How To Recover From Abuse By Someone With Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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I was conducting some “research” this morning about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and other antisocial personality disorders, and I found a website which was very helpful to me. If you are dealing with getting over a narcissist or, if you have the need to understand how narcissists operate, this website will help you to understand that, although you might have become the unwitting victim of a narcissist, getting involved with such a person wasn’t entirely your fault.

I often chastise myself for having fallen in love with a narcissist because, as this article aptly points out, narcissists purposely tell their “victims” that they are special in order to capture their attention and perhaps even win their undying love and devotion.

However, what victims of narcissists need to understand is that, for people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, behaving the way they do is something they have studied religiously because of their special needs.

Narcissists thrive on admiration, and, while they are telling you that you are special or even that you are the answer to their dreams, they are probably be telling other people the same story because narcissists only feel safe in numbers. They must always have a bunch of admirers (aka “narcissistic supply”) in order to feel whole. In simpler terms, you will eventually find out that, no matter how much love you give them, you are NEVER enough for them.

Below is a link to the article which I found so helpful.

http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/2016/06/04/how-to-avoid-being-manipulated-by-narcissistic-people/

The reason it’s so difficult to free ourselves from narcissists, according to this article, is that narcissists can be very charming, and that they use this charm in order to convince us, their victims, that we are the answer to their dreams. At the same time, however, they eventually become the answer to our worst nightmares.

Think about this logically. The narcissist who won our hearts has been practicing his or her ”trade” for many years. Narcissists start out by studying you and finding out what matters to you personally. If you’re an opera singer, they will talk about opera and tell you how much they admire your singing. If you like a particular city, they will tell you that it’s their favorite city, too. In other words, whatever you tell them about yourself, they will try to mirror what you tell them, thereby making you believe that they have a lot in common with you and perhaps even that they are your soul mate.

Typically, narcissists will be on their best behavior at first, and the good behavior can last months, even years, or for as long as they believe they have total control over you. Once they believe you might be “onto them”, their impeccable behavior will change drastically. Most importantly, you must understand that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are incapable of love. All they can do is play at love and pretend they are in love with you, while at the same time they take control over your lives and make you wonder if there is something wrong with you, if Heaven forbid, you criticize them.

This article is one of the best articles I’ve ever read about narcissists, and I highly recommend it. There are also a whole slew of other articles on this website which might be of interest to you. The following represents a list of important points which I culled from this article, as well as points I would like to make about narcissists which are not covered by the article.

1. From day one, a narcissist who targets you will do everything and anything to establish a rapport with you by pretending they love what you love. You like pizza? It’s their favorite food. You love Paris? So do they. And on and on. My narcissist made sure to ask me to sing and play piano for him because he claimed that his parents used to sing in public and that he loved music. I don’t doubt that my ex-boyfriend liked music, but in time I learned that he was much more interested in orchids and in famous paintings than in music.

2. The narcissist will study you and find out what makes you tick. They will especially hone in on your weaknesses. Are you having financial problems? The narcissist will try to help you out financially. My narcissistic ex-boyfriend met me right after my late husband killed himself and left me with astronomical bills. My ex immediately suggested a way for me to make deals with my creditors, thereby saving me over $100,000! Of course, it helped that my narcissistic ex was a lawyer!

3.At the beginning of your relationship with the narcissist, he (she) will turn on the charm. Never has anyone showered you with so much attention as the narcissist. My narcissist used to contact me at least five times a day to let me know he was “thinking about me.” I sometimes wonder how many other women he was contacting at the same time.

4. The narcissist will make sure that his/her needs will be satisfied by you and that you are the type of person who will go that extra mile to please him or her. My narcissistic ex-boyfriend was highly sexed, and he was so skilled sexually that he convinced me that anal sex was the best kind of sex. In all honesty, I loved having sex with him because, not only did he please himself, but he pleased me in ways no one ever had even tried to please me... at first.

5.Gradually, you will learn that the narcissist lacks empathy. I once had a problem, and I called my narcissistic ex-boyfriend on the phone, and, after I explained my situation, his response was, “Why are you calling me about this? What does it have to do with me?”

