Dumped..Why Do I Feel So Bad?

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You are hurting so bad..You really loved your ex.. Life does not seem worth living any more. The color and meaning to it has gone.

Your are hurting because your attachment bond to that person has been broken. It is very powerful. When in close romantic relationships, we bond chemically with the person we love, we both almost literally become one.

When we fall in love, our brains release chemicals, chemicals that bind us together as a couple. Subsequently in the following weeks and months in the acts of mutual loving we do, both partners sub-consciously transmit regulatory information (through something called Limbic Resonance) that can alter the other partner’s heart rhythm and immune system function, hormone levels, sleep pattern and bodily growth. And then that partner re-transmits and effects the other partner in the same way so that they literally begin to function as a completely new-entity, a pair of organisms. A relationship...

When we badly separate from our ‘partner’ our brains are flooded with extra chemicals, like dopamine, norepinephrine, and similar excitatory compounds — leaving us more obsessed, energized, and possibly more desperately in love than ever. Such “frustration attraction” provides extreme determination to regain our exes. Which may, if we are chasing them, make them run even faster..away from us.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limbic_resonance

You can see how powerful this is in babies, by looking at this clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0

It might help if you try to think of what you are feeling like this:

You are two years old, you’ve just gone to a strange place with your mother or significant other who is been looking after you every day since you were born. You are there happily playing with her, but you get distracted with the exciting brightly colored toys that you are looking at.

After a few minutes of playing with the toys you turn around and she is no longer there!! She had gone out of sight.. (temporarily to the rest room.. but you don’t know that..) You instantly get an empty, scary, painful feeling in your chest as you frantically look around in fear and anxiety of being abandoned. Are you good enough to be loved? Was it something you had done? You feel defective, shame and unworthy, it’s your fault that she has gone... if only you had been better behaved. Can you survive on your own? Who will feed you and look after you?

Really scary??!!

During a romantic break up, all that has happened with the same unconscious thoughts and painful feelings...but now, hopefully as an adult, you can survive.. it might be painful for a few months, but you can survive.

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.

29 Comments:

  • Rey: survive- yes. but survival and life are two different things
  • Johnny Nicks: Hi Rey, yes, but usually one leads to the other..Do you feel you are only surviving?
  • rheak: @Rey.. i’ve been in survival mode for a very long time. Years. And i have pestered Nicks and others here with my despair many times. It gets better eventually. Sometimes there is a fall and despair again but it’s way better than in the begining. You are not alone. Lean on us when time is rough. *hugs*
  • Johnny Nicks: Rheak, you only feel you are in survival mode, and you have never pestered me.. :)
  • guest: sometimes after survival stage, and several attempts of going back, there is acceptance of inadequacy for meaningful relationships.
    I wonder if this is the effect of being constantly subjected at "still face" sessions in childhood, without a reasonable follow-up of reassurance moments. No one to blame, just fuked-up life.
  • Johnny Nicks: Hi Guest.
    Regular “Still face” tends to cause emptiness in adulthood and be the cause of much addictive behaviour ... and chronic low self-esteem :(
  • rheak: Thank you Johnny :) this "still face" sounds familiar :/
  • Johnny Nicks: Rheak do some searches for relationship addiction.. it might help..
    Do you have any good close friends?
  • Sonadora: Shadows settle on the place that you left. Emptiness gnaws at the insides of my being. Empty road. Vacant eyes. Barren soul. Broken dreams.
  • Johnny Nicks: Oh Sonadora, you sound like you are still in so much pain. Big hug :(
  • Guest: Placing to much value on romantic relationships ...that is the emptiness!
    We accept friends come and go...accepting bf/gf do the same...is the challenge.
  • Spitfire:

