Thorns, it’s been a while. I hope you are doing well. Happy new year. Have a story to tell later.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Hi all, been a while and i took some time off anything related to this subject. It’s been great and she is gone for good! I don’t want anything less then i give, so you should receive at least the same in return! ;) hope you are all doing well. Remember you will not always get your ex back and you don’t always want that, first i want her back in my life as in a relationship. Then i would just want her as friends but she made the same effort as in the relationship.. cold and distance. So not worth my time,... think about that, you give your precious time to someone and they should cherish it, NOT taking you for granted....!! if you want your ex back then always take it slowly,.. some people are intimate way to fast and it will backfire you later on. Let them work for you!
    Keep your head up! happy new year all! ;)
  • Lauren: Hey my guy is in a rebound..... When a guy goes ibto a rebound, does he care or is it because he doesn’t care? How long do the rebounds usually last?
  • Tim: Hi, Lauren. That could depend on if you had ended the relationship or he had. Reply back with a bit more information and I’ll give you some advice based on personal experience.
  • michael01: i want my boy back but hehas no tme for me.........HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Genieinabottle: Thorns, This blog is excellent. Maybe next month we should have a contest about Rebound Relationships - of course, you would win heads down - lol. I am the "Dumper" who entered a rebound relationship which led to a serious long-term relationship. My ex, the "Dumpee" went to NC for a while, and we’re back in contact again with one another. The reason we managed to have a smooth transition is that we both realized that the reason the relationship only lasted three years was that we had fundamentally different ideas about long-term relationships. He believed in open relationships and I didn’t and neither of us could convince the other person to compromise. Then again, I think this particular issue would probably end most relationships. I didn’t blame him and he didn’t blame me. We both realized we wanted different things. I don’t want him back because he made me cry all the time by telling me intimate details about his other relationships. I never felt as though I meant that much to him and this impacted severely on my self-esteem. Does he want me back? Definitely, but I pointed out to him that at least now that we’re not together anymore he won’t have to deal with my hissy fits any longer! And, the good thing is that we can still be friends — I guess maybe it’s because I knew him already for many years before becoming intimately involved with him. Am I over him? Definitely not, but I’m working on it.
  • Mike: Hey Rose,
    Thanks for a great post. I think my ex is in a rebound right now, but can’t be sure because this is not really a new breakup. Basically, she broke up with me at the end of 2010, dated someone else, cheated on him twice with me (EXTREMELY out of character for her), he broke up with her summer of 2011 because of me, we had a night together but she wasnt sending clear signals that she wanted to get back together, so I met someone else and started dating them for a year. Broke up, turns out she was a rebound (never actually realized this until I did a bit of reading), and then started talkin to my ex again. We were laughing together like old times, everything was great and both of us intended to get back together, but neither of us actually told the other. I was pretty positive it was going to happen, but apparently she got the sense that I didn’t want their to be an "us" again in a romantic sense, tried accepting it for about a week, then met another guy and started dating him. I didn’t know any of this, went to where I knew she would be to start the reconnecting process, then lo and behold I found out she had been seeing this guy (I was ONE week too late from getting my head straight after the last relationship!!!). I emailed her the next day telling her how surprised I was and explained how I felt and that I thought we were going to get back together, and of course how much I’ve missed her over the years and how much I still love her. After a few back and forth emails it became clear to both of us that what had happened was she waited for me for a whole year, didnt realize that is what I also wanted now that I was single, and tried to move on.
    Since then, I have been mixing in NC, and LC, depending on my mood but am very cautious not to come off strongly and to just keep cool, calm, and collected. She actually reached out to me today and I was friendly, confident, relaxed, showin off my great sense of humor, etc., and then I made sure I was the one to say I had to get going. I think that it went well, and I know I definitely handled the situation perfectly.
    I guess now I just have to play the waiting game? I’m going to be seeing her sunday for the superbowl (not sure if the new bf will be there, probably though, having mutual friends sucks ima have to see her everywhere all the time).
    Here is why I think her new bf is a rebound:
    1) Him and I are similar and have always gotten along (yes, I know him but not too well)
    2) This was pretty much the first guy she met since having only tried to get over me for a week
    3) It seems as though they went from 0-60 in about three dates (Seems bad, but really just indicates rash decision making and getting caught-up with the butterflies in my opinion, and nothing really substantial)
    4) She still talks to me, and has been more controlled this week, but just last Friday she asked if we could speak on the phone and got real emotional towards the end saying how much she missed me. We talked for about 40 minutes (yes I know I should’ve ended the call 30 minutes earlier but I was enjoying it too much).
    (All very similar traits to my unknown rebound)
    Do you think this indicates a rebound, or can there be no rebound since we haven’t actually dated since 2010 (I’m thinking there can since I started one after an almost identical situation after we had been broken up for a year, but who knwos maybe I’m a freak of nature.)?
    Anyway on a side note, the conversation today was a huge turning point and confidence booster. She contacted me, she wanted to keep talking but I had to go, I was nice and showcasing myself at the same time. I feel like a million bucks right now! I am also getting closer to accepting the possibility that she will not breakup with this guy, and that I will just move on and meet someone new. All in all, great day... now if I could only feel this way without her attention :P next step I guess. Wish me luck, and thanks for listening!
  • Mike: Hey, on top of my previous post... I could use some advice on something. I have to be on Yahoo chat all day for my job, so whenever she wants to talk to me she will sign on there (she never signs on for any other reason). This is where we had our conversation I referenced above today. When I said I had to go I basically said had to get back to work, but still obviously had to be on the chat for my job. I told her she could feel free to message me but I might not be able to get back to her very quickly. She stayed on all day, and then finally signed off hours later... do you think it came across as cold or rude that I didn’t message her again when she was clearly sitting there waiting for me to? Just hoping I did the right thing by not messaging her again.
    Thanks,
    Mike
  • Mike: Wow, speak of the devil, as soon as I posted that she signed back on. I’m thinking of messaging her again in 30 minutes if she is still on there and doesn’t message me first. She’s clearly hoping to talk to me and I don’t want to act like I am just ignoring her. She may not be messaging me just because she doesn’t want to interrupt me while working...
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Thanks all for your post, I appreciate it a lot!
    Mike take it step by step and let the time being apart do its work. Giving space to each other could trigger some lost feelings. The person might feel the void since you are not close to them anymore. Hope all is well!
    ERHT
  • Bollie: Ive broken up with my husband and after 2yrs separated he has moved on, and this saddens me terribly. Reading your blogs Tim has actually taken my mind off all my anxieties i do hope you are feeling better. It is hard letting go of the past especially when you have had so many happy times, but you never know what’s round the corner, as frightening as it seems when you think of the prospect of a future alone without your loved one, you may stumble across someone so unexpectedly when your not even looking for love, who will blow your socks off. So hang in there 2013 maybe your best year ever....
  • Bianca: Does having sex toobearly effect u and ur ex cus its neen 2 yrs since are break up and i made the icebreaker to talk we both shared are feelungs of what happen he neat me up but i healed but the other night we slept together and then yesterday we slept together but he has a girl pregnant and im pregnant by someone else and we gonna see each other tonight and thursday is that too much and also we wanna get back together but letting it take time i am single though i miss him and he misses me but since i came in the picture he like hes using her and he doesnt wanna be with her he wants to move somewhere together and syart a family of our own what do u think
  • Syms: I have done a lot o wrong thing begged and cried for 2 months almost butbi was pregnant so I was a bi mo emotional. I have started no contact now and haven’t talked to him in weeks and ten he posts something he knows would hurt me in Facebook it said " if e wants you nothing can keep him away of he doesn’t nothing can make him stay" after weeks of not trying to get him back not talking to him even though he said I isn’t have to stop texting him is the no contact working and he’s getting mad? There has been a lot off mice signals maybe we will get back together I don’t know he has a gf but told me he just liked he for the sex when it happened but the. I sent that text to her(I know a mistake) and he talked his way out of it so who is he Lieing he tolde after i sent that ahe broke up with him then i found out he disnt so why lieabput that? to at fist it seemed like she wasnt important but now they are spending a lot I time together I there still hope?
  • Syms: She also just got out of a long term relationship spits like they are rebounding of each other and her ex is still involed causing dramma is this most likely to fail?
  • vik: I broke up with my girlfriend 6 months ago it was a mutual break up we both agreed it was not the right time for a relationship as there was a lot going on in our life we had been dating 4-5 months between that and we were in love. 2 months after our break up we started seeing eachother again but didnt get back together and this continued for 6 month we always got on great together and loved eachother but we never started a relationship. during this seeing eachother time i fell in love with her but she found someone new two month ago, i recently told her that i am in love with her and she said that she loves me but at the moment would like to try things with her new partner, while we try being friends again and try build our friendship and trust for eachother again and when the time is right she would like a relationship with me. im just wondering what is the best option shall i be her friend and work on our friendship which hurts more than anything because i love her but shes with someone else. or should i try no contact for a while and let her know its to painful and i need sometime away for myself to heal ? does it sound like i have a chance at getting her back ?. a response would be much appreciated thank you
  • Tim: @ Bollie. Thank you. Thorns is a nice guy and posting here through the months really helped. 2013, here we come!
  • Tim: @ Vik. Maintain no contact, as you are just a backup plan if her new man doesn’t work out. Very painful, but you are better than that. If you got back together it would just be a matter of time until she found someone else.
  • david: hey guys am David....its really hurts when you see your love gone and theres nothing you can do to get them back...i have once been in the shoes until i meet a love magician on the internet who helped me solve my problem and am very sure he will be able to help you out too if u need his help...you can gethim through ‘ <email> '’....David
  • Djordan: 100% good advise! Only problem with me is that my ex and I have a child together and he’s only 2 and a half
  • htho: Hi Thorn, I like your philosophy. Yes I used to grieve and very emotional. I used to make some mistakes, but it’s normal as we are human being as you said. But I feel stronger now caused as you said what did not kill you will make you stronger. I used to devote all my love, life and myself to the relationship, the very Asian style as what I am. I was happy when he smiled and cried when he was unhappy. I did not have a life when I had that relationship. I even sacrificed my job and got my two children into it to make a happy family for him. So my children and I lived the life he wanted us to live. He has no children and at first he was very happy to be part of our family. He was very generous to us, provided financial support, did well his part as a husband and father. We all tried hard to build a happy life. I said "trying hard" caused he wanted us to have a good life style. I still struggled with Financial Separation with my ex-husband, child arrangement and divorce. I also lost my job when we were together. My children learnt manner and adjust their behaviour as he wanted. I am a good looking mother, two beautiful boys of 7 and 9. I am an excellent cook, affectionate and hard working. I thought we will all keep trying until we solved the entire problem and make a perfect and happy life as he wanted. But he suddenly pulled out and made an abrupt break-up after we went back from a long and luxury holiday in Asia at his cost. It was when I introduced him to my family in my country. He sold his house a few weeks before, expressed his anxiety during the trip as the kids were naughtier than what they were at home. While he was away on holiday, his mum moved his furniture and home appliances somewhere. Two days after he came back from our holiday, he just cleaned up his house for settlement. Then quit job the first day he is back to work, and started to stay in his mum’s place. I did not contact him on the first day after he left us with the excuse that he got depression and need some time on his own at mum. The next day he came to tell me that he is not any good for us and we are not good for him at the moment. That he could not enjoy the trip and feel anxiety. He should follow treatment to cure his psychological issue. So we can’t be together and let’s be friends and keep in touch. I was choked but let him go. We were in contact for 3 week for that I have no job and can’t be on my own feet with the kids. He and his mum tried to help me to get social welfare and legal help to deal with FSA and divorce. I sent him several emails and text messages about how to fix our minor issues to make our life together again better and easier, that he can stay out until I resolved all my issues. He never discussed our relationship in his reply, only encourage me to go on, guide me on how to solve my issues, apply for job, manage my money and get the kids ready for the new life.... We had once an emotional moment in one of our meetings when he came over to my place to get his belongings. We both cried a lot and he admitted that he tried (to be the father figure in the family) but failed. I understand that he never was a father and even he is still a mummy boy. In fact we all were very stressed with a lot of tension to do thing the perfect way he wanted. He became harder and harder to the boys and very critical and always wanted thing to be perfect. I worked hard, cooked three four meals a day, the boys tried hard to change themselves to have excellent manner and keep the house tidy and quiet. We are now feel relax without him, but we need the father role in the family. I am not on my feet yet but I am trying hard to get a job and rejected his financial support. I trained the kids to walk home from school in case I work far from home and can’t pick them from school. We got back to our routine that we had a year ago before I met him. I did not let my kids to see him again since he left. The two lovers may turn to friends (if you have no chance to get back together). But my kids accepted him as their father. So I think it’s weird for him to tell them to stay as friends. I always had mature communication with him after we broke up. But I think if he wouldn’t make an abrupt break up and give me some time to get a job and prepared for it, the break up would less painful for me. Maybe he was just too scared to face the breakup so got his mum to come and pick him up from work to her place without the courage to say goodbye to me and the kids. Anyway I feel stronger now. I am in low contact with him as I think I had done everything I can to bring him back. He had told me he will come with his brother to move the rest of his stuff. So I think he made up his mind so I will just leave him alone. Only I asked him two days ago not to let me and the kids see his car anywhere near the Thai massage shop. A few months ago he met a Thai girl there who owns the shop, a mid thirties and pretty. She drives a Lexus RX 350 which is very much his style and class. I had previously implied to him about my concern that he would see other girl if he kept coming to that place. He stopped coming there after about 10 visits. But I noticed he changed a lot since then, he became unhappy, unsatisfied with everything. He is not type of person who would listen to his wife. I always felt that there was something not right with him stopped having his massage there. I have the assumption that he was making himself eligible to see that girl. And he could not wait to come back to that place as he has a hot temper, can’t wait to make thing happened, and when he wants a girl, he should get her right away. That’s what has happened to me before. When we were together, I always told myself I may not be able to hold on to this relationship as it was too tiring to me. The daily cooking, the perfectionism, the boys being noisy and naughty which made him anxious. I am not sure if I want him back now, but the boys and I genuinely love him. I had a happy day today; I slept through the night last night without interruption by my tears and grief in my dream. I have a good job interview today. I get back to prayers and feel ease of mind when I prayed. I thank God to give me strength and peace to stand up on my feet again. Only I decided to devote my life to my children from now on without any relationship as I don’t want my kids to get hurt again. Thank you for your sharing. I admire you!
  • Ric: I thank you for this information and it is hard, really hard when you know that you truly Love the person with all your heart and they just block you from everything.
    I am trying, I workout everyday which helps make me feel better for the moment. But when I get home I am all alone again and cannot stop thinking how much I miss her and want her back. We did have a great relationship until my insecurities and request for her attention took over all my thoughts and emotions.
    Signed,
    Alone and miserable
  • saadi245: hylo guys ....my name is saad and i had been in a sucessful relationship of 5 years ....but suddenly things got worst .....my gf start love some1 else now ...in starting i begged her and pleading her to come back and things getting worst and she more involved to that new guy ......but whwn eva she talked to to me he always complaining his new bf ,,,she always mentioned that i she cant live with him forever .....because here i got the advantage that i belong to very rich faimly and that guy is from poor .....that was the reason my ex girl friend dont want to live with his ne bf forever .....she asked me to become her friend .....my ex always kept texting me even got anger when i changed my face book password ..even my ex didnt chaned her face book yet ..so what all those things indicate is she still have feelings for me ??? or may she sure that i cant leave her so thats why she taking me as granted because seh knew wid me her future is secure......plsssss help me what should i do ...???? should i used non contact rule but for how long ...cus i knew my ex will kept texting me in this procedure.....
  • Genieinabottle: Saad, I always hate to say hurtful things, and I want you to understand that what I’m about to say is meant with kindness and respect. In my opinion in stating that your ex-gf left you for a poor guy and won’t consider him as a long-term bf because he is poor and that you have an advantage BECAUSE you have money, you are not being realistic! Don’t you realize what you are saying here? You are saying that basically the ONLY reason your ex would take you back is because you have money!!! Do you REALLY want a woman who is a golddigger? Don’t you want to find a woman who loves you for yourself and who isn’t concerned about money? Money does not buy happiness, and, considering that she left you for a poor guy, doesn’t it make you wonder if she ever cared for you? My late husband married a woman who was only interested in his earning potential (he didn’t have money yet) but he was a lawyer. Then, she ran around on him and he had to divorce her. When I started dating him, he was between jobs and didn’t have much money. I had to work full-time and help HIM out at the beginning of our relationship. Later on, he found a good job and we had money. But, I didn’t marry him because he had money. I married him for love. He only found a high paying job later on. Don’t sell yourself short. You need to work on your self-image. I wouldn’t consider contacting this woman unless she demonstrates that she wants YOU and not your money!
  • saadi245: Genieinabottle thankx for lovely advise .....but the point is over here i knew i cant accept her cus she came back for secure future ....and love does not buy with money ......the reason i got from her for the breakup is that i was little borring ...in the beggining i attracted her alot with my ways ...but since last year we had a huge fight regularly ......that guy got the advantage.....because i was so possisve in the beggining not giving her space .........i knew my past mistakes .........but today i met her she told me that she need to sort out things she want tell all truth to his new bf ,because she always mentioned to his new bf that i was just a friend.......i just want to remind our old loved ....because i knew she loved me madly once .....so what should i do now......to get her back ...is she still love me???
  • Jacque: I dated a man for about a year then he asked me to come to his home after my not seeing him for 4 months. I thought we had not seen each other because there were two deaths in his family and he was still having financial problems with an ex live in of 20 years. Instead it was really because he said he was in love with a wealthy woman and me too so he said. I was devastated. Then a week later we saw each other again and he told me he loved me and wanted to take me on a trip and told me to put together a bucket list of things I wanted to do with him. That was the end of august last year. September he said he wanted to see me and missed me then two weeks later in Oct he told me I needed to move on. April first of this year I found out he is engaged. By now; June he is probably married. Sometimes people are just pathological liars and manipulators. I kept hoping I would hear from him again but have not. Sometimes there is no hope and we must move on and try to heal our devastated hearts. The difficult part is learning to trust again should we be fortunate enough to meet another love. I have tried to chalk it up as a learning experience and am now aware of red flags and potential toxic relationships. It is really really painful!
  • Airowin: My now ex Fiancé decided to start a relationship with a girl 5 to 6 years younger then him, He is 23 and i am 22 and he started a relationship with a 18 year old with the mind set of a 16 year old 2 months before he decided to step away from our relationship.
    He also put my life in danger just to break up by putting us in a close call car crash so he could move back to his home an get a better job so he could be with the 18 year old. He lied, cheated an used her as a rebound.
    This happened very recently an i cant seem to find peace for myself. Anger pain is not working because the hurt is still there. But i will read this an see where it gets me.
  • mili: I love a man for 5yrs & we wr in relationship till last month,he is in love with someother girl for past 3months nd its very hard to beleive it.i feel its all my fault coz i hv stoped the marriage 6months before,coz he was behaving so differently one month before marriage date.he dosnt want me to study further which is my only ambition to become a scientist.im now 26yrs.nd he is one yr elder.he is a marine engineer nd he wants me to come with him aftr marrige nd not 2 continue my phd.due to this we used argue nd he hurts me so much saying that he leaves me if i dint accept for what he says. he wanted me to be at his home nd not 2 go anywhere.so many times we hv not in communication inbetewn thes 4yrs.he comes back nd says sorry, nd sometimes i say sorry, nd we misundrstd each other.i couldnot able to leave coz he loves me so so much.but,i couldnt able 2 sacrifice him r my ambitin in my life.i wanted him 2 undrstnd me i hv tried so many times explainng hw much it means to me.he alwys listen nd wnt respond.he alwys says lev wl c aftr marge.aftr i canceld the marge on jan, he said aftr a month dat he s in relatnshp,but i dnt belve nd i said u alwys wants me to becme jelus.i dnt trust, i ws still n love wt him.aftr a gap he cald me on june he cme he cried he begged nd said sorry for being in love wt someother girl. he said he has cheated me nd he cried so much.i juz askd y wud u love her juz wtn 3months, by forgtng d 5yrs love.what dos it mean.he said he alrdy informed me,nd she is kind nd soft thn u, she listens to me for watevr i say, sh wont argue lke u...nd he said dat i dint belve it. nd its my mistke he said.ds was the highest nd d hardest pain i ever had in my life.i feel its all my mistke nd i cme 2 knw he wl nevr undrstnd or supports for anythng.i juz let him go dat day.i said if ur happy its k, he told me 2 happy getng anothr guy.i juz cried simply.aftr he left i couldnt able 2 bare d pain, still i couldnt able 2 stop my tears, everyday evryngt feel lke im had been selfsh so i missed him.he cald me a few days b4 nd said he will be contactng me smetime.i said i dnt wana talk 2u, be wt her live happily.he said im his first gf so i cnt able 2 lev u,he said he will marry her only. he dosnt evn knw hw much it hurts me.i cried so much nd i ws quiet i said i will, wen evr u want coz i juz want 2 hear his voice till i die.but today he talkd abt her 2 me, nd i couldnt contrl,nd my head is paing so much nd its heavy.i thnk im gng mad. dont knw wat 2 do.i hv applied 4 my further studies bt still couldnt able 2 concentrt proprly.i feel relaxd wen he calls,bt latr i cry so much.nd i wait for his mesg evry mint evry day. i knw wat im dng is wrng, i shudnt interfr btwn him nd dat girl.bt.......stl its beating dat he loves me so much he wl cme back, wt so much of hurtngs nd pain.
  • Girlie: Thankyou. A highly recommended article. Well I am in the calm and peaceful phase now, dont think about him much, its still rocky but I am finally believing now that I will be ok without him.
  • Chris: That was one of the best articles I have ever read! It gives me hope in the future. Very inspirational words!!
    Thank you
  • LoveJunkie: Hello.
    I think you gave some OUTSTANDING advice in this article. You spoke to everything I am feeling and everything I have done and experienced with my ex. By definition, I do believe my ex is rebounding(even though it has gone on for 8 months). We were together for four years, and broke up one year ago. There is still love in their voice when we speak, they are always happy to hear from me after a period of NC and just yesterday, they admitted to thinking about me. I am determined to take things slow, show my best self and continue to live life. If we get back together, then I know it was meant to be.
  • Jessik: Is this a rebound????
    Hello, please read my lengthy story , I Need advice !!!!!
    I have been trying to post my story anywhere because I would like input from people.
    Sorry for the confusion and thank you for respeonding
    I am ten months out of a ten yr relationship. It has been the most trying time of my life.
    I lived with my ex fiancé for 7 yrs. he proposed finally after being together for about 7 yrs. We met when we were 22 yrs old. I’m now 32.