6. Eventually, you will catch the narcissist in a lie and you will call him out about it. The narcissist will somehow tell you that he/she didn’t lie and that you either misheard something or that you are overreacting to some innocent remark he or she might have made.

7. The narcissist can never be wrong, so you will always be blamed for their mistreatment of you. The narcissist will “dumb down” your expectations, and in time you will get used to being told that he can’t see you because “something more important came up” or because of the nature of his work life. If you complain or express disappointment, he or she will tell you that you are hard to please, are overreacting or are high maintenance.

8. The narcissist has no concept of boundaries and eventually he will violate one of your boundaries which might lead to the point of no return. My narcissistic ex-boyfriend was always weird when it came to sex, but he eventually did something to me which was beyond weird — it was perverted and dirty. It had nothing to do with S&M, but it was definitely sick and perverted. And, it was a real eye-opener for me.

9. When you tell the narcissist he/she has crossed an important line with you, he/she will argue that you overreacted. When I finally had the courage to tell my narcissistic ex-boyfriend that what he tried to do with me was way outside of my comfort zone, he told me that I didn’t have to embrace all of it. He said I could have told him it was too much. But, he never said he would stop doing it. That was a deal-breaker for me. I knew then that he was seriously perverted and that he might even try to go farther the next time, if there was a next time.

10. When it comes time to leave the narcissist, you have to either pretend the person died, that the relationship died or simply stop contacting him or her. This is because the narcissist doesn’t want to give you up. It doesn’t matter if the narcissist lives near you or far away from you, he/she will want to continue to be part of your life and to try to control you as much as is humanly possible. I have not had any contact with my narcissistic ex-boyfriend in over a month now. I have to admit there are times when I miss the intellectual and sexual bantering, but I don’t miss his hurtful words or his talk about the other women in his life. I also don’t miss hearing that what he did the last time he saw me was “one of the most erotic experiences he ever had.”

In fact, ever since I stopped communicating with my narcissistic ex-boyfriend, I haven’t had blood pressure spikes, anger issues and the desire to get back at him. In my mind, he is someone I used to know and someone I used to love who eventually abused me. I realized that it all happened because I allowed it to happen. So, on some level, I was as much at fault as he was. One last thing: Narcissists tend to zero in on people who are overly empathetic or who are recovering from a traumatic event.

You also need to know that anyone can become the “victim” of a narcissist because these people are masters at their “trade” and they can convince you that you are special and that they are the most special person in your life. You might not see the red flags at first, but, remember that, when someone seems too good to be real, he or she usually is.

I hope that the article I posted and my blog will help you distance yourself from your narcissist. Doing so isn’t easy in spite of memories of abuse. After all, you will also have memories of the great times you shared. I also recommend that you start keeping a journal. If you start weakening when you think of the great times, try to tell yourself over and over again that they were never real.

Foxie

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So... what do you think? Please leave me a comment.

