I need advice about my relationship/break up. I'm going crazy, I can't control my thoughts.

So this is going to be a long one but please bare with me. I started dating my ex 3.5 years ago, and we had the most amazing relationship. He was 3 years older than me (i am now 21 years old and he is 24).

He was my first boyfriend, my first real partner, had my first time with him. We started dating when i just finished high school. He was 21 when we first started dating, had experience life on his own. It was the most amazing years of my life. I have never had that much fun with a person in my life. The love we shared was so beautiful. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. He was truly my best friend, we had each others back and there was not one day where he made me unhappy, didn't make me laugh, we literally always had a blast together. But i would always tell him that one day i would have to leave and go live my own life, i was never thinking forever together, not because i didn't want to. It just wasn't on my mind at all i had a clear idea of how i wanted to live my life, the adventure, the fun, meeting other people (was never on my mind during the relationship but just knew i probably would want to sometime down the line), travelling the world alone. He was more settled, working, just finished uni. But our relationship was so new and fresh, literally so much fun and love between us (this lasted well into 2.5 years of our relationship) that there was no reason for us to worry about that...yet.

Then the relationship evolved. It evolved to something serious, nearly too serious. We became partners, we travelled together, we grew up together, we became young adults together. There was nothing bad with it, at all. But i could my self slowly drifting away. Trust me the panic that went through me, my life became a routine, it wasn't excitement all the time but i was still happy to have him in my life, and even till the end of our relationship. We had moments where i was like ahhhh this is what i miss about us, this is what i love about us. We would always work as a duo, it was great.

Anyways with time i think i slowly started withdrawing. I got stability of the relationship, things started to become routine, he was literally the only person in my life and i think he might also have been the only source of happiness for me (his life was my life). Also there were moments where i just no longer wanting to be here, i didn’t feel the same way like i did, like i just changed. I truly cared about him and he truly cared about me. But something was missing, i was missing from the relationship... i wanted out. And it became worst and worst (without me really noticing when it started to happen), and one day i just knew we had to break up i just felt unsatisfied. Thing is it was never to do with him, how he treated me, or how he loved me, i know he can put a smile on my face in minus 2 seconds or how we got along together - i enjoyed that a lot wouldn't change it. Because of this i held on desperately while on the same time wanting to leave internally. It was a loosing battle. From the very beginning i was open about how i was feeling about the relationship, where I was in life and where i wanted to be. And as much as it hurt me this wasn't where i wanted to be anymore. Is it a maturity thing? Is it experience thing? Is it the need for independence? was it too serious too young and took it's toll on me? Is it cause i realised maybe this isn’t the right relationship for me anymore? I think all of them.

It's been very difficult. We decided that break up was the best option for us because he truly believes we belong together and that if we want a future together, i need time for myself to grow as an individual. And he knows if i stayed i would be miserable and we wouldn't last very long. I got accepted on exchange so we decided to stay together for 8 months try and enjoy it as much as possible (again wanting to break up wasn't because of him, and that made me so sad cause i was the only person stopping us from truly moving forwards as a couple). It was probably the most difficult 8 months of my life cause i just went back and forth about my decision to leave or stay or be together or break up. It got really bad that i couldn't stop crying everyday, or would barely function - this was my fault, i gave room to bad thoughts and fears "did i fall out of love", "is it over for good", "it's Bob how can i leave him, he is perfect", "we had so much fun together why did it changed", "i got bored", "he isn't the one for me", while when i was with him, i would feel warmth and comfort and just felt right having him be next to me and there was a real sense of belonging - i guess the answer is the relationship was simply no longer right for me, regardless that him and I still worked well together in tough times, and wanted happiness for both of us together because of what we had lived together for the past 3 years. But i just lost control of everything. I lost myself fully. Towards the end, although i wasn't better, we definitely found our way back together, we had moments at a festival which i wouldn't change for the world, and sitting in the surf i would look at him and totally understand why i fell in love with him. It made me happy again. I wasn't just going through life anymore, i felt us together again. But exchange was around the corner and we both knew what had to happen. It was really weird but i needed this change. I was desperate for it.