    Last sept I left our home bc he wanted to break up. That whole summer he was very distant. I noticed that communication between him and his married coworker became more intense. To be honest I never thought much of it. She was married to a nice man. She is from the town we lived in( where my ex is from).She went to the same high school as my ex(she is 3 yrs older) and she has worked with my ex at his fathers very successful sports shop for 7 yrs on and off. I also never really liked her much. She was always so involved In Our issues. My ex woulD even sometimes complain about her! i dont know, she was never a theat to me. But last spring we saw her out with her husband and I thought since he was such a sweet man maybe she changed. Still, I Nver paid much mind to her. Over the summer he was texting her a lot and we would meet her and her husband out, or just run in to them. It started to become a lot!!
    At the end of the summer I found a telling text between them. He left his phone out and it showed the text. She told him she wanted more and he called her lover,etc. I melted and was in shock! I confronted them both and she apologized saying that her and her husband have a bond that can’t be broken but I still called her out and threatend to tell her husband, she quickly turned and called me crazy. I asked them to stop talking but found more emails between them but they denied it. I had to leave my home with just my bags. I Nver told her husband. I left feeling defeatted bc my ex became so distant. So I left across country. He eventually sent the rest of my clothes. Our goodbye was so awful, he called my family saying that I would be back in 2 weeks but two weeks passed and he didn’t want me back. I would be in touch with him and ask about her but he would never admit it. I eventually emailed her husband and family one day in a fit of despair because his store has a website and I saw them in pictures together. I told them about the text and my suspision. Overall, I’d given him the easiest breakup.... I was just angry because they called me crazy and I knew better. I couldn’t believe they were foo,Ing everyone.
    Anyway, I had a good job offer back home. LiterAlly right down the street from the home I was forced out of and two blocks from where he worked. I thought I would be strong enough. I went back in feb to live at my parents two towns from my new job, my old home, and his work. We were in touch. I saw him a a total of ten times and four of those times we planned to meet to talk but each time he initiated sex and I gave in. I always asked about her but he wouldn’t admitt it to me. He’d say things like " if I told u what happened u wouldn’t talk to me" or " her and I are really good friends" I missed him so much I gave in and I cried each time after. I wanted to go home w him back to our bed with him. He is the only person I’ve been with in 11 yrs. it was devastating to feel used by a person I shared a home with and loved. He used me.
    About two months ago I left across country again. It was too hard to be there and see him. He wasn’t asking for me bAck. I did see him 2 weeks before I left Nd he imitated sex. He was ravenous about it. I asked about her and why he was doing this and he said nothing about her and told me "he wants what he wants" then we had sex. I had to leave...
    I had been here, across country for about month without word from him and he finally called and left a message about my mail and the cable bill in my name. I had taken care of my mail months ago, he was at that point receiving junk mail. I waited to call him for 2 days and when I did he mentioned nothing about mail and was saying stuff like- I should enjoy being single. He told me he is stuck there. He asked if I met anyone. I guess he was just seeing where I was . I called him again the next day about the cable bc I had to see when he wanted me to go through with the change and if it would shut his tv off. With that convo he asked me if I missed having sex and **** with him. He asked what I missed about us. It sounded as if he wanted phone sex. I got so hurt by that because he at this point he was so cold to what he put me through and the heartache he caused.
    So, I took a chance and emailed the girl I suspected he was having an affair with in sept.
    I told her I wasn’t sure what their relationship is but she should know that I had sex with him and what he was asking me during our most recent convo.
    The return response from him through email ( bc I blocked his num from my phone) was that I’m a piece of **** . Then I got an email that him and her are in love, and I need to let him have it ...That they love each other. Mind u, he contacted me and aske me vulgar guestions. This was the first time in all the time we broke up that he admitted it to me... After I told on him. I had no idea how serious they were.
    Come to find out... She just completed her divorce from her husband. She had been staying in my bed a month after I left my home and eventually moved in . How could a woman do that? So those times we were having sex she was in my home waiting for him ???
    He told me they fell in love in oct. I went back in feb and he initiated sex.
    Now they moved out of my home. He blocked me from fb because he decided to post a pic of them together . All of the sudden he is so in love?!
    I’m so upset and hurt. They seem as if they’re so I love now, after I told her he was w me.
    Message history
  • Alexander Bak: Thanks alot for the post! its been 4 mounths since my girlfriend broke up with at a party.. It has been an everyday hell, i find myself thinking about her every single day.
    she has gotten back with one of her ex boyfriends a couple of weeks ago and i kinda hope its a rebound.
    Im not chasing her anymore or even speaking/writing with her, but she hasnt deleted me on facebook, and liked my status when i told my dad died last mounth.
    I really love her, had she asked then i woulde split the world in half, been i also see that if i really trully love her, i most be able to let her go.. Even though it hurts like a rusty knife to the nerves..
    I hope one day i will be with her again, because she changed my life to the better!
    But until then, im just keeping myself out of her life and if she ever writes to me to talk about someting happend in her life, i would be more than happy to talk to her.
    Im just living my life as good as i can without her, hopeing one day she will remember the good memories we have and the good times we used to share, and that things for once in my life will turn good and stay good for real, instead of turning to ****..
    Again thanks alot for the post, it really helped my situation!
    Best of luck to all of you who are reading this!!
  • dellauk:

    Why Your Boyfriend Left You… / Why Men Leave Relationships / Exposed: The TRUTH behind why your boyfriend left you. Did you know that in 86% of relationships, when the man breaks up with the woman, he does NOT tell her the real reason? Chances are, your ex wasn’t honest with you about why he “fell out of love” with you. But the good news is, there’s a simple 3-step process you can follow to get him back... To make him want to hold you in his arms again, and tell you honestly that this time, he’s not going to leave... To make him FORGET about dating other women... And to forgive you for all the things you think that you’ve done wrong. Regardless of what he told you during the breakup… Regardless of how hopeless the situation seems right now… Regardless of how “ugly” the breakup was, and the hurtful things that were said... There is always a way to make amends. Because at the end of the day, everyone deserves a second chance. But you have to understand, what you do next is critically important. It’s going to determine whether this relationship is going to get back on track (and be stronger and more passionate than ever)... Or if he’s going to find someone NEW and forget all of the wonderful times you shared with him. I also need you to be aware, there are 7 “Deadly Mistakes” that most women make when they’re trying to work things about with their ex... You’re probably making at least one of these mistakes right now, and if so, it’s only going to PUSH him farther away and ruin your chances of ever patching things up...

  • CELINA: YOU ARE APPRECIATED,I am CELINA from Canada i just want to thank Dr Okoro of <email> for all he did for me...for really taking his time to cast that brought my ex lover back to me[ALBERT] we are both married with kids and we are very much happier than never before what more can i say rather than to say a very big thanks i am everything i am today because of Dr Okoro i am grateful unto YOU spiritual Doc His email <email> for marital and relationship problem.
  • Yolanda: thank you, this was really up lifting considering my situation! i have read alot of sites1 this one was really warm and confronting! my situation is, if’fy and i’m scared i have lost him because of a mistake! i know , he trule loves me and i him! i’m not sure of this rerbound relationship he’s in! but he was paying my bills and making sure i had what i needed! he would , say and do all the right things! and at the end of the day! he would say until he comes come! i feel like a fool for hoping! but , we went through alot of storms and holidays and grand kids toghter! Six yrs and now this! i just wonder ,what control does she have!thier relationship is based on a lie and it staretd that way! should, i move on or wait for my soul mate!
    mrs crushed
  • ashley: My ex bf broke up with me over a month ago. We were together for over 7 yrs and we have a 4 year old child together. A week or so after he started dating someone. And he even quit his job to go work with her. He told me that they love each other already and they have only been dating a few weeks. Not many people know about his new gf as he hasnt been tellung anyone but me about her. No one has met her or seen them together. How do I know if this is a rebound reltionship and what should I do to get him back? He has basically cut our child out of his life too.
  • angie: I’m in a situation right now where my ex (the dumper) has already moved on, not even a month out of our relationship, to a new girl who is just too good to be true. He says everything he did wrong with me he’s going to do right with her. He says he isn’t in love with me anymore (we were together for over a year and a half) and she has so many qualities he’s looking for in a girl. I’m scared they will end up getting married. I don’t want this!! What is your insight on a situation like this???
  • Bollie: Dear Angie
    Of course his new girlfriend has all the qualities he wants in a girl, that is because he doesn’t know her well enough yet, she is new and fun but with time all that will change. It’s time to re-invent yourself, follow all the rules this website offers they do work. Get fit, go shopping and buy some new clothes & shoes. Get your hair coloured & styled, new make up is always a treat and get yourself out and about. The only thing I will say is this website says no contact, I beg to differ. I recommend sporadic contact, you don’t want him to forget you, you want him to know you still exist, but any contact should be simply polite conversation asking how his friends are is a sweet way of reminding him u were once part of his life without making it obvious.
    Funny thing is you will make yourself look a million dollars to win him back, but the chances are in the process you will attract other equally dynamic attractive men, so following this website is never a waste of time and will not lead to heartbreak as long as u can keep your mind open to all that life has to offer, it will get u the happy ending you crave but it just can’t guarantee you who with...
  • Angie: I want to believe that she is just new and fun. But I’m scared things will work out for them and she is a rebound like I’m hoping she is. I want to get out and do things but I just can’t force myself I get too sad. He said he still cares about me and wants to hear from me but lately he’s been acting like a ****. I’m the one who has to get a hold of him. It’s like he’s too into his new girl to even care about me anymore. I just can’t let him go we were going to get married. I can’t sleep and the thought of them just consumes every thought I have. I can’t even think about myself seeing someone new it doesn’t feel right. I want him.
  • sav: dude, you have a really good insight on things , and all what you said makes a lot of sense, perfect sense actually. it sure helped me today. being going through a rough patch. anyway much appreciated. keep up the good work :)
  • Bollie: Dear Ange
    It was presumptuous of me to suggest getting out and about meeting people. You are grieving and rightly so, you probably feel numb and everything is an effort. So maybe for now abandon the idea of getting out and about, and allow yourself time to feel glum, but please still book the hair salon, book a massage, get a manicure and buy yourself an outfit or a pair of boots. You need to make yourself happy, because their isn’t someone doing that for you right now.
    All these treatments will make you feel a little less glum, love yourself sweetie cos you do need that right now. Plus it will get you out of the catatonic state that a broken heart has put you in.
    And please don’t torture yourself with the idea that he may go onto marry this woman, there is only a 50:50 chance of that happening, and you don’t need to burden yourself with worrying about something that hasn’t happened and may not happen.
    If you were a man I would be suggesting the same a hair cut, some new clothes, a massage, go for a swim. Put everything into grooming yourself even if you are not going out. Eventually when brushing your teeth in the mirror you will see this good looking reflection and then you will feel more inclined to get out the house and mix with your friends.
    Allowing yourself to stay in a post love zombie like state will mean everytime you look in the mirror you get confirmation as to why you should be hiding yourself away, do you get what Im saying.
    These small steps will soften the heartache you are feeling, I promise you. Its a process we have to go through when our hearts and dreams are broken by someone we love
    Thanks Sav Im glad I made your day better x
  • banshee:

    If my ex had a new girlfriend, I would pretty much take that as a signal that it was time for me to move on too. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t still grieve but it would remind me that I had a life too. I never kept tabs on exes so I never found out what happened to them later on, except for a few people on FB just giving the bare bones about what had happened to them in the last 30-40 years (married/divorced/kids/grandkids!, etc.)

  • Jatlu: My boyfriend of 4 years just recently told me that "he needs a break and needs to miss me" to see if we are what he wants.
    We live together and still do. It has been devastating to say the least and I cry daily. We have never fought, we enjoy each others company, our sex life is great. So needless to say when he told me this out of the blue I was floored. I suspect there is someone else in the wings but he tells me he just needs to be alone right now and think about things.
    He is helping me get an apartment across the street but that won’t be for another month. In the meantime we are still sleeping together and he still kisses me every morning before he leaves for work. I tell him this is nuts, we shouldn’t be breaking up that people would kill for a relationship like ours. He just keeps saying that he has to do this and that he knows it is probably a mistake but he needs to.
    I still think there is someone else. How long do I go NC on him when I leave? Do you think that there is a chance we will get back together?
  • Adrianna: Hi there I’ve been reading your articles a lot this week about trying to get an ex back. My ex and I broke up a month and a half ago and we were trying to work things out as singles and I know he was probably contacting someone else so he was very half hearted about working it out with me. Two weeks later he broke up with me for real and hasn’t tried to contact me since. I saw him having flirty, loving exchanges with his best friend’s friend on Instagram, and I think they might be together or perhaps having something on. When I texted him today about some stuff of his that were still with me, he was polite at most, but didnt express an interest to know how ive been doing. It’s hurtful because I was the only person he dated that he’s talked about marriage with and to see him moving on so quickly sucks. We were together for 8 months btw. Do you think I still have a chance with him?
  • Bollie: Hi,
    There is always a chance both of you will get your boyfriends back as long as you remain poised and full of grace. When you are heartbroken this is a difficult and exhausting way to behave. But if you want to leave the door open it’s the only way forward through this nightmare. There is more than likely someone else on the scene and if that is the case, he will be besotted and see her in rose tinted glasses. In 9 months time the glasses will start to slide off, so whilst you won’t get him back now don’t ruin your chances for next year...
    My advice further up the page remains the same look after yourself, keep your friends close to share the burden of your pain, and have sporadic "happy" contact with your ex. You don’t want to sound miserable, people don’t like to be made to feel guilty and it will only make him distance himself from you more. Be cheerful and understanding, no barbed comments.
    Good luck girls xx
    Sent from my iPhone. Remind him what a lovely man he is and hope she’s looking after you well. Then be off.
  • Marvin: Is it wrong to want your dumper ex to come crawling back so you can get the satisfaction of saying "no" and dumping them? I wonder how gratifying that would be? Just curious.
  • nerissavalen: uhmmm ur dumper ex boyfren is not worth fighting for....so leave him and move on ....don’t focus on him hoping he will come back or something..just enjoy urself and God will provide u a better guy hu will not hurt u....just wait
  • Nz chikidee: I was looking up this info for a friend and found that i have been here before. I infact went through a seperation and found strength to stay away from my ex and focus on myself. After nearly three months of seperation he began to try contacting me again. I ignored the texts etc at first then began to respond not giving much away as to my new life. This only made him wonder even more. Eventually we began to see eachother again and i realised he was impressed to see my progress with my new life. I had a new job and had lost weight to name a few. He wanted me to move back in but i woundnt budge. So after some time he ended up asking me to marry him!. I did not say yes at first but we are engaged and happy now. This is somone who to begin with broke up with me!!, Funny how strengthening myself for myself had this outcome.
  • KK: So I dated this girl for 3 yrs and we broke up almost a year ago, but lived together still until about a month ago. Now she is in a relationship and she wanted to be friends after I told her I think its best not to talk. She got all sad and I felt bad and agreed to be friends. So I met with her one night and I was drunk and punched her new person in the face and told him not to hurt her. Now she has officially agreed to not talk. Do I still have a chance with her after I have done almost all of the "dont’s" on multiple occasions? And is this a rebound relationship? They also work together.
  • Bollie: Dear KK
    Sure you still have a chance, she was probably shocked by your outburst for although many men would feel the same as you about their ex’s new man, most wouldn’t have the balls to punch the guy ...
    The no contact is because of her boyfriend she is putting his feelings first, she has to, it would be unfair not to, imagine it was the other way round and she punched your new woman, no matter how flattered you would have felt by her passionate display you wouldn’t be able to see her, it would not be fair on your girlfriend who is sporting a black eye on your behalf...
    But don’t despair, this could have worked in your favour as you are now forbidden fruit and we all know what happened with Eve when left alone with the apple tree ...
    Take my advice, stay cheerful, get fit, get new clothes, if you see her just grin, don’t apologise about what happened & look weak, just laugh the incident off with that wasn’t one of my finest moments, keep your masculinity at all times, and always appear to look happy but pleased to see her too. Don’t contact her but if you know where she hangs out rock up in about 2 months time. Get a cool haircut and get out with your mates whether you want to or not. But above all remember it’s not over till the fat lady sings .... X
  • Paul: Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been broken up for 6 weeks; though it was an on and-off-relationship for nearly 4 months. The signs were there, I knew it was coming but it only made me more needy.
    I have bookmarked your page. As you have written, I will check back in every week or so to re-read this article of yours. I want her back and I know that there’s a rebound relationship for her on the way — she’s on dating sites and has been for 4 weeks.
    Your english is excellent, by the way.
  • Bollie: Cheers Paul, and good luck x
  • cindy: Hi,
    I was in a relationship with a boy for nearly a year but one fine day he said he can’t marry me due to different caste. Nearly for weeks he used to not contact me and when he used to meet me he used to love so much as there is no distance between us. Now he disappeared for 4days no contact at all whether he is here or gone out of city. He did not even wished me for friendship day . I dont know whether he is involved with other girl as i see him online late night but he never send me hello also. I don’t understood what to do. .. ;please help me out..
    Cindy
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Don’t be available to him whenever he wants to because it feels like he can get in contact with you anytime he wants.. Just be busy with your own things and create your own priorities... Clearly he has his own priorities. If you are a lower priority to him then he ain’t worth your time! ;) Just make yourself valuable and your time is valuable as well. Do not overthink every situation where you see him online at night.. focus on other things for the time being because you are making yourself crazy and you could see things which are not there.. This will create a bigger gap between the 2 of you...
  • Ruffciel: hi! good day.
    i would like to ask for an advice.
    me and ex we’ve been 3yrs & 10months together.
    then, suddenly one day my ex told me that he wanted us to be a friend.
    but, he never said the word break up.
    last june 22, 2014 we talked, and i asked him if he still love me he said yes.
    so, i told him i’m willing to wait for you, then it’s ok for him.
    3wks after i heard from a friend that his dating someone else,his colleague. and it hurts me a lot, because i waited him for almost 3wks then after all he found already a new girl.
    then, last july 27, 2014 we decide to talked again so that we can have our proper closure,
    so i asked him why,what happened to us. why we ended up like this? he told me that his already fall out of love for me. and i don’t know if it is really true?? because when he said those word he never look in my eyes and he just busy txting. 2 days after that talked he post there picture together as a primary picture in his fb, but because her mother told him to delete those picture as a respect to me. so he change again his prim. pix..until now he never post something about his new Gf. and we still have our pictures together in his fb, but some of our picture together he already deleted.and until now he still using the combination of our name as a user name. 1wk after our break up, we ended our communication. we didn’t txt each other, call or msg in fb. how do i know if he still love me? do you think we can have a chance to be together again? his parent’s want us to be together, they doesn’t like the new girl for him. his mother asked me if it is ok if they will talked there son so that we can fix our relationship. but i told her mother, i don’t want him to come back to me just because you tell him, i want him to realize that he still love me. that’s why he still want us to be together again.
    i don’t know if he still love me, or we can have a chance together someday. esp. his new girl,his colleague so they will see each other everyday. i hope you will give me an advice. because i really want us to be together again.
  • BaM: Ok well since summer has begun i have messed up really bad my girlfriend dumped me in May because of a couple of reason such as anger,telling her i would like to see her in certain types of clothes, and not being there for her. Well she started talking her bestfriend ex( her bestfriend dated him when they were little 7th grade ) .So now says she wants me to change ( fix my temper,anger and etc) so i told myself i will fix these problems and come back to see how things go but how can if there is someone else she is talking to possible even dating and she just doesnt want to tell me ? Its been 2 months since we broke up we spoke here and a there i begged and stuff to get her back she didnt move seem like she cared but then when i started to change she started to say "i miss you "i mean the the other boy knows about me so its like is he a rebound? Is she just filling the hole that i messed up at ? She told my friends hes better then me, and when my friends ask can u give me a second chance she says yes i will but then she changes the decision to "idk" i am wondering is confused about it?. For example i am taking anger management classes so i told her i have to go upstate for a while i may not have my phone she told me " dont do this , i am going miss you " i told her "this is the only way for me to atleast try to get you back " she started crying and now idk what to do or think i mean i am doing no contact until she hits me up i just started the other day so i just wanna know these questions
    (Her friends tell me to move on)
    (She told me move on because she happy but then does this so its like huh? what to do ?)
    And please easy with the harsh comments i was on another website earlier and people were just making me feel worst about myself
    1. Is he a rebound?
    2.Can i get her back?
    3.Will NC atleast make her miss me?
  • Martin: I am not english speaker, i am sorry. All of you are very strong, i read all the comments and article... but... after two months i found out that my ex-gf has new photos with new guy... i am in shock, i’m thinking suicidal, it freaking hurts... she said... "she needs time, she doesn’t want anybody for a long time" yet after two months she uploaded new photos with some guy, smiling... well i concacted her via SMS, i wrote that it’s good for her and i hope she will be happy, but i am dead inside. She’s ignoring me for a long time and i am struggling with no concact, it’s hard...
  • Bollie: Dear BaM
    No harsh comments as I think you are correct she sounds very confused. Love is like a game of Chess one wrong move and it’s all over . I think you are in a position where you have to think carefully about your next move...
    A) it’s not a rebound relationship, she’s fallen for this guy.
    B) yes you can get her back it’s very clear she still has feelings for you and doesn’t want to let you go fully.
    C) iDK this is the strategy party do you go up state and force her to make a move to get back together as you will be put of sight and she may worry that you will meet someone or...
    Moving away will give her the opportunity to put 100% in this new guy enabling her to fully move on.
    You are at 50:50 in this relationship & your next move will either push things in your favour or end it for now. The same can be said if you do nothing. I wish you luck
  • BaM: Dear Bollie
    Well alot has changed since i last posted here she is not dating the boy but she still texts me we flirt , we talk about marriage still we act like a couple ,but then when he comes she switches up i mean i have really been doing good i havent been eating the breadcrumbs i have just been seeing where they go . i have been more outgoing and been concentrating on myself .
    Me and her spoke last night the boy doesnt want her talking to me because i guess hes scared she will come back to me. i mean she tells me so many times i am happy, and **** in the past so why cant we just be friends lmaoo like she says she wants to be btw i dont initiate in anyway of being flirtatious she does then i just go along lol .Last night she even told me she doesnt want me to move on but then i should i am guessing she said it because she doesnt want me to be sad (but i am not anymore i have accepted everything) she even talks about she even cried yesterday when we started talking about marriage, and our child that we lost ( miscarriage) so should i fall back some more ?
  • Ronnell: I need ya advice. If you can helps it would be greatly appreciated.
  • Bollie: Dear BaM
    I think she doesn’t want you to move on not to stop you from being sad, but rather to keep all her options open. I cant tell you what is best for you move on or hang on, but please consider this...
    a) are you "in" love with her
    b) when you met was it instant chemistry?
    c) do you just want to kiss her all the time and lust after her?
    or
    do you miss her, miss the companionship, miss the love?
