So confused! What's going on?

My ex lover and I made up after our fight last week over the weekend. Everything was going great! We were texting and everything seemed to be fine. I sent him a face photo on Saturday morning and he really enjoyed it, he was talking about how fine I looked and later went to talk about the things that he wanted to do to me. We tried to have phone sex,but the phone kept cutting out then I didn't hear back from him until later Saturday afternoon. He text me, "I'm here baby." AMD we continue to talking a little into Suday morning. On Sunday afternoon we were texting and I got tired, I fell asleep and I wake up and he text me, "bye I guess" I don't hear from him at all on Monday like I would've hoped, I message him this morning saying that I hoped that he had a good day yesterday and I apologized again for falling asleep on him then I said good night and texted him a kiss. He replies back, "good night." Then an hour later he sends me another text saying, "let's not drawn this out let's end things and go our separate ways." I was a bit confused, I thought everything was going well. We've known each other for awhile now and I was s really hoping that we'd finally be together.

After all the fighting in the last few months he came back and wanted to try whatever this was again. One week we could be doing fine then the next we're in a fight. I know he has his moments, but just for a brief time this weekend I really thought things were going to change, he was showing me attention, he even said that he loved me when a few weeks ago he told me that he doesn't anymore. I'm so confused and hurting right now. Why is he doing this?

Sponsored Links
Posted on Dating
Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #2
Baron A.
Meister
Blogs: 71
Forum: 53,500
Votes: 1,723

He may just be as confused as you are, but because he has a big mouth, he talks before thinking.

He is ending things because he thought if you truly loved him you would have shown more interest and not fall asleep on him, some folks are just like that, but even though you were tired you tried and then fell asleep.

You said you were sorry but sorry was not enough, he needed an explanation, but all you said was sorry very nonchalantly.

He is moody for a reason, struggling with insecurity, his life maybe falling apart, so many things and he is projecting, it is hard to be with someone who is struggling emotionally, try talking to him about your feelings, let him know that you do care, maybe some reassuring, but moody is a relationship killer.

Read up on emotional maturity and see what you get from it.

 avatar
3 months ago #3
Nali1992
Guest

Yeah, I forgot to add that I told him shortly after I apologized that I was working 12 hour shifts last week and all day Sunday I was sleeping off and on he never really responded after I told him that.

Sponsored Links
Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #4
Baron A.
Meister
Blogs: 71
Forum: 53,500
Votes: 1,723

The important thing is you told him, let him analyse it for himself, let us see what happens from here, but you did the best you could.

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #5
Johnny Nicks
Meister
Blogs: 107
Forum: 44,802
Votes: 1,614

Im sorry Baron thinks the guy you love is moody, has a big mouth and lacks emotional maturity.

His issue may be something else.

I would like to understand why you feel he is provokes such a strong response from baron?

Before I begin to judge, what is your SOs background? What is the history to your relationship, why might he be be so fearful, negative and insecure? How might you reassure him?

What was the big fight about?

 avatar
3 months ago #6
Nali1992
Guest

He messaged me later saying that the reason why he wants to end things is because I won't be there when he wants me. I've always been here for him, he comes in and out of my life and when he starts to miss me he knows I will always answer. He is upset that he couldn't have phone sex with me when it is a good time for him.

 avatar
3 months ago #7
Nali1992
Guest

We've known each other for 3 years, we've never really been together or actually met. I fell in love with him while I was pregnant and also married. I was very lonely at the time and he found me pick me up and cleaned me off that's why I fell for him. We've been talking, just talking for 3 years. Yes, I'm still married and I was hoping that we would be together. I was going to leave my marriage for this man because my husband abuses me and doesn't treat me right whatsoever.

He's upset with me because when we met 3 years ago I was talking to other guys mainly because there wasn't anything serious going on between me and him, he was also mad that I didn't hang up on a friend when he called me and because I didn't give him my address to come and see me. Ever since then he uses that as an excuse to never come see me. He'll talk about it and say things during phone sex, but when it all comes down to it he never will.

We get in a lot of dumb fights, I feel that our fights were mostly because I asked him questions. We fight and make up, that's what we do. At one time he really wanted to be with me, but because of what happened 3 years ago he makes me work for his love extra hard, and when he doesn't see me fit he kicks me to the curb.

He's always coming in and out of my life giving me this false hope that we'll one day be together and every time he gets close he pulls away and then wants to leave again.

He never really had a problem with my marriage until this weekend when he wanted to have phone sex and I told him that I couldn't because my husband was at home. I've told him many times when my husband is home and what time he goes to work. He always gets horny around the time my husband is home. He told me that he wanted me to end things because I can't always be there for him when he needs me, of course I can't because I'm married. In the past he understood about my marriage, but now its a problem.

I've always been here when he needed me or wanted me at times when it was possible, but now it's not. We are opposites I'm up during the day and he is asleep during the day, he wants to have phone sex in the wee hours of the morning. I have always done things his way, but he's never done it mine. I've given him everything that I can and it's not good enough. I'm hurt and upset because I love this man a lot! And hr keeps doing this hot and cold then leave treatment. He says there is nothing wrong with what he does and how everything is my fault never his.

Sponsored Links
Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #8
Baron A.
Meister
Blogs: 71
Forum: 53,500
Votes: 1,723

My question is where do you go from here, I really want to help you, for me this is not a game when it comes on to people's heart. It is not about psychology mumbo jumbo and although these things have there place at the end of the day, when you can connect with persons using the skill of knowledge and experience you feel good in your heart that you can contribute to someone's life by offering some advice that is practical.

I see that you mentioned a husband and it would appear that you have no intentions of leaving your husband, and even if you considered it, you would not do it for someone you think is all about himself.

Have you tried any type of counselling with your husband, have you tried making it work with him at all, because you are not getting from either relationship what you really want and that is to feel love and accepted, that is important to you isn't it?

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #9
Johnny Nicks
Meister
Blogs: 107
Forum: 44,802
Votes: 1,614

Reading your detailed post above, it sounds to me, from the way you have written it, that this is a one sided relationship, the give /get relationship balance is not balanced at all and all he does, after initially grooming you, is demanding phone sex when he wants it?

Do you feel he loves and cherishes you now?

 avatar
3 months ago #10
Nali1992
Guest

I haven't tried any counseling with my husband. My husband is very controlling, I feel as if I can never get a break. All the relationships I've ever been in were controlling. My husband and the guy I've been talking to are both controlling, it had to be their way or no way. My relationship is also a double standard, it's ok for them to do something, but when I turn around and do the same thing it's a HUGE deal. Yes, I do want to feel loved and appreciated all my husband does is complain about taking me to work when he wanted me to get a job, the other guy always leaves when I need him the most. I told this man that I was going to leave my husband for him, only if we were going to be together.

I know when my husband catches MW talking to the other guy he can get physical at times, and when I let the other guy know he does nothing. He claims to love me and care for me, but at the same time he sits back and let's that happen. This man told me to be smart when it comes to texting him when my husband is around, he didn't want me to get caught, but at the same time he want me to be available to have phone sex when he knows that I can't.

I do give more than they do and they keep taking and expecting more from me. Me and my husband both work now, he works more hours than me, but next week I'll start working more. He feels that he does more than me, but I don't agree. We have 2 children and before I started working a year ago I was a stay at home mom for 3 years. the only life I have ever had since 2012 was my husband and my kids. I had no family because they all loved back to Florida and no friends, I felt alone. I gave up a lot to be with my husband, I do my best and get told it's not good enough. I work, take care of the kids, clean what I can of the house and clean up after the kids, I give the kids a bath, take the dog out, and take out the trash, do laundry, and dishes. My husband hardly does any of that after he drops me off at work. He feels that since he work so he shouldn't have to do anything, he also said that when I wasn't working as well. He also told me that if I wanted to make friends that I should get a job and I did, but at the same time now that I have friends at work he doesn't let me talk to them when I'm on my break.

Both of these relationships are something else. It wears me out the way they both treat me. "Lover boy" feels that I should drop everything for him. After he sent that message yesterday explaining why it won't work and to leave him alone I made the comment of finding someone else and he says, "wow, ok this is the last time I'm coming back to you." When he told me last week after I wasn't texting him fast enough that he'll find a new girlfriend, see that was ok for him to make a comment like that, but not the other way around. Why would you come back when you don't even want to be with me in the first place, then take offense to me saying I'll find someone else after you dropped me? That makes no sense! He feels as if no one wants me and all the girls want him, but I'm modest and don't brag about how many guys that I may have. I do talk to other guys and some say that they would treat me right, but I don't know anymore, I really don't know what to believe.

 avatar
3 months ago #11
Nali1992
Guest

@Johnny Nicks

He doesn't love me like he says that he does because if he did he wouldn't keep coming in and out of my life getting my hopes up then bailing when things don't go his controlling ways. He doesn't care for me like he did when we met 3 years ago. He has this I don't care attitude and he treats me like garbage. He wants what he wants and when he can't get it he leaves. He always has to be in control, just like the fight that we made up from last week. It was about how we were talking on Facebook Messenger and he didn't want to talk on there because he said that he didn't want me to check and see when he's active or if he read my messages and didn't reply. So I agreed to text him, the next day I text him a pic and he turns and sends me one on Messenger so I thought that he wanted to talk through there again and all that week he never had a problem with it until that Sunday after I sent him a risky photo, then he tells me that I have no respect for him and that I'm forcing him to talk to me through Facebook, after that he tells me to leave him alone and I did for a week then this past weekend we started talking again now we're not.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #12
Baron A.
Meister
Blogs: 71
Forum: 53,500
Votes: 1,723

I think love boy is just talking, and as you said controlling, so he is threatening to leave because of a control mechanism.

You also said that your husband is controlling too, imagine that, two controlling men in your life, how do you get to do what you want to do and how can you influence your relationships if you are unable to make an impact.

Is your husband aware of the affair, or is he clueless and if he doesn't know how do you handle the secrecy, are you okay with it? Lover boy is feeling that whatever you both are sharing is not permanent, and maybe from that standpoint he is being possessive and demanding, he sees no future, but it is clear that he has strong feelings for you. Is he older or younger than you are?

Sponsored Links
Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #13
Johnny Nicks
Meister
Blogs: 107
Forum: 44,802
Votes: 1,614

Nali1992

Oh my that reads very painfully. Big hug..

What were your parents like? Have you ever experienced unconditional love?

 avatar
3 months ago #14
Nali1992
Guest

@Baron A.

He is older than me by 7 years. My husband knew about him because he found out we were talking, as far as he knew we stopped talking a few months back, my husband caught us talking a few times within the last 3 years.

I do feel for this man a lot, and I know at times he does with me. He did over the weekend, but ended it. He told me that he wasn't going to come back after I told him that I'll find someone else. Why say that when you really have no intentions of being with me to begin with? I don't even know what this is that me and lover boy had. To me, the reason is dumb that it won't work out, we could find a compromise. He said that I'm not fairly giving my time to him which I always have. I don't know what he expects now that I'm working. I told him that I wish I didn't have to sneak around to do the things that he wants me to do, then he says, "ok then leave me be", and so I did. In the past I was expected to stay up and talk to him and I did, but he can't stay up and wait for my husband to leave to do what he wants to do. Isn't it enough that when he does contact me I answer right away? I felt that what we had over the weekend was going god, but he always seems to find the smallest thing to get out of whatever this is.

Lover boy is good about coming on to me strong then pulling away and then I don't hear from him for a few days. He's inconsistent, instead of find a solution to the problem he rather just give up and drop me again because it is easier for him.

He made comments a few times where he said that he was going to find him a good girlfriend and what not last week when I didn't text him back quick enough and I just ignored it, then when I say, "fine! I'll find someone else" after he drops he takes offense to that and says that that was the last time he's coming back into my life. I don't want him in my life if he doesn't want to be in a truly real relationship with me, I don't want to have to keep holding on to this hope of something that may never happen, I also don't want to know that he's always going to be around, and I want to move on with the idea that he's never coming back. I feel like he'll always be in my life doing this, I feel that he wants to remain in it so I can never move on. For the last 3 years I only ever wanted to be with him and only him, I had no desire to be with anyone else. I have waited 3 years and for what? Him to keep leaving??

It is still sad that I want him, and I also feel that as long as he still remain in my hear and my kind that I'll never fully get over him. I don't think that he wants me to either. Sure, he has had other relationships after he left, but they never lasted more than 5 months and he came running back to me every time. The only reason why he comes back is because no one else can take the garbage he likes to pull like I do.

For a brief moment a year ago when he was gone for 9 months In seriously though he was never coming back, then to my surprise he came back. He's come and gone so many times it's unreal, and I'm always left with the question when he leaves of will he come back?? And if he does how long will he stay, what does he want? He doesn't come back and say, "let's just be friends." No, he comes back and says, "I love you and I miss you." I hate that I only want him.and want him only. He has this spell I've me and at times I feel like I can't break through it no matter how many times I try. I love him so very much and I really want to be with him, but I don't think he will ever be with me.

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #15
Johnny Nicks
Meister
Blogs: 107
Forum: 44,802
Votes: 1,614

Well it sounds a little like an emotionally abusive relationship with lover boy..Why don't you try to find an honest loving man?

 avatar
3 months ago #16
Nali1992
Guest

@ Johnny Nicks

I was adopted, my parents left me and my other siblings abandoned in an empty parking lot late one night, my adoptive took me in but my teenage years made me who I am today. Growing up I never have been truly understood, I have always felt alone and like I don't belong. I never truly got to be with who I wanted to be with I always had to work for it

Even though I get treated like garbage I treat the ones that I truly love better than they treat me and it was a big slap in the face when lover boy told me that I don't know how to love, no, the thing is I don't know what love is anymore. All I see love now is mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. It hurts to know that my fairy tale went terrible wrong 7 years ago. All I never wanted was for someone to love me and care for me like I do for them. Between my husband and lover boy I'm better off talking to a wall.

My marriage isn't 50/50 my husband has his friends and he can go hang out and be with his family and I can't. It hurts so much that I feel so alone AMD the one person that didn't make me feel that way keeps coming and going. I don't know what is real. Last week wasn't a good week for me, my landlord was getting after me telling me what I need to do with my kids, my husband is arguing with me about how inconvenient it is to take me back and forth to work, then he falls asleep and doesn't answer his phone until 3 hours later and I couldn't go into work that day because I only got 3 hours of sleep. This isn't the only time I was stranded at work. Last week everyone made me feel worth less and a horrible person, but the one thing that made it better was talking to him again, then he ripped that little bit of happiness that I had right from me after 2 days.

I always feel like I was never meant to be happy, because every time I get close to it something always happens. I was so happy and smiling for the first time last week after everything that happened and now I'm sad again. Who does this to someone they claim to love?

 avatar
3 months ago #17
Nali1992
Guest

I have a job. Reread all of this. I haven't been married for 3 years I have been married for 5 I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and I met this man 3 years ago you do the math. Why wouldn't I tell the guy I love about the times he can contact me? I'm not playing anyone, I'm a 24 year old female who is married with 2 children and isn't happy with her relationship, I just so happened to find someone online 3 years ago and fall madly in love with him while I was pregnant with my husbands child.

Instead of being ignorant why don't you read all of this again word for word and not get anything twisted. Your facts are wrong! I wouldn't make any of this up because this is what is going on with me in my life. I didn't work Sunday first of all. I said that I was falling asleep on and off on Sunday because I was working 12 hours shifts during the week and I get the weekends off to relax. Do me a favor, go back and read this thread again so that way you won't make assumptions again. I work Monday through Friday between 8 to 12 hours. I hardly know what we work each day. My heart is feeling heavy and I don't have time to sit and argue with a small minded individual as yourself, I don't have to explain myself to you whatsoever, but I did. Again, re read this and please go away.

Sponsored Links
 avatar
3 months ago #18
Nali1992
Guest

I have all of our text threads, but it won't let me post it on here. I have the proof of everything that I told them, no lying here.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #19
Baron A.
Meister
Blogs: 71
Forum: 53,500
Votes: 1,723

Nali1992 wrote:

I have all of our text threads, but it won't let me post it on here. I have the proof of everything that I told them, no lying here.

Well even if you were I find the interaction very interesting and others could learn from it, but if you are making it up as you go along it would not help you, so if you are then stop but if you are not we will continue our conversation.

It is okay @gymgirlie, we appreciate your input if it is all made up, if not then let us continue to dialogue.

 avatar
3 months ago #20
Nali1992
Guest

These are real life events what I'm feeling is hurt and pain, I have no reason to make up this.

 avatar
3 months ago #21
Nali1992
Guest

This is why I can't talk to people, all my life people never want to hear me out they all want to assume I'm lying and making things up just like my adoptive mother did when I tried telling her at a young age that I was molested, she never believed me. I have no reason to lie I have proof of our interaction.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #22
Baron A.
Meister
Blogs: 71
Forum: 53,500
Votes: 1,723

Look man, we are listening to you, so just talk... not everyone will believe you and people do lie, either way the only person that it will affect adversely is you.

Sponsored Links
 avatar
3 months ago #23
Nali1992
Guest

I was talking until I got rudely interrupted.

Baron A. avatar
3 months ago #24
Baron A.
Meister
Blogs: 71
Forum: 53,500
Votes: 1,723

I am sorry.

 avatar
3 months ago #25
Nali1992
Guest

It's ok

Johnny Nicks avatar
3 months ago #26
Johnny Nicks
Meister
Blogs: 107
Forum: 44,802
Votes: 1,614

Oops

Im so sorry to hear your story.

Nali, if you want to talk privately (without interruptions) with someone who understands, I have an adopted sister, we can do that if you join as a member? Its quick and free..

 avatar
3 months ago #27
Nali1992
Guest

I just don't know what more to do, I left lover boy alone like he wanted, but at the same time there are things that I want to say to him. Especially how I told him a few months ago how I was done having phone sex with him because I was wanting the real thing. I do believe that because I couldn't drop everything and have phone sex with him like he wanted he decided to throw a fit and say what he said, had I done what he wanted he would still be around. My thing is I don't want to continue whatever we had for an X amount of years if we're never going to see each other. He keeps wasting my time, I have waited for him for 3 years and every time I feel like I have a chance he finds some small thing to get out of whatever this is.

He knows I'm married and in the past he never had an issue with it, sure I've turned him down before, but he went about his day and still continued to talk to me. If he wanted me so bad then he should make an effort, not give up. What he says and what he does makes no sense. We have always found was to make things work in the past, but he doesn't even want to try. He only talks to me really late at night and early into the morning, he doesn't talk to me throughout the day, especially since my husband isn't at home. I've asked him many times why he doesn't talk to me during the day when it is more convenient for us both. He much rather be difficult. I've always done what he wanted me to do, so why can't he do one thing for me?

Sponsored Links
Nali1992 avatar
3 months ago #28
Nali1992
Fresh Member
Blogs: 0
Forum: 12
Votes: 0

I signed up!

Nali1992 avatar
3 months ago #29
Nali1992
Fresh Member
Blogs: 0
Forum: 12
Votes: 0

I'm in the yellow

Nali1992 avatar
3 months ago #30
Nali1992
Fresh Member
Blogs: 0
Forum: 12
Votes: 0

I deleted some of the messages because my husband cane home and I didn't want him to see who I was texting.

By entering this site you declare you are 18 or older, you read and agreed to its Terms, Rules & Privacy and you understand that your use of the site's content is made at your own risk and responsibility. Copyright © 2006 - 2018 Relationship Talk