    Nice blog that sees love in scientific perspective. Science always try to find the answer for everything. I have a lot of respect for science but some things in life like love and how did this world and human beings came to exist are still mysteries. Personally, I’d like to left them that way. Being dumped is hurt, full stop. Even when you don’t love the person who dumps anymore (perhaps because the chemicals in your brain have worn off, lol), it’s still going to hurt. Why is it excruciatingly painful to be dumped by someone you still very much in love with? Because losing anything that you deemed as yours is always painful, and the more you love that person/thing, the more painful it will be when you lose it. I broke my cellphone a couple of weeks ago and “lost” all of my contacts and files (nothing that’s irreplaceable though). I wasn’t attached or in love with my phone or what’s on it, but not having it anymore was enough to give me major anxiety attack and make me depressed. I felt lost, disoriented, isolated, sad and angry. Was owning that phone triggered the same chemical reactions in my brain like falling in love? I don’t think so, but that phone was mine and so was everything on it, so it was hard to let all of it go.

  • Johnny Nicks: Sometimes all losses feel the same:(
    Big hug Spitfire. Hope you are ok now?
  • Spitfire: Yes, sort of, thank you. I have adjusted and adapted to live without my broken phone, lol. That’s what we all must do when facing a lost. Adjust and adapt..
  • Vale: Johnny, just wondering, do you think that constantly being distracted by technology (phone, tablet, etc.) will have a similar affect as "still face"? I notice that a lot of people, even if they are sitting together, are not interacting with each other, but rather looking at their phone / tablet / etc.
  • Baron A.:

    Technology just like anything else can affect a relationship sometimes without your knowing of the impact. Before the television was invented families found other ways to pass the time, then the television and so we had to start educating persons that the television had to be scheduled like any other thing. Phones are now taking over and will affect relationships if we are not careful. Let us be deliberate in how we handle these gadgets or they will take over our lives.

  • Spitfire: Yeah, I just love technology. Can’t wait for myself to be "chipped", LMFAO!
  • Spitfire: That’s the price that we have to pay in the name of technology, no more freedom and privacy. Already we are all public properties. I miss those days when we had to go to telephone booth to make calls...
  • Vale: Maybe can someone do a blog about how technology is changing relationships? :D
  • gummybears: Hey vale, as off topic is this I get what you’re sayin.
    When I signed up to FB for the first time I felt the need for likes and such on my posts. Much like here with the thumbs up actions. When I got some: "yay!". When none: -sadface-
    The still face experiment has not been redone accounting for the human need for agency....yet. The experiment was done along the guidelines of the accepted attachment theory paragigm.
    The gist of what I’m saying is that I agree with you in that I see the still face experiment being done on a daily basis by millions of people on social network platforms.
    I also find it interesting that we have also created the need and use of emoji’s as a way to recreate the lack of face-to-face human response that is also regarded as critical in the still face experiment. ....Or maybe we just need smiley faces to feel connected?
    Back to the topic though....
    This limbic resonace thing is a good topic to discuss. Mostly because people ignore what happens to them biologically during breakups. We usually just deal with the emotions. And emotions are only a part of what happens to us after experiencing a loss of a close ‘other’.
    Our physical body goes through immense changes that affect our emotions and thus behaviors after such breakups. It would be helpful to Point this out to others.
  • Vale: That’s a good idea Gummybears, maybe you could do a post about the physical/behavioural changes :D
    Just as a side note, I find that I use emojis a lot when I am not sure how people will take what I have written. I think they help replace the visual clues that we lack when conversing online through text only.
  • Kitty: This is helpful and so true
  • Johnny Nicks: Many thanks kitty:)
  • livelife72: Vale, like your idea about the blog on how technology is changing relationships. Gonna get some thoughts together on this :) And having a 17 year old in the house I see how differently her relationships are compared to how mine were at her age. It’s enlightning. I’m also an Human resources manager and I study and research human behavior and relationships all the time. Good topic to discuss!
  • SomebodyElse: Are you hiring?
  • livelife72: Do you live in Indiana??
  • SomebodyElse: Lol. I wish I did. New Jersey here! But thank you for answering.
  • Vale: Livelife72, if you manage to write a blog about how technology has changed relationships, please post a link here!

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