    This is important to consider in your next move as the latter you will find in the next woman you meet, but the former (a-c) comes round possibly every 10 years if your lucky. Chemistry is rare, its physical, unexplainable, that person somehow fills a need in yourself that makes you blind to all the bad stuff. If you have that chemistry with her then hang on, if you don’t, go look for it.. Good luck.
    Dear Ronnell
    Always happy to help
  • BaM: Dear bollie
    Thank you i will be taking all of that into someone else and maybe my ex high doubt it though but i have all those feelings for my ex which surprises me because of how emotional she attach still and ur right about the second option so i am going to vanish for a while from her to see how it goes and thanks as we speak i am talking to someone elae taking it slow hope it goes while and maybe in thw future my ex might come back but by then i maybe long gone
  • Ronnell: Dear bam, I just got off a good an bad relationship I’m 25 my girlfriends
    Is 26 we been together for 4 yrs. But it’s been a rough 4 yrs. I cheated because of insecurities early on in the relationship. But the last 2 yrs I haven’t cheated but I did break a few promises. Like communication, an I was putting work before her. So anyways the beginning of this yr she cheated on me an flirted with other guys Becuz she said she was tired of waiting on me. An I did change fully an was very committed every yr after I cheated I grew mentally. So anyways about a month ago she said she sees the change in me but she needs space an a break to let the hurt go an she also said she needs to find herself. Then it went to a break up. Sad to say she said it hurts her that she wants to find happiness but it’s hurting me in the process. It’s been almost 2 months we dnt really talk much... But she likes all my post on Facebook. But I think she’s moved on I can’t really tell I do not know for sure. I feel it in my heart she’s the one. I work, I’m doing great, I start school soon, I’m trying to date. But I miss her so much. An I want her back, but I feel she may be gone, she says she found someone an he makes her feel things she never felt an makes her see things she never seen. She could be saying that to make me jealous or she could b saying that cuz it’s true. I dnt know... What should I do?
  • BaM: Well i met with my counselor today she told me concentrate on yourself and not let them get the upperhead its up 2 u what do u want? do u want her back for the relationship or u just cant be lonely?Once u determine what u want back u will be able to move on dont give her the upper hand all i am hearing is like what she wants to do ur putting the responsibly into her hand we as dumpees have to learn to say no once we do we will get the relationship and favor back into our hands
  • Ronnell: So what should I do? I want her back. She tells me she misses me an I tell her I miss her.
  • Enakai: I’m at the stage now where i got my boyfriend back after a year and a half. A week into our new relationship he says he has something to tell me, that didn’t sound good. The whole time we were single he kept telling me he hasn’t been with anyone and that he still loves me just hurt and needs time and the future is unclear but maybe their could still be an us. Those words kept me true to him, i was the dumpee and still wanted a relationship with him so i did not get into a rebound or any type of relationship. I did however mess around but it hurt each time because it wasnt him =( What he had to tell me was that within the break we had so he could make a decision he did something with our good friend who caused our fights to begin with because he was always around and i was jealous that we couldnt even have a date alone without our friend being there. Yeah he was more of my boyfriend’s friend but we were like family and always around each other. Anyways because they messed around during the break my boyfriend was swallowed by quilt and left me the next day and then they started off in a new relationship and kept it secret. It all makes since now why the breakup happened and why he seemed ok while i was a destroyed mess. while i was crying and feeling an old part of me die he was having sex and a love story on the side. He could have chosen anyone in the world and it would have been easier for me to deal with but no he dated the one person i was afraid off the one person who I kept saying babe are you sure we’re ok your giving him way more attention then me. It was in my face the entire last 3 months of our relationship. Their fling ends a month later because my boyfriend started seeing me sexually then going back to him, ofcourse i didnt know this but the other guy did so they he said why are we even doing this and they broke it off. So he gets an entire year and a half to get over everything that happened and now gets back to me. and a week into our new relationship I find this out and i feel destroyed all over again. I break up with him out of anger/betrayal/and being deceived. 2 weeks go by and i calm down, the anger and sadness is still there, but so is the love i feel for him. Im highly disappointed and my esteem is really low our friend was a really good looking guy and really funny and i feel like i just cant compare to that.I figure if we can get over this then we can conquer anything the future would spit out. our love story is 10 years long and our relationship was 2 years. I love him but so many things are reminding me of his betrayal and i keep telling him its going to take awhile to trust him again. We continued with our relationship but im a bit nervous can my love for him erase the past that i just freshly found out about. I dont know what to do am I stupid for taking him back after i feel he betrayed me deeply? I also said if this is going to work then he cannot talk to our old friend that he secretly dated behind my back and he is having trouble understanding that.If I see them hanging out or talking its just going to unravel the forgetting im trying to do to make us work. Please any input or past experience in something similar please share this is soooooo important to me.
  • BaM: Move on ronnell dont not i repeat do not wait around. Or u will find urself thinking and hurting take breaking up with someone is reason she cant just play with that like it is good and ya she says she misses u mine use to say she misses me , cry, talking about marriage and she has a bf its just false hope that might not happen .
  • Bollie: Dear Ronnell
    I am sure you love your ex, but I agree with BaM move on and don’t look back. You have both cheated on each other which tells you that the relationship is not fulfilling enough no matter how much you love each other .
    When you cheat on someone it’s not about the physical act Ronnell its the emotional one, you were both willing to gamble your relationship at that precise moment. The adoration you had with each other, the trust... You may not have sacrificed the love, but you have lost the adoration and the trust and it will never be the same. Thus, you will both be searching for these things in someone else, which will lead to more heartache, cheating and disappointment .
    Move on honey, I know it hurts, we are creatures of habit, settled into a routine by our mothers from the moment we are born but its over, you will find what you are looking for in somewhere else
  • Bollie: Dear Enakai
    I think you already know the answer and it is bleak. You have a boyfriend that is in love with another man. From what I read he sounds like he’s been heterosexual up till now so that confirms how strong his feelings are for this other chap, to go against all protocols and all sensibilities and have sex with this man suggests you need to move on. There are many ways to win an ex back and I have dotted them throughout this link. But if a person has feelings for the same sex, then you must give it up as there is only heartbreak and sadness ahead if you don’t.
    You now have in your relationship deceit, denial and a man who lusts after his bestfriend... Is that not enough to tell you it’s doomed. I hope someone else responds, I am very sorry to tell you to give up and move on, you need to protect yourself, this sort of situation will destroy you if you don’t. There are plenty of more men out there, and if you feel there isn’t in your area, then move home to a place where there is. Good luck sweetie, you will get over this quicker than you think because it was a battle that was impossible to win, you haven’t let yourself down and you are probably the only person on here who is completely blameless on the relationship ending.
    Don’t allow yourself the false hope of fighting for this relationship, you will lose. Take care
  • Enakai: Im sorry I guess i didnt make my gender clear I am also Male. I got my boyfriend back He says he is sorry for the way it happened but the way he says that just seems to suggest he is sorry for the timing of it but not that it actually happened. I know we were fighting during that time but to break up with me and go with the one person i was jealous of and the person i was afraid of losing him too while my boyfriend was telling me not to worry its just a friendship. I feel so hurt he left with our closest friend. We are back together right now he is asleep next to me. He still considers this guy a best friend that their "relationship" didnt work out because he was still in love with me. I asked him in order to come back to me he needs to leave the best friend but that became a battle he keeps saying but hes my best friend i cant just ignore him and make him my enemy. he says they are just friends now for real but i have heard that before =/ and that whole situation brought down my self esteem but made me stronger. I dont know you guys, do you think its right what im asking? That to be with me he can no longer have the best friend as a best friend anymore?
  • antonia: Enakai responded:
    Im sorry I guess i didnt make my gender clear I am also
    Male. I got my boyfriend back He says he is sorry for the
    way it happened but the way he says that just seems to
    suggest he is sorry for the timing of it but not that it
    actually happened. I know we were fighting during that
    time but to break up with me and go with the one person
    i was jealous of and the person i was afraid of losing him
    too while my boyfriend was telling me not to worry its
    just a friendship. I feel so hurt he left with our closest
    friend. We are back together right now he is asleep next
    to me. He still considers this guy a best friend that their
    "relationship" didnt work out because he was still in love
    with me. I asked him in order to come back to me he
    needs to leave the best friend but that became a battle
    he keeps saying but hes my best friend i cant just ignore
    him and make him my enemy. he says they are just
    friends now for real but i have heard that before =/ and
    that whole situation brought down my self esteem but
    made me stronger. I dont know you guys, do you think
    its right what im asking? That to be with me he can no
    longer have the best friend as a best friend anymore?
    Add Your Own Comment:
  • bollie: Dear Enakai
    That makes such a difference, please IGNORE my previous response. Your boyfriends best friend is NOT your friend. How long do you think he has been working on your boyfriend to get him off you, and the moment you had a bust up seized his chance. Don’t be hard on your boyfriend he is a man not a priest and none of us live in glass houses.. I think his best friend has been working on him putting the seed of doubt into his mind about you for quite some time, this was not an act of impulse, this had been brewing for a long time.
    I actually don’t think your boyfriend betrayed you, his best friend did.
    Your initial response to get him as far away from his bestfriend is correct. How can he want to be your boyfriends best friend when he has been dumped by him. I can tell you how, he wants him back!!! And he will stop at nothing till he gets him, and will undermine you at every chance, hoping that you will keep bringing up his affair so that your relationship with him stops being fun and your boyfriend will want out once and for all, he is not going to want to be reminded of what he did or be put on one long lengthy guilt trip.
    Go and enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend, make it fun, do things so he will know he made the right choice choosing you, avoid arguments, and above all do not remind him of his indiscretion, the poor blokes been worked on for God knows how long. Most of all Trust your instincts, this "best friend has to go"!
    Say to your boyfriend you forgive him for everything, you will never hold his actions against him, its all in the past you want to move on with him be happy and have fun, and in order to do so, his best friend has to go.. The chap clearly wants more than friendship.
    Good luck
  • BaM: I am telling everyone here that u should attempt to move on because if u dont try or attempt u can’t heal u need to learn how to live without the person and who knows u may even find someone else better and then u will see why it didn’t work out like my ex that i though would never betray the eay she did led me on for about 4months even when we broke up she was feeding me false hope it doesnt lead anywhere but back to square one trust me dont let this be u learn to move on and live on ur own my ex got gigs (grass is greener syndrome) she had no soild reason to dump me we broke up because of a argument and my problem but people fail to realize everyone keeps hurt no matter what relationship their in they get hurt! U just choose who u want to stay with to endure the pain with but move on now because trust me i am talking to someone else as i type this and now i know why it never worked out i always though me and my ex were forever but it took the turn for the worst i would suggest NC for a while for the healing to being
  • Sunshine: Is your name Anthony or they call you Tony Aguilar?
  • ANONYMOUS: Call or Text Robinsonbuckler (+)1 971 (512-6745) he will solve your relationship problem and bring back your lover in 3 days...
  • Ronnell: idk if someone can help me if she already moved on.
  • Bollie: Dear Ronnell, there is so much hurt in the past between you and your girlfriend so please follow BaM’s advice. Move on, if either of you go back to eachother, it will only be temporary, just more pain to look forward to.
    good luck x
  • Osman: Thank you for the advice! It helped put a lot in perspective. It also helped me realize a lot of what I was doing wrong.
    I’m also sorry about your situation and hope that you one day find what you deserve!
  • anonmyous: Hi, great post ! I have a question.
    My exed dumped me 4 months ago, we were 4 years together, we were best friends and always had fun but at the last very months i took her for grunted and did some other critical mistake that hurted her. Any way she dumped me and start dating a idiot 18 years old boy, im 21 and shes 19.
    I know she still very in love with me. She still calls from blocked numbers to hear my voice and stuff.
    They seem very happy in instgram .. Yada yada i found out she still would have die for me and crys about me.
    Im in NC with her for 2 months know, i did made some of the mistakes at the begging like beg, cry and more but i stopped it all .
    The problem is, i told her i dont want any connect with her, she sent me a message 3 weeks ago saying shes is sorry about her behavior when she dumped me , and she knows we both "moved on" but ill always be in her heart.
    I didnt answered then she asked me to answer anything, i said "i dont want to talk with you." she said i understand.
    Im still in NC since, i blocked her facebook and instgram yesterday and deleted our photos because i couldent stand the pain seeing her with him...
    Shall i just keep NC and go on with my life? Or so i need fix something before that? I must say she told me 2 months ago a stupid sentence " i know its unfair of ne to say, but im sure will get back together someday.."
  • banshee: An ex’s getting a new girlfriend never made him more attractive to me. It actually made it easier to get over him since it made me realize that the door was closed. So it kind of pushed me into moving on.
  • velvet: I like this blog, I have been in relationships where I was pursued by my exes after we broke up and they dated someone then they broke up. I hesitantly gave them another chance thinking of the old cliche, "When you let something go if it comes back to you it’s yours." Well, neither one of them was mine and the things that caused our first relationship to end, inevitably caused the break up again. I would advise anyone to learn from your mistakes and sometimes things don’t work out between two people.
  • vedroo: So me and my ex were together for 5 years..for the first 2 years from 2009 to 2010 we were long distant. she had broken up with me 2 times within this long disrance and the first time was for her ex that she was with for like 4 years or something and things were probably rocky with them or something. i didnt have strong feelings for her then so i didnt bother texting or calling her but she started begging back a few weeks later i took her back. 2nd time she left me was for some new guy that lasted for 2 weeks or so cuz i started talking to this girl that was super hot but she broke down and left her new guy and was begging for me. i told her only if she moved here to be with me would i want to be with her. and she ended up moving here left her parents house from 6 hours away. she probably felt that was the only way for her to keep me since she saw i was capable of getting another girl just as hot if not hotter. My gut feeling told me something wasnt right with her shed claim to be such a goody goody girl only slept with 2 guys before me and they were long term boyfriends and she was very smart in school so she made me believe she was such a good girl to be with and thats kind of what made me fall hard for her. we did visit each other like only 10 times altogether in those 2 years and we would alternate her coming here 5 times and me coming there. I didnt really think she was going to go through with moving since she flaked out on me the first time she was supposed to until she told me she was on her way. She moves in with me in my parents house and for the first year or so i was really not trusting her much because of her ex and the other guy and what not so at times when id stay up watching tv and she was sleeping i would look through her phone and laptop just to try to find anything and i found something on her laptop like saved texts between her and her girlfriend and my ex texted her something like look at that guy sitting across from us he is so hot or something and we were together at this tim and when i saw that i freaked out and woke her up right away and argued for days about it but she sweet talked her way out of that one as well.its like i was just looking for anything to bust her on. During this time i started drinking alcohol very heavily and i was obsessed with trying to bust her all the time. Its like i loved her so much and still couldnt see her doing those things to me so at times the thoughts would just pop up in my head and drive me crazy and alcohol made me not think about it so i was drinking everyday. We still had great moments together and at times were like best friends and we did everything together but i still drank. we were so in love or so i thought. We did everything together shared secrets all kinds of stuff. We would visit her parents when we could and she visited them one time alone and after we broke up in 2013 thats when i heard a rumor that she slept with her ex when she went to visit her folks in the summer of 2011 for about a week. never knew about it when we were together i would have broken it off ended the relationship but in the mean time idk anything thats going on and she came back from visiting them like nothing happened and i had no idea. Wed have our little fights here and there but never did i assume she would cheat or anything like that she presented herself as such an innocent girl in front of me and always knew exactly what to say to me i pretty much just started thinking that she was too good of a girl to ever do anything wrong to me even though she had left me twice in the past for her ex and another new guy. She eventually started arguing with me about me drinking. After 2 years of living with my folks she ends up getting pregnant and gives birth to my son on august 29 2012. Right after he was born we moved into an apartment together but i was still drinking heavily and now she really started yelling at me for it and starting arguments out of nowhere. This led me to hiding it from her by staying up in the living room never going to bed with her because id be passed out drunk on the couch. somehow she met and started to hang out with a few girls that i knew and these girls were not the best of girls and were known to cheat on guys go out drink and all kinds of stuff. She started to go out with them every weekend but for some reason it didnt bother me i looked at it as a way for me to get drunk without getting yelled at. So the day came and we got into a huge argument about me drinking and i ended up telling her i didnt want to be with her anymore and all this stuff and i tried taking my boy with me but she threatened calling the police on me so i ended storming out of the apartment and going back to my parents house. We didnt talk at all for the next two weeks and then i come to find out she was hanging out with this guy used to go to school with that im sure her friends introduced her to and. I was really kind of heartbroken she would tell me they were just friends,and i felt worthless at the time and felt like it was all my fault. Then one of our mutual friends texts me and asks me if my ex texted me the other night because she was with her and they were hanging out and my ex was drunk. She said that she definitely saw the first two letters of who she was texting and that it was a dirty text of her saying i want you deep inside me right now. And it came to me instantly because her exes first two letters of his name are the same as mine. i was so broken and i dont even know how to even explain how i felt. I stormed over there and she actually admitted to texting him and she never admitted to anything before. I pretty much left right away i was so **** off. I really loved her and wanted to spend my life with her and everything was so hard to accept the whole time i was thinking that this was just a little break for us and id end up going back especially when we had a baby together. I texted her saying i want to come back home and she replied saying shes taking our kid and moving back home to her parents. I rushed over there and i was so emotionally damaged at this point i was begging her for our sons sake not to leave on my knees crying and begging her and she promised me that she will come back after i seek help and treatment and get sober and that she wouldnt find or be with anyone else and then eventually left taking my son with. Few weeks later i get a letter in the mail from the court saying shes putting a restraining on me. I didnt know what to think. we went to court and she got the restraining order and custody of our child and i only got visitation and through someone else and only if she says that its okay. It was the worst feeling i ever had in my life. I ended up getting sober and have been ever since we broke up. During the restrainjng order she would text me but barely like once a month if that and i had my mom text her for me since i couldnt talk to he and she would tell ny ex thT im in treatment and doing great and texted her even when i was all done and sober for about half a year she refused to come back. About 3 months after she moved from here she found a new guy that she was with. They weren’t even together for a month and she was telling him the stuff she used to tell me like i love you more than anything and how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She would say that they are together but they are not datin g for close to 1.5 years she was with this guy and not dating him i find that really weird. And as soon as he found someone else he left her but she ended up getting a new boyfriend within the same month and that’s her current boyfriend and they have been together for about 2 months and apparently shes already telling him i love you more than anything and all that. We have been broken up since march of 2013 about a year and ten months or so and ive only seen my son twice since then and she knows im sober now and in this time ive been asking her to be with me and then id give up hope and then id start doing it again and when im not texting her she would send me a text saying how much she missed me and all this other stuff having a dream that i died and how she doesnt know what she would do without me so i try talking to her only to get led on and played with. Its like shes playing these games with me on purpose and thats just how its been and Everything just hurt because while she was with these guys she would send me a text random texts makes me question everything we ever had and i feel like she never actually cared and loved me at all.
  • seb: Hi everyone,
    I am actually in the **** situation right now. My gf broke up with me 3 weeks ago to jumped into a new relationship with a guy she met 10 days before.
    She was actually living away abroad (me on one side of the world, she in the other side). the plan was for her to work there for a bit and come back to me.
    I have to say i was the dominant in the couple and we had several issues during our 2 years together. The main one been a cheating from my part, initializing a lack of trust of course. But we manage to get over that problem. However it came back straight to my face as a main reason for a break up.
    of course i was really shocked by her decision as i thought our relation was strong. I even told myself i was going to propose her when she would be back.
    So i jumped in the plane, traveled the world to win a back.
    She gave me 20 mn of her time with the new guy waiting in the car a little bit further down. She listened to me but said it was too late.
    So here i am now, on the other side of the world, alone.......writing those lines.
    Trying to cheer up myself by telling me i did all i could to get her back.
  • Colin:

    I think that your words are wise. I gave myself just over a year before I decided to ask another woman out. I have been with her for one year but have not shown the commitment she desires. After seeing my ex of ten years a few days ago for the first time I realised I still love her and that she still has my heart. Obviously I was not ready to date again and I will have to end this year old relationship as it is not fare on her! My heart hopes I will get back with my ex but my head says try and find the same feelings with someone else if possible ?

  • Ronnell: So me and my x girlfriend broke up 6 months ago. It was a lil messy. But hey things happen. She’s moved on imeadiately. But just the other day she text me saying she still loves me, I dnt know the future between me and her, and she misses me, she started crying during the conversation, we should catch up. These are all the things she said. But she also said she’s happy with her new relationship.
    I don’t know what to say or do. I haven’t contacted her or said anything she said shes been thinking about me. Can someone give me feedback or advice.
  • Osman: Call her. She could be happier with you. Or maybe she just misses you. Either way you have nothing to lose and maybe something to gain... Good luck!
  • rachella: I have the same problem too.. my ex for 1 year together has a new girfriend . He said to me that he wants to turn thr pages with me. But, when he knews that I start to seeing someone he starts to pull me back. He said that he wants to leave her for me and he cant live without me. But, his new gf found out that he has been text me etc.. she said to him to stop that and to cut contact with me. So, he said to me that he doesntw ant me back and he choose her over me ... I was really furious of why he choose her over me. But,he said that he still want us to meet up but he cant leave her. She is already 36 and has 1 kid while my ex just 25 year old and she is richer than me. he keeps said to me that he doesnt like to have sex with her and he prefer to do it with me. I just wondering if my ex still in rebound and he might left her for me ...
  • paul: I dnt what to do anymore, i got toguether w my ex 2 years ago after she has dump me n she when into a rebound relationship. Its been a rollercoaster especially w her drinking habit n taken a beating n verbal abuse. We have a son together n i been paying for all her bills till today even tho we dnt leave toguether anymore. Shes been playing w me making me to beleave that we wore on n off but it was all about the money!!! I dnt know i felt for her but today she show mw her thru. Colors. She told me that its my problem that i snt know how to b friends ......
  • Bolli: Dear Ronnell
    Call her, she clearly misses you so there must be a strong bond between. In order for either of you to move on you need to talk, you might found that neither of you truly want to move on, you are just upset with each other
  • Billion: Dear Rachella
    The best thing for you is to step back & read what you have written on this site, but imagine it’s not from you it’s from a woman asking for your help on a highly emotional situation....
    The boyfriend doesn’t come across as a nice man, does he? Certainly not worth fighting for.. Looking how he’s treating the woman he is with and the young child! As a woman we blame ourselves, but it’s only when you see them with another woman and they are disrespectful to her & sly that you realise, you were not the problem it was him.
    Hang onto a man that knows exactly what he wants & is in afraid to fight for it. They are like gold. Now start running your ex is a twit...