When we broke up, i would say things i don't know if i'll come back thats why I'm scarred of leaving. to be honest i knew if i would leave i wouldn't want to come back, at least anytime soon. Anyways the goodbye didn't feel like a goodbye, it just felt like i was going to see him later. I know i still felt for him when i left, but i was becoming another person and i was going into another chapter of my life.

I've been on exchange now for 4 months, and yes I've realised i have time for myself now, I've made friends, I've travelled, I've done things I've been wanting to do (didn't not get with other guys, not ready for it and he is still very much on my mind). I think about him constantly but in an unhealthy way. I'm still stuck in my back and forth thoughts. I try and convince myself i fell out of love with him and he isn't the right guy for me, but my internal feelings for him, what i actually think of him are completely the opposite (or is it the other way around?) so there i go on vertex of thoughts for months in a row. I know i didn't get to enjoy exchange fully but it was a good experience regardless of the thoughts. We barely speak - only because he truly wants to give me the room to experience my own life and leave no stone unturned. And when we do speak, we speak with gratefulness. I mean i have no real reason to be sad, i still have a great relationship with my ex, and i get to do me. I guess i needed reason behind my feelings of leaving him because it just didn't feel right anymore for me, so i try to understand where it happened and what went wrong but maybe I’m not ready to accept that it just "happened", cause i never wanted to experience that with him - never felt this way towards him in my life until this last year where things slowly creeped in about something not feeling right - . But i think i know i still love him, i think of him in a loving way and i know he can make me happy, our memories make me so happy i get a massive smile on my face.

I'm sad because i don't know what the future will hold for us, and I'm terrified that i might be giving room to the bad feeling and thoughts too much - i have no control over it its horrible and overwhelming. I no longer know if i should accept its the end of us for good (hurts me a lot), or hope for us to be happy again and hold on to what we had (makes me feel good; but fear this situation will happen again).

It's difficult because I know the relationship we shared, and i KNOW we can be happy together again if this feeling goes away (relationship feeling right again), but not now or it was how the relationship could have panned out if only we were right for each other? Cause i know how could that could have been and it hurts me. Is it the right relationship for me forever? how do I know this horrible feeling won't come again ("one where i felt like i wasn't moving and something didn't feel right anymore")? I don't and it terrifies me. The last thing i want is to see him and be like "oh you actually are not the one for me". That will crush me, because i miss him and i loved what we shared so much.

Overall he made me really happy and i have the deepest respect for him and so much gratefulness for our relationship. I guess now all i can do is do what i planned to do and where i wanted my life to head. But it was never easy leaving him and i don't think it ever was going to be easy. We have a bond now, regardless how i change as a person or how I've already changed theres a part of me that wants us together. He spoke about marriage and kids, and although i enjoyed the idea of it, i don't think i was ready to see it, let alone commit to it cause other than that he and i still had till the very last day this underlying bond- we had a lot of fun together but knowing whether he was the guy i wanted to spend the rest of my life with just pushed me away i just couldn't figure it out and it felt more forced. He is now saving for a house and i'm ready to see the world. I can picture us living our seperate lives, but looking at each other with a massive smile happy for what we lived together, while being sad it didn’t work out. But again i might not think this way of him in the future and that also scares me, loosing this loving feeling for him or caring less for him scares me - also a reason why i hold on so much.

It’s just not what i would have wished for us. And it’s truly a shame i feel this way.

Did anyone feel this way and got back together after growth as an individual? or was that the end for you guys? did you try again with an ex and did you feel the same way you felt when you left?

If anyone has any advice about the situation, how to handle the future or how to go about it (confused why i didn't choose to stay with someone i really enjoyed being around). Any stories or anything at all that could help me with my decision or my feelings and understanding why i'm going through this change would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

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Broken 77 avatar
2 months ago #2
Broken 77
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Hey,
You know how they say, giving each other "space" helps relationships grow?

You guys need that.