33 Comments:

  • vitameg: Interesting blog Foxie.
    Glad you are posting.
    It rings some bells for me but I guess it’s not a test to identify narcissism. Some of these behavior could be seen on other types of personalities.
    Please tell me, while you were with your ex, did it ever come to a point in your sexual life when you were satisfying him so good that he lost control? As you are telling about all that happened, it does seem that he liked to be in control in intimacy. And if that happened, him losing control over himself and hence felling he was submitted to you... how he reacted?
    You seem open about your experience so I hope it’s ok to ask, if not, I apologize.
  • FoxieLadie: vitameg, actually what happened is that my ex lost control during intimacy and he expected ME to submit to something totally perverted and disgusting. If you look up the word "coprophilia", you will understand what I’m talking about. I just couldn’t get into it, even though he had wanted me to, and I had to set a boundary for myself. He couldn’t accept the fact that I refused to do what he wanted me to do, and we argued about it. He claimed it was the most intimate thing he ever tried to do with a woman, and I claimed that for me it was a turnoff. He kept trying to convince me to try it again and I told him that, if he can’t accept the fact that what he did turned me off, then we were done. It had nothing to do with him submitting to ME. He wanted me to submit to him. Foxie
  • vitameg: Hi Foxie.
    I totally understand you reaction, and I understand what you were saying. I only was asking if something the other way around ever happened?(not you asking him something over his boundaries, but doing something pleasing to him that made him lose control over his body)
  • SomebodyElse: Hi, Foxie. That Guy always sounded like a predator to me. Now he’s a predator AND gross, too.
    You have better fish to fry.
  • Vale: Foxie I’m glad to see that you are taking steps to make sure that you continue to maintain no contact with your Ex. Hopefully the more you read and learn the less and less likely you will be to ever contact him again! You are much better off without him!
  • gummybears: I’m glad for you too Foxie!
    .
    Everything we are taught regarding being good to others, is twisted and used against us with narcissists.
    .
    And it’s hard to break free and stay free after your kind of experience.
    .
    take time to breathe. Take time to see the moments as they are, because now, all of the little things are gifts made just for you.
    .
    I remember an old number sticker that always pops into my head during trying times....
    .
    Keep on truckin’
    .
    You’re doing good girl.
  • FoxieLadie: vitameg, what you were asking about never happened. No matter what I asked him to do, he never lost control over his body. He only lost control over his body when he wanted ME to do something nasty!
  • FoxieLadie: Somebody else, Yup and predator and a pervert — two p’s - lol. I sure hope I have better fish to fry. I certainly don’t want to fry or taste anything that comes out of my ex’s *ss!
  • FoxieLadie: gummybears, thanks for your words of encouragement. Believe it or not, it can be very difficult to recover from narcissistic abuse, especially after you thought the narc. was your soul mate and turned out to be a narcissistic pervert!
  • FoxieLadie: Vale, I am trying my best to continue No Contact with my ex. He contacted me a few times via email, but I simply did not respond. I blocked him from Facebook page, but I didn’t block his email account because I still owe him money. But, now it’s strictly business. I simply put the check in the mail every month and I don’t say anything to him.
  • SomebodyElse: Foxie,
    Ew. That is all.
    ;p
  • gummybears: I believe it foxie.
    I believe it.
    You have good folks on your side.
    Always remember that.
  • Johnny Nicks: Foxie, are you being totally honest with yourself about why you have not blocked him on email?
  • SomebodyElse: I guess you could PayPal him. I bet he has an account. It it’s just business, have him send you statements. He’s a lawyer so I’m sure he knows how to bill people. I don’t socialize with my lawyer. I can’t afford to.
    It seems that you always leave him a lifeline, and that just encourages him to push for more than you want. I don’t give a **** about him, but I do about you.
    Come on. He’s a pervert who treated you shabbily. He must be punished! ;)
    Do you want me to shoot him? ;)
  • FoxieLadie: Somebody else: Ew is right!!!!
  • FoxieLadie: gummybears, thanks. I do have a good support system, that’s for sure.
  • FoxieLadie: Johnny, Good question. Maybe a part of me keeps thinking that he will get rid of his perversion or maybe part of me misses the good times and the positive attention he gave me. You are right on the money with your question. That’s why I’m having problems with this No Contact — namely, that he keeps contacting me. In fact, he contacted me this morning about a woman he met not too long ago who is backing away from him. I almost expected this to happen because she’s a clinical social worker and she probably knows all about NPD and sees it in him. I didn’t respond to him, but I suspect he contacted me because his new relationship is going south... the issue is: why should I even care?????
  • Johnny Nicks:

    So you do know now that you were unconsciously colluding with him? ;) lol That’s fine then..