  • Ronnell: Boli if I can show you our text conversations. We text here an there. She tells me she’s happy with her new boyfriend and he has her heart. She tells me she loves me, and tell me she misses me, so it’s kind of messy. I honestly don’t know what to do or say. Because she has someone and been dating him for 6 months now. I love her. She has my heart. But idk what else to do. Should I fight or should I just leave it alone. We had a great relationship. it was rocky but the quality over quantity rule is in effect.
  • rachella: Thanks for your support billion .... It is difficult to deal with this at the moment because I still have feeling for him and he keep said that he still have feeling for me. I was seeing another man but he ruin it by saying he still love me etc but if he still love me then why he is so coward and can’t leave her. I know, I am not as rich as her at the moment because I still studying but ... If he loves me why he scared to sacrificed. When we were together for 1 year, he also never work and only leave with me. He also not even trying to finda job at all ... I just though he probably use this woman but how come this woman doesn’t even realised this ? He move in with her only 1 month after they get to know each other ....
  • Chrissy1378: This is the best article I have read on this situation. I am currently going through this and know first hand the despair that comes with losing someone that I was confident to be my soulmate. I have done exactly as you said and I am praying every day that your strategy will work out for me. Thank you for taking the time to write this.
  • Ronnell: Ok. It’s been months since the break up. I think of her I miss her. I still love her. But she’s moved on. She says she loves this new man. She moved on immediately after our break up... An she is with the dude now. So I feel as if I should move on also. 4 years of a roller coaster but we have had great times. But I guess I have to accept it for what it is... I’ve told her I still love her... An I told her I want her back but to no avail she believes things with him is so beautiful. So I’m happy for her. But for her to text me an say she misses me an still loves me an we don’t know what the future holds confused me. So I just don’t reach out or text or anything. So since she doesn’t talk to me I feel as if I should not hit her up. An jus let her be happy. Or am I wrong???
  • frank: my girl said she needs time to think about us?Me and her have been together for almost a good time and it felt as we know each other a lot believe me we were so good I made a mistake used her car was drinking in a bar and lost control of it point blank. I thought my relationship with her was over I was sad and devastating as she was too but we talked saw each other and she gave me a chance so I said ok I am going to change and I was but she had a family trip in which she was leaving in a week but we spent every day together like normal we talked laugh and discussed about our future and when we’re going to move and get married she arrived to peru we stood communicating like normal I love u etc baby like normal and then one day she hits me with the space and she needs her family after all this because she told her family the all situation of what happen. We’re both 30 years old already believe me I see her as my wife and my soul mate as she does too she came back yesterday I texted her saying if she’s okay she said yea I had order things for her that I had with me that came during her trip over there so I left them but all I received back was thanks for the stuff my main question is what should I Do should I just leave her alone let her think I’m am going back to school which was something she consider me to do a while back and in which I am happy for of course but can I do leave her alone ler think I don’t want to lose her she is everything for me she is the one I want to married.but I am scared after all what can ido?
    By how long should I just leave her alone then today felt as the worst day possible and idk how I’m going thru but I am.and I am starting school next month but my question is how can I show her my new things on my goals without bothering or calling her like how can I show it really? Please any answer just to help me go on ...
  • Bollie: Rachella
    In your own words this guy is using innocent women.. Do you really want someone as heartless as that in your life? You couldn’t possibly have children with him as he would make a dreadful father way too selfish to care for a crying baby or a needy child. He expects to be looked after and paid for, the writing is on the wall in terms of him looking after and paying the maintenance for you and his child.
    God has been kind to you, whilst you have been watching and waiting he has allowed you to see a mercenary side to this man. A Useless, gutless, leach like parasite.
    If he is great at sex and you think that’s what you will miss then go pay for a stud-like escort. The reason why I mention this, is regular men may not appeal to you right now as it involves emotions, starting again etc, and your emotionally overwrought you would be better with something more clinical, I know my idea sounds a little off the wall but hell it’s going to be a lot cheaper than supporting that twit, and the escort will be far more grateful and courteous (probably hoping for repeat business from an attractive woman)
    Whatever you choose to do keep your eyes open, see what he is like and imagine the hurt he is causing the other woman, remember the hurt he has caused you. People like that don’t discriminate, they hurt everybody, they suck out all the joy & happiness in a person and it can take years to recover.
    Good luck sweetie
  • Bollie: Frank
    I don’t understand your situation you had a car accident and now it’s over? Who was in the car?
    To be fair I drive a Jaguar XK, and I love it. If I lent it to a boyfriend, and he drove it **** and smashed it, it’s not just irresponsible, he could have killed someone with it! Furthermore it shows that he was selfish enough to not give a **** about something that was leant to him through kindness and was an object of sentimental value.
    It’s not the accident insurance claim / monetary expense that has put her off you, rather the 2 acts of complete selfishness :-
    1) potentially kill someone
    2) destroyed someone else’s property
    You gave her a glimpse of what your capable of, essentially you have allowed her to see the dark side of you, and based on that she is not going to forget it my love, I don’t think any woman on this site would.
    Best to move on and learn from your mistake, be more considerate of other peoples things, this may have cost you your relationship but just be grateful it didn’t cost you someone’s life..
    Good luck
  • frank: But Bollie , it was a mistake that I still repent it happen I was by self when this happen I didn’t mean to hurt her in that way or in a other way after all she forgave me of the incident the thing here is that her family his influenced her saying all these things to her in her mind how do u go by talking a fu tu re About us one day and the next day u need space bc it’s alot especially when her family knew I am not a bad person or nothing honestly it was a error I did and believe me I really do love her I am just scared that I am losing her bc of this
  • Bollie: Dear Frank
    I am so sorry for you then. That snapshot I wrote is probably what the family are filling her head with. Your best chance is to keep reminding her, what a terrible mistake you made and that’s not the sort of person you are, and to please not let that one action define you.
    Remind her of all good things you have done for her, for family & friends, for other people, for animals. If your list is short, then start making it bigger.
    The way to win her back is to do something good, and I don’t mean to her, but for someone else. I would get involved in a charity and I don’t mean a run for cancer. Maybe an animal charity, spending a few hours a week helping out feeding/walking them, or a soup action. You need to do something that benefits someone else whereby you have nothing to gain for it. Let this act define the man that you are/aim to be, and that will soon stop the chins wagging.
    Now go do something good, it will also make you feel better about yourself
    Good luck
  • frank: Thank you Bollie but I have a question how would she know let’s say if I do in which I am I start school next month in which it was something I wanted to tell her. But as u see I didn’t happen how can I prove to her that I am changing would it be posting it in fb or giving her space to think we just ended on Sunday our relationship face to face when she came back from her vacation in which of course her family already but all these things in her mind. Should I wait for her to miss me do the NC rule and see how that goes and just focus on my things the fact here is that I am scared in losing her bc I truly do love her and I do see her as my future wife I wish I could go back and fix this but I can’t and it hurts a lot just accepting this really...
  • Bolli: Nc is not a good defence don’t you think?
    Do something good for others and post on FB so she can see, stop thinking of yourself and show the world you are capable of thinking others.
    Sign up to serve at a local soup kitchen for the homeless on a Sunday evening. Then call her and let her know about how you are trying to change and what you are now involved in.
    All she can see is a 30yr old man who is going to college, and smashed up her car. Who is supporting you through college and how are you thanking them for it? Who paid for repairs on her car? You need to change sweetie and maybe this woman is your wake up call..
  • June: Hi is my ex in a rebound?
    We dated for 9months and when it was just us it was absolute bliss but we work together and this girl who works with us thought it would be good to mess with me and flirt with my ex throughout the whole of our relationhip bt my ex didnt do anything about it and said i was being silly....This got to me as it would any human and i ended up dumping him because of it.... After that we kept seeing each other and going on dates. At one point he asked if we could try again and that he was falling for me again bt changed his mind because he couldnt see me in his future as his wife and then we still carried on seeing each other as if we were still together. He told his mate that he wouldnt want to see me with any other man and he wouldnt go off with another woman and he finally said he doesnt care about his future because he loves me and only cares about that im right in front of him. Even though we were basically in denial, after the brakeup,about still being together and he will say we were just having sex, that wasnt the case it wasnt always sex. Just before new years he decided he didnt want to see me outside of work and as a normal person i panicked and acted kind of desperate which resulted in him blocking me off of everything and saying he has no feelings for me ...inside of work he was acting like nothing was wrong and lauging and joking with me, asking me about my life and what i was doing. In march i found out he was with this girl who was flirting with him (they had been friends 2 years before i started working there and got with him)... I had a massive arguement with his new gf who i dont getalong with anyway and now he doesnt even talk to me inside of work which is what i told him to do along time ago... If he doesnt want to know me outside of work then he can ignore me inside too... She told me that he doesnt care about me and never loved me and that he was seeing her behind my back, saying that he didnt wnt to be with me and how unhappy he was but he came back for more after I BROKE UP WITH HIM so i dont know what to believe...she is a really nasty person who would sink that low and lie just to get to me, she also said that everyone at work hates me and wants me gone so you can see how vile she is.
    iv read that the amount of time from the break up and the new relationship makes a difference to a rebound or not, so do i count the time that i broke up with him as the time he had to get over me and get a new gf or would it be just before new years and on wards.
    Also everyone at my work cant believe that they are together, they think it is a weird relationship and think its weird that they only got together now after as of today 3 years of knowing each other. They are planning to take a drive down south in the summer and i know people who are in a rebound tend to rush things to find intimacy and he also wants to take her to egypt next year which is what he wanted to do with me, we decided this almost half way through the relationship.
    We did argue alot in the relationship about how she was being with him and how much it bothered me and he would seem understanding sometimes but would let it proceed. We probably had 4 none serious arguments in the whole 9 months we were together that was not to do with her.
    I have also read that the ex would compare the old relationshipto the new one and you would have more of a chance it being a rebound if the previous relationship was good but we did argue alot about her when we were in work but when our days off came maybe once or twice a week everything would be how it was at the begining of the relationship again (the honeymoon period)
    I have asked my friends and they think its a rebound and that the girl is with him to get to me... Considering that he chose to not want anything to do with me and said he had no feelings though would that mean that their relationship is genuine?
    Please help i need some clarification
  • Bolli: Dear June
    God blessed us with not just 5 senses, but 6. And my dear your 6th sense was anything but silly, this woman that was poisoning your relationship with your boyfriend had one thing in mind and that was getting him.
    I am very sorry for you as I can read that you are very much in love with him. I think in his mind he has moved onto her and he has confirmed this by saying he does not see a future with you as his wife. As heartbreaking as it is to hear, you have to give the man some credit for his honesty. He clearly cares for you very much this on and off intimacy proves that, but that explains his attachment issues he has with you. Sadly it’s not love and it is something he will grow out of.
    This woman has a lot to live up to she must have been working on him for years. You have one of two choices walk away with your dignity in tact, or create the same turbulence to her relationship as she did to yours. May I take this opportunity to recommend you do the former idea. The reason being when we harm others we harm a bit of ourselves too, its going to be tough acting like nothing has happened, sweet and charming, full of joy de vivre, when you feel so broken inside.
    Good luck, you know there are some lovely men out there, you just need to heal and they will start appearing.
    Good luck
    X
  • june: Thank you Bolli, I knew i wasnt crazy and everyone at work could see how she was getting between us so i dont know why he couldnt. i think maybe he liked it. i just dont know what her reason for it was. Hes had relationships before me while he knew her but i guess she could affect me more because i work with her. He no longer talks to me at work so i feel like iv got him to hate me but im not sure. He might just be doing it because he finally got the message that i didnt want him to but the way he acts and his tone or looks seems like he hates me now So i dont think he cares for me at all. I dont think i would be able to throw turbulence into their relationship given i dont have contact with him in anyway and tbh it may just push him away further. My work colleagues/ friends ask me about how i feel from time to time and i can sit there for ages venting my feelings. Im not angry that hes moved on because that happens but its who hes moved onto. I seriously dont like her shes vile and a nasty person who has backstabbed some of her ‘closest’ friends. Im only 21 and my mom said that that kind of person will end up backstabbing all of her friends eventually. she has delt with grown women in their 40 the same as this girl and says she is the kind of person who doesnt like to be disliked. When i started at work i told her i didnt like her because of how fake she was with me. Never spoke to me until i got with my ex and then anything she said to me had to do with him. Im a strong believer in whats goes around comes around so i feel like shell get what she deserves but sometimes i do doubt whether it will happen because karma likes to take its time. I feel that my ex no longer cares for me even a little bit and thats is aiding his feelings for her and im afraid that his relationship will last when i know it shouldnt. dont get me wrong hes a spineless fool and can be quite vile himself when he wants to be ( generally when we argued he was very cold hearted and said nasty things that i would never have thought hed say... like you bore me or your a ***** etc) but he is a nice person an do sooo much better than someone as evil as her. I have told him that i dont want him as my boyfriend purely because hell do to me again what he has already done. My feelings for him are for the friend he was before we were together and thats the person i tried so hard to keep. We got close even in the short time we had known each other and decided to get together after we admitted we had feelings for each other and he has said before that our relationship was perfect to begin with which it was but that was until she got herself involved . yes i do still love him very much, sometimes when i see them i feel like i hate him very much, it just reminds me of what iv been put through. I want things to go back to the way they were before we were together and im afraid thats not going to happen ever, even a few years from now when everything has been left in the past. I dont know : / im trying to find a new job working with animals and get away from it all which is what i have always wanted to do, its very hard so i just have to grin and bare it while they go off and play happy families. I feel like i did something very bad for thia to happen to me i just dont know what that would be. Do you think his relationship is genuine then? Hes not the kind of person who is very sure of himself and his emotions do tend to flip back and forth.
    Thank you though for your reply was very helpful
  • Bolli: Hi June
    I think the relationship is genuine but I don’t think it is a lasting one.
    For them To be together they created deceipt and pain for someone else, this is not the building blocks of a good relationship, what the pair of them did to you will come back to haunt them, creating insecurities in each other, you don’t need to do anything they have done all the damage themselves.. You have more chance of meeting the Pope June than them having a "Happy Ever After"...
    What I don’t understand is what have you said to make him hate you, given that he is the perpetrator and you are the victim.
    Put it all in perspective and try and learn from it, you are only 21 and given the average career woman doesn’t marry till 30 means that you are going to have to kiss a few more frogs before you meet your handsome Prince and this guy sounds like your first frog!
  • june: Hi bolli, thats kind of good to hear that theyll eventually tear themselves apart. Trouble is i still have to work with them : /.
    Im not too sure myself, i have told him previously to not talk to me in work if he doesnt want anything to do with me outside of work but he didnt take that message in until i argued with his gf. now he acts like i dnt exist and makes snide comments. I used to think there was something still there which is why he still wanted me as a friend at work but now i dont.
    Dont think i want to kiss any other frogs ever just have the career part :)
  • Ritam Cristiano: quite inspiring
  • Troy: Hi all,
    I am new to this forum but have been reading a lot of your posts and they seem to help me out somewhat. I would love to hear your guys feedback about my situation.
    So I have been with my ex for almost 5 years, about a year and a half a go we separated and she moved to Denver from Arizona. We ended up still talking and decided that we wanted to be together again. I ended up moving to Denver a little over a year ago to be with her. Things were good at first and we always had a great time with each other. But the stress of a new city and not having a job at first made us just go into a boring day to day routine. Always, 3 months a go she decided that she was going to move into her moms and she was leaving me. I thought it was maybe for the best leading up to it but the last month, I kind of changed my mind and really knew that I wanted to be with her and tried to make it work. It was too late at that point. She moved out but we still ended up seeing each out like we couldn’t fully pull away from the situation. (I was always the one who gave a lot to the relationship and was always there for her. She seemed moody a lot of the times but i stood by her)
    We would still have fun with each other but nothing really sexual at this point. This went on for a few months and I would still try to work things out with her but she wasn’t on the same page. Then she would just go kind of cold on the texts and talking then she would want to hang out, it was like a back and forth battle that was always playing with my emotions. I guess I should of done no contact then but I always thought if I stay in her life things would work out. Last time we hung out was about 2 weeks ago and we went to a concert, had a great time, I slept over and I went to brunch with her the next day. I even made out with her before I left. Tried to text her something later that day and she went unresponsive again. Like ****, so much back and forth on what shes thinking. So I felt down again and felt very emotional. Conversations have been very quite since then and I’ve try to do NC but i seem to keep caving in. To make things worse, I got drunk on Saturday and ended up going to her house and her door was open and ended up sleeping in her bed and she never came home. Later I found out that she slept over at another guys house. YES I know, really creepy on my part. Well she wasn’t happy about that and I tried to make things right afterwards. Also, it needs to be noted that she doesn’t have much money and lives with her mom and she is using a lease car that is signed under my name. I’ve threatened to take a way the car in the past to try to separate myself totally but I can never fully get myself to do it bc I don’t want to leave her with no options. (she pays me monthly). So anyways I tried to be nice and take her/ my car into the shop today to get some recalls and the oil changed. Seemed like she was being responsive and I was just going to do this then go into no contact so I left things on a good term as her last thoughts about me for a while. When we met last night, things were fine and she even showed me some of her work stuff that she was doing. She brought her dog which I was close to and we talked for a few. I said I was sorry about Saturday and didn’t bring up the relationship at all.
    So then out of no where she blocks me on Facebook today, I still have her car and we are supposed to meet up later to trade back cars. So I text her about it and it kind of just goes into a tail spin, she seems so stressed and she blames me for a lot of it. During this whole thing, I have only tried to be nice and a good guy to her. Of course now I feel like **** again when I was finally coming to terms with what needed to be done..
    So I am wondering if I take away her car and totally cut ties with her? What am I supposed to do, I hate feeling like this but I don’t like to be disliked with no possibility of ever getting back together. Maybe it was a good thing she blocked me bc I always found myself looking at her page and obsessing over it. How do I get out of my own head, this has been going on for a while now and I guess hanging out here and there was a bad idea to begin with. And to make matters worse, I always think about her being with another guy.
    Thanks for listening to my long story, lol can we say drama..
  • franco: Wow troy I could imagine your pain I’m in the Same position with my ex but I totaled the car she had I am not proud of my mistakes but after the forgiveness thought everything would go away but from her part it didn’t and on top of that I had a dui case which happen prior to the car but then again for you my only option would be is if u go to youtube and look for coach corey wayne he has helped in many ways his videos also has a book in whi ch you could get it in barnes n nobles I wish you and your ex do get back and if u lasted for 5 years why u never pop the question maybe it’d something there in your fault there I would’ve for that long but mine situation is different to yours I only wish I could go back n never took her car and all this happening to me believe me it’s sucks especially of the person who you loved is not right there beside you really hurts a lot for me it does I hope with the info I gave could help you and actually hope u do get back with her man good luck
  • Troy: Franco, thanks for your note. I will check out Corey Wayne, thanks for the suggestion. That sucks, sounds like you were in a tough situation yourself. I hope you were able to pull through it. Yeah, that was part of the problem. She wanted the ring but I wasn’t able to do it last year without a job and now that I can, she doesn’t want it. She just always wanted something but never stepped up to the plate on her end and help or provided anything financially. I wish I could go back and do things differently but can’t change that now. I did end up meeting up with her last night because I had to trade back cars with her. We walked in the park and talked for a while and even got dinner. I know she does still care, and who knows maybe things will lead back to her in the future but i guess I have to do me for a while. Stay happy and focused my friends..
  • Bollie: Hello Troy
    I think her stress is because she cares for you and doesn’t want to hurt you and is having to lead a double life as a result.
    On the whole that is a good thing as it means with her caring there is a way back, so my advice would be to step back and give space, let her lead the life she wants without fear of upsetting you . Blocking you on Facebook is her way of hiding what may hurt you. I’m not saying go no contact but don’t do any of the calling or chasing, if you put any pressure on her or corner her it will back fire.
    You still have the "hope" card, be happy with that and give it till next summer before you use it..
    Good luck x
  • franco: Next summer a year for that would be best if he just finds somebody who will value him for the person who he is now instead of waiting I’m not saying it’s bad waiting but for a year after she did everything god knows what idk I wouldn’t my situation is still there Last time I spoke to my ex was thru fb msg after she unblock me and that was just for the money to help her with the car after everybody told me no **** her bc if she cared she would have been beside me instead she choose not to and left me alone for a mistake I did I have changed yea if she does not know that that’s for god eyes to know her friends that I have as mutual friends in fb could say the contrary bc they are single and they were ever since I was with her so u tell me what that could lead up to as I said troy yea the best is just think of yourself n don’t let nothing put u down believe me I know what u are going thru n myself I was going to lease a car for my ex thinking maybe it would changer her mind of me but then if she accepts what does that prove me she is a gold digger n her main concern was only for the money her family hates n she hates me which I don’t understand after she forgave me n after we were together before she made that trip that changer her all mind bc idk what her parents and family said to her
  • Martin: Hello I just wanted to ask if you are still giving advice?? Please let me know..
  • Bollie: Franco I’m not saying he should sit there and do nothing, of course he should go out and have fun and keep his mind open to whatever comes along. But he is clearly still in love with her so it will take awhile before he is in the right frame of mind to date someone new .
    Troy is better off just sticking close to his friends and family and go out with them till that feeling of loss has subsided.. Then who knows what may step in his path. Good luck Troy keep your chin up
  • Troy: Hi guys,
    Thanks for the response and kind words. Franco, I have been watching coach Corey video and I wish I would of watched them many months back. I have been chasing and pursuing along the whole way, many months now and of course it hasn’t helped. Should of figured! I’m usually not a super emotional person but have had more emotions then I could even count over the past 5 months. Like many others, I thought staying in her life would bring us back together.
    It’s just so weird, cause we were both crying, and she told me that she loved me when we hugged and said goodbye the other night like it was the last time we planned to see each other(I don’t know if shes just saying that bc it was emotional and she wanted me to feel good or what was going through her mind). I guess it was supposed to be a final closure but during the dinner we talked about how we were both in the dumps and wished we could just go home to a nice house and snuggle and watch tv. Or leave town and move and start fresh (but it was just day dreaming, I know these thoughts weren’t possible?) I know she is talking to other guys, but she isn’t super happy I don’t think as her life isn’t going as planned either as she is mad that shes living with her mom and still having to go out and such. Shes 27 and 29 btw. I guess I just have to continue on without talking to her for a while but again seemed like we had a good convo Tuesday night so it gives me mixed signals once again.
    Bollie theres no way I could wait a year. I am having a hard time waiting a day to see or talk to her and this has been going on for almost 4 months now, lol what is the matter with me. I thought I was ready to leave things as is after Tuesday but I’ve been still constantly thinking about her and hoping she will call or text.. I know it will get easier as the days go on but it’s just so weird bc I know deep down she wants to be with me but theres not a chance of that right now. I know I have to try to move on and date other people and if she comes back then I’ll have to see where I’m at. Do you all suggest no contact for a while after my Tuesday meet up?
