My boyfriend broke left me 2 months ago

My boyfriend and I we’re together for 3 years. We had been friends for around 7. We got into a HUGE fight two months ago and he left me because of it. A week after he met a girl who has a boyfriend but they both claim they are just friends. They literally text and hang out all the time so I don’t tjink they are just friends. Our relationship had a lot of bumps in it but i feel like every relationship goes through their ups and downs. We argued a lot and I admit my communication skills weren’t the best. But he knew how much I loved him and I know how much he loved me. Our relationship was great for the most part except for when we argued. A week before he left me he told me he loved me so much. When I texted him to see where things were he just tells me he can’t be in a relationship with me or anyone. He says he loves me and cares for me but he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. I mean, he told me
He left me because we fight a lot but I think he fell out of love with me. I don’t know what to think anymore. He bought me a diamond promise ring and a dog and he just walked away from us so easily.

He doesn’t even text me at all and he unfollowed me on social media. I don’t get why he doesn’t realize we were so good together. I need help on what to do or how to move on

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Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #2
Baron A.
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He doesn't think you are good together, he is obviously attracted to aspects of you but the fact that he left after an argument he just hates it when you both argue over things. For me I cannot be with an argumentative anybody, male or female, and so I can understand his anxiety. Your background maybe different, you think that it is best to get it out, that is the way to correct it.

I am not sure why you mentioned him talking to a girl and them hanging out, not sure what is the problem with that, except you may be jealous, that is normal you still care about him and feel a little threatened by his association, but why not introspect and explore why the arguments and if there was a better way of communicating with each other.

Who knows if he comes back then maybe you can both manage this, sometimes a breakup is just for us to make adjustments to our personalities.

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3 months ago #3
Rosey
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yeah I can agree that he doesn't like that we argue, I hate the arguing and I realize you always want what you can't have. I think that him and I just lacked the skills of communicating with one another. It's been really hard on me, I know it's only been two months but I am just having a really hard time moving forward with my life.

And I know he's talking to her, which it doesn't matter because I talk to other guys also. I just don't like the feeling that he might be developing feelings for her. Even when I talk to other guys it doesn't mean anything to me.

We argued a lot, and majority of the time it was recurring arguments. We would always bring up the same issues because it never got solved.

I also was his first girlfriend so I think that he is just over the whole relationship and wants to go out and explore because we are only in our early 20's.

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Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #4
Baron A.
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I am not sure because it was his first it made a difference, I really think the arguing got to him, I can imagine how difficult that can be for a young man who is experiencing his first real relationship, so in his mind if that is what an intimate relationship is about he wants no part of it.

It is still early days yet, why not just reach out to him, be cool and try not to bring up old issues. The thing is most times if both persons are arguing they are not listening to each other and that can mean a breakdown and then the recurring argument because both want to be heard.

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3 months ago #5
Rosey
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That is exactly what happened with us, we would always argue and we never really communicated to one another to understand each other. We just never heard one another.

and I don't want to reach out to him. I tried several times and he just basically told me the same thing over, which was he loves me and cares for me but he doesn't know what he wants right now. he continues to tell me there is no other girl in his life also even when i dont ask, and he always tells me he will always be there for me if i need anything or anyone.

I feel like if he wants to talk too me he can reach out. My birthday was a couple weeks ago and he forgot about it also so i'm a little insulted by that. We were supposed to talk about everything so I could get closure but since he forgot about my birthday and said let's talk after and i just decided i didn't want to see him. A lot of our arguments stemmed off of my depression that he never really understood or was there for me until his sibling got diagnosed with a disorder and then he kind of pushed me to the side even more because it was all about her. I didn't think he should put me first but I thought we should have been treated equal, so that's where a lot of the arguments came from.

But i can understand how he might not want to be apart of a relationship that argues a lot. I get it completely. I hated the arguing. I just need to find a way to move on cause it has been making me anxious everyday.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #6
Baron A.
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Do not beat up on yourself because one person cannot argue, the fact that he decided to run instead of the both of you trying to find way of dealing with it is really the real issue.

I am thinking if we can locate the triggers that caused the arguments then you can at least work on yourself, then give him some space since you have been trying to reconcile, however I think if you both were back together there would have been more arguments, so maybe this break is for good, instead of focusing on the break, focus on the lesson, when you feel you have enough info you can just reach out to say hi, see what happens.

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3 months ago #7
Rosey
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There was a lot of other things that also led up to the arguments. But everything could have been worked on. We just did not genuinely try hard enough. And it is a huge issue that he decided to walk away instead of try to work things out with me. I am trying hard not to think about it but i have bad anxiety as is, and I am just really anxious about the whole situation.

On my part, i know what caused the arguments and i have been working on it and myself. But focusing on the lesson versus the break has been a constant struggle for me. my mind always wanders to where he is, whos he with what hes doing. I constantly replay our memories and think about the last things he has said too me and its consuming me. I just want to know how to stop it. even when i keep myself busy i still think about it all.

but i have come to the conclusion i will not reach out to him. He left me therefore when hes ready to talk he can reach out too me.

