My wife has had another crush, please advise

About 7 months ago I discovered on my fiancée's phone that she had typed 'do I tell my boyfriend that I have had a 12 month intense crush on another boy' it turned out that the boy was from her work and he was only 17 (she's 28), she had also taken our son to the sports club that he helped run numerous times, and messaged him twice. This broke my heart but we got over it and got married, and she got counselling to deal with any issues she thought she had. Fast forward to now 7 months later IV found out that it is happening again with a different 17 year old boy, only this time she met him at the staff party and got drunk with him, nothing happened between them but she sent drunk messages with love hearts, and messaged him a couple of times the next morning, IV confronted her about this and she just apologizes and gets upset, it's killing me, what should I do

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Johnny Nicks avatar
1 week ago #2
Johnny Nicks
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Understand that It may just be her reaction to aging. A kind of early mid life crisis..

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1 week ago #3
Bea
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You got married to your wife even though she had a huge crush on such a young boy. Dear! This boy was only a teen! You should have dumped her at the time! Now she is crushing on a young boy of 17 years. What's wrong with your wife? I think that not only do the two of you need marriage counseling but she especially needs a psychiatrist help. May e something is wrong in her mind. Your wife can be a cougar also. Ewww.

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1 week ago #4
garykirsy2012
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What should I do though

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1 week ago #5
Bea
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Look for a psychiatrist for your wife. He will havecno problem to diagnosise the attraction she has for young boys.

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1 week ago #6
garykirsy2012
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How do I trust her again though, we've been together 10 years

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1 week ago #7
Bea
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You have to communicate with your wife and understand her. Don't forget to look for a psychiatrist for her.

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1 week ago #9
garykirsy2012
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Should I even bother trusting her again as it's happened twice in 6 months, especially as she acted on it more this time by getting drunk with him and messaging him

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1 week ago #10
Johnny Nicks
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Well its down to you..Are you generally happy with the relationship?

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1 week ago #11
Bea
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Not yet. Don't trust your wife too soon. You need marriage counseling and I will repeat again. Your wife needs a psychiatrist. Without a psychiatrist and marriage counseling. You can't trust your wife. It's not normal for a woman of her age to act like this. It's clearly a mental problem! If let things escalades your marriage will be ruined. She might end up leaving for a man of 20s years when she will be in her fifties. Ewww!. I have seen older women with young men and the image is repulsive! Cougars want validations because with young men they feel 'special'. It's disgusting. I always wonder if there is not a mental illness behind their attraction to young men.

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1 week ago #12
garykirsy2012
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I was until I found out about the first time it happened 6 months ago, then we were just getting back to normal and happy and now it's happened again.

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1 week ago #13
Bea
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Read the above advices of Nicks and my advices.

GMM avatar
1 week ago #14
GMM
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I think counseling is going a bit too extreme without at least talking to her more about it first. I think in some areas, 17 might be the legal age. But if she had a crush on him during the time when he was 16, that's concerning, but that's not really the case anymore.

Be up front and ask her about her feelings. I don't think it's really wrong for her to have feelings for another person as long as she can control them if your marriage is monogamous which most are. But if you start talking to her and find that she can be a pedophile and might like the minor age group, then she might be in a really bad spot. From what I understand pedophilia is a disorder that most people can't control and then in this case they do need therapy. However, some therapists could pull the plug and call the police thus getting her arrested even if she hasn't doing anything illegal. But this is a WORST case scenario.

JN also brought up a good thought that it could be some sort of crisis that she's hitting early as she's approaching her thirties. I think there are several possibilities as to why she feels what she feels for this young guy, but you'll only know if you start talking to her.

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1 week ago #15
Bea
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Maybe she might be arrested but she can be put in an asylum. I think putting her into an asylum is the answer. Sorry to be harsh but pedophelia is unacceptable! It's illegal and dangerous for the the people around. How can an adult love a child? I don't give a **** that it is not controllable but pedophiles are dangerous! Your wife can end up having sex with teenagers! You have to have to talk to your wife and make her understand the future consequences of her actions. Watch out her behaviour because it's dangerous.

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1 week ago #16
garykirsy2012
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Hi thanks for your reply, I understand what you mean about 17 not being too young it's just weird that both times it's been someone nearly half my age, and I know it's normal to have a crush it's just not normal how she's deals with it, the first time it lasted 12 months and it became abit obsessive, and this time she has acted on it by going out drinking with him (even though she NEVER drinks) and messaging him love hearts etc, and it's only ended this time because I found out due to her acting strange

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1 week ago #17
Bea
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I think it is common to have little crushes but not crushes on such young boys when you are a mature woman.

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Johnny Nicks avatar
1 week ago #18
Johnny Nicks
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Bea, its a fantasy for a lot of women, maybe in their 40's, but not many act out on it. Social acceptability has got a lot to do with it.

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1 week ago #19
Bea
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Ewww!

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1 week ago #20
Johnny Nicks
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Bea, what’s it like to be perfect? 😉

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1 week ago #21
GMM
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Again depending on where you are, 17 could be the legal age for consent thus not resulting in an arrest or being legally pedophilia or not.

I would argue that having sex with a younger man is not unhealthy for women. Being a teenager, I get how that's crossing the line. It would for me at least and I also almost 28 like in the example.

Going back to the actual situation though, age aside, I think you should go into this as a normal problem of her having feelings for another guy in general at first. Get her to explain why she feels what she does then bring up the age if you are planning to talk about it.

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1 week ago #22
Bea
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Oh no Johnny I very far from being perfect! But I certainly am not attracted at all to young boys. When I were seventeen I had crushes on boys of my age and on male teacher who was in his thirties. When I got in my twenties. I were attracted to men of my age. Now in my forties I love my husband. Teen males are children. They could be my sons! Crushing on them would be unhealthy, disgusting and abnormal.

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SomebodyElse avatar
1 week ago #23
SomebodyElse
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Well, she certainly knows how to be VERY specific in her Google search terms. VERY specific.

Why wouldn't she just go by what happened the last time she did it? I mean, wouldn't she already know?

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1 week ago #24
garykirsy2012
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Thanks for your comments everyone, this happened a week ago and I still feel so stuck in it and I'm completely shutting her out, it's affected me so much because I thought so much of her and placed everything on her, but she's really let me down

Johnny Nicks avatar
6 days ago #25
Johnny Nicks
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Gary, sometimes its not life that gets us down, it is our own expectations. Just make sure yours are realistic?

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6 days ago #26
garykirsy2012
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Thank you

Johnny Nicks avatar
6 days ago #27
Johnny Nicks
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Im not saying we cant dream, but dream a little at a time..Dont make it a big one 😉

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