    Thanks, Troy
  • franco: Hey troy at least u have a date n seeing her with mines she tries to avoided I kinda just told her the last things I felt in my heart n still nothing if u feel like u need to tell her something and she doesn’t realize then I think it’s time to move on even though I am not a fan of it bc I still believe in hope but I am just being blinded just like this girl who know from way back tells me everything n it’s hurts bc I want to think otherwise her birthday is on July 11 I want to get her a gift but don’t know how to approach her to give it n actually giver her back the memory box of things we had together every time I see it it hurts n just reminds me of the good times but what’s the point in living in the past if I want her in my present n future any suggestions on how to tell her all this especially by next week I have to give her money and basically that’s the only time I rarely see her it just hurts you know she changed I did too I’m just holding on a tread knowing I’m going to fall once it breaks...
  • Colin: Hi all,
    I’m wondering if you can help me please.
    So me and my girlfriend were in a relationship for a year and a couple of months which had some distance but no more than an hour. She broke up with me towards the end of May and although I tried briefly convincing her that we could work, I soon realised that I should just accept. I went into no contact for 2 weeks and in that space of time she had messaged me about 4 times; after the 2 weeks, I contacted her and she replied straight away. We went for coffee the week after and we had a good catchup for an hour or so; there was no awkwardness and she was laughing and smiling a lot, as though she was enjoying being in my company once again. She said she was happy to meet up again, and so we met up the next week and she suggested going to the cinema. Again, we had a great time and there was a lot of laughing and smiling. Then for the next few days after that she ignored my messages. I have no idea why, especially since we’d had two good meetings. Rather than pestering her too much, I decided to go into no contact again but this time for around 3 weeks just to give her more space. I’m currently on day 12 (so almost 2 weeks) and today I’ve found that she has a new boyfriend. She had uploaded a new profile picture and a guy had commented saying "beaut!".. i decided to check this guy’s page out and I found that she had commented on his new picture saying "love it!". I then saw that he was in a relationship and she had commented with a love heart and had liked all the comments that followed. I am 19 and she is 21; I saw that her new guy is also 21 and I presume that he is in the same city. I have read different pieces of advice from different sources and I know that I have to carry on with NC or LC and also that if we talk again, I have to be calm and accept it because I don’t want to push her away from me. I can move on and I can eventually be with someone else but I do want her back for all the good reasons of course.
    I have read up on rebounds and I would like to know if you think this new relationship could be a rebound. Although she was the dumper, I don’t feel that just under 2 months is enough for her to completely move on after a relationship of a full year and a couple of months. Furthermore, I don’t feel as though 3 weeks is enough for someone to get into a new and solid relationship after 2 meetings whereby she had no one else and she really enjoyed herself.
  • Tanya Pino: Thank u so much i been going through all of this and i even stalked and found out more than i wanted to in the short amount of time. I know it hurts tremendously but i am a lover n am very sensitive n yo see others get off on my pain kills me.
  • franco: Believe me I know what u are going through Tanya it is just a matter of time and patience just love yourself and pray bc good things happen towards what ppl do good I noticed that know after I found out of my ex it just puts me sad but happy that I am not with her bc she never valued of what I had to offer
  • Tanya: My ex lied to me about needing time for work n his kids. I was told i took to long to find us a place to live but i still wanted to see the real him n his children before rushing two families. Well long story short i went on vacation n found a pic of him with the new girl on vacation while he told me he was going for work. He now has moved in with this female in a month and a half. I sent a message n she said she had no idea but its her family now get over it dont be a stalker n that she is now gonna be adding a new edition... What all this like this in a short amount of time. Grant it they dated in high school for a short while because he cheated on her then too. What advice can u give me. Plz
  • Ozman: Tanya:
    This guy makes bad decisions. Why would you want to be with someone who makes bad decisions on impulse. I have a rule: Stupid people are way more harmful than evil ones.
    I left my last girlfriend for the same reason. She had a pattern of acting selfishly and impulsively. I was hurt for a year and am still dealing with the break up a little. But better now than in 20 years... Just saying.
  • Tanya: Ahh that sure hit the spot. You are absolutely right. It was a sad n hurtful way to end not give me the closure i needed to top it off this other female is not a sincere or decent person to see it as it is. Words n emotions hurt i know im taking it day by day and am bothered by his choices so suddenly.
  • ozman: It hurts, I know :( Betrayal is the worst feeling.
    You’ll be fine, I promise. You just don’t know it yet. There are amazing people out there waiting to meet you. Life will be more beautiful than ever. Be strong and be good to your self and stay the good person that you are. Don’t let this change you. ..
  • Helpfulness: Excellent point. My ex decided to breakup with me twice in a two year period and both times were to be with another person. I’m really hurt and the thought of them being happy and have been sexual active can sometimes get to much to me.
  • Tanya Pino: I dont understand the helpfulness...
  • Tanya: Thank u and u were so on point with it all in the do’s and don’t i see the entire process. Thank u for the words to understand and it is truly sad we are hurt by these simple minded selfish people. To really see how people can hurt others who love so much!
  • frank: Yet they move on with somebody bc what they need is affection or love but not by us but if not of still being wanted n which it shows I the true colors of that person
  • RidiculousOne: I talked my ex into slowing down her relationship with the co-worker she left me for lol. Yes, I am a dumba#$.
  • Kehv: @RidiculousOne
    Yes, slowing down their relationship is actually good for them so that wouldn’t help you. However, if she’s anything like my ex (I also tried to tell her to take things slow) she will do the exact opposite.
  • marry: i have a solution for all of u all ....
  • Kevehv: Ok let’s hear it haha
  • josh1234: I am not back with my ex, i still have the hope that one day in the future we cross paths again. I have not dated yet but my ex got with someone a few weeks after our breakup (4 year relationship) it was left open for a chance to work things out, but once she met this "guy" her thoughts about me changed. She just met the guy after our break up less than two months I’d say.. "She said that she Is so happy right now, he takes care of me, is there whenever I need him, will do anything to see me and make me happy, all the things you never ever did.." Of course it’s so untrue but she is writing everything off as it was not good..Im not obsessing over her, but i cant seem to get over how terrible she handled this. We have ot talked on the phone or met up in person since the break turned break up over 2 months ago.Everything was done thru text and we talked on the phone one time, but she would not see me in person, and still wont. I unfollowed her on social media to speed up the healing process. But my "best friend" and his girlfriend took my ex to a halloween party last weekend, messed up on my friends part right? but my ex changed her twitter profile from private to public for the first time ever... I saw her tagged in pictures on my newsfeed. Then a few days later she made it private again?! Also last night I saw her name pop up again! She keeps changing her Twitter to public, Why do you think she did that because i am at a loss for words the only thing I can come up with is for me to see her stuff? Because I don’t see why else she would need to make it public? She says she is so over and moved on and doesn’t care anymore but stuff like that tells a different story. What do you guys think about that? Am I looking into it too much or may I have a valid thought? I feel more happy as a person, one day hopefully she will reach out to me. If you could give me advice on that question it would be greatly appreciated! Also, do you believe that time brings people back together?! Maybe us not speaking for a few months or a year will get her to reach out, see me in a better light, and not so negative and writing me off as never being there for her... Thanks
  • Guest: Attention seeker....trying to get a rise out of you. Let her do what she’s going to do and don’t put energy or effort into trying to figure out why. Trust me, she’s not worth it
  • Kevehv: @Josh1234
    I don’t know why you broke up but I can tell you they always tell you they are so happy and that the new guy does everything for them. My ex dumped me 4 months ago after a 6 year relationship (out of the blue) she immediately got in a relationship with a colleague. She told me she could laugh with him and he was great and that he already had done more for her than I have in 6 years. It’s all **** to cover up for their guilt.
  • josh1234: Sounds exactly the same for me, we broke up because I took her for granted, was to comfortable in the relationship she asked for a break said she wanted me to change that she wasn’t throwing away our relationship but she wasn’t staying with me based off my word. A week or so later she did a complete 180, said there is no going back that she told me that she told me that at first which was not the case . I told her what she said about a month later and she was like well just because I said that doesn’t mean I feel that now.. Because the new guy I see why she said it.. Said there is no going back now or the future, has nothing left in her for me.. No **** you have a new guy already, what a slap in the face never thought she would give up and walk away without at least trying I mean 4 years why wouldn’t you? She jumped to a new guy over 4 years with me, never thought she would do that. We haven’t talked in a few weeks. We never sat down to talk things out, talked on the phone ONE time, everything was thru text... How effed up. Up until the last time we talked she wouldn’t talk on the phone nor meet up. Even our friends told her she needed to sit down with me. Kept getting mad said I can’t change that fast and I was putting on an act, nothing would change her mind.. I’m mad she try’s hanging with them it’s my best friend and his gf. She has few friends of her own so she try’s being around mine which isn’t right. She tells them how she misses the group we hung out with. You can’t give her the best of both worlds my friends and her new guy.. When was the last time you and your ex talked? Would you ever take her back if she came around?
  • Ozman: I went through the exact scenario as you. Identical!
    I had to travel for a few months and she just couldn’t keep it together while I was gone. She started seeing or hanging out with someone else and ended up a little too far. Never told me anything. We would still tell each other we loved each other every night. Until one day she called me and told me she wanted to break up just out of the blue. Knowing her and feeling the conviction in her voice, I asked her if she had started seeing someone else? Silence is all I got in response. I got my answer. I recounted our conversation from a month ago where she said she wanted to get married and asked her what happened. Complete silence. No acknowledgment or denial. Just silence.
    I’ve known a lot of guys over the years that cheat and I’ve known girls that do that as well.
    Not to condone or ever support such behavior, there is a clear difference between when guys do it and when girls do it.
    Guys will shamelessly go back to their woman and say that that’s who they love inspite of their infidelity.
    Girls on the other hand (most but not all) once they cheat in a moment of weakness or vulnerability, end up losing control and get fixated on the newness of the new guy and his smooth lines. Like trying on a new dress. They forget about all the time, effort and work that’s gone into the relationship. And years later they wonder why they are unhappy...
    Then again, Ive seen the opposite too in some cases.
    I guess it all comes down to who is more invested in the relationship and who is making more of the effort.
  • josh1234: Have you talked to your ex at all since? If so what’s been said? I don’t plan to contact her until she initiates it.. Will she I’m not sure? 4 years is a long time to never talk again.. The way it looks is a rebound she’s in, she cannot be alone she has very few friends so I feel this guy took the loneliness away.. My luck this is one of the few cases they stay together and I never hear from her again. Sad how close you were with someone and they act as you never existed. Seems as they care less about you when you once were everything to them.. Gut wrenching..
  • Kevehv: Josh1234: Don’t want to make you feel worse but your ex most likely had this guy lined up before she dumped you. Doesn’t mean she cheated on you but she probably knew this guy liked her already.
    My ex started missing me. Wanted to become my friend and things like that. I had a lot of contact with her untill 2 months after she dumped me. Obviously, I thought I could win her back but that didn’t work so whenever she reaches out just ignore her.
    She does think about you and compares you to the new guy and she will most likely reach out to you soon. Be careful how you react your best bet would be to ignore her how hard that may be. She can’t really miss you if she’s with someone else.
    My ex could not be alone either, that’s why I knew there was someone else. My ex also did not have many friends. The bad part about is that this new guy actually seems like a good guy and not just a loser...
  • Bollie: Hi Guys and particularly Ozman
    I do not wish to contradict you Ozman as I agree and support a lot of your advice. However you mentioned how men shamelessly go back to an ex they broke up with, yet women don’t return to their ex rather they get fixated on their new man. It’s not quite as cut and dry as that.
    Men have a far stronger primal instinct than women that can lead them into impulsive behaviour, knee **** reaction call it what you want, women do not have that. When a woman moves on generally it’s a decision that has taken along time to arrive at and when she makes that move it is final, I am really sorry to say that to you all. We don’t leave our partners because we fancy someone else, we leave our partners because over time we have fallen out of love with them, if someone else comes and she finds him charming it can be the carrot that gives the woman courage to break away from the security of a long term relationship and leap into the unknown.
    If you think back over the last 6 months of your relationship, how really good was it? What did you do or give to make her feel loved or special in those last few months. I hope this helps, it’s best to learn from this rather than cling onto a flower that has lost it’s bloom
  • Kevehv: @Bollie
    I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said. Yes women think about leaving for some time and if there’s someone else it makes it easier for them to leave, which also happened to me.
    I just don’t think it’s always final. I will not hold on to false hope but there are some people that do come back together.
    I do got a question for you though. Why do women act like everything is great before they decide to dump someone ?
    Before my ex dumped me everything was just great. We still did everything a couple should do together, we even talked about marriage 1 week before she dumped me. 2 weeks before the break up we had our 6th anniversary and she used my mobile to message my brother "I’m going to propose to her tonight" (like a joke). A few weeks before the breakup we made a photo collage of our best photo’s (Her initiative). Why do women do things like that if they are not happy ?
  • josh1234: Bollie keve-
    Keve how long have you been no contact with her?! Since you started ignoring her.
    Bollie- I agree to an extent.. Yes it’s deff comes months in advance we were up and down but it’s something relationships go through its about turning it around and making it better. Most girls that break up with their guy they have the gigs, they think this guy is so much better but it’s the unknown feeling and honeymoon stage. But that will fade and his flaws come out and the reason they leave us shows in him then they realize wow I had something great.. It sucks for us that this has to happen to realize it’s not always greener on the other side.. Sometimes it works out. But I’ve seen friends whose girls do this and they realize it’s not always better on the other side.
  • Ozman: @Bollie:
    Women are by no means above kneejerk behavior.
    Have you seen what two drinks can do to most girls when they go out and their significant other is not around? But that’s fine. We all make mistakes. But to wake up the next day and go back to that? So now you’re gonna tell me that the intent for that accident happening was probably subconsciously premeditated and that a long period of unhappiness leading to that night must have cause it... ? right?
  • Kevehv: @Josh1234
    Technically not that long. I haven’t seen her for 2,5 months but I had a small conversation with her last week. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do to respond but I will not initiate contact with her.
    Some women do come back at some point but the majority probably doesn’t, which is why you just need to move on. If they do come back it’s often when you have completely moved on. I do believe they know when you have moved on.
    If you have been together for a long time (years) you’ve created a bond which will not easily break.
    I’ll give you a few examples:
    When my ex secretly was on a date with the other guy (before she dumped me) I knew something was wrong, even though I did not have any proof.
    When I had a date with a cute girl I felt great and my ex messaged me that day (the girl eventually flaked one me though... hehe)
    A friend of mine had a girlfriend and he had a child with her. He cheated on her. The first time he cheated on her he came home and his girlfriend was awake. Apparently she had a dream and woke up and asked this friend of mine if he had cheated on her.
  • Bollie: Yes Ozman there are some lying deceitful and selfish women out there, but on behalf of the nice women out there I don’t think it’s them running off on an impulse.
    Without knowing your girlfriend it’s hard to say why she did what she did and why Josh girlfriend talked marriage a week before leaving him high and dry..
    There are good, beautiful and kind women out there, so you should all go find one, because the ones you are longing for don’t seem to fall into that category. They are causing you so much pain and don’t even care.
    Love is such a leap of faith it allows the other person to break your heart
  • josh1234: I believe they do come back once you moved on it’s like a sense they have. Look at small life small world blog Jen went through exactly what you’re saying.
    At least she reached out to you! But I would not respond anymore. Move on and let her sense it! She will know when you move on, she knows you’re not over her yet.. My ex hasn’t initiated contact with me but she has changed her Twitter to public that’s geared toward me for sure no other reason why she would but for me! Hang in there and she will sense it!
  • josh1234: Bollie: it comes down to the GIGS and our exes will realize it’s not always better with someone else.. The honeymoon stage will fade and the fights and flaws will come out way faster than our relationship and I know they will look back and regret what they did.. But some of course may work but it’s rare
  • Kevehv: @Josh1234
    IF they do come back it’s after the honeymoon stage and when you moved on, yes. However, it doesn’t mean they will try to come back 100%, if it was as clear as that no one would be afraid of an ex leaving and most people would still be together.
    So to increase the chance for them to come back:
    -Move on: put yourself on the pedestral, she’s not special, you are the greatest thing in your life. Try to forget all about her.
    -Improve yourself: Just do whatever to make you more attractive. Go to the gym, new haircut, new clothes. Finish your studies, try to get a better job. Build up your self-esteem and be positive.
  • josh1234: @kevehv
    Great advice hope youre using it as well! i have been hanging out with friends working out and finishing school etc. i do agree that they may not come back 100% but its almost a guarantee they will reach out to us. We have to play it cool dont be too open and available, we need to feel out there intention of reaching out to us and go from there. they need to be the ones to ask to hangout or try to work something out NOT US. I think at some point we will hear from them it may not be anytime soon but its a good chance it will happen! But she changed her profile to public AGAIN i just dont get it man...
    But tomorrow im going out for a beer with my buddy who went with his gf and my ex to that party im going to tell him how i felt about it and we will see what is said. Hopefully it doesnt get back to my ex because she will get satisfaction from my reaction and get more power .. Ill see what is said!
  • Kevehv: Girls talk so if she’s still a friend of your ex she WILL tell her. She’s probably just playing with you but if I were you I wouldn’t pay much attention to her profile, I wouldn’t even check her profile cause you might see things you don’t want to see.
    There simply isn’t anything you can do just continue your life. If she really love(s/d) you she will reach out eventually (and I don’t mean just to be friendly). You should go No Contact and forget about her. Don’t do No Contact to bring her back do it for you! As far as You know this relationship is over that should be your mindset: IT’S OVER. If she ever wants to come back in the future you deal with it but that could take 1 week, 6 months, 2 years or maybe even more! So don’t stop your life because of her, remember it’s not her who is missing, it’s you, you have to find yourself again.
    I am indeed trying to pick up the pieces and try to improve myself. I’m going to the gym, I have bought new clothes and read/watched a lot about positive thinking. There’s a lot I still need to improve upon.
    My self-esteem has taken a huge blow. Not only did my ex break my heart but replaced me with a guy who looks like me but is younger and has a better job. You know how it feels when your girlfriend chooses someone else over you ? Anyways, I try to improve my self-esteem with little successes and I try to do a study next to my job aswell. I will do everything I can but not for HER but for ME.
  • josh1234: They do talk but his girlfriend along with everyone else in our circle has been on my side with everything. They got in fights about it. But I agree if she really loved me and cared she will come around someday I won’t wait on it! I have been talking to other females but I’m very picky so I am looking for someone to have fun with maybe it will lead somewhere! But my ex not yours has seen us with another girl and if they say "it doesn’t bother them" we know it’s a lie. My ex ex left me for someone and as soon as I let her go stopped talking to her, she started reaching out like crazy, I ignored her and when I hung out with another girl she flipped out! Even though she had a guy she was "so happy with" their time will come to feel what we felt man!
    It does kill to see the girl you thought cared and loved you pick someone else over the history with you. Keep me updated! It’s been 3 weeks no contact for me and I will not break it!!
    I’m trying not to look at the profile but she knew I would look that’s why she did it I bet.. Sucks they act like they are doing so great and it doesn’t affect them. Their time will come.
  • Kevehv: I only been on a few dates and my ex hasn’t seen me with those girls. You can’t make it too obvious you do it to make her jealous. Also, I did not really like those girls so I won’t be going out with them anymore. You should go out with other girls because you want to, not to make your ex jealous. We will see how she reacts in the future if I’m with someone else.
    She picked someone else over me because she thought she could do better. Time will tell if she’s actually more happy now. I will keep you updated.
  • guest7: @Kevehv, you shouldn’t take it as a hit on your self-esteem, as much as, it’s a flaw in her character if she chose someone based on money over you. That is if you are being completely honest with yourself as to why you two broke up.
  • josh1234: @kevehv
    i dont want to do it to make her jealous but if she loved cared about us no matter how moved on or over you they claim to be it will hurt them to see you happy. it will get back to them or they will sense you are moving on and there is someone else.
    check out smalllifesmallworld how i got my ex back seriously. it is exactly what were going through and talking about! she went through what we are. she will respond to Tell me what you think, it gives you a positive outlook and hope!
    Also am i out of line to tell my best friend that i am upset and feel betrayed that he and his gf took my ex to that party? I just do not think she deserves the best of both worlds, my good friends and her new guy. I know she misses the group of friends she met thru me my best friends gf told me. But the way we are right now no way we can both be in the circle, they have known her for two years, i have known him my whole life pretty much and i met his gf about 8 years ago when they started dating in HS. I just dont want to ruin a friendship but what they did is not fair when they know how we ended and how wrong they thought she was for what she did... Thanks guys have a good night!
  • Kevehv: @Josh1234
    I’m sorry but I don’t know where to find that what you mentioned "smalllifesmallworld" ?
  • Bollie: @ Josh
    You are not wrong to want your bf to not take your ex to party. I doubt it was his idea probably his girlfriend who may have struck up a friendship with your ex as girls often do, but I think your mate should have put his foot down and said no and respected your feelings if his gf wanted to go with your ex she should have gone on her own.
    Good luck with the next chapter of your life x
  • josh1234: Small life slow life- I read it wrong!
    He does everything with her so I knew he would stay home. He sees where I’m coming from and he feels bad now but he doesn’t know what he can do with them being friends... I may have to just distance myself..
  • Kevehv: I can understand his friend. He doesn’t want to have trouble with his girlfriend for not allowing the other girl to come with them.
    @Josh1234
    Yes, I am starting to believe there is some truth in the "Letting go to bring him/her back".
    Still, that article has been written by a woman and it seems like men return more often, so it could be a coincidence aswell.
    Anyways, letting her go is the only thing you can do. You don’t have to completely forget about her but just focus on your own life, do your own things and have fun. By the time she may wants to come back you don’t really need her anymore and you can have a good (not emotional) conversation with her. If she never comes back you don’t care much anyways.
  • Bollie: Move on Josh, I know it’s hard and it may take a bit of time, you sound like a person that deserves so much better, don’t accept the breadcrumbs of love.
    It will never be the same if you got back together, your trust has been broken, she both hurt you and disappointed you, mourn the love you once had, because even if she returns that love you once had won’t .
    Chin up
  • Kevehv: Moving on is indeed the only way to go. You will eventually see things more clearly.
    I kept telling myself: What if she would call tomorrow to come back to me, how would that feel? Obviously, I can’t just take her back, there’s still too much emotion involved.
    I do however disagree with you Bollie that it can never be the same, some couples come out stronger than before but for that to happen you first need to get over her and move on.