Please do not try getting back with him or something right now, you aren't sure.
Enjoy being single. Pick up hobbies and do things you always wanted to do when you said you were bored with him.
Keep in touch with him every now and then, but don't date him yet.
In fact, if you feel like dating someone else as he was your first, that would be good too. Experience life outside of this relationship. Try this for 6 months to a year and then assess if you are ready to be in a relationship with him or not.

What you are feeling is a sudden change of routine, because he was your first and only relationship. You don't know life outside of it. So this will help you.

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2 months ago #3
Anon050196
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Thank you so much for your reply! I am starting to realise being on my own and independent is what I wanted and it’s how I wanted to experience my life at some stage and i didn’t want to go down that commitment side and that’s where stability of a good relationship got to me. I know I got bored but I think it’s’ cause like I said in the first place I always wanted to live this this time alone at one stage in my life and staying in this relationship that was going towards long term like marriage and moving in together etc was right for me. We both want each other in our lives whether that’s is as a couple or not because we really do have a lot in common and truly get along. At the moment I don’t want to be in the relationship and I’m starting to accept that. I’m excited to see where my life takes me because I always wanted the adventure before settling and going into settling just wasn’t an option for me even since day one (telling him one day this is what would happen). I guess we stayed together for so long because we really did work well together and I know that. But I do feel like if we were to ever try again I need to be different I need to have grown. I realise how young I am and still am internally. I know that 6 months isn’t enough cause I’m just getting my head around it, i think I’ll need way longer than that. I have so much to learn and grow but I guess I’m still worried of what that could mean for us in the future.

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2 months ago #4
Anon050196
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Also sorry for my spelling, i'm writing on my phone and it's broken. 😊

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2 months ago #5
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Hi there.

I only got to read half and just had to skim the rest.

But unfortunately I recognize your story.

I know why you are going crazy.

Most of what I read all of us can relate so well.

In your head, you are a rock star personality. Either imagined or for real. You don't do well in home ec and sewing your own clothes is like watching lint. You're not opposed to family, it's not even that you think you are special or unique.

You are between two worlds.

The one where you know you want to be and the one that keeps you stuck with not knowing how to have everything you ever wanted. That's why this smothering one dude life temporary appealed to you. Because you don't want to hurt too many people when you board that plane with the band.

It's not that you aren't fun or amazing but in light of all of this, you're unique relationship was all or nothing. Not that you started out that way. Or that you don't love the relationship. You're having a blast because you're out there.

But, with all of this, what you think you want, and what your relationship did.

Imagine a graph. Your life is in the middle of the graph. Your perceived life is that of the unordinary. With BF, you became a recluse. Your thoughts on the graph place you at the right hand top of it. While your relationship placed you in the bottom left hand corner. So in some regards, the problem you cannot articulate, or see, and the puzzle for you is managing to stay in the middle of the graph.

How do I know all this?

anyway....

Your life imagined is out there and awesome. But because it isn't normal, you don't know how to hone in on it. The happiness you feel with dude is also red flag alert that is leading and keeping you further and further from your life dream.

The reason you are lost and confused is because you have no way to routinely patch the life you envision to mesh with being smothered too death with the boyfriend. You want to pack a stadium and he has you at some old man lounge watching a sports game for four hours while you sip on a diet coke. You want to be at the gym and he has you at the buffet. You want to be unique, he wants to sit at home, pass out and you are the only 19 year old sitting there watching the news.

You are just now on a path of having a taste of it.

You aren't wrong. You are very in tune with yourself. That is a gift.

All you are missing is the training to hone in on you. I know.

Because I did it.

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2 months ago #6
Friend of All
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Hi
I feel the first thing you need to do is to stop overthinking. Relax. Everything will be ok. Just don't panic or overthink. You are too young. Just take it easy. Give it some time and stop accusing yourself for everything. Your first responsibility is towards your own self so don't be harsh to yourself. We all go through situations which are uncertain and tough to handle. Remember we don't have control on everything in life but we have control on the way we react in these situations. And one more thing. Believe in destiny. What has to happen will happen so just enjoy your present moments. Don't stress about future. Leave it to time and destiny. Everything will unfold.