  • SomebodyElse: ‘Cause you still have a thing for him?
    As maddening as he can be, you still have the attraction?
    I once pursued (in my typical passive-aggressive courting style) a guy I didn’t even LIKE. But he turned me on, I don’t know why. He was in my law school class, so I was around him for 4 long years. Finally we hooked up in my 4th year, and it was like "meh." But you had a lot of chemistry with Whatshisname. He seems to like to see how far he can push you beyond where you might go with normal guys.
    I once read that the shortest test for seeing if someone is a narcissist is to ask him "Are you a narcissist?" He will invariably say "No."
    I just bought Harvey Cleckley’s study of sociopaths called "The Mask of Sanity." I hope to get through it in the next couple of weeks.
    Be careful, Foxie ;)
  • Constance: i know you loved him but you did right to leave him. That is utterly vile behaviour.
  • FoxieLadie: Johnny, I had to laugh at your using the words "unconsciously colluding" because I didn’t think a person could engage in collusion while they were unconscious! Are you sure you didn’t mean "subconsciously"?
  • FoxieLadie: Somebody Else, maddening is right! I think it’s a good thing for me to be in therapy in order to help me cope with Gary’s cancer, but I never thought I would still need therapy to get over Barry... you said you passive-aggressively courted a guy in law school whom you didn’t even like — what is there about lawyers that bring out the worst in us? Yeah, I did have a lot of chemistry with the Bastardly Barrister, and he sure knew how to push my buttons. A book I’m reading about narcissism called BECOMING THE NARCISSIST’S NIGHTMARE by Shahida Arabi makes me question if the barrister is a true narcissist or if he is a combination of a narcissist and a person with antisocial or borderline personality disorder... in any case, he certainly isn’t normal and part of me is nuts to have any residual feelings for him. I am beginning to think I had trouble getting over him because he paid a lot of attention to me... ugh.
  • FoxieLadie: Constance, his behavior was vile for sure... it was that behavior that gave me the courage to get out of Dodge!
  • Johnny Nicks: Foxie, im pleased you still have your sense of humour...yes subconsciously is probably more accurate.. :)
  • FoxieLadie: By the way, I’m not suggesting that my ex didn’t have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but I am suggesting that some of his bizarre behavior could indicate that, in addition to being a narcissist he could have a more deeply seated personality disorder such as Asocial Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
  • SomebodyElse: Omg, Foxie, I never thought of that! I wonder if smart manipulators tend to become lawyers. I didn’t practice very long, because the lawyers were slimier than the clients!
    I don’t know what disorder Whosis has. Maybe he’s just an AH.I don’t think that’s in the latest DSM, but maybe it should be.
    Buck up, Missy. You deserve better. You HAVE better.
    :p
  • FoxieLadie: SomebodyElse, not to worry about all lawyers being narcissists - lol! My late husband was a lawyer, and he wasn’t especially narcissistic. You definitely are more of an empath than a narcissist! I know my ex-bf is an AH. I know rationally that I have better and that I deserve better than Barry, the Bastardly Barrister!
  • SomebodyElse: Holy mackerel, Foxie, I had forgotten I was a lawyer! Well, maybe my being an empath was the reason I came to loathe practicing law Before I left, one of the partners told me I was too nice and too conscientious. I think he meant that being nice was a liability in a litigation firm; I wasn’t enough of a cutthroat, and those are the people who get ahead, it seems. And for some reason I had thought your late husband had been a banker. I think I’m losing a step here.
    Thank you for the kind words. Nice to see them first thing this morning.
  • Thinking_Woman: Regarding the PD’s: I had been wondering that myself, considering what you posted about him. I know my mother is a borderline and am wondering if my grandfather was as well.
  • Thinking_Woman: Anyone wanting more information, the wonderful therapist Mark Smith was blindsided by a narcissist/BPD three years ago and has done a number of videos on the subject. Look up Family Tree Brand Life Coaches on YouTube. The videos are free.
  • FoxieLadie: Thinking Woman, thanks for the information on Mark Smith. Because it’s so hard to recover from narcissistic "vampirism", I tend to gravitate towards people who are conversant on this subject. I only know one person with BPD. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, her condition became so untenable that she wound up in a nursing home at the age of 55. She believes there are reptiles in her shoulders which eat up her medication before it has a chance to enter her blood stream. She has a lot of other delusions which make me wonder whether or not she is schizophrenic.
  • livelife72: FoxieLadie: Thanks for sharing and I had to look up your ex’s *****. Yikes, I have never heard of that before. You are a true inspiration here with all you have been through! I often wonder if my ex was a narcissist or not, he showed some of the qualitites but not all. But I do know going forward what to run from when I see it! :) Thanks for the blog!!!
  • FoxieLadie: livelife, I can’t say I knew what his perversion was called either — at first... all I know is that my ex turned out to be one very sick puppy. I know for a fact that he is a narcissist, and I know he was into some weird stuff, but I never thought he would go that far. It’s possible that your ex had some narcissistic tendencies but might not have been a true narcissist. Supposedly, true narcissists have to exhibit certain behaviors, some of which I enumerated in my blog.

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