    You need to completely forgive your ex-partner and trust that person again, which is really hard for most people that’s why it doesn’t work in most cases.
  • Guest: @keveh retread what Billie said.
  • josh1234: Yeah I agree we have to move on i want to trust her again I’ve tried to make things work, she would not sit down and talk to me in person how **** up. Had one phone call since the break turn break. She won’t give me the time of day. She says I was a terrible boyfriend just writing me off.. Even my buddy has told her what you have done is **** up and you jumped into a rebound.. It’s sad when you can wipe any good memory and only focus on the bad memory’s. Never thought she would leave me and hop in another relationship like she did, never giving me a chance to at least sit down and see if we can make it better like most couples in long term relationships SHOULD do. I think it’s going to crash and burn for her, I hope it does, karma will come back around it always does. Then she will think wow I dated Josh 4 years and he never did that to me, maybe I didn’t have it so bad. She hasn’t thought or done anything that rational since the break up.. But I think my buddy she tell his gf they need to hang in there own time. Not going to parties and concerts together. If his gf wants to hang out go hang out but not with the circle, go do girls day or something.. If he continues this idk if I’ll come around I told him that. Hope he realize what he did or will continue to is not right, and it will ruin our friendship.
  • Kevehv: Women are strange creatures but right after a breakup they become demons. They will only think about the bad things you’ve done right now, the good things will come in time probably. They will tell you you have been a lousy guy and you can’t do anything right etc. these are all ways to cope with their guilt.
  • josh1234: I truly hope it’s a guilt thing because she she should have a ton of it for how this played out.. Wonder how long it will take for her to remember the good. It won’t be while she is with the rebound guy. But who knows?..
  • Kevehv: Oh she will remember your good things while she is with him but she won’t leave him for the good memories. It basically depends on how this guy is treating her, remember she left you because she thinks she can do better. If the guy is treating her badly then she will be back soon but if he’s a nice guy it may take longer or she will never come back.
    Obviously, it also have to do with how much she loved you. I know my ex loved me , even at the end but she simply thought/knows she can do better than me.
    I think I already wrote this down but I think if the guy is treating her badly she leaves him after a couple of weeks. If the guy treats her good she will stay with him for a long time, sometimes rebounds come back after years , you never know they could also just go to some other guy again.
    From what I’ve read a lot of these ‘good guy’ rebounds fail at around 6 months but you shouldn’t get your hopes up.
  • josh1234: I guess we will see how ours play out.. I thought she loved me and cared for me but the way it played out I honestly don’t know how you could be like she was to me if she "loved and cared" for me. Everyone said its a rebound and she is just silent. Like I said nothing has been logical or rational. Sad it comes to this for us but they have to find out for themselves. If they truly loved us they would of tried to make it work, not jump to another guy/rebound to fill the void. Hope it’s works out for us but only time will tell us that. Yours has at least made contact with you, good or bad she is initiated contact with you even when she has the new guy. Mine has yet to since all this happened.
  • Guest7: Somehow kevehv I don’t think you are the angel you portray yourself in that relationship. Not saying you were abusive or anything. But you had a big part too.
  • Kevehv: OK well I’m curious how you come up with that. Where do I portray myself as if I’m an angel?
    I consider myself to be a very humble person and obviously I’m not perfect, no one is. I made mistakes, yes but nothing like being abusive or cheating etc.
    Yes ofcourse I had a big part in it too. My life revolved around her instead of myself, she was my life and I was needy. Even though I loved her so much I guess I took her for granted after 6 years and I never thought she would leave me.
    I will never say I did nothing wrong but should I be all negative about myself? I can honestly say I’m a good guy. My ex only had two good things to say to me after she dumped me and that was 1. I was good in bed and 2. I was a really nice guy.
    At the end of the relationship I simply wasn’t a "Man" anymore.
  • josh1234: It’s weird she is so calm with everything. Idk if it’s good or bad but she seems to not be angry or hateful toward you even if she left you. To take her for granted she should not be cool with anything. I took mine for granted and she suppressed any good of me, her emotions too me are only negative, they weren’t like that during the break but when she got a new guy. It made sense why she did a 180 toward me. In the end it might be a good thing because if the rebound doesn’t work out like it almost always doesn’t, and like our friends have told her. Something good will come up toward me or she will reach out. Not when she is with someone though.. It’s crazy that you’re ex reaches out to you with a new guy. Idk if it’s good or bad for you. But id like to see mine reach out to me for once. Maybe it’s good for you. I haven’t seen my ex since the break up. Good or bad only time will tell.
  • Kevinehv: Right after she dumped me we were both emotional. Afterwards when I tried to get her back she listed a whole lot of things I did do wrong. They do this whenever you plead/beg then their defense system comes up and they give you all kinds of reasons why you were bad and the other guy is good. They also do this to ease their guilt.
    I think she reaches out because I stopped begging/pleading soon after the breakup otherwise she starts getting annoyed. I only became mad when I found out there was another guy, afterwards I never did get mad at her.
    When they are still mad or sad that’s a good thing. To be honest I don’t think my ex is mad or sad anymore I think she’s more like indifferent now. If you have been together for quite a while it’s a matter of time before she reaches out to you.
  • Guest7: Just an observation of things you’ve said. I know it seems it but I’m not negating your feelings or trying to make you look feel bad. More I get you are searching for something within and I think once you start putting your part other than you don’t make enough money out there, you might understand what happened better. Could simply be she is shallow too.
  • josh1234: I want to believe she will. But my ex left it open to work out then guessing a few weeks later the new guy was there that’s when she did the 180, she tells my buddy and his gf that I’m such a bad person was a terrible bf the whole time and I cannot change that fast blah blah. They knew it was the truth. But it was said to justify what she was doing.. No one agrees with what she has done. But I tried to plead with her a few times and when she told me they have been official and she would be dumb to leave something good.. I stopped trying that was almost 3 weeks ago, she would get annoyed like yours did. The more I texted trying to open her up she would get more defensive saying we won’t work out now or in the future blah blah. She seems so "done and moved on" but does things like I’ve said that make you think otherwise.. I know it’s still good if she has emotions towards me even if they are bad right now. I cant say if she is indifferent or not idk? According to her she has nothing left towards me, I find hard to believe when you date so long and the break up is recent. Her being in a rebound has a big part in why she thinks she has nothing. Some time think will crash and burn on her and I hope it does. She will see the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and it’s hard to find someone like me that was faithful and never gave up on her. Something had to find in today’s age. If she does never talk to me again that would be cruel if you ask me, but time will tell on that. I don’t know how young or old you and your ex are, but the younger they are the more likely try to find something "better" than the long term relationship they are in. They want the honeymoon stage but don’t want to put the work in to keep the relationship going or work to better it when things get tough. I hope both our exes learn its not always better on the other side. It might be in the very short term with a rebound but it will fade faster than a normal new relationship without the baggage and filling of a void. There honeymoon stage will end in months because of that. What will the next few years bring after it fades probably a break up they would make it as long as they did with us. That’s when they will realize they should of tried to work things out, rather that taking the easy, more destructive approach for them, by just jumping to a new guy.
  • Kevehv: At the time they decided to dump us they do believe they can do better and they do believe the new guy is better. Obviously, this doesn’t have to be the case but if that new guy is equal to us I don’t think they will return that quickly because it would need a lot of courage for her to come back. Not only did she hurt me/us but my friends/family know what she has done etc. she doesn’t have those problems with the new guy. The only reason why she would come back is if the new guy isn’t that great or she suddenly starts to miss you.
    I admit one time I was with my ex I had something similar with a female colleague. She started flirting with me, she looked cute and was even younger than my ex (yes my ex is young=24). This went on for weeks and I went out with this girl but I never kissed her or anything, I never cheated because it felt wrong. At one point I decided it would be stupid to throw away something special I had with my gf (my now ex). Before that I wasn’t thinking clearly and just loved the attention.
  • guest7: you do realize all your focus is on her? You explain her behaviors as if you are inside her head. You rationalize her as if you are her and/or know her thoughts. You claim her behaviors are due to guilt when it is likely her behaviors are due to her for her and have nothing to do with you or you and her. She comes back to you and sleeps with you because you let her use you for and whenever she wants. She has no respect for you because you roll over and give her what she wants. She comes back because she can have attention whenever she wants. When ultimately, she has shown you that you aren’t the one that she ultimately and intimately wants the true heartfelt attention.
  • guest7: Pride is an interesting thing. It protects and it blinds.
  • Bollie: @ Josh & Kevhev
    Your women have not moved on because they want better, if you are good guys you should be safe in the knowledge that there isn’t better than you both, rather it sounds like they are in search of men slightly different, some of your qualities will be found in the new guy but equally they may not have the same traits that drove your girlfriends away, don’t get me wrong everyone has a dark side, but some things we can put up with and other things we can’t.
    It is good to have hope, to help you aim for something, but be open to new adventures in the process ...
  • guest7: Bollie, question for you. Why do you suppose women/girls will line someone up before they actually leave? how are they able to justify that?
  • Bollie: @guest7. To my knowledge women don’t line someone up. Unhappiness sets in and creates cracks in a relationship, some people remain together with these cracks for 40 years, others don’t.
    I was married for 17yrs of which the last 5 I was unhappy. My husband was not a bad man, but he was uncaring, selfish and somewhat mean with money. None of those traits make him a dark person but they created arguments where words were said attacking and put me downs, moaning at me all the time, so that hardly makes one sexually attracted towards them no matter how good they are in bed. So the sex goes, and that to me is the main ingredient that binds man & woman together. One can stay like this forever unless someone else comes along and there is chemistry, you feel alive again, reborn.
    Chemistry is so important, not how good you are in bed.
    In conclusion they don’t line a man up, they have mentally left the relationship prior to him coming along . The truth is it is much easier to blame another man for why the Mrs left than actually accept that she left you..
    The same applies to a woman.
  • Kevehv: I don’t really see what the problem is, I just try to help people and I don’t give false hope saying she will come back.
    Josh asked why she doesn’t answer and I try to explain to him what’s most likely the case, obviously I can’t look in their heads, I wish I could.
    When I say ‘better’ I mean better IN HER EYES. Also, I never said I was the greatest man I don’t know how you people come up with that, I only said I was a good guy and yes that’s why she eventually started using me.
    Women AND men sometimes line someone up. I know because I almost did something like that myself but first I wanted to know if the new girl would work out, eventually I knew I was stupid to throw something beautiful away, even though my ex did that same thing to me now. Like I said; My ex first secretly went on a date with this colleague and when she knew he was into she dumped me 3 days later.
    If I knew our relationship was toxic or whatever I wouldn’t be here. It has been 4+ months, I now know the things I did wrong. If I ever would get another chance I know how to handle our relationship and if I don’t get another chance it’ll be with someone else.
  • josh1234: I agree keve mine was saying after she met the new guy we were toxic and all the negatives things to justify why she can’t come back. She refuses to see any good.. I can’t force her to do that either she has to see it on her own. I think she will but who knows when that will happen.
    Bollie- I agree they may not be over us, but they make us out to be such bad people, write off the relationship as terrible. Do you believe they say that to make it easier for them to justify leaving or being with another guy? I feel like she hates me! Could care less if I was alive or dead. I know things get bad sometimes but she overreacts and overexaggerates everything. Our relationship was hitting a wall but we should have worked through it not run away to another guy and say I am bad person blah blah. But see my ex said she was checked out before the break up. I do not believe that to be 100% true because if she was checking out she would of become distant, cold etc. she wasn’t at all still hung out whenever we could, hung out with friends, was all over me, cuddling, sex etc. I take checking out as becoming distant and cold. Not being close and loving to the guy your "checking out from"
  • josh1234: Also guys, why is it when a female breaks it off they are so cold to you saying you will never work things out now or in the future. But then in time they come around and want to work on things?!? I have seen a few buddies go through this I just don’t get why they have what seems to be a no chance mindset, you’re the worst thing in the world them time goes by and it changes?!? Like do they not remember the things they said to you? Lol
  • Kevehv: All these things you mention are the same things. An ex is also hurt when breaking up and they don’t want to discuss things these things with you. Yes, in my opinion they do and say these things to justify their behaviour.
    @bollie : Don’t get me wrong, if someone is not happy they should leave that relationship. However, they should not keep up appearances and acting like everything is fine before dumping you.
  • josh1234: To me if they are questioning they should be open and tell you that and something needs to change. Not just up and leave while never giving you two the chance to work it out. Maybe not many are wired to think like that sadly. But I agree if they say they have been checking out they shouldn’t continue to be around and loving with you if something is hurting them to the point of questioning staying together. They never say anything then leave and get with someone else. Then blame us for not seeing the issues like you can read their mind? If you stay loving and caring and close how are we as guys capable of knowing?! It’s mind blowing they do that then put the blame on the guys.
  • Guest7: I agree josh
  • josh1234: It leaves us in pieces overanalyzing everything that is said and trying to see where we went wrong. While they are care free in their new guys arms. It’s the easiest girl for a guy to get a girl trying to fill a void of a long term relationship a vulnerable girl. We spoon fed them our exes. My ex brought up reasons why she can’t come back that were from years ago, like she fished for anything and everything to justify not coming back to work it out, but the main reason she didn’t mention until weeks later, the new guy. And we can pour out how we feel because it will just get turned around on you. It’s best to let go and move on the best you can and let THEM come to us. Only chance to ever get them back is to give them what they think they want to drop out of their life. If they love you they will come to you. Because we all know you can’t come to them!
  • Melissa: My boyfriend and i were only together 8 months but in that 8 months we grew close. He was so good to me but i had been in a long term abusive relationship before him so i was a bit reserved. He helped me and was patient with that. He showered me w gifts and told me he loved me daily. He was kinda needy and a little jealous that i was friends w my ex and that caused some problems in our relationship. We fought over it and eventually i told him i needed a break. He cried and was texting me that he was sorry and would i go out on a date w him. I loved him so i said yes. But before that date he met a girl ( in a week) and was already planning to move her in!! I was devestated. We argued after that then i stopped all contact because i was driving myself crazy. But i love him. We shared secrets with eachother that we had never told anyone. We had a bond. I want him back but this girl that he barely knows is moving in w him!! What is your advice? Oh, we’re not kids. Im 43 and he is 42. Thank you
  • Kevehv: @Melissa
    To be honest when I read your post I thought you were ‘kids’ ... well at least quite young.
    First of all why are you in contact with an abusive ex? (if that’s the same ex)
    Second, it’s really childish for a man of 42 to go meet another woman and let her move in with him in a week time.
    In my opinion at this age you should be able to talk things through unless things really don’t work out. If he was really emotional because you dumped him he most likely still loves you (wants you) however the problems in the past made him want to cling onto the other woman for now.
    I would have a normal adult conversation somewhere in a neutral environment, if that doesn’t work go no contact. Don’t argue about things just have a normal conversation. That’s what I would do but I’m curious what others will say here.
  • Melissa: Thank you. I really want a mans point of view because i have only had womens. They all tell me its a rebound and everything i read is telling me i have to wait it out and have no contact for 30 days. Our last texts weren’t that great. I pretty much yelled at him for replacing me so soon and he said he just wanted someone to spend time with because i never would. ( our work schedules only let us spend 1-2 days a week. ) it is true that i could of done more to give him my time, but i like my space. Also he texted and called me all day and even googled me when we first got together and knew everywhere i had lived in the last 5 years! But im scared he wont talk to me. And what about the 30 day no contact rule? Oh, the ex i wss talking to wasn’t the abusive one. It was someone i was with before him for awhile.
  • josh1234: When and men tend to always agree it’s a rebound. I think at your ages you should try to sit down and have a normal conversation. No arguing, just talk about everything and how it could be fixed if you both truly want that. I would say no contact is for people that Keve and myself. Now if the sit down is turned down by him or it doesn’t go well.. Then you have to just let him go, and if he wants to talk let him come to YOU but don’t sit and wait on that.
  • Kevehv: @Melissa
    Rebound or not, it doesn’t really matter. My ex-girlfriend dumped me to chase a colleague and it has been 4 months now, you never know when and if it will end.
    In my opinion the 30 day no contact rule is suppose to be some kind of manipulation way to get your ex back. If he/she thinks you don’t care anymore (fear of loss) he will start to chase you but if the problems in the relationship are not solved yet he/she will leave soon again.
    No contact in general is to heal from the breakup.
    I’m doing no contact now because there is nothing I can do at this point. Maybe my ex will see she made a mistake or maybe her new relationship is better... I will never know. If you can not have a normal conversation with your Ex you should go no contact. No Contact is for you to heal and get over him. Often when you have moved on they seem to come back, believe me men almost always come back to you at some point.
  • josh1234: I don’t think no contact is used to trick them into coming back. I think it’s like you said you have no other options but to give them space and let it run its course. He/she will reach out at some point because of the history and the long term relationship you had together. Don’t wait on him, I would try to have a normal conversation if that fails just stop contacting him, let go and he will eventually come to you.
  • Melissa: Thank you. Is it ok to ask him to meet with me even though he has a girlfriend?
  • Kevehv: Just ask him if he wants to meet you for a drink somewhere. I would not use sentences like "Could we meet somewhere to talk" because people who dumped you do not like to talk about this subject.
    If he agrees, you just try to have a normal and ‘fun’ conversation, don’t go straight into details, slowly build it up.
    The conversation could go both ways, positive or negative. Whatever you do try to end the relationship as positive as possible. So, even if he doesn’t want to get back try to be positive and cool about it.
    If he doesn’t want to meet you, you have done all you can at this moment. It’s time to move on, you don’t know what the future might bring but you can’t keep stalking him. If love is meant to be he will come back.
  • Bollie: @Melissa, just read your story. It doesn’t sound like you really love him and maybe his neediness is a result from him feeling that too.
    You quoted you see him 1-2 days a week you could’ve seen him more but you like your space. Well you have got your space now and lost him.
    The guys are right no contact is a method for healing not for winning someone back particularly in your case where he felt you didn’t see him enough. The longer he is with this woman the greater the chance he may fall in love with her.
    I have a feeling he knows her well and I’m not suggesting he cheated on you at all, rather he may have got to know her simply to talk to and then discovered they had a lot more in common and more importantly wanted the same things out of a relationship as each other.
    Before you have your adult conversation, you need to ask yourself will you compromise your desire for space doing things that you want to do to meet his needs, if the answer is no, then just move on there will be someone that is more right for you in the future, but don’t mess with his heart if you know it’s not what you really want
    Good luck
  • josh1234: If he they didn’t see each other enough staying in contact won’t help it either because he made his choice. She needs to let go better herself, and if he reaches out that’s great. But she cannot keep trying to get him back even if she wants to see him all that she can she needs to make the changes first. But he needs to come to her, the dumper needs to be the one to initiate contact and needs to be the one to bring up meeting up or trying to work it out. That’s just my thought because the dumpee will just push them away further. My ex said I pushed her to the point she can’t come back, that said she has a guy so I’d expect to hear that anyways because her saying we could work it out, she is doing the new guy wrong. I’d say let go make yourself happy and he will sense you are okay and moving on. That would be where he comes back around.. I am doing the same thing and hopefully it works out but you won’t know for awhile so in the mean time let go and make yourself happy!
  • The Dark Knight Rises: Reading this after more than year. I so remember I followed this blog blindly. Though she didnt come back. It took time but I learned to live happy alone :)
  • josh1234: @thedarkknightrises
    I’m glad you found happiness man! Did she leave you for someone right after the break up? Did she ever reach out to you? Or are you still NC? I don’t know your story so thought I’d ask!
  • jaydawg31481: On the do’s. It was our third anniversary and her sons Bday we broke up. My ex got in a rebound four days later, admitted to it, told me he was just so to fill the hole left and contacts me all the time, even sends those cute little pictures with the poems and stuff in them. So we talk a lot, more than when we were together, which is partly caused for the breakup. Some of our conversations are even about our future, she wants to move in with me get married and have a kid, she wants to spend Christmas with me. I want all that now too, but......She says, she’ll come back to me when she’s ready. She having fun with this guy, they go out, which is something we didn’t do too much, another fixable problem. She had a lot of anger towards me, I think that’s gone, cause she warned me about it for about a month or so prior to it.
    She’s still deeply in love with me and head over heels while we were together. I kinda noticed she exactly cried to me tonight bout how stressed she was, failed two exams and was thinking bout dropping out and going back on drugs, which was never a thought while wit me nor was she failing or even in school. She always says, I did all that for her, I changed her life. But tonight she cried, I calmed her down, cause I don’t want to hear that out of her, we started having good convo, she bringing up flashbacks from when we were first together and good memories, she say I love you first like always, good night. Two hours later new profile pic of her kissing the rebound on the cheek. I was devastated. I did do very LC the first two days of their relationship, she just kept hitting me up, I’d hit her back when I knew she sleep. She finally got a hold of me and was the only time she said, "she misses me." Even though I know she’s still a wreck with me talking to her.
    She doesn’t sleep over this guys house, cause I talk to her every night and he cant sleep over hers, cause he’s on parole, whoa winner. They prolly spend five hours a day with each other and she hits me up everyday as soon as he leaves. Same time everyday. What is MY next move? I miss my baby and I want her back
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @ Jaydawg31481 seems like you are there for her whenever she needs you... this is not bad in a relationship but now you need to back off. It seems rude but now it feels like she can get back to you whenever she needs. He is out of the picture and then she comes back to you? are you second on the list? I know she has affection for you but like this it will just be a bumpy road, try not to be 24/7 available for her. Take some time before reacting and be a busy person with other goals in life. Be strong! :) Goodluck.
  • jaydawg31481: @EvenRoseshaveThorns Thank you for the advice and I’m trying. How long you think before I should reply? One of the reason for the breakup was lack of communication. I don’t want to get off how good it’s been lately, better than it’s been in a while. And do you think she still thinks of me while with him? I’m thinking she has to, cause the way our relationship was, the way she felt about me during, how she constantly still says she loves me and hits me up everyday as soon as he leaves. Do you think very LC is the right play to get her back? Maybe not answer her calls and not answer her text right away? Make her miss me. The research I’ve done on rebound say, they’ll end on their own, cause she still hasn’t gotten over me. But if I keep talking to her while she’s with her rebound, it’s like I never left.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: @jaydawg31481 Well it depends a bit on what she is sending, but don’t give her instant coffee! It is a gut feeling of course and it is hard to say for you but even harder for an outsider. If she sees the flaws in her current relationship she will break up with him sooner or later but lets not focus on that. Let time pass and I know how hard that is, just focus on yourself and try to follow those steps in my blog above. You are focusing way to much on getting back with her, don’t place her needs before yours. We can’t predict love but you must not let your feelings lead you to mistakes. Do not just look to one outcome "getting back together" but rather stick to the outcome "you are happy without her". I had the same thoughts that with LC I would heal and get her back,... in your mind and heart you are just focusing on getting back... LC is for healing and create a gap between you 2 because you 2 broke up for a reason. Time will tell and this takes several months at least, especially when she is with someone new,.. let that roller-coaster go for the time being..
    I can tell the same over and over again, very clear for me but not when your relationship just broke up and rational thinking is far away.
  • Rob: Me and my ex have been broken up since early June now. we have 2 kids one aged 4 and other is 2. We did try and work things out in September we did have fun but it was hard as we had no were to go she was living at her parents so it felt like we couldn’t be us and it ended end of September and a week went by and she went in a new relationship with some one els on Facebook this person is some one she met for the first time when we first broke up anyways a few weeks pass and she gets a new house and he moves in straight away and gives up the place he had and now there living together with my kids they have only been together just over 3 months is this a rebound? She is constantly messaging me to see how I am and talking about kids and a little flirt I told her deeply how I feel and I wanted her back told her I had changed myself n she said she can see change in me. She said she dosnt even no what’s going on in her life at the min to no what she wants its all confusing for her but after seeing her a couple more times I decided to ask her n see were she is again I did come across needy and this time she said she wants to be friends n lets just see what the future brings I said but what happens if it’s with out us being bk together she says if it’s ment to be it will be so I decided to tell her if she wants to be friends I need space to see of I can get my head around it and started no contact then after one day she sent me a message asking how I was ect I ignored it then couple hours later she sends a text to me phone after a missed call saying we need to talk I broke no contact for her just to say she didn’t like not talking to me Iv since started no contact again apart from the kids I’m on day 3 she’s messaged telling me she missed me yesterday when I had the kids over night and she was out drinking with her new man. She also used to message me when he was in bed or out at the pub were he gos every wedensday could any one please advise me what to do to win her back we were together for 7 years I just think she’s confused and he’s moved in to quick and brought some of his things like the sofa tv ect n if he gos so will these please help thanks Rob
  • Kevehv: It’s a rebound if she went into the relationship while still having unresolved feelings for you, so you are the one who can answer that best but I can already tell you she still has feelings otherwise she wouldn’t tell you she ‘misses you’. If she left you but all (or most) of the feelings are gone it’s not a rebound.
    However, living together in just 3 months is not something you would normally do (unless they’ve been seeing each other for a long time). Apparently this new guy thinks everything will work out but once your ex doesn’t need him anymore he has to leave the house without having his own place.
    Anyways, it doesn’t really matter whether it’s a rebound or not at this point. Even though most rebound relationships fail you never know if this one might work out. You can’t really do anything at this moment, just tell her you need space and don’t contact her unless it’s about the kids. Trying to reason with her won’t work.
  • Rob: I really want to win her back a feel like we’re ment to be and I no she still has feelings for me but she really hurt me on the break up she was planning a new life with some one she worked with and I found out and it ended up in us arguing bad and she says she can never forgive herself for what she’s put me through I just want her back and my family I already forgive her for what she done do u think there is anything I can do for her to relise that with out coming across needy and win her back
  • Kevehv: I’m in the same boat as you are, my ex dumped me 7 months ago for a colleague (6yr relationship) so I don’t know everything but I’ve read a lot all over the internet and I can tell you what I do know:
    Things are never certain, there’s no tactic that always works. At one point your ex decided to look around if there was someone ‘better’ than you and once she has set her mind on this there’s no reasoning with her, she simply has to pursue this other relationship because she thinks it’s better.
    You should let her new relationship run it’s course.
    In my experience, talking only made it worse. I told my ex "don’t rush things" (about the new guy) and then she exactly did that very thing.
    What can you do right now?
    -Low contact with your ex, she has to miss you. This will take a longer time if she has a new guy and if the new relationship is actually pretty good. At one point their relationship will most likely go sour and she will reach out to you.
    -Man up (it’s hard I know). Don’t let yourself be used by her, being there for her all the time, she choose to live without you.
    -Be happy, do the things you want to do; sport, hobby’s, friends etc.
    -Move on. This doesn’t mean you should forget about her but you should be OK with the outcome whatever happens. When you have stopped being needy/desperate there’s a higher chance to start a NEW relationship with your ex. Your old relationship is dead.
    Show her what she has lost, if you were a good guy I’m sure she will come back but when.... I don’t know.
    Whenever she does come back don’t let her in too easy. Make her work for it.
    I’ve stopped contacting my ex for months and now she’s trying to gain my attention because I know she’s not as happy as she appears to be. I know the new guy is there so she doesn’t think about me that much. Maybe I’m wrong but I guess time will tell.
  • Rob: The thing what I’m struggling to understand tho is when we had the chat when I was basically begging for her to give me another chance to show her how happy i can make her she said it’s not that easy tho I do and always will love you but I’m with him now and he lives with me just let us try and be friends and see were we are in the future who nos I says to her it what if nothing happens with us in the future and she said well if we’re ment to be then we will be lets just see what the future holds but I could see in her eyes and reactions there was something she wasn’t telling me she seemed like she didn’t want to say this what she was to me as if she just wanted to say something els instead of what she was and when I asked her what was rong I no u better than any one and she says nothing it dosnt matter now dose it n a said I no there is just say she said no it’s not that simple am I rite in thinking that she could already be regretting the relationship she’s in and is missing me and wanting me back I no her new partner is out drinking most nights and stays in bed till around 2 3pm n on a wedensday always gos to the club n this is mostly when she messages me what would u make of that
  • Kevehv: ‘Regret’ might be a big word. Is she doubting what to do ? Yes she is.
    Most people who leave someone for another partner doubt about their decision. Sadly, this does not mean they will come back, at least not for the time being.
    The thing is, they’ve set their mind on this new thing. At one point they’ve decided to give this new relationship a go and leave you. Trying to get them back will have the opposite effect like I’ve said in the previous post.
    I told my ex not to rush into things.... 4 days afterwards she was in a relationship with him and had sex (2 weeks post breakup), very soon they met eachothers parents and they went on a holiday (not even 2 months post breakup).
    Whatever they are telling you post breakup, it’s hard to tell what is true or not. They could tell you "we might be together in the future" but they most likely don’t really mean this (At this point), they could tell you all kinds of horrible things etc. All these things don’t mean anything because they are as emotional as you are.
    What you should do is try to figure out why she left you and fix that.
    I believe you two may get together again in the future, since you’ve got kids together. Eventually she will probably realise what a mistake she made and she wants to get back with you. It’s your decision whether you still want her back at that point because depending on how good her new relationship is , the longer it will take. Don’t think she will be back anytime soon, the only thing you’ve got to do now is live your life and don’t have any false hope.
  • Rob: I get what your saying. I’m on day 4 now of no contact the on Friday she told me she misses me yesterday she asked me if I was ok trying to spark up a convo and today she sent me screen shots of messages that she sent me when we first broke up saying how much she is sorry and that she loves me and I’m an amazing guy and she never ment to hurt me and she will never forgive her self this is a message she screen shotted the aame week we broke up yet she sends me that today and I have had 2 missed calls off her and 2 messages one saying.. Seriously are u taking the f’in p*ss and another saying.. She’s so fkd off with me it’s unreal and I haven’t done anything that will make her like this as Iv not contacted her why would u say she’s going on like this and only on day 4 of no contact ?
  • Kevehv: Well it appears you are in luck because the new guy isn’t exactly great and she already realises that.
    In my case my ex was chasing me for 2 months because and when I told her I couldn’t hang out with her anymore she became **** off with me too. It’s because they still have feelings for you and don’t know what they are doing themselves. It’s good they are mad because the opposite of love is not hate it’s indifference.
    I did fall for this trap, I did hang out with her etc. but it did not bring her back. I don’t know anything for sure but I suggest you keep ignoring her untill she really makes an effort of coming back to you. You’ve got to show her who’s the man and what she’s lost.
    If she does come back don’t take her back immediately and take things slowly otherwise she might leave again.
  • Rob: How would you suggest that I go about that then if she reaches out to me and how long would you say to keep the no contact up in our situation and yeah o made the mistake of hanging out with her too taking her for dinner and she used to ask me if I wanted to meet her with the kids ect and last time I seen her was wedensday and she messaged me asking if I would go for breakfast with her and she will buy me one so I did and I explained to her if she wanted to be friends like she said she dose because she dosnt wanna lose me then that would be the last time I seen her and told her at the night time ad not be messaging her either if she wants us to work as friends as my head was on a different place than her or I thought so anyways and then I haven’t contacted her since except about when I had the kids so what do u think would be the best plan of action to take of she reaches out to me because I do love her and really want her and me family back Iv already started working on myself to change and to also try and re attract her
  • Kevehv: Yeah my ex did not want to lose me either, buying beer or other drinks for me and we cooked together even though she had some other guy.
    In my mind I thought I could show her how great I am but it only made things worse. We even had sex one time and she said she loved me.
    And it’s true, she doesn’t want to lose you but she can let go if you easily this way. It’s like whenever someone wants to quit smoking, it’s a lot harder to go cold turkey. Obviously you will have to see her sometimes because of the kids but hanging out with my ex did not help me at all and there are almost no succes story’s of people staying friends like that.
    What I think you have to do is to tell her to minimise all contact because you DO NOT want to become a friend, you want a romantic relationship with her. You can’t do no contact because you have children but other then that I would keep contact to a minimum.
    This increases the chance of her wanting to get back with you since you. You are her emotional crutch now. Even if she decides not to come back to you it helps you heal. Don’t let her know she may come back whenever she wishes, act like she will lose you forever this puts a lot of pressure on her.
    Like I said in the previous posts I’m still in the same boat. Now it’s almost 7 months and my ex messages me and tries to make me jealous. I don’t know how this will eventually work out but I know she moved on way too fast. Eventually it will most likely come crashing down.
  • Rob: What do you think I should do then break the no contact and just say would you be able to stop messaging me unless it’s about our kids as i have relised that I cannot become friends with you! I have tried but it’s not what I want! I want a romantic relationship with you! And then cut contact again until I have the kids
  • Kevehv: No contact is not even an option for you since you’ve got kids together. You’ve got to minimise your contact. You could just tell her next time she contacts you (let her contact you). Tell her "I respect your decision but I can’t be friends with you, I want a romantic relationship with you but I won’t keep waiting for you, We will have no contact now unless it’s about the kids, I hope you can respect my decision" Something like that.
    She has to start missing you and she can’t miss you if you’re always around. If she knows you’ll be waiting for her she thinks she can do whatever she wants.
    I know it will be hard and you’ve got the urge to contact her all the time but believe me this most likely won’t work. If she does contact you respond with small sentences, don’t tell her everything about your life. If she asks you how you are doing you just say something like "I’m fine" and don’t ask her anything.
    I know it’s a lot of game playing..... I didn’t want to do it either but that’s the only way if there’s still a chance.
  • Rob: I had to missed calls and a message off her this morning asking why I’m ignoring her she has done nothing rong and I’m treating her like a mug so I send her this reply I respect the fact that you wanna be with Your new partner but i can’t be friends with you so al only message when it’s about the kids! and a wish yous the best of luck and she’s messaged back saying.... New girlfriend is on the scene so u r making me look a mug. Sumik u promised u wouldn’t do ! well I’ll turn just as funny.. there’s no need at all ! Just shows everything u have said for weeks is a lie u going on like this. Hope u and the new girlfriend choke on each others fkn spit.. really **** me off mugging me like. Why would u say she’s acting like this and what should I do
  • Bollie: Dear Rob
    From a woman’s perspective it is over. For a woman to break up with a man when their children are both under five years of age is not to be taken lightly. It is a stressful situation she has undertaken and I suspect she has been thinking about it for a long time.
    I agree with Kehev her new fella has been on the scene a lot longer than three months.
    I believe she has jumped out of the frying pan into the fire as it is not working out with him also. She is now scared at the thought of being alone with two children in tow and thus will go back to you for all the wrong reasons.
    I suggest you be a good father and a friend to her right now and help out with your kids.
    But please keep your heart for someone else
  • Rob: We were first loves we were really good together but I don’t think I manned up enough for her n that’s why she started looking else were as I give her everything on a plate spoiled her a used to make money and give it to her to manage as if I couldn’t I no u say save my heart for some one else but I truly no she dose love me and didn’t mean to hurt is the way she did I can tell in her eyes she still loved is by the look she used to give is when I tried to be friends with her is there anything u can suggest if I was to try again to make it work Iv already started changing everything about myself
  • Kevehv: I do believe this doesn’t mean this is the end between the two of you but your current relationship is dead, which means the only way you two could be together is if you start a new relationship.
    If there’s a chance of a new relationship with your ex it will and it can not happen anytime soon. You will first have to:
    -Forgive her
    -Know what went wrong (and work on fixing that)
    -Trust her again (probably the hardest part)
    -Move on in the meantime (Like I said, it could take quite some time)
    -Don’t take her back too quickly.
    -Don’t let yourself be used.
    I do believe there is a possibility she will realise her mistake and still loves you. It’s your job to find out if she’s sincere and if she’s willing to work for it.
    I have no experience with children but I do believe women don’t just dump their man when kids are involved but I do believe people may sometimes make rash decisions.
    I’ve been in the same situation one time (again, without kids but still...) when I met a cute girl at work who was flirting with me, even though I had a great girl at home. Somehow the attention really got to me and I started loving this new girl. I never cheated on my girlfriend but I wanted to break things off with her. The reason I never did was because I found out the new girl wasn’t really sincere about liking me but just liked the attention.
  • Bollie: I am a mother of two and I can assure you, leaving your partner is a very scarey thought, I’ve not met a woman that has done it on a whim or a moment of passion.
    To get back with her you need to find out what went wrong, she risked the unknown rather than accept what she had. You need to find out what it was and only then you will know if you can fix.
    Although it may look like she left you for him that will not be the case, he offered her the security which she needed to leave the current situation she was in. He was most definitely not the cause and you can ignore him altogether.
    You now rely on her to be honest to be able to turn things around.
    The lioness looks for a mate that can protect her cubs, keep them safe and fed. This is a primal instinct that is deep routed in all of us. You mentioned you lived in her parents house, why?
    How old are you both and do you have a job?
    Good luck
  • Rob: No we were living together and have been for the last 5 6 year she give up the house and she moved in with her parents the partner she now has is not the person she first broke up with me for that was some one compleatly different that she worked with and he showed her attention attention and flirting that she want getting as much of me and she liked that I’m 25 and she is 22 I think I no what went rong I do work I am self employed and work from home and I put a lot more time into that than I did anything trying to make money for my family I got lost n that’s all I focused on I never give her attention much or if I did it was mostly sexual and I never took time out for myself and not as much for the kids I just had my mind on other things that what I should of ano that makes me sound horrible but I thought everything around me was perfect and s couldn’t even see what was really happening until it all came crashing down on my now a look at how it was like this I don’t blame her for leaving me but I no were I went rong Iv started changing and taking control of my life again I just want to show her I’m the man that she wants and needs because I want to win her back in not the person I used to be and that’s one thing I’ll be taking from this that I can honestly thank her for coz my eyes r now open
  • Kevehv: Even though she has children she’s still young and young women could do some weird things, especially in the modern western world. A 22 year old might not know what to do with her life yet and if you’re really what she wants.
  • crazyexgirlfriend: My ex of almost four years broke up with me about four months ago. It wasn’t a bad break up, we are still really close friends, and still talk to each other on the phone. Recently, this girl on my snap chat started posting lots of pictures of him, some of them had heart eyes. I of course became suspicious. I asked him about it because I feel comfortable enough with him to talk to him about anything. He assured me that nothing was going on, and he would tell me if there were. My friends and family are all insisting that there is something going on with him and this girl- they suggest maybe like a friends with benefits situation. It bothers me a lot because this is a girl that sometimes hung out with us when we were in a group of friends, and that he isn’t in a relationship with this girl. My ex said they are not dating right now, and he’s not sure that they will. He never gave me a definite answer about the status of whatever they are, which tells me that there is something going on, he is just trying to spare my feelings.
    I don’t really know how to handle this. I still love him, but not sure that I want a relationship with him. I might in the future, I just don’t know. I still care a lot about him. It hurts me that he would date someone that I know, and used to hang out with when with him and his friends. Thinking about him with anyone else, especially someone that I know, literally makes me sick. I don’t want to terminate our friendship, I love talking to him, and there’s some things that I feel like I can go to him with, that I can’t go to anyone else. I told him after we broke up that I was going to give him his space, and not call him, but that he could still call me if he wanted, and I would be more than happy to talk to him. He calls a few times a week, and we talk anywhere from five to forty-five minutes. We don’t argue, we just catch up and talk, like friends. Any advice? I really need some help.
  • roosterbones: There was only one time a breakup made me feel so shelled, it was my first love, my whole life I played the role with lovers and never found steadfast relationship, now this, at 52, she warned me over and over and I didn’t respond because I thought she worshipped me, well she left me, then said she wanted me back while she conspired with another, and totally blocked me, including a contrived restraining order, and I have vivid dreams of her and hate to wake because it’s another day without someone loving me, and I’ve lost my pride and would beg her if I could but I really can’t risk the downside of no. I can’t find a foothold to make a new life, there is no economy, no vibrance in culture in America to launch myself into, I don’t know how to escape this hellish reality
  • ozman: Hey Whitley!
    I’ve been there. Only on the other side. I walked away.
    It’s really easy. Trust me!
    He just needs time to get over it.
    He will soon realize how stupid it is to be mad at that.
    All you have to do is wait.
    I walked away and six months later realized how stupid I was being. She had already met a really nice guy by then.
    She said I wish you’d said something...
    Don’t let that happen to you.
    Be patient and be the bigger person and tell him it’s okay if he needs time to get over it. Because it doesn’t matter.
    Good luck!
  • Kim: Oh wow this is hard for me. I recently broke up with a guy that I dated for 4 years. I was married for 19 yrs and had 3 boys with him until he was diagnosed with a mental disease/paranoia -schizophrenia and had to divorce him. I met this guy shortly after I left my husband, even though I grieved for years before I had the strength to move on. We fell in love...well he a lot faster than I. I was 40 and he 33. He also proposed to me less than a year after dating. We’ve lived in 2 places together, purchased 7 cars together, some were our teenagers due to wrecks. I helped him complete a college degree, grow his business and he helped the old me surface, the fun-loving side of me. So the problem in our was when he became my Freshmen in high school’s basketball coach. So we lived together and coached him...and saw him at school all day. My son is sn extremely skilled player...he didn’t respond to coach-like stepdad coaching you. So for 2 yrs I saw this relationship crumble. So he blamed me for tKing my son’s side and not letting him turn him into a man. But my son’s had no contact with their dad due to his mental breakdown because he refused to see us. So, accepting someone new was hard. So finally we broke...he said he had some goals to reach but asked if maybe we should just get married. He moved out July 2015, we went on a week vacation to FL in Aug 2015. In November he reached out tk hook up. Then in Jan 2016 he saw me moving on with my life on Social Media ...of course I saw him at all my son’s games...it was like pain l over again. He saw me with a guy and I saw him with a girl. He called me one night we talked for hours and decided to try again. We dated and then realized the problem still existed, my son still plays for him. So we split again. Stupid me, I thought the love could conquer all. So for me to save my son’s career and me to heal..,I transferred my son to another high school. So boy that shocked him. Now he doesn’t see me. But he paid for his bball AAU fee. So we had a sexual relapse on May 7 my birthday. We have flirt texted and he called me an old nickname. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me or burn bridges-so one time he had a friend coming to a game he knew I’d be at and texted me and told me. I know everything happens for a reason but this $3000 engagement ring meant something to him. He said he doesn’t want to hook up so we don’t mess up our future. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Not sure if I give him space or pursue him more. I know he still loves me.
  • Bollie: Dear Kim
    You poor thing. When you have space and time apart to collect your thoughts and think rationally, and from that decide you do want to spend the rest of your life with him, then act on it.
    You sound like a terrific mum, and separating your son (moving him to a different school) should be enough that the two men in your life can work cohesively together afterall they both have one thing in common they love you.
    Go after your man and explain how you feel and how important he is to you. If he doesn’t come back to you, then his love was not deep enough to stand the test of time. If he does come back, you then need to talk to your son and get him to understand that he needs to go along with things as it’s your future happiness at stake.
    Good luck sweetie, if you want him bad enough you will get him back x
  • Christina: Thank you so much for this great advice I have made all of those mistakes so now I’m nc
  • emma: While what you say is correct in most instances, I did get him back! He was with her for 7 years; but we are happily together 12 years after her:)
    I never gave up on him. I knew he really loved me and I never bothered him. Well, some lol. Say hi. But he got rid of her over time. Took years.
    Now, only girl :D
    p.s. He father to both my son’s.
  • Emma: yes, we are in love again. He woke up one day and found he really in love with me. I always knew in love with him, hoped he would feel the same. I feel lucky, he did.
  • Emma: p.s. younger men are more full of themselves!
  • Kevehv: I’m glad it worked out for you but obviously 7 years is a long time to be ‘waiting’ for someone even if there was some kind of guarantee they would be back, so best is to move on.
  • waitingforamiracle: I so want him back, but after 6 months of the break up and no contact at all, and i can’t contact him because it was a bad breakup that he blocked me from Fb even though i never tried to contact him or show any desperation , He had someone else already at the end lined up and still together and blocked me from fb to put his profile picture of her and him together so maybe he didn’t want me to see it ( i think that was the reason for him to blocked me) anyway i am only waiting for a miracle that he may still think about me and want to contact me. So i can apply the advice from the article.
  • Emma: I wasn’t waiting for him. I was in other relationships that didn’t work out. So, both of our trying out different relationships actually might have helped us get back together, since we knew what was "out there" didn’t compare to what we had.
  • Waitingforamiracle: Is it possible to get an ex back after 7 months of no contact , he has someone even before the final break up and with a horrible break up ? And he blocked me on fb when he posted his profile picture with the new gf 6 months ago , I don’t see how I can start the contact , I’m waiting for him to start , but it might never happen . What can I do ?
  • Emma: Mine was different. When we divorced, he got both my sons. I was allowed to visit them. My youngest son wanted us to be together again, the eldest didn’t. The eldest thought I was to blame, while the younger blamed the father. It was a sad thing, father won the battle after 4 long years; and the only real victors were the lawyers.
  • Emma: I forgive him for all the bad he did to me. He is a better being. Now, I am the one that needs improvement!
  • Bollie: Gosh Emma what did he have on you to win custody of young children?
    Dear waiting for a miracle. If he has cut you off so as not to be able to make contact this action alone speaks louder than words, his love was not deep enough to stand the test of time, everyone leaves doors open and he has closed them all making a definitive decision, there are no children involved to keep contact going.