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2 months ago #7
gymgirlie
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By the way....

You're not going crazy.

I read a book once.

The minute you tell someone you are trying a diet, it's the one time where normal people who are normally supportive, suddenly have this encyclopedia of thoughts suggesting what's wrong with that diet.

Unless you have the training to spot this sort of thing, you can spend a lot of your life waking up and starting over again. Just to have the next one and the next one confuse you and throw you off track.

Go test the theory.

Tell one person who supports you normally, that, you are going on a specific diet. Now. Listen to that persons concerns. Picture yourself last week with all that motivation. You now see this isn't the first time you were talked out of it and any motivation, determination and dream you had is pretty much gone. You walk to the next buffet and secretly think to yourself, well, I will start again, "next week". Which slowly transforms into the phrase, "in the next lifetime."

The best advice you ever get will be, don't tell anyone about your dreams, just plan them and go do it.

But, now that I have told you a big part of the flaw, you can now catch it a lot sooner.

You probably told your partner the same thoughts. You don't even know why. You told him and he seems to be sabotaging you and setting you back.

The world isn't filled with psychopaths trying to derail and brainwash you into doing the opposite. This is just normal people looking out for your best interests and keeping you real.

Most people don't have visions of non family rock star life style.

You're going to love it though when you start to use what you learned today.

Here is where the fun kicks in.
Where were all these well meaning people who have something to contribute about your diet and what nutrients you are missing when your diet was all Dorito's and cookies?

What you are also missing in your life is any balance. This is going to be your biggest learning curve. It's because you don't know how to balance and manage time.

Do you ever find that you just wanted to date someone for awhile but you never seem to just date before you are suddenly in a relationship?

Do you find any relevance to this at all?

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2 months ago #8
Anon050196
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I'm a little confused by what you are saying? If i'm not wrong, but he definitely did not hold me back in life, he actually pushed me in this direction. Told me i needed to live a little, that i needed the breather. Let's just say he has never begged me to stay but told me to go fully live my life leaving no stone unturned. Also He was never making me do thins i never wanted, i enjoyed the nights in with him like we all do. But he was always up to trying something new, and thats what i loved about us. We always were up for new.

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2 months ago #9
Anon050196
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@Friendofall What you are saying is very true. I freak out when i can't control things, specially when it matters to me. When I first realised I wanted to leave, i literally started hyperventilating, had muscle tension and had an emotional burn out for nearly 2 weeks straight. It was definitely not an easy decision. And even now I'm not fully satisfied with the idea of us not being together or potentially not being together again in the future. I do overthink a lot and I totally lost control of my thoughts. It's a horrible feeling. But i'm having difficulty letting go and just seeing where my life goes. Of course i want to live my own life and experience it to the max, but he is always on my mind and i guess that's normal once you experience something really unique, cause i know it was. My mum sat me down and told me that I might not ever find a guy like him again (cliché right), well not so cliché when my whole family tells me this and they're probably the last people in this world that would tell me one guy is unique and one guy is right for me. In fact, they would have told me the opposite but i guess we all know the type of guy i had. and i definitely know what kind of guy i let go of.
Thanks for your reply !

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2 months ago #10
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Anon, doing okay now?

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2 months ago #11
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I'm doing okay because i'm happy i'm on exchange and experiencing life a little more, it's nice not feeling down all the time. I'm more in touch with myself however, I still have anxiety when i think about us. I know what we shared was special and it makes me want to go back but i know i can't because of my other feelings and why i left in the first place. It's easier for me when i try and not think about it and just be positive about us, but it's hard being positive about us and not let those other thoughts creep in. I just want to be truly happy again, and satisfied but i think it's going to take a while and it won't be easy. I can see myself with him but it's cause i still feel for him, i don't know if that's what i truly truly want and what i will want in the future. It's just a bittersweet/ complicated situation. But i do overthink way too much and i give every thought i have meaning and room which isn't necessarily a good thing. I just assume everything i feel should be real and have a meaning, same wise for thoughts. I feel good and think good, but i feel like i need to accept that i feel bad and think bad as well. I don't know it's a learning curb for me, i don't know what i should be giving into and what i should put aside anymore. It's really annoying and I'm still quite anxious about it. Thanks for asking!

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2 months ago #12
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Anon,

Remember, nothing is permanent. Change is the only thing that is.
For all you know, you'd probably get to complete your <email> a great life and then want to get back with him? Alternately, both of you find someone you're happy with. Don't beat yourself up about wanting to do something for yourself.

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2 months ago #13
Anon050196
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Thank you so much for your advice. I think it's becoming clear it's just not want i want anymore, and i'm afraid this feeling will stay. Like i want other things to happen in my life, i want to open those doors, and i am definitely doing better cause i'm finally doing what i want to be doing with my life which is the feeling like so much can happen to me and the unpredictability excites me and the fact that i get to control my own life without fear of hurting anyone or committing to anyone. I guess everything i'm going through is just the normal stages of break up. Maybe we weren't meant to be together forever, or simply have the feeling like my life was already panned out right in front of me didn't feel satisfying enough. I know change is a thing can count on, but when i see photos of him and i want to feel what i felt before i want to feel that i can run back to him and that it will be okay and we can be happy again. Because i see no dark light when i see him. But it's just not what i want anymore and it's hard for me to accept that and not freak out about it. I'm slowly accepting the end of us as a couple and i'm trying hard not to think of me getting back with him, cause since it's not what i want now it's hard picturing me wanting differently in the future and that just breaks me a little overtime. But like you said maybe one day I will because people change. I don't know i just would have loved for it to have panned out differently but i can't do much about how i feel at the moment but embrace it. He brought so much to my life, and meant so much to me and hopefully he will always mean a lot to me. I guess i'm ready to move on with my life and i'm sad that may mean he wasn't the right guy for me cause if he was i wouldn't have left? i don't know, i'm scarred of what it could mean. I know i am young, and it's just not me staying in one relationship for the rest of my life. Like i said since day 1 i always knew i wanted to live my life after being with him, a break up was always on the table even when we we're enjoying ourselves immensely. I just never wished i would feel like i didn't want the relationship anymore, or feel unsatisfied. It's just a horrible feeling when it's with someone you really never wanted it to happen with. But i guess that's life and it hurts.

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me, means a lot.

gymgirlie avatar
2 months ago #14
gymgirlie
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Yes

No, nothing wrong with him or the relationship.

It's because of the spunk and zest for life that you share.

It's like an impossible catch 22.
He is perfect for you experience wise.

But that's the problem, isn't it?

The very relationship you have is actually going to be your eventual shutdown as life becomes more routine vs adventurous "out there".

Read, perhaps a couple times.

I hope that kind of makes sense to you.

There's a part of you not simple settle down. Found one person who gets you.
It's a conflict and a metaphoric tug of wa r

Anon050196 avatar
2 months ago #15
Anon050196
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Will there ever be a way around it? A way of it ever being the right thing for me again? or will it remain a perfect experience.

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2 months ago #16
Friend of All
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Dear Anon
I hope you are feelings well. We are all humans and we go through such situations at some stage in our life. Just ask yourself one question ,' Is overthinking going to resolve the problem'? . If the answer is no then why stress about something that you don't have control? I would say don't force yourself to take him completely out of your life. Just try to find some more friends, more hobbies and try to spend time with your family. Try to divert your attention to other things. And one thing again , Don't be harsh on yourself. And focus on your dream life. Don't you think you are ignoring your dreams at the moment? Just focus on what you want to achieve in life? And leave the rest to time and destiny.

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2 months ago #17
Anon050196
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Thank you so much! Everything you just wrote makes complete sense to me. I just need to be open minded and see where life takes me and grateful for what came my way and what will come my way! I'm doing better but it's been a year ( 8 months with him, and 4 months on my own) where i haven't been able to get out of my head. I'm definitely only starting to accept that this moment this is where my life is taking me. It means a lot for checking up on my situation!

Thanks a lot, seriously!

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