How Important Is Virginity, Really? How Long, And Why, Should You Wait?

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Here’s my virginity story.

I grew up in a Baptist household where sex was VERRRY taboo unless and until you were married. God thought it was sin and you would be punished. Therefore I was on my high horse and *I* was going to be a virgin!!!

Unfortunately, that probably meant I was going to die a virgin, because due to growing up in a very sick household I felt unlovable and like no one would ever love me. And I fell for people out of my league who didn’t even know I was alive. And I was one horny girl all through my teens, twenties, and early thirties, when the human body is young, healthy, strong, and looks and works its best. And yes, in the sexual department is what I mean.

Endometriosis runs in my family. I was only thirty when I started to notice some female problems. Before long I was at the GYN’s office every three months, because I had something on my ovaries nobody knew what it was, and I had to be watched for cancer.

When my sexual response started suffering, I figured if I wanted to have sex before my body completely stopped working the way it’s supposed to, I should find someone to do that with, and I might as well, because I still had low self worth and believed no one would ever love me or marry me anyway. I hated being in my thirties and feeling like a freak because everyone else had had love and sex in their lives for the past ten years.

What resulted was a two year relationship I was...well...mostly happy in. It was a good introduction to the world of sex–at the ripe old age of 32. By then, I had read and masturbated so much and I was so old it was no big thing.

Virginity is just a tiny tab of tissue. What’s more important is the experience of getting to know oneself as a sexual person and growing through that from one who’s still wondering what it’s all about, to that point where you’re experiencing and defining yourself sexually with another person, which is an important part of having a relationship go well long term.

When I was a girl, it was drummed into me at church how I-M-P-O-R-T-A-N-T your first sexual experience is, and how you’re going to regret it SOOOO much if it isn’t your husband, and so will he, and blah blah blah blah blah. Now, clearly, you don’t want your first experience to feel coercive, where one or both of you is drunk or under the influence, one person feels strongarmed, and it seems icky or uncomfortable and you don’t really want to. You want to feel cared about and safe. But the Lord ain’t gonna git you if you don’t marry the guy, and the right guy won’t care about your prior experience unless you have been dishonest or unsafe, emotionally or physically, about it.

It’s not. When I met the wonderful man I married, he expected I would be experienced and I expected he would be experienced, and it was actually better that we were, because we both knew ourselves better and that made our relationship better. I have never cared a **** that he wasn’t my first, and neither did he.

And that tiny tab of tissue?? Mine was so tight I had to stretch that out myself, carefully, over a number of years, because if I hadn’t, my first real sexual experience would have been torture. I remember reading the dimensions of the erect human ** and knowing my first sexual experience was going to be AWFUL. And I didn’t want that.

Now that I’m almost fifty, I have that fat old gramma belly, my husband is deceased, and I am unlikely to have sex ever again, I am angry about all those years I stuck my nose in the air and thought I was so virtuous for not having sex. I had to have a hysterectomy, and for the past three years my body hasn’t worked right anymore even when I’m alone. I will probably never have a normal sex life ever again. I look at those ten plus years I could have enjoyed a healthy sex life like other people and wish I could have them back again.

You never know what will happen with your health. One day–BLAM! You’re old, or you have cancer and the treatments rob you of normal sexual function, or you have diabetes or high blood pressure or depression and you need medication that does the same thing. Or you’re over fifty and doctors won’t prescribe hormones anymore because you might get breast cancer. Or you needed a hysterectomy and now you can’t have an *****. This doesn’t happen to everyone who has a hysterectomy, but it DOES happen to some people.

Youth is fleeting, but you will be old forever.

Real quick: The last big holiday your culture gives everyone gifts on, three years ago–do you remember anything you got??

I sure can’t remember anything anyone gave me for Christmas three years ago.

That’s what sex is like. Individual experiences of sex sort of meld together over the years and you can’t remember them any more that you remember this Christmas or that Christmas. What’s important is that, overall, you had a lifetime of Christmas experiences that overall you’re happy with.

That varies with each person. For me, I could have done without all the high-handed God-shaming, and enjoyed my body while it was still young, intact, and healthy, and could do all the things nature intended. We all assume bad things won’t happen to our health, and that we’ll be optimally sexually functional forever.

That isn’t always the case. Especially if you’re a woman, it’s something to think about. Menopause hits women sooner than aging hits men, and it affects our ability to respond sexually a whole lot more.

Be safe whatever you are going to do sexually. Learn about sexually transmitted diseases and their prevention, and use your head and don’t make a baby you aren’t ready to bring up.

But, think about these other issues also.

So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.

6 Comments:

  • Vale: I think a lot of people were taught the same as you, however, I read that abstinence is one of the worst types of sex education. It’s a shame that people aren’t taught that it’s natural and then also taught about STDs, pregnancy, etc. at the same time. I read that this type of all inclusive education tends to lead to a drop in teen pregnancy and STDs.
  • SomebodyElse: I once asked my mom what sex was like. She burst into tears. I didn’t ask her any more questions after that. My questions were eventually answered by an inappropriate relative (no one in my immediate family, thankfully). Luckily for me, it was all "tell" and no "show." I was too curious at the time to know that was weird.
  • rheak:

    I “lost” my virignity at 31. I wasn’t brought up religious, it just happened. But there was shame-induced education and sometimes i regret those years i could have had relationships maybe. I didn’t want to have meaningless or casual sex or even the thing is, rather, i didn’t find anyone who i felt would respect and value me or “see” me as a person. No guy wanted to date me or was interested in me. The only interest i got was when they were drunk and wanted to have sex. I think i am pretty decent looking, i am quite normally fit, i have many interests and i think i’m fairly smart. But It was never about me. My first relationship (and subsequently the “love of my life” for whom i suffered for the next about 4 years) was the first guy who actually took me out on a date and seemed to genuinely like me. I think sometimes that my body would have been so much perkier and i would have gained so many more things if i had it all earlier. I was very well read about sex and i masturbated and i pursued my interests so i wasn’t feeling horrible with loneliness, nor was i clueless about sex. But i had no experience with interacting with another human in a relationship and it didn’t help i ended up being a rebound for my first real love. I try not to regret things and i don;t really reget the sex part, i just wish at 36, almost 37, i would be closer to be able to have a family and less feeling like i can never get past the first few dates with someone because they get bored with me. I feel like i am so behind everyone, like i am living my teenage or university years now emotionally while everyone else is on to their second child already, and it feels like with every relationship there is a sense of urgency because i am wasting time if it goes nowhere, while if i were 24 or 25 i could “waste” a few years with someone and “see where it goes” without worrying i am becoming infertile or an old potential parent one day. Now i feel like even months with someone in a relationship that goes nowhere are wasted...

  • SomebodyElse: Rheak, I never wanted kids and never had any. Would you consider a relationship with someone who had kids?
    You aren’t here to keep your dates entertained. I’ve seen some of your posts, I think, and from what I remember, you seem smart and interesting.
  • rheak: Thank you. Yeah, but the men i have been with always gave me that impression that this is what i have to do. be perfect or otherwise they will leave. and they always did and prefered other women.
    I want kids and a family. And i want to bear children if i can. But i have considered a relationship with a guy who already had a kid, only he was not interested in a relationship
  • SomebodyElse: They may have gone for women they THOUGHT were perfect, but there is no such animal. You don’t need to pretend to be perfect, and sooner or later everyone’s got to drop that mask anyway.
    I used to think there was some magical thing other women had that I didn’t. Over the years I’ve come to think that good men mainly want to be liked and appreciated (sounds like the same thing you want). Some won’t appreciate you, but that true for every woman.

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