    The only thing you can plan is possibly going to a bar you know he frequents looking a million dollars with one girlfriend by your side so it doesn’t look staged. If he speaks to you be polite and smiley but that’s all and hope the visual effect may make him reconsider unblocking you.
    Good luck x
  • Waitingforamiracle: Emma I am glad that things are working out
    Bollie thank you for your advice , I’ve tried seeing him going to the same supermarket and places as we live close by but it seems that now that I’m ready and have forgiven him it’s not happening, wondering if he had moved out but I don’t think so , anyway maybe it may happen soon . Thank you . I want to email / text him but I feel I can’t do it , I’m afraid I guess .
  • Emma: Believe it or not I got a really bad lawyer and he had a really good one! Oddly, the first lawyer I called, my husband already got to first! I don’t want to recall those days, but I will say that he regrets all of it. He never thought I would ever start dating and seeing other guys. He was wrong.
    I also went back to school and also had to care for my elderly mother, so I was a busy girl. Since then also got 2 A.S. degrees in Digital Publishing and Web Design. Nowadays, love art and gardening and family. My brother and his <email> just down the street, another son lives on same street. He has a wife and son. Also, my other son lives 10 minutes away with his wife and kids. He still finishing his B.A. in Computer Engineering. So life goes on and things do heal. You just have to give it time and focus on self, instead of somebody elses. You can let them know you are still interested, then the ball is in their court. If they say they not, I would move on to better things.
  • 4 some & some: SOUNDS LIKE MY SO CALLED EX BOYFRIEND MIKE BRUCE AND FAKE BOYFRIEND ONE NIGHT STAND? SO THEY COULD VIDEO US TAKE PIC’S TO COVER UP THEM & MIKE BRUCE HAVE SEX PARTIES? THEN MIKE BRUCE COULD BLAME ME FOR HIM CHEATING OUR INTIRE RELATIONSHIP JUST TO MAKE ME JEALOUS & A JOKE ? CARLENE HAS ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME, AND MIKE B.. WOULD HAVE SEX W/ ANY WOMEN THAT WANTED TO MAKE ME JEALOUS? HE WOULD HAVE SEX W/ ANOTHER MAN IF MY SO CALLED BOYFRIEND JAMIE B. AND VICKIE ALL WOULD HAVE SEX A 4 SOME? BEHIND MY BACK THEY ARE THE ONE’S THAT WANTED TO SET ME UP TEXTME SAME TIME MIKE B.. DID IN MIDDLE OF NIGHT WHILE HAVING A **** FEST??
    THIS IS IN SONORA,CA..... MIKE BRUCE USES NICE WOMEN AND DESTROYS THEIR LIVES FOR THE WORST PEOPLE TO HURT, SET UP , USE, ABUSE, **** OFF & TREAT LIKE A PIECE OF ****? MIKE BRUCE, TREATED ME WORSE THAN ANY **** IN MY LIFE , BY DOING THE WORST DAMAGES TO RUIN SOMEONE’S REPUTATION, KNOWN TO BE USED BY MEN FOR THE BENEFITS OF ALL WOMEN? SEXUALLY IS WHY, SO THE SEX IS ALOT BETTER, AND MIKE WANTS TO BE PLEASED IN BED ? SORRY, YOU WHERE ABUSIVE TO ME PSYCHOLOGICAL, DEGRADING ME, LABLING ME, THREANING, TALKING UNDER HIS BREATH- ABOUTT SEX W/ OTHER WOMEN & IN LOVE W/ THIS PERSON?- I hated it so much, think of any excuse to get away from him.. i never felt love, happiness, support? ONLY- PURE HATE, ANGER, LOVED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ABUSED WOMEN & **** THEM UP EVEN MORE... AND BLAME THEM...
  • Damond: That **** you speaking is pure game an i appreciate it. Thank you.
  • Alice122: Hello,
    I think you can tell I am here for some help. I would really appreciate some third-party perspective on my situation. Please.
    I will try and keep it short. Basically 2 months ago I found out my ex-boyfriend (4 years) cheated on me with his co-worker, I found the messages and immediately kicked him out. After 1 or 2 days or nasty text arguments back and forth, we then went NC.
    Fast forward to one week ago, he was calling and texting me over and over as he finally wanted to pick up his belongings from our shared apartment. I told him I will give everything to a mutual friend, but he showed resistance and I crumbled and ended up speaking to him on the phone for 3 hours.
    During this call, I stayed calm and we were even having a laugh with each other. He then chose to ask about whether I am seeing someone. I told him I was sleeping with someone but it was casual.
    Well thats when it turns upside down...he breaks down in tears, wont hang up the phone, asking all about this person. He continues to call and text me non-stop for the next 48 hours apologizing and telling me he wants to fix it and how much he loves and misses me. I felt he was being very genuine since he went into detail about how much it hurt him that I didnt contact him on his birthday.
    I chose to meet him for a drink and we kept it casual, though he was clearly trying to prove to me how he "had changed", get me attracted to him by boasting and ignite chemistry again. After the drinks, I returned home and thanked him for the evening but made it clear I think for now its best we just remain friends..if we even can.
    That same night I receive multiple texts and calls from him until he finally turns up at my apartment at 5am in tears and just asking to stay. He stayed the night, yes it got sexual, he then stayed the rest of the day where we hung out as normal again and it was nice...really **** nice.
    When he left, I did the same routine...thanked him for the day/night but made it clear that since he is still "seeing" this girl he cheated with, that I wanted no part of it and could only offer my friendship after I had healed properly.
    I heard nothing back from him. So I caved a few days later and text him telling him I missed my best friend and wished him all the best. He replied immediately telling me how much he’d missed me, I was his best friend and he didnt want to lose me completely.
    Since then, it has gone back to NC. That was 1 week ago.
    I need to ask your honest opinion on what I should do next. Remain in NC? Is he also giving me some breathing space? Does it even sound like he wants me back? The NC was helping me heal and now my heads totally messed again.
  • Alice122: I would also like to elaborate slightly...he also went into detail about how he still watches my sex videos, how he has been calling his new girl by my name, how he often finds her embarrassing. He then proceeded to ask me what my opinion is of this girl as he "values my opinion very highly". Lastly, he told me that when I kicked him out after finding the explicit messages between them that instead of letting him go...I should have "stopped him". Basically, I was meant to fight for him and not let him end up in another relationship so quickly.
    Classic deflecting of guilt and blame, me thinks.
  • Kevehv: Alice, you probably don’t want to hear this but here it goes:
    Your (ex) boyfriend cheated on you because apparently he wasn’t happy (enough) with you but he does still love you.
    So right now he’s slowly trying to move away from you because he still can’t decide between you and the new girl but as time progresses the new girl almost always wins and you will be left in the cold.
    If you go complete NC you at least make it harder for him to just leave you, it doesn’t guarantee he will be back but maybe that’s for the best since he apparently wasn’t happy and he will most likely cheat again...
    Your story sounds almost exactly like mine except for the fact that I’m a guy.
  • Alice122: Thank you for your honesty keveh.
    I feel totally torn between NC and trying to remain friends. But you are right, I think NC will make it harder on him at least.
    I must say its been terribly hard for me now, especially after hearing his confessions last week.
    I also want him and his new girl to find out for themselves how "the grass is greener" syndrome works, without my involvement.
  • Bolli: Can I possibly add a comment.
    You say you love him yet from what you described you kicked him out straightaway? He is a man not a priest why did you not listen to what he had to say, rather than be quick to judge without trial.
    Relationships do have unhappy periods, they have periods of staleness too, it is how we deal with those periods that gets us through them. Not listening or trying to understand the other persons needs ultimately drives them into someone else’s arms.
    You judged him without a trial, do you live in a glasshouse?
    Please don’t see me as being harsh I sincerely sympathise with how disappointed you feel, but resolving issues by text and NC is not the answer.
    No one leaves a happy relationship and if you want to save this one or prevent the next one going the same way you need to listen and talk face to face. Texting is a forum to be misread and misunderstood.
    This is just my opinion and I hope it is of some help.
    As kehev says he must love you to be so hurt that you are with another man.
    If you scroll back to where men and women have broken hearts none of them went on so quickly into another relationship, they are all on here for around 1-2 years as single before they start another relationship
    With a bit of soul searching I think you can conclude that both you and him may love each other but are not "in" love with each other and thus the relationship needed to end
    Xx
  • Alice122: There is a lot to this story which hasn’t been covered fully.
    This was not the first time he cheated. I had caught him cheating again only 1 month before. And when confronted he become emotionally abusive towards me. So "kicking him out" was not just as black and white as I had previously described. It needed to happen.
    He admitted that he is still pursuing this girl as he didn’t want to be alone.
    I guess, in an ideal world I wanted us both to grow and heal from this as our relationship was incredibly special.
    But in reality, it hasn’t worked like that and instead we have sought comfort in other people.
    I just wonder what the steps are you have to take to be able to resolve this. I’m sick of playing mind games but too scared to be vulnerable and honest about how I feel...which is I’m still completely in love with him and if we can work hard at this, I see a future.
  • Kevehv: To be honest you two are having a really unhealthy relationship. You may love each other but the fact is that he cheated on you several times but you had sex with some other guy quickly after you broke up aswell...
    This is OK if you both agree to have an open relationship but it seems you both get jealous so that will never work.
    When in a relationship with my ex I never even thought of cheating on her, I think that when everything is OK you simply won’t cheat.
    You could give it another shot with him but most people won’t change and he will most likely continue to cheat on you (behind your back?).
  • Bolli: Oh dear that is not good. To save any further heartbreak give up on him.
    I am not saying he is a serial cheater, rather he is looking for someone to meet the need he has as there is something missing for him in your relationship. This is so common, if we are not matched correctly with the right person we look to find that person that will meet that need elsewhere.
    It’s no ones fault.
    Men and women can make a mistake but when it is repeated then in our hearts we should know that it isn’t a one off mistake, we re not the right person for them, no matter how much they declare they love you
    Keep your dignity and call it a day.
  • iixreaperz: Hi everyone. Its already one week since I started the No contact. I have a question . Is it okay not to tell my ex that I already found out that she has a rebound? Shes keeping it as a secret. We had an agreement that we will meet up next year on June. I mean why shes keeping it as a secret? Is she afraid that I would know? I already tell her that if she has something else better tell me so that I could distance myself to you. Thankyou and more power.
  • Bollie: She probably doesn’t want to hurt you and secondly she might not be sure about the new guy so she hasn’t mentioned him.
  • iixreaperz: I want to tell her that I found out already. But i dont want to waste my 1week no contact coz i have to do it again. Shes just making that rebound a distraction for sure coz I know shes still love me.
  • Bollie: I wouldn’t mention it it will just embarrass her.
    Stick to the no contact and let her do the running.
    If you want to contact her use email and make sure you have some kind of news rather than a needy chit chat, but keep it a light and happy tone, humour
    Good luck
  • iixreaperz: Thank you very much @bollie.
  • phungdinhquang: I really enjoy reading your blog, you made me happy actually lol. But I have one problem, me and my ex went the same school. I was so confident and happy until I saw my ex in the hallway, ignore me and walk away. My confident of move one got shutdown when ever i saw her. I still keep acting happy and I ignore her too,...But i can feel the hole in my heart getting bigger when i saw her. How can I get over this ? Does she feel the same way ? Thank you
  • Bolli: To ignore you is a very cold thing to do. She is either angry with you about something or emotionless and if she is the latter then I would move on quickly to someone who has a warm heart, and count it as a lucky escape
    If you think she could possibly be angry with you, then I would talk to her ask what’s up, it’s best to clear the air no one needs ex’s that hate them x
  • phungdinhquang: @bolli:
    I don’t think is angry with me,...It would be awkward to talk again after the break up face to face right ? That’s what i think. Here is my story: http://www.relationshiptalk.net/question-about-nc-and-serveral-questions-955312.html
  • Gabriel: I think you are right I love my ex-wife but it takes to make a relationship work I will start to enjoy my life an better my self
  • Bolli: Hello phungding
    I read your story, so sorry for how you are feeling.
    A relationship works better when together as when apart actions can be misunderstood one can look too needy or too aloof. You needed more time together two or three years before your relationship can survive being apart.
    I’m afraid you need to move on in this particular case and take it as part of learning about life and nurturing love.
    There is a woman out there waiting For you somewhere, so hurry up and set sail through un-chartered waters to find her, don’t waste time my love on this ex, it is over so Point your ship into the horizon and off you go, and please enjoy every moment along the way....
    Life is about the journey not the destination X
    X
  • Quangphungdinh: @bolli:
    Hey, its been a whilr since i asked for help and still have someone replied till today, its cool to see that. Well it has been 3 months since the break up, im in such a good shape now. No longer sorrow and depress. She’s acting weird lately, always do something to get my attention, still watch my fb story and snapchat. She’s still being cold toward me but i guess she’s too shy and afraid to talk with me maybe she wants me back but you know what ? I have chosen the road to move on and i feel alot better. But somewhat inside me want her back, my instinct told me we will comeback someday in the future but i won’t give a **** until something between us happens.( i have started some conversation she seem looking forward me to say something about the rela but i just cut it off lol). Until then, i will still focus on hobby and on my way to become a music producer. Thanks for still caring my question lol
  • Enrico: What do I think?
    That you are simply GREAT.
  • Martian: What a genuine, well written and well thought out piece. Thank you very much. That’s been very helpful and I will bookmark to read again
  • darkangel: I have read so many articles like this and honestly it discusts me how sometimes your answers for people are wrong or you don’t have allot to base such an opinion on..example...no not all rebounds last only short amount of months..and just because a rebound is lasting longer than what some of you are calling typical doesn’t make that so...my son cheated and his rebound lasted 2 years and it was very much a rebound..and though it hurts to hear and for someone to say..but these men though they’re in rebound relationships..they are trying to make the relationship work because they think it’s going to be better then the last..I know my son did..but guess what, it wasn’t. And his rebound turned out to be far worse then he thought his ex to be..My ex...he’s in his rebound still and it’s been 6 months now, but...he talks to my daughter about me..tells her how sorry he was for how he treated me and how he did things so wrong..and though she’s trying to see if I ever forgave him would he come back, I know she knows how much my heart is broken and I loved him and still do but though he’s said nothing to say he’s jumping at that now..the things he has said are that I’m still in his heart and always will be and that because he and I only just started talking, that in time things could change...and as for him and the ***** he cheated with..not only does he and I now talk 3x’s a week via private messages...she and him are already having problems only 6 months in..and sounds like they might even have started sooner . He’s told my daughter that he has moments of such anger with her, and then the next time she asked him how they were doing he said " eh, we have our ups and downs like any relationship"...we never did until a year and a half was our honeymoon period..but after only 6 months in he’s feeling such moments of such anger towards her and they’re already having ups and downs...yes I would love very much to take back what she took from me and don’t care if it’s the same way..sometimes people just want to hear they got a chance, and not all the psycho babble bs of why they shouldn’t want to or how fare and how you should just basically let sleeping dogs lay..uh no..that’s not what gets you anywhere..I would agree with the other articles I’ve been reading that staying fresh in his mind does help my cause because we’ve had such good conversation like we needed to have..and should I be able to keep the conversation going then who knows it could lead to hanging out especially with them already having their problems..when we talk it’s up to an hour and a half every time..that’s not someone not wanting to talk to me...I know if we keep the talking it could grow to more then hanging out..and from hanging out..I know without a doubt those temptations will be there..and you know what..ta’ hell with what all your articles say about not being the wrecker of his new things because guess what..she was of mine..so should that oppertunity come up..oh I have every intentions on getting him back the same way she took him..because ya’ know..the ***** don’t get to always win it..why should we have to be told to behave like the good little looser...that’s horse ****..sometimes you just gota stop being the victim and just take back what’s yours..I was with him for 6 long years..and I put up with so much I did..but I also know where all his bs came from the demons he fights inside..I know the things he pushes you away from getting to..but I did get there..but I made the usual typical mistakes, that I can’t believe that given the chance to spend that time together he wouldn’t see that they wearn’t issues anymore..I did cut back on the sex..allot and there were times that I could have done more with him but put more time in being "mom" to my kids that are all grown. Those were my mistakes because I have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything with no obligations of children because mine are grown..now the one he cheated on me for, she has very young kids, and she’s got a long way to go still of putting kids before him..and should he and I get to that place where we’re still having our good communication, we’re off doing fun things and having a great time and there is that magic there again, and while we’re feeling the magic and they’re having more and more problems, why wouldn’t he leave her for the better deal just like he did me..why wouldn’t he go to where the good feelings are, just because it’s me the ex, like he would never find something so incredibly new in us that he would pass that up..especially when he has the pattern of always lining someone up before he cuts and runs so he’d have a place to live because he can’t get a place of his own. His child support takes half of everything so he’d have to have a room mate of some sort. So though yeah sure, he could quite possibly just line up someone new..and we’d still talk and become friends and it be nothing more than that, but..it is highly possible he might not..and I know that I have a better shot than someone new because he did for a very short time start talking to another girl while with this new girlfriend, and tried to meet up like 3x’s said lets meet up have lunch, etc..but since he’s been talking to me again, he doesn’t talk to that other girl anymore. She messages him but he doesn’t respond..so I’d say that my odds of wedging any real investment between her and him and being the calm and peaceful quiet when we’re together while he and her are starting to get toxic gives me pretty good odds he’s look my way, he’ll want another shot..and I don’t give a **** who can’t understand that or how people in their own opinion says that’s just crazy. I have uncles and aunts that made it to their 50th wedding anniverseries and ya’ know what..my uncles cheated , one of my uncles use to hit my aunt..but these women stayed and fought for the man that they loved and endured, and guess what, by the time everyone reached the age to retire my aunts had the upper hand of their marriage, they held the control because they ran my uncles, and my uncles knew it. But what everyone out there today would mock and shake their heads and point their fingers accusing that you’re crazy for even thinking such nonsense, you didn’t grow up in my era..sure..these young lil’ girls use the ***** like it’s power, it’s only bait, and good bait I’ll give you that, but it takes a real woman to keep that man, but first I’v got to reclaim what’s mine, and i will, because she will never love him like I do because she don’t know him like I do. She is all about the outside and that shows, taking their millions of beautiful lil’ pictures together, he’s beautiful he is, but there is more to him than that, and the fact that she’s got to post a fake status that they’re engaged thinking that’s going to protect her form him being taken from her, then yeah, that’s not secure in her situation. I will be sure to post my own article as I have journaling my whole experience and this whole journey. If we do find our way back to each other or don’t I’ll post it with all the things that I did that either worked or didn’t because people need to stop hearing the psycho babble and just want to hear the truth, do I have a chance, could I get him back, and not have to hear should they want to or about what’s fare, there is no fare in love and war!! There is none!! We make our own fate, and are masters of our own universe, so if you want something so so bad, then get off ur butt, give it ur all, and take back what’s yours.! Nothing is impossible, everything is possible.
  • Bollie: Hello Dark Angel
    Your quote of us being masters of our own destiny is so true. Our lives depend on the choices that we make. When someone has been truly let down by someone they love and are heartbroken, they find themselves on this site, because the big question is do they pursue their ex or not?
    People who have been fooled by a loved one, lied to and cheated on may question their own judgement and as a result turn to this website for affirmation, it has helped many people by giving them a second opinion, the ability to look at the relationship from a different angle, and that is all it is, a second opinion. Ultimately, they are masters of their own destiny and have to make the choice of what to do next, but at least by using this site they have covered all bases and examined their situation from all angles before coming to a decision.
    I argue that they are not the losing horse because if they have been treated horribly then it is the other person who is losing out because they are leaving someone who is genuine, and what is our guy losing, a cheater? A liar perhaps?
    You mention take back what is yours, we do not own people, nor do we own love, sadly love comes and goes as it pleases, yes one can manipulate situations, bully, play the guilt card and get the person back, but that’s all they got back the person, genuine loves comes by its own accord, it cannot be manipulated or bribed or bullied
    If you read your article out loud to yourself you will notice there is a pattern in this man that you are describing to us all, as when the going gets tough he moves onto the next woman. So your plan is to get this man back because he will tire of his girlfriend and the difficulties of raising young children, which is why he left you. What does that say to you about this man? Can you not see a pattern happening here, do you think he is a keeper... ?
    Life can present all sorts of difficulties even without kids and will this guy support you through it or move on and find himself another woman who he deems more fun....X
  • Ced: If it’s not too much, kindly send me an email. Trying to do the right thing but somehow these constant "what ifs" have been making influence in making me do something really foolish. I hope to hear from you soon.
    Thanks.
  • Bollie: Dear Ced
    This website does not give out email addresses I’m afraid. I hope you are ok
  • Dean: There so many comments, and it’s difficult to find... but I am just curious, for these 5 years since you wrote that post, did she come back at any point? Or at least did she want to be back at any point? I had similar experience before, and she wanted to come back after 3 years! Now I have more recent experience... again. But it’s been too soon, and have no idea what to expect.
  • EvenRoseshaveThorns: Hi Dean,
    Nope, but I did not seek contact either because I just did not want too. Gave it peace and let it be, the past will be the past and in the end it just did not work out.. I embrace what we had but we were just not on the same pages. I found my new love just 1 year later and we are still happy together! The outcome at the start (end of the breakup) is not relevant as you should heal first and will start to see things clearly later on. This does not mean that some might come back together, but there are so many different factors in life which can change the outcome. In the end, be happy with yourself!
  • Dean: Thanks for the honest answer. You should know, that your post helped me and I am sure lots of other people! For me, these same old story repeats itself for a second time. Though, having been able to move on the first, also contributed a lot. But it wasn’t easy the second time, whatsoever. Thanks again and wish you all the best!
  • Broken 77: I read this article and it’s really good, got me hopeful and motivated - until I read the ending. You did all the right stuff, but it still didn’t work out. It literally is just fate or destiny and stuff then, not about how we handle ourselves.
  • Will_G: Amazing article just when I was beginning to lose hope this article inspired me to not give up quite yet. Thank you very much needed it
  • Exo: I felt that she is becomimg diffrent in the last month so i hacked my fb account and i found her contacting somone i get mad i ended everything she tried to comeback but i refused after 2 month i contacted her to find her in a relation with this guy she was dispersed in the last monthes before we broke so he treated her becouse he is an owner of a page that cure dispersed people i contacted her i tried to get her back but she told me that they told each other that they love each other we were together for 5 years and after one month she is with that guy online cuz he is living in another country i did everything i cried to her i beged her i screamed i plammed her and i removed her from my fb and instagram long time ago we just can comunicate on whts app and right now before i rote this i contacted her i said hey i understand you and i am happy for your new relationship is there is any chance to get her back i talked to the guy that she is with now and he is a good guy he told her everything she wanna hear so what can i do ? Thanx and by the way they talk every day since the break up i guess she replaced me

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