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Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #8
Johnny Nicks
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Hi Rosey

You said you knew what caused the arguments an you have been working on it..

This may be the key to reconciliation..If you can give him hope that things can be improved..

What was the issue that caused the arguments?

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3 months ago #9
Rosey
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I have tried to reach out to him but he has made his mind up and does not want to be with me. He keeps saying right now is not the time and he is lost in his own world.

There were several factors that led up to the arguments, such as my mental health and him not being there for me and than He is foreign and I would bring up issues of not feeling comfortable when him and his family spoke their language around me, but i never disrespected them.. he got very defensive if i said anything about his family even if it wasnt negative, just how i was feeling...

I also am working on what i did to cause arguments which was getting drunk and getting very mad because of the reasons stated above. I am working on drinking less and handling my emotions better.

But the issue is, i have reached out too him and a week after he left me he met a new girl, so because of the new girl he doesnt want me. i think she is filling that void of empitness he has and distracting him so he doesnt even think or reach out too me.

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #10
Johnny Nicks
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You are brave with your honesty Rosey 😊

What mental health issues were you having? I may be able to help?

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3 months ago #11
Rosey
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Thank you, I appreciate that. I am just struggling a lot right now and I need some kind of assurance and help.

I was diagnosed with depression years back and bad anxiety. I struggled really badly with my depression and he would always say "in my country there was no such thing as depression" which hurt me. and than his sister got diagnosed with bipolar and he started to understand mental illnesses are real. but he still wasnt there for me. and i would always bring up the fact that he is always there with his sister and i wanted to be treated the same and he would tell me my condition wasnt anything like hers. so i was basically pushed to the side again and he wasnt there for me.

he was there for me but i just wanted him to treat me the same way he treated his sister.. and i didnt want to be put before her but i didnt think she should have been on a higher pedestal i think we both should have been treated equally.

my depression has gotten a lot better, but my anxiety is just SO bad...

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #12
Baron A.
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It is good to hear that you are doing better, what exactly has contributed to that?

If he came back and displayed the same behaviour would it cause you to regress?

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3 months ago #13
Rosey
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My depression was getting better before he broke up with me.. and it is good now, i realize the difference of being depressed, sad, and very down. I feel sad about my break up but not depressed. the only thing bothering me is my anxiety.

and the way he treated me was really good, it was just our communication that upset me. i felt like i should be able to tell him my feelings without it being completely disregarded. if he came back we would need to work on serious communication..

but other than that, we were really good together. we got annoyed of one another a lot but we laughed a lot.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #14
Baron A.
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Well that is good that you already know what the solution is, all you need is his willing participation in the process.

You also mentioned that he have the capacity to be compassionate, he was with his sister but he was not with you, maybe trust is a factor because you had to fight hard in convincing him that you were sick, if you both decided to go again do you think you would still have to convince him.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #15
Baron A.
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Lol! That was a question...

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #16
Johnny Nicks
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Rosey, I’ll send you some really good stuff on depression and anxiety..

If I don’t do it within 24 hours remind me😊

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3 months ago #17
Rosey
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Johnny; Thank you! if you dont send it within the next 24 hours I will remind you!

Baron; He does have the capacity to be compassionate, and that was exactly what my issue was with him, because i felt like i was being put on a lower pedestal than his sister.. he always got mad i compared the two but i just compared the way he was treating us and how different it was. i was struggling way before his sister got diagnosed and he never understood it. he was there for me once he found out about his sister which i appreciate just not in the same way he was for his sister.

I think if we were to get back together, i would still have the same issue, although my depression has gotten a lot better which im so thankful for..

this is also my issue though, it has been two months since i have seen him, and when we got into the fight, i had to text him several different times to figure out where we stood. he never broke up with me in person and he was confused and than finally he just said he cant be with me right now because he is lost in his own world. but i found out he has been hanging out with that girl the week after he broke up with me. i dont think he can possibly move on that quick, so im sure she is a rebound. he has only texted me two times in the two months and none of it was in a way that he missed me.. but everytime he always said "there is no other girl" and he said he is always here for me...

hes confusing and my feelings are all over the place.

Thank you for listening and helping me out!

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Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #18
Baron A.
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I am not sure the girl you mentioned is anything else but a friend, you called it a rebound but provided no evidence to prove that, so let us leave it at just him hanging out with a friend.

As it relates to his sister, he probably got annoyed at the comparison, so instead asking him to show the same compassion as he does with his sister as good approach was to compliment him on his devotion to his sister, focus on what you both could have done as a couple to improve his understanding of your depression because I think he was tying it in with what he thought was his understanding of your personality.

He was not sure what the depression affected and what was your personality.

It is like living with someone who is sick, the were normally very negative, now that they are sick... you are never sure how to relate to this person who was always negative and now that they have been diagnosed with something like in your case, he got on the defensive with you because he was not sure what the depression was influencing, so instead of taking the time to understand he was being judgmental and that must have hurt.

Relating to his sister and being in an intimate relationship with someone that he may be planning to marry one day will be assessed very differently, there is no comparison in the decision making process. He wants to have kids with you, the decision to be married to someone with these issues is evaluated very differently than how he will respond to his sister, so he pushes you away with his attitude, it may be even subconsciously done, not being deliberate.

I would suggest that if you are going to get through to him in the future you will have to be less critical of him when you talk with him about understanding your depression and allow him to grow into understanding than accusing him of not making the effort.

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #19
Johnny Nicks
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Hi Rosey

You'll need to join as a member is quick and free😊

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3 months ago #20
Rosey
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I’m not quite sure, but when I texted him those few times the way he texted was completely different. And she has texted me to stop talking about her off of his phone and It was the same way he has been texting. I also see on his Snapchat that they are always together. They could be just friends but idk why they hang out all the time. And she visits him at work all the time, and he told me he never wanted anyone he knew visiting him at work..

And you’re right, he didn’t get annoyed and I didn’t look at the different ways I could have tried to get him to understand how I felt about the way he treated me and her. But he also has told me that his sisters illness is more important than mine.

But you’re absolutely right, I was depressed before he got into the relationship with me and throughout our entire relationship. I also decided to go to the doctor for It at one point. And a couple months before the break up I started to feel better.

Idk It just hurts that he walked away from me and everything we had but now I need to learn to let go and move on

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #21
Baron A.
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Maybe they are really just friends, platonic and not intimate, but I am speculating too, I just want you to be happier and to be able to do something about the depression.

As it relates to the depression, how are you feeling right now?

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #22
Johnny Nicks
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Rosey, is it possible that the very strong and real
sad feelings you are having are because of self esteem issues? The jealousy about his sister and this girl?

You may not feel loved and appreciated, you get hurt and angry and drink, you ash out, which causes even more distancing between you both? You feel even more depressed and insecure..and the pattern repeats...

Do you understand the root cause dynamics now? They seem very powerful and difficult to break ☹️

Register and Ill send you the stuff.

Maybe if in time you say you are having therapy, which you will be if I can continue to support you here, he may sit up and listen, if you can demonstrate sustained improvement to him?

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3 months ago #23
Rosey
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Baron; I am not feeling depressed just very anxious. My throat is tight and my chest is very heavy and it’s because I’m thinking about the what if’s about him. What if he’s sleeping with her, what if he has feelings for her... etc

I just need to stop thinking about the future and move on. My anxiety is what has me upset, I do not feel depressed

Johnny; I do not think it’s self esteem issues, but I do agree that I was jealous about his sister in the sense of how he cared for the both of us.. and as of this girl, im just hurt he Would move on so quickly.

As of drinking you’re correct, I would suppress my emotions and instead I drink to I guess numb the pain maybe? Idk but when I drink, if he would say something small It would trigger me and I would get VERY upset and lash out.. I think you’re right in that sense and I think that is a reason we have been distanced. But he never told me or let me try to fix myself. Instead he would always instigate we go out and drink knowing I get bad. And I knew I got bad too but It was hard for me to turn down drinking as that was my way out.

And I am not in therapy now and I tried to register but I will have to have a new username. I will register now

Rosey1 avatar
3 months ago #24
Rosey1
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I have an account now! This is rosey

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #25
Johnny Nicks
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Hi Rosey !

Ill PM you 😊

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #26
Johnny Nicks
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Sent them through. PM me back when you have them.

Rosey1 avatar
3 months ago #27
Rosey1
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I just received them! Thank you I will he taking a look at them very shortly!

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Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #28
Baron A.
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Who hasn’t felt isolated or angry as a prized relationship lurches towards disaster? I know I have.

Indeed, on looking back, many of us realise that they’d started grieving for the end of the relationship long before they finally accepted it had to end.

In our conversation it was obvious that you were going through the difference stages and now you are at the stage because he is getting close to someone that it could be more than just platonic and it is making you anxious.

In the early days, as I’ve already said, it’s common to think that what’s happening to you is a nightmare from which you will suddenly waken.

You may also comfort yourself with the thought that there’s been some terrible mistake. You feel helpless because the communication has broken down and all of that is contributing to your anxious feeling, have you thought about calling up that friend that is always supportive just to get out and watch a movie?

Rosey1 avatar
3 months ago #29
Rosey1
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Yeah that’s exactly what is happening with me. My anxiety is just making me go crazy in my head. I keep over thinking every little thing especially with him and the new girl. And no matter what I do, I am always thinking about. If I hang with friends or family or at school or working on homework. It’s always on my mind and I just don’t know what to do to get It off.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #30
Baron A.
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So yes, I am requesting get out of your routine, call up the friend and go hit up a movie, get a laugh or something, but if you stick to your routine you may continue to feel